Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "A Mato Moon"Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
I liked your focus on the senses of sight, touch and taste to draw us back into your story. I think you used just enough police lingo in the dialog to make it realistic. -Joan
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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I liked your focus on the senses of sight, touch and taste to draw us back into your story. I think you used just enough police lingo in the dialog to make it realistic. -Joan
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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Thank you, Joan. I really appreciate this uplifting and generous review. Always nice to hear from a poet's perspective, too. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from IndianaIrish
Another great chapter to your wonderful book, Bev. So far, you're had great dialogue, interesting characters, super storyline, and wonderful ending hooks with each chapter.
Can't wait for more!
Smiles,
karyn :>)
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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Another great chapter to your wonderful book, Bev. So far, you're had great dialogue, interesting characters, super storyline, and wonderful ending hooks with each chapter.
Can't wait for more!
Smiles,
karyn :>)
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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Thank you, Karyn! I sure appreciate the support and your generous, uplifting review. You are most kind! Hugs, Bev
Comment from RaymondJohn
Very involving writing. Solid prose that moves along very smoothly. It's a pleasure to read someone who has more than a rudimentary grasp of writing. Fine job. Ray.
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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Very involving writing. Solid prose that moves along very smoothly. It's a pleasure to read someone who has more than a rudimentary grasp of writing. Fine job. Ray.
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 16-May-2012
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Thank you for stopping in to read my chapter, RJ. I'm honored by your generosity and supportive insights. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
Good chapter, Bev. I liked the part where Derek contacte the Coroner about his report and the way Jana Burke took over the interviewing of Darcy. I am enjoying the story. It's well written. ;o)
April
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Good chapter, Bev. I liked the part where Derek contacte the Coroner about his report and the way Jana Burke took over the interviewing of Darcy. I am enjoying the story. It's well written. ;o)
April
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thank you so much for your great compliment, April. I really appreciate your generosity and support. Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Hugs back, April
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Sue
Your story builds nicely, the niece strikes me as being after the inheritance, never mind the 'concern' over the death.
Your plot looks like its going to have a few interesting twists and turns in it before you reveal the murderer.
Good hook on the end there.
Patrick
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hi Sue
Your story builds nicely, the niece strikes me as being after the inheritance, never mind the 'concern' over the death.
Your plot looks like its going to have a few interesting twists and turns in it before you reveal the murderer.
Good hook on the end there.
Patrick
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hi, Patrick. Thank you for taking time to read my chapter, and for your generous review. I really appreciate it! Bev
Comment from Tina55
Derek deliberately lifted one finger after another to encourage his fists to relax their grip on the steering wheel. (Fantastic detail, and something I will have to try doing. :-))
Ahhh...so, it was a gold cross. I figured it was a photo of the Messiah. Close.
His call to Father Brian, before leaving the crime scene had the earmarks of an opening gambit of a twisted psyche. (S'plain to me why you need a comma here.)
not the act of someone releasing volcanic emotions. (Excellent line!)
In light of the paragraphs surrounding this section, I don't find it's needed: Prior to interviewing their suspect, he wanted to be armed with as many facts as could be gained this early in the case. An official autopsy report wasn't likely to be available; but he hoped the coroner would supply him with more than a cursory cause of death.
You could go right from...'and had them patch him through to the Coroner's office'...to 'Doctor Franklin Bloomquist answered ont the fifth ring.'
The paragraph between those two is redundant and almost feels like a subtitle.
Know what I mean?
she lowered her mirror in time to see the object of her interest exit his car. (could use fewer words by saying....she lowered her mirror in time to see her object of interest exit his car.)
bowing legs and a creeping crab...how flattering, eh? LOL
"I was a tad put out that I had to find out about Aunt Debra's murder from a news report." (I was a tad put out that I had to find out...reads a little awkward to me. Just a thought. :-))
Quick as a trout following a brook's watery depths, Jana Burke had taken control of the situation, giving Derek time to slip away. (Great detail to lead the reader into the sheriff's headspace.)
Nice little bit of intrigue at the end, darlin'
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Derek deliberately lifted one finger after another to encourage his fists to relax their grip on the steering wheel. (Fantastic detail, and something I will have to try doing. :-))
Ahhh...so, it was a gold cross. I figured it was a photo of the Messiah. Close.
His call to Father Brian, before leaving the crime scene had the earmarks of an opening gambit of a twisted psyche. (S'plain to me why you need a comma here.)
not the act of someone releasing volcanic emotions. (Excellent line!)
In light of the paragraphs surrounding this section, I don't find it's needed: Prior to interviewing their suspect, he wanted to be armed with as many facts as could be gained this early in the case. An official autopsy report wasn't likely to be available; but he hoped the coroner would supply him with more than a cursory cause of death.
You could go right from...'and had them patch him through to the Coroner's office'...to 'Doctor Franklin Bloomquist answered ont the fifth ring.'
The paragraph between those two is redundant and almost feels like a subtitle.
Know what I mean?
she lowered her mirror in time to see the object of her interest exit his car. (could use fewer words by saying....she lowered her mirror in time to see her object of interest exit his car.)
bowing legs and a creeping crab...how flattering, eh? LOL
"I was a tad put out that I had to find out about Aunt Debra's murder from a news report." (I was a tad put out that I had to find out...reads a little awkward to me. Just a thought. :-))
Quick as a trout following a brook's watery depths, Jana Burke had taken control of the situation, giving Derek time to slip away. (Great detail to lead the reader into the sheriff's headspace.)
Nice little bit of intrigue at the end, darlin'
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thanks so much for your great, and very helpful, review Tina. I've made the suggested changes and find it really helps the flow. So, thanks for taking so much time to help make the piece better. Your support and generosity are so appreciated! Love, Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Hi, Bev,
There's some interesting interactions in this chapter...
and so many great descriptive lines. Also, the
dialogue flows so naturally.
And you always leave your reader wondering - the mystery deepens.
Margaret
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hi, Bev,
There's some interesting interactions in this chapter...
and so many great descriptive lines. Also, the
dialogue flows so naturally.
And you always leave your reader wondering - the mystery deepens.
Margaret
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thank you so much, Margaret. I really appreciate your generosity and support! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from God's Writer
A fabulous story Bev.. I certainly enjoyed this well thought and written story. You brought it to life with your use of all the five senses. Thank you.
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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A fabulous story Bev.. I certainly enjoyed this well thought and written story. You brought it to life with your use of all the five senses. Thank you.
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thank you, Erick. Really appreciate your generosity and support. Thanks for stopping in to read my chapter! Hugs, Bev
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Thank you for the wonderful write.
Comment from bookishfabler
Totally awesome. I love this chapter. It just reads smoothly and is very entertaining.
from the rest of the Team ( I don't think team is capitalized. Not a proper noun.
He waited for her to catch up, and tried to keep from laughing at the way her shoes caused her knees to bow outwards, making her look like a creeping crab
This was a fabulous description)
Quick as a trout following a brook's watery depths, Jana Burke had taken control of the situation
(another great description, or should I say metaphor)
hugs Heidi
and Congrats on the FF contest.
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Totally awesome. I love this chapter. It just reads smoothly and is very entertaining.
from the rest of the Team ( I don't think team is capitalized. Not a proper noun.
He waited for her to catch up, and tried to keep from laughing at the way her shoes caused her knees to bow outwards, making her look like a creeping crab
This was a fabulous description)
Quick as a trout following a brook's watery depths, Jana Burke had taken control of the situation
(another great description, or should I say metaphor)
hugs Heidi
and Congrats on the FF contest.
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thank you so much, Heidi, for taking time to read and review my chapter so generously. I really appreciate your suggestions and support, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from tinams
This is another interesting chapter. Good dialogue and detailing without being overpowering. Good metaphors and similes sprinkled throughout the piece :) Tina
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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This is another interesting chapter. Good dialogue and detailing without being overpowering. Good metaphors and similes sprinkled throughout the piece :) Tina
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hi, Tina. Thank you so much for taking time to read the chapter and send along your generous, supportive review.
Warm regards, Bev
