Whispers in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Brook's Best Offer by BROOK ANNE"Brook's best lead dog is struck deaf
17 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
It is a good show of sportsmanship when one's competitor offers unselfish help. This is very well imagry and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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It is a good show of sportsmanship when one's competitor offers unselfish help. This is very well imagry and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thanks for the compliment. I appreciate the time you gave to reading and reviewing this chapter. Marie
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You're welcome, Marie. Charlie
Comment from MissMerri
I love the consistency I find in your characters, and the life-likeness of all of them, even the minor characters. James' dad seems so 'grown-up' and kind and real, and the younger ones, especially Brook, act just like we'd expect that age to act. This is not easy to accomplish, and you do it so well. The story is so compelling too. Several different things going on make us want to keep reading. The action is clear and easy to see.
I see a few little things you might want to take a look at... not all require changes, but I listed them because I thought you could improve the writing just a bit. See what you think.
*** He nods his head nods (oops.. an extra nod?) but doesn't bother to speak.
*** rubber-sole, (rubber-soled?)
*** Both these dogs can only choose to lay (lie) there and sleep."
*** I mutter as if my voice is (were, rather than 'is') in awe of a super star.
*** His pose with broad shoulders and piercing eyes makes me think of how a dozen girls always swooned over him on a basketball court. (were the girls on the basketball court? Perhaps you could say, "swooned watching him play basketball," or "swooned whenever he dribbled down the basketball court," or something like that.)
*** I was never one of them and feel determined not (to) let him think I will (would ever) be.
*** Before we partake in (of instead of 'in') a good meal,
*** His too handsome face lights up (You tend to use the "too handsome face" phrase too many times. Just say his face lights up. The reader will not forget he's handsome.)
Can't wait to read the rest of the story! Great writing MissA!
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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I love the consistency I find in your characters, and the life-likeness of all of them, even the minor characters. James' dad seems so 'grown-up' and kind and real, and the younger ones, especially Brook, act just like we'd expect that age to act. This is not easy to accomplish, and you do it so well. The story is so compelling too. Several different things going on make us want to keep reading. The action is clear and easy to see.
I see a few little things you might want to take a look at... not all require changes, but I listed them because I thought you could improve the writing just a bit. See what you think.
*** He nods his head nods (oops.. an extra nod?) but doesn't bother to speak.
*** rubber-sole, (rubber-soled?)
*** Both these dogs can only choose to lay (lie) there and sleep."
*** I mutter as if my voice is (were, rather than 'is') in awe of a super star.
*** His pose with broad shoulders and piercing eyes makes me think of how a dozen girls always swooned over him on a basketball court. (were the girls on the basketball court? Perhaps you could say, "swooned watching him play basketball," or "swooned whenever he dribbled down the basketball court," or something like that.)
*** I was never one of them and feel determined not (to) let him think I will (would ever) be.
*** Before we partake in (of instead of 'in') a good meal,
*** His too handsome face lights up (You tend to use the "too handsome face" phrase too many times. Just say his face lights up. The reader will not forget he's handsome.)
Can't wait to read the rest of the story! Great writing MissA!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Oh Dear Friend, you are absolutely a marvel at spotting my gramatical errors, etc. You make changes completely obvious to me! There is no way I can thank you enough!!! Luv, Marie
Comment from Sasha
What an amazing and kind girl Brook to offer her friend two of her dogs. I admire her very much. This is a great chapter that kept me riveted to the screen from beginning to end.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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What an amazing and kind girl Brook to offer her friend two of her dogs. I admire her very much. This is a great chapter that kept me riveted to the screen from beginning to end.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thanks a million for giving time and interest to this chapter, Sasha.
Comment from Flamingbush
It looks like you have quite a romance going on here, with clever descriptions of settings, body language, clothes etc. It has quite an intriguing feel that tugs on the emotions.
"Variegated shades of red reflect in surrounding snowbanks" and "Wild strands of hair that fringe under his knit cap" paint a vivid picture of what your main character in this chapter is feeling.
I must confess I was hoping she would show a little more interest in the injured dogs. I do understand her distraction, however. It's probably just the dog lover in me. On the whole I liked this very much.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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It looks like you have quite a romance going on here, with clever descriptions of settings, body language, clothes etc. It has quite an intriguing feel that tugs on the emotions.
"Variegated shades of red reflect in surrounding snowbanks" and "Wild strands of hair that fringe under his knit cap" paint a vivid picture of what your main character in this chapter is feeling.
I must confess I was hoping she would show a little more interest in the injured dogs. I do understand her distraction, however. It's probably just the dog lover in me. On the whole I liked this very much.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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I appreciate your comments so much. I'm inclined to agree that a phrase or two about how the suffering dogs effect her would be appropriate. Thanks!
Comment from dportwood
Alaskastory,
This story is nicely done with excellent descriptions, dialogue, and explanations. The reader is free to enjoy the writing without being interrupted with errors and poor phraseology. Good work.
Duane
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Alaskastory,
This story is nicely done with excellent descriptions, dialogue, and explanations. The reader is free to enjoy the writing without being interrupted with errors and poor phraseology. Good work.
Duane
Comment Written 27-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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I appreciate the time you gave to reading and reviewing this chapter. Thanks!
Comment from Gungalo
Very good story you have here and I really liked that you were so clear about things. It's easy to follow and you characters have a strong presence.
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reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Very good story you have here and I really liked that you were so clear about things. It's easy to follow and you characters have a strong presence.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much for taking time to read and review this chapter. Marie
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My pleasure.
Comment from AprilShower
Hi, Alaska.
I enjoyed reading this story. It is well written. The picture goes well with it, too. It made sense to put the dogs in the crates so they couldn't move and hurt themselves more. I liked the part about her dog being able sense danger, also. :o)
April
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reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Hi, Alaska.
I enjoyed reading this story. It is well written. The picture goes well with it, too. It made sense to put the dogs in the crates so they couldn't move and hurt themselves more. I liked the part about her dog being able sense danger, also. :o)
April
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much for your comments, April, and for taking time to review this chapter. Marie
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You're welcome, Marie.
