Trail of Shadows
plea for help from an unusual source17 total reviews
Comment from Lucyliv
Awesome story! I love the amount of descriptiveness in such a short work. I love the amount of suspense you have created. It's a wonderful first page that makes me want to turn and see what happens on page two!
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Awesome story! I love the amount of descriptiveness in such a short work. I love the amount of suspense you have created. It's a wonderful first page that makes me want to turn and see what happens on page two!
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you so much, Lucyliv for this very encouraging review. I really appreciate the support and generosity!
Comment from WilliamDeen
Very interesting story and concept. I find the idea that dead people's spirit communicating information to his loved ones so interesting. It would be so wonderful if they definitely could, to alleviate some questions and heartache.
GREAT story!
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Very interesting story and concept. I find the idea that dead people's spirit communicating information to his loved ones so interesting. It would be so wonderful if they definitely could, to alleviate some questions and heartache.
GREAT story!
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thanks so much, WD. I really appreciate your great review!
Comment from TammyGail
I really enjoyed this first page read, it was well written and expressed. You held att throughout the read. It was interesting and though provoking as well as having a poetic voice weaved in. I liked it thanks for sharing and best of luck
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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I really enjoyed this first page read, it was well written and expressed. You held att throughout the read. It was interesting and though provoking as well as having a poetic voice weaved in. I liked it thanks for sharing and best of luck
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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I really appreciate this wonderful review, Tammy. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Peridot73
I like this first page. One would have to read on to discover what happens with this intriuing tale. Clear imaging enhances this well written piece. Peridot
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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I like this first page. One would have to read on to discover what happens with this intriuing tale. Clear imaging enhances this well written piece. Peridot
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Why, thank you so much Peridot. Your generousr review warms my heart!
Comment from tinams
I thought this was a very good entry to the First Page Competition. You have created a hook and the desire to turn the page. Good luck :) Tina
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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I thought this was a very good entry to the First Page Competition. You have created a hook and the desire to turn the page. Good luck :) Tina
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thank you so much, Tina. I appreciate your kind words of support.
Comment from ennahanid
Trail of Shadows your First Page writing prompt entry would certainly have me hankering for more, in fact I was very disappointed that it came to an end.
I enjoyed reading you this morning, thank you so much...Dinah
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Trail of Shadows your First Page writing prompt entry would certainly have me hankering for more, in fact I was very disappointed that it came to an end.
I enjoyed reading you this morning, thank you so much...Dinah
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thanks so much, Dinah. I really appreciate this very supportive review. You are most kind!
Comment from redrider6612
Over all, I think this will be a pretty good story, but I think it is beginning in the wrong place. I'm not emotionally invested in the character, nothing has really happened to her, to make me want to read on. Perhaps too much detail about her garden? Give the reader some glimpse of the main character's personality--what does she want? Present the story problem as soon as possible to grab the reader's attention.
Some specific observations:
but on this late Spring day--don't cap "spring"
She scooped a handful of soil from a three-inch depth[, and placed it into her gloved palm].--superfluous detail
down-pours--one word, no hyphen
Nearby a robin mirrored her [movements]: motionless, head cocked, waiting for a sign.--delete because she isn't moving and the word just confuses things
The description of the image of the man needs reorganizing. His position should be first, followed by what he's wearing and the rifle, finishing with hair/eye color and drooping face. IMO, it is more dramatic.
The two paragraphs from "Someone was seeking answers" on is telling.
The dialogue in the final paragraph--is that the spirit speaking? that could be clearer
Best wishes in the contest. I see loads of potential in your writing, and I'd love to read more from you. Cheers!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Over all, I think this will be a pretty good story, but I think it is beginning in the wrong place. I'm not emotionally invested in the character, nothing has really happened to her, to make me want to read on. Perhaps too much detail about her garden? Give the reader some glimpse of the main character's personality--what does she want? Present the story problem as soon as possible to grab the reader's attention.
Some specific observations:
but on this late Spring day--don't cap "spring"
She scooped a handful of soil from a three-inch depth[, and placed it into her gloved palm].--superfluous detail
down-pours--one word, no hyphen
Nearby a robin mirrored her [movements]: motionless, head cocked, waiting for a sign.--delete because she isn't moving and the word just confuses things
The description of the image of the man needs reorganizing. His position should be first, followed by what he's wearing and the rifle, finishing with hair/eye color and drooping face. IMO, it is more dramatic.
The two paragraphs from "Someone was seeking answers" on is telling.
The dialogue in the final paragraph--is that the spirit speaking? that could be clearer
Best wishes in the contest. I see loads of potential in your writing, and I'd love to read more from you. Cheers!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thank you for the great suggestions.
Comment from Judith Ann
This is an interesting story idea, but one that has been over-used. It will be fun to see how you make this story different, the twist you will put into it to make it unique and enticing. Your opening paragraph is well constructed and enabled the reader to see the picture you were painting. Nice work. -Judy
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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This is an interesting story idea, but one that has been over-used. It will be fun to see how you make this story different, the twist you will put into it to make it unique and enticing. Your opening paragraph is well constructed and enabled the reader to see the picture you were painting. Nice work. -Judy
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thank you Judith Ann. I plan to draw from my own personal experiences. Appreciate the good insight and support. :0)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
THis is intriguing and well written. I haven't voted yet, looking for the best choice, and I think I may have found it. I really want to read more... what does the spirit want her to tell them? The descriptions of how she sees the spirit world are excellent, btw.
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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THis is intriguing and well written. I haven't voted yet, looking for the best choice, and I think I may have found it. I really want to read more... what does the spirit want her to tell them? The descriptions of how she sees the spirit world are excellent, btw.
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thank you so very much, Phyllis. I really appreciate the support and generous review. :0)
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mystery writer, you did a great job writing this first page of a book that left me wanting to read more. i wish you the best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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this is very well written, mystery writer, you did a great job writing this first page of a book that left me wanting to read more. i wish you the best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
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Thank you so much, sweetwoodjax. I appreciate the support and good wishes. :0)
