Sir Nigel's Sins
A story, in many acts.55 total reviews
Comment from Cornelius2000
Except for forcing the rhyme of "is it" with "whatsit," this is very cleverly done. I think that if one commits to rhyming in a poem everything should rhyme perfectly, not just "close." To me, "close" is an "almost rhyme." But on the whole this is cleverly told and written, better than most of what I've seen in going through FanStory offerings.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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Except for forcing the rhyme of "is it" with "whatsit," this is very cleverly done. I think that if one commits to rhyming in a poem everything should rhyme perfectly, not just "close." To me, "close" is an "almost rhyme." But on the whole this is cleverly told and written, better than most of what I've seen in going through FanStory offerings.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the fine review. I too am a pure rhyme proponent and hate the close or almost rhyme and should never have tried to work one in. I actually wasn't quite ready to take this off preview, but accidentally gave this another piece's name. See what happens when your grand baby keeps you up all night. Then, when I was in my portfolio, released the wrong Whodunit. This was supposed to be called Sir Nigel's Sins. Do you think it is too late to change it? I am new here and not sure what all the rules are.
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By the way, here is the chagrined author's new stanza:
He was just a distant cousin, come to stay.
Hardly reason to delete his host, I'd say.
'Till Sir Nigel called him â??Fraud,
With no Suma, Cum or Laud!"
One should hardly ever treat a guest that way.
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By the way, here is the chagrined author's new stanza:
He was just a distant cousin, come to stay.
Hardly reason to delete his host, I'd say.
'Till Sir Nigel called him, â??Fraud,
With no Suma, Cum or Laud!"
One should hardly ever treat a guest that way.
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Nice one.....I like it. DCS
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Sorry, I'm new too...I guess you'll need to ask the management (whomever they may be)
Comment from donaldww
I enjoyed reading your Wagnerian length mystery poem, inspired by the game of Clue. I noticed a few SPAG issues for you:
I've arrived. The game's afoot, for one thing 's certain. <<-- thing's
So, six people wandering round <<-- I'm wondering if just 'wander' would sound better here.
All claim alibi's. In sum, <<-- alibis. No apostrophe.
Why, sir Nigel called him "Fraud, <<-- Sir. Capital S.
Paid him off, than crowed, he'd, "Proved the lad was errant." <<-- then crowed
In the last section, I think you should restrict your question marks to couplets that ask questions. For example: (also notice couplet spacing to clarify the evidence of each suspect)
In the kitchen, Mrs. White,
Lead pipe clean, no blood in sight.
Plum his host a lesson taught,
Dining Room, revolver, shot.
In the hall, did Peacock wait,
Use a wrench to smash his pate?
Colonel, Ballroom, debt-free vice,
Would a candlestick suffice?
etc.
I also think if you remove the double spacing within stanzas, it would be easier to read.
Good luck in the contest!!!
DW
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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I enjoyed reading your Wagnerian length mystery poem, inspired by the game of Clue. I noticed a few SPAG issues for you:
I've arrived. The game's afoot, for one thing 's certain. <<-- thing's
So, six people wandering round <<-- I'm wondering if just 'wander' would sound better here.
All claim alibi's. In sum, <<-- alibis. No apostrophe.
Why, sir Nigel called him "Fraud, <<-- Sir. Capital S.
Paid him off, than crowed, he'd, "Proved the lad was errant." <<-- then crowed
In the last section, I think you should restrict your question marks to couplets that ask questions. For example: (also notice couplet spacing to clarify the evidence of each suspect)
In the kitchen, Mrs. White,
Lead pipe clean, no blood in sight.
Plum his host a lesson taught,
Dining Room, revolver, shot.
In the hall, did Peacock wait,
Use a wrench to smash his pate?
Colonel, Ballroom, debt-free vice,
Would a candlestick suffice?
etc.
I also think if you remove the double spacing within stanzas, it would be easier to read.
Good luck in the contest!!!
DW
Comment Written 13-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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Thank you kind sir for pointing out the errors. I know one should never rely on it, but the advanced editing refused to spell check the piece for me. I was up all night and trying to work on two pieces and gave them both the same name by accident. Of course when I went back to release I did the wrong one. This was supposed to be Sir Nigel's Sins. Is it OK to go back and change the name? I used grammar fixes and met you half way on the couplets.
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Sorry to hear about your tribulations getting this posted. And yes, you can change the name of your work at any time. (If I"m understanding what you mean by your question).
I have changed the name on some of my postings and there was no problem.
Cheers!
DW
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I thank you, Sir Nigel thanks you. Did Mr. Jones on FanArt not have the perfect artwork?
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Mrs. Jones? I guess she did. I don't think I've had the pleasure. :)
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
Aaah, as a diehard fan of Clue, the move and the game... I LOVE THIS!!!! Great job on the creative piece of writing, good flow and vivid imagery. Very nice work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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Aaah, as a diehard fan of Clue, the move and the game... I LOVE THIS!!!! Great job on the creative piece of writing, good flow and vivid imagery. Very nice work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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Thank you Patty. It was great fun to play with. I did forget to change the working title, so if you look for it again it will be Sir Nigel's Sins.
Comment from Carrie Carson
Great job with this. Eloquence made from a board game, good job.
No spag issues caught my eye. Good form.
This was well done and made me laugh, thanks. Carrie
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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Great job with this. Eloquence made from a board game, good job.
No spag issues caught my eye. Good form.
This was well done and made me laugh, thanks. Carrie
Comment Written 13-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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Thank you Carrie for the fabulous stars. It was great fun to play with. I did forget to change the working title, so if you look for it again it will be Sir Nigel's Sins.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Bravo! This is a masterpiece! Glad I still have a six to give, since this certainly deserves one. Love the connection to Clue, love the limerick stanzas, and love the vocabulary and rhyming word choices... superb! My favorite stanza is the one about Mrs. White.
This is so good that I'll give the six despite the misuse of a semi-colon here: Then had scuttled her career; patronage treason.
I think you'll want to read this: http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/091701Semicolon.htm
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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Bravo! This is a masterpiece! Glad I still have a six to give, since this certainly deserves one. Love the connection to Clue, love the limerick stanzas, and love the vocabulary and rhyming word choices... superb! My favorite stanza is the one about Mrs. White.
This is so good that I'll give the six despite the misuse of a semi-colon here: Then had scuttled her career; patronage treason.
I think you'll want to read this: http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/091701Semicolon.htm
Comment Written 13-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2012
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I don't remember if I mentioned that I didn't ever change the working title and it will now be listed as Sir Nigel's Sins
