Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 64 "part three, Chapter 19"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
82 total reviews
Comment from clarbare2
This is the first I have had the privilege of critiquing for you. I enjoyed the chapter overall and felt that it flowed well. Some of my bumps along the way were simply due to not having read the entire story. I might just have to do that now. ;-)
Since this is the first we have met, I want to make sure you understand how I am approaching this site. I am looking for honest, straightforward critiquing of my work. I want to know when I connect with a reader...for sure, but I mainly want to know how to improve and strengthen that connection. I am not focused on seeing how high I can go in the rankings, unless my stuff is really that good. My skin is very thick and I do not take anything personally.
I approach the critiques I offer in the same fashion. I assume the people on this site are wanting to know how to improve. I apologize if this seems long, but I always let new people I critique know where I stand and what I hope from them in return, if they are gracious enough to read my submissions. :-)
Overall: You did a great job of getting me in the moment immediately. I went from "will I be able to pick up the story?" to "Crap, what's happening?!" Structure and pace was good for the scene, this is sometimes hard for me in my writing. You kept it moving quickly but not too much so. Character emotion was handled well also. It didn't seem contrived. Vocal dialogue was tightly crafted, good job.
My bumps: Really the only bump I had was on the mental dialogue. I have a very minimalist approach to dialogue, but mental dialogue in particular. As an example, when you said "It isn't fair that Anna should have to go through this. She's a good person.", that is not how I talk to myself. I would have mentally screamed, "What the hell! Anna doesn't deserve this crap." or "Why do I always get the short end of the stick?!"
Rock on, hope this helps in some way!
Peace,
Barry
"through his short hair.", curious, shouldn't the reader already know his hair is short at this point?
reply by the author on 02-May-2012
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This is the first I have had the privilege of critiquing for you. I enjoyed the chapter overall and felt that it flowed well. Some of my bumps along the way were simply due to not having read the entire story. I might just have to do that now. ;-)
Since this is the first we have met, I want to make sure you understand how I am approaching this site. I am looking for honest, straightforward critiquing of my work. I want to know when I connect with a reader...for sure, but I mainly want to know how to improve and strengthen that connection. I am not focused on seeing how high I can go in the rankings, unless my stuff is really that good. My skin is very thick and I do not take anything personally.
I approach the critiques I offer in the same fashion. I assume the people on this site are wanting to know how to improve. I apologize if this seems long, but I always let new people I critique know where I stand and what I hope from them in return, if they are gracious enough to read my submissions. :-)
Overall: You did a great job of getting me in the moment immediately. I went from "will I be able to pick up the story?" to "Crap, what's happening?!" Structure and pace was good for the scene, this is sometimes hard for me in my writing. You kept it moving quickly but not too much so. Character emotion was handled well also. It didn't seem contrived. Vocal dialogue was tightly crafted, good job.
My bumps: Really the only bump I had was on the mental dialogue. I have a very minimalist approach to dialogue, but mental dialogue in particular. As an example, when you said "It isn't fair that Anna should have to go through this. She's a good person.", that is not how I talk to myself. I would have mentally screamed, "What the hell! Anna doesn't deserve this crap." or "Why do I always get the short end of the stick?!"
Rock on, hope this helps in some way!
Peace,
Barry
"through his short hair.", curious, shouldn't the reader already know his hair is short at this point?
Comment Written 02-May-2012
reply by the author on 02-May-2012
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Yes, the readers should know Troy has short hair, but I haven't mentioned in probably 100 pages so I thought I would just send a reminder to refresh their memories. I will check my thought, but its how I think, but I'm not a man.
Comment from nora arjuna
hi barb, glad to catch another chapter in anna and troy. hope i haven't missed much. i found nothing serious that needs adjusting here. well-written and hopefully the poor girl will be well and see the end to her ordeal soon. :)
reply by the author on 02-May-2012
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hi barb, glad to catch another chapter in anna and troy. hope i haven't missed much. i found nothing serious that needs adjusting here. well-written and hopefully the poor girl will be well and see the end to her ordeal soon. :)
Comment Written 02-May-2012
reply by the author on 02-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from JW
Being late in having time to do any review, it is no surprise to see that this chapter has already earned All Time Best.
It's very well written, and definitely deserves it.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 02-May-2012
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Being late in having time to do any review, it is no surprise to see that this chapter has already earned All Time Best.
It's very well written, and definitely deserves it.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 01-May-2012
reply by the author on 02-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Adri7enne
You're probably right that it doesn't stand on its own.
I might suggest that you vary the syntax just a bit to increase the urgency of flow. You have many short simple sentences. Perhaps you might try combining several of these into longer, composed sentences. It might speed up the action. Just my opinion of course.
Also, be careful that the italic thoughts are not a repeat of the previous narrative text. That also slows the progress of the background development. No spags, though.
You have a purpose, Barb. You obviously want to awaken the general public to the abuse many women suffer on a regular basis. A worthy cause.
Good concept.
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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You're probably right that it doesn't stand on its own.
I might suggest that you vary the syntax just a bit to increase the urgency of flow. You have many short simple sentences. Perhaps you might try combining several of these into longer, composed sentences. It might speed up the action. Just my opinion of course.
Also, be careful that the italic thoughts are not a repeat of the previous narrative text. That also slows the progress of the background development. No spags, though.
You have a purpose, Barb. You obviously want to awaken the general public to the abuse many women suffer on a regular basis. A worthy cause.
Good concept.
Comment Written 01-May-2012
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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Thank you for your kind review. The books I have on writing fiction say to use short sentences to show the action and urgency. I will check on thought. Thank you for your kind review.
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Yes, short sentences does speed up action, but only if you stick to a particular action scene. When your characters are sitting in a waiting room discussing having another cup of coffee, though, you might want to combine those scenes into sentences that move the sequences of action along. I don't know if I've explained that well enough. You're a fine writer. How many pages do you think your finished novel will have? A first novel might have to be kept at around 300 to 350 pages, I think. I'm hoping to keep mine to that length.
Good luck and good writing.
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I will probably have about 325 pages. I should have about 60.000 words when I am finished, that is the lowest amount for a romance novel.
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Good show!
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
barbara:
Poor Troy -- I'm sure he's eaten up with guilt because he
was not able to protect Anna in spite of all his actions to
do so. He is fortunate to have Paul and his wife to lean
on as well as to take care of Michael.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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barbara:
Poor Troy -- I'm sure he's eaten up with guilt because he
was not able to protect Anna in spite of all his actions to
do so. He is fortunate to have Paul and his wife to lean
on as well as to take care of Michael.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 01-May-2012
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from eliz100
This was a good read from beginning to end. I missed a few chapters so I will have to back and read. The art work is perfect for the story.
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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This was a good read from beginning to end. I missed a few chapters so I will have to back and read. The art work is perfect for the story.
Comment Written 01-May-2012
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from katmckeown
Since I have not read the prior part of you story, I can only comment on what I have read. You plot is well develop and easy to read. I felt the tone and emotions of the scene and can anticipate that the plot is about yet again in the next chapter.
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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Since I have not read the prior part of you story, I can only comment on what I have read. You plot is well develop and easy to read. I felt the tone and emotions of the scene and can anticipate that the plot is about yet again in the next chapter.
Comment Written 01-May-2012
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from HPicasso
This was another very good chapter in your ongoing story.
I like the way you handled Troy's inner dialogue.
I enjoyed reading this one...
It's sad to hear about the plans for Michael should Anna not pull though. The ending is alarming.
thank for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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This was another very good chapter in your ongoing story.
I like the way you handled Troy's inner dialogue.
I enjoyed reading this one...
It's sad to hear about the plans for Michael should Anna not pull though. The ending is alarming.
thank for sharing.
Comment Written 01-May-2012
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
Well, that is certainly a cliff hanger on the end there. Will she, or won't she ...
Well written as usual, there isn't anything I can suggest for correction either.
Patrick
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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Hi Barbara,
Well, that is certainly a cliff hanger on the end there. Will she, or won't she ...
Well written as usual, there isn't anything I can suggest for correction either.
Patrick
Comment Written 01-May-2012
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from noodle1989
I could tell this is part of a much longer novel from the level of intensity, although it could very well be the beginning of a book because the writer draws the reader in. This chapter is full of hope and strength based on Troy's personal thoughts that are conveyed in italics. The end of the chapter leaves you wanting more; and to find out what happens after the doctors and nurses run for the recovery room. This is a very realistic topic that is important to bring light to, and I'd like to read more chapters!
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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I could tell this is part of a much longer novel from the level of intensity, although it could very well be the beginning of a book because the writer draws the reader in. This chapter is full of hope and strength based on Troy's personal thoughts that are conveyed in italics. The end of the chapter leaves you wanting more; and to find out what happens after the doctors and nurses run for the recovery room. This is a very realistic topic that is important to bring light to, and I'd like to read more chapters!
Comment Written 01-May-2012
reply by the author on 01-May-2012
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I am confused about what stranger Troy introduced. I was not aware he introduced any stranger. Please tell me what to change so I can receive five stars. I don't know from your review what I did wrong. Thank you.
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I edited it, not sure what thought I had when I wrote about a stranger, I re-read it and edited my review.
