Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "A Maza Moon, Part I"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writing fundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where the father was overwhelmed when he saw the howiwacipi, i would be too. and the memories of her words to her were so poignant, i wanted to laugh at the behavior of the medical examiner wanting to press jurisdiction and falling to public opinion.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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this is very well written, writing fundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where the father was overwhelmed when he saw the howiwacipi, i would be too. and the memories of her words to her were so poignant, i wanted to laugh at the behavior of the medical examiner wanting to press jurisdiction and falling to public opinion.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, sweetwoodjax. I really appreciate the great review! You are most kind to take time to read my latest chapter. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from M. Karol
Interesting. Got hooked from the beginning. Though this is somewhere in the middle but did get curious about what happened before. Liked the way you described the scene where the Med enters. It was funny all right.
Would watch for the next part.
Madhvi
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Interesting. Got hooked from the beginning. Though this is somewhere in the middle but did get curious about what happened before. Liked the way you described the scene where the Med enters. It was funny all right.
Would watch for the next part.
Madhvi
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Thank you very much for your excellent review, Madhvi. I really appreciate the support and interest! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Jen Gentry
You really deserve this six not only for a pristine and clean write but for sucking me and making feel as if I were reading for the pure enjoyment of reading and not for a review. Anxiously awaiting your next chapter I am hanging on the edge of my seat
Blessings
Jenny
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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You really deserve this six not only for a pristine and clean write but for sucking me and making feel as if I were reading for the pure enjoyment of reading and not for a review. Anxiously awaiting your next chapter I am hanging on the edge of my seat
Blessings
Jenny
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi, Jenny. You've really brought a smile to my face with this lovely review. I do appreciate the extra star - but it's your words that really encourage me. Much appreciated! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Frank Atwood
Very good. I liked the interaction with words between the sherriff, the priest and the examiner. How the words you choose to not only add to the action but also describe the scene at the same time is very professional. Hope one day I can do it as easily as you've done that here. I would give you a six, but I gave all my sixes away for this week and must give you a Five star, though it's worth more. Very good work. God bless.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Very good. I liked the interaction with words between the sherriff, the priest and the examiner. How the words you choose to not only add to the action but also describe the scene at the same time is very professional. Hope one day I can do it as easily as you've done that here. I would give you a six, but I gave all my sixes away for this week and must give you a Five star, though it's worth more. Very good work. God bless.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Hi, Frank. Thank you for your excellent review. I really appreciate the time you took to read the chapter and send along your supportive comments. And you're very kind for the thought of the extra star. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Sissy
Hi Bev,
Another good chapter here. I loved the opening paragraph. You really set the stage for us to meet this medical examiner. Excellent description.
Personally, I'd never heard of 'Howiwacipi', so thank you for the definition - and that visual with the Father and Jana standing over Debra was really well done.
I am curious about this killer!!!
Okay, so I cut and pasted some things below and as usual, left comments in parentheses. See what you think:
After all, he had no reason to be concerned about causing white-coat hypertension in his patients(+,) as they tended not to have a pulse.
The words, Medical Examiner, were embroidered in purple on his pocket. (Consider quotes/single quotes around Medical Examiner and no comma's: Ex: 'The words 'Medical Examiner' were...')
The effect would have been impressive were it not for the shrunken sleeves and the fact the garments' buttons had lost all control of their ability to hide the stout stomach underneath. (good description!)
Detective Jana Burke observed the Medical Examiner's SUV weave among the variety of vehicles scattered along the street in front of Debra Padget's house forcing him to park a fair distance away. (maybe 'that forced' instead of 'forcing'. The end of this sentence read a bit awkwardly to me.)
"Sheriff Oleson has, temporarily, (not sure you need these comma's around 'temporarily'. Are you going for a deliberate pause? Then okay.) closed the crime scene to all personnel.
Moving past her, the man put his full weight on the toe of her boot. Jana grunted with pain, but Doctor Bloomquist neither acknowledged nor apologized for his actions as he climbed the porch steps. (I loved this. It really showed us a lot about the M.E. without you having to 'tell us' he's a jerk!)
Jana wiggled her toes to make sure none were ('were' or 'had'?) broken then hurried to intercept the doctor(+,) only to see him disappear through the bedroom doorway.
"I don't want you touching the body yet, Franklin. We have an unusual situation, and I've asked Father DeShano, (consider eliminating this comma. Do you want a pause both before and after 'here'?) here, to assist me in handling it."
"Yes, Sir." She deftly removed a pair of gloves from her pocket and handed them across (consider eliminating 'across'. 'Handing them' works fine.) to the priest.
Father, your timing is perfect. Just took some peach cobbler out of the oven(+,) and don't be telling me you're watching your weight.
I miss my Earl so much, Father. I know I'll see him again some day(+,) but it's just so hard sometimes.
The kind people who care for me, bring my favorite casseroles, play cribbage with me, (consider a dash here versus a comma) well(+,?) I just can't repay all their goodness, Father.
The priest reached to make a final sign of the cross above the body, and was shocked by the appearance of a white mist emerging from the center of the corpse's forehead. He jerked his hands away and watched, stupefied, as the mist coalesced into a sparkling ball, paused for a few seconds and then shot straight up through the ceiling. (here, consider eliminating the 'was shocked'. See if you can incorporate your later comments. 'The was shocked' is telling us, and you do a pretty good job in this chapter 'showing us' by your characters actions. The use of 'was shocked' also makes 'stupified' become a little redundant. Try going back to showing us here. You could have him jerk his hands away as the white mist first appears, that shows shock, for example.)
Father Brian looked into Jana's shining eyes and felt peace embrace his heart. (try just 'and peace embraced his heart.' 'felt' is telling.) "You
And since most of them have lived here as long as our Vic (I think you need to go lowercase on 'vic, Bev. You aren't replacing her name with just 'vic'.), they're
He turned away, but was stopped by the unexpected sympathy in the Sheriff's next words, (consider a colon here versus a comma) "Try to put the image of what you saw here today out of your head, Father Brian.
I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any questions.
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Hi Bev,
Another good chapter here. I loved the opening paragraph. You really set the stage for us to meet this medical examiner. Excellent description.
Personally, I'd never heard of 'Howiwacipi', so thank you for the definition - and that visual with the Father and Jana standing over Debra was really well done.
I am curious about this killer!!!
Okay, so I cut and pasted some things below and as usual, left comments in parentheses. See what you think:
After all, he had no reason to be concerned about causing white-coat hypertension in his patients(+,) as they tended not to have a pulse.
The words, Medical Examiner, were embroidered in purple on his pocket. (Consider quotes/single quotes around Medical Examiner and no comma's: Ex: 'The words 'Medical Examiner' were...')
The effect would have been impressive were it not for the shrunken sleeves and the fact the garments' buttons had lost all control of their ability to hide the stout stomach underneath. (good description!)
Detective Jana Burke observed the Medical Examiner's SUV weave among the variety of vehicles scattered along the street in front of Debra Padget's house forcing him to park a fair distance away. (maybe 'that forced' instead of 'forcing'. The end of this sentence read a bit awkwardly to me.)
"Sheriff Oleson has, temporarily, (not sure you need these comma's around 'temporarily'. Are you going for a deliberate pause? Then okay.) closed the crime scene to all personnel.
Moving past her, the man put his full weight on the toe of her boot. Jana grunted with pain, but Doctor Bloomquist neither acknowledged nor apologized for his actions as he climbed the porch steps. (I loved this. It really showed us a lot about the M.E. without you having to 'tell us' he's a jerk!)
Jana wiggled her toes to make sure none were ('were' or 'had'?) broken then hurried to intercept the doctor(+,) only to see him disappear through the bedroom doorway.
"I don't want you touching the body yet, Franklin. We have an unusual situation, and I've asked Father DeShano, (consider eliminating this comma. Do you want a pause both before and after 'here'?) here, to assist me in handling it."
"Yes, Sir." She deftly removed a pair of gloves from her pocket and handed them across (consider eliminating 'across'. 'Handing them' works fine.) to the priest.
Father, your timing is perfect. Just took some peach cobbler out of the oven(+,) and don't be telling me you're watching your weight.
I miss my Earl so much, Father. I know I'll see him again some day(+,) but it's just so hard sometimes.
The kind people who care for me, bring my favorite casseroles, play cribbage with me, (consider a dash here versus a comma) well(+,?) I just can't repay all their goodness, Father.
The priest reached to make a final sign of the cross above the body, and was shocked by the appearance of a white mist emerging from the center of the corpse's forehead. He jerked his hands away and watched, stupefied, as the mist coalesced into a sparkling ball, paused for a few seconds and then shot straight up through the ceiling. (here, consider eliminating the 'was shocked'. See if you can incorporate your later comments. 'The was shocked' is telling us, and you do a pretty good job in this chapter 'showing us' by your characters actions. The use of 'was shocked' also makes 'stupified' become a little redundant. Try going back to showing us here. You could have him jerk his hands away as the white mist first appears, that shows shock, for example.)
Father Brian looked into Jana's shining eyes and felt peace embrace his heart. (try just 'and peace embraced his heart.' 'felt' is telling.) "You
And since most of them have lived here as long as our Vic (I think you need to go lowercase on 'vic, Bev. You aren't replacing her name with just 'vic'.), they're
He turned away, but was stopped by the unexpected sympathy in the Sheriff's next words, (consider a colon here versus a comma) "Try to put the image of what you saw here today out of your head, Father Brian.
I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any questions.
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the review, Sissy. I appreciate your time and suggestions. Bev
Comment from JW
This is an interesting chapter. I definitely was curious about the Howiwacipi. I am not familiar with it.
In reading this no spags were found, the chapter flowed smoothly and one wonders what the killer will do next.
Good job. JW
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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This is an interesting chapter. I definitely was curious about the Howiwacipi. I am not familiar with it.
In reading this no spags were found, the chapter flowed smoothly and one wonders what the killer will do next.
Good job. JW
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Thanks so much, Jonathon. I appreciate the support! Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Once again you have written a good post and I enjoyed reading.
"Father, I'm going to let you remove the object from Mrs. Padget's mouth." "Don't try to remove the tape," the Sheriff emphasized. (You don't need the quotation marks between mouth and don't.)
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Once again you have written a good post and I enjoyed reading.
"Father, I'm going to let you remove the object from Mrs. Padget's mouth." "Don't try to remove the tape," the Sheriff emphasized. (You don't need the quotation marks between mouth and don't.)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Hi, Barbara. Thanks for reading and reviewing, and I really appreciate the support. Got a little carried away with my quotation marks LOL! Bev
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Wow, a few extra strong beats of my heart at times!
I thought this was penned with great detail.
Your flow was wonderful, the reader feels part of the story,and joins in with the plot, and the characters.
For me the most fantastic part was when the priest was giving last rights. Absolutely beautifully penned, great imagery and awareness between the priest and Jana.
I loved reading this and I'm looking forward to your next post.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Wow, a few extra strong beats of my heart at times!
I thought this was penned with great detail.
Your flow was wonderful, the reader feels part of the story,and joins in with the plot, and the characters.
For me the most fantastic part was when the priest was giving last rights. Absolutely beautifully penned, great imagery and awareness between the priest and Jana.
I loved reading this and I'm looking forward to your next post.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Thank you so very much, Maureen. I was on the fence about the prayer section, thinking it might slow things down a bit. But, in the end, it felt right. So thanks much for mentioning your support for that.
I really appreciate your generous review, my friend. Always so good to hear from you!
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Showboat
Another captivating chapter, Bev, and very interesting as well.
I just loved the way you handled the dialogue where the priest is giving her last rites, where he's giving the blessing and she's talking to him. Very poignant.
...ritualized prayer for the deceased, memories of Debra formed a gentle counterpoint.... You mean Donna right, not Debra?
Excellent job, m'dear.
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Another captivating chapter, Bev, and very interesting as well.
I just loved the way you handled the dialogue where the priest is giving her last rites, where he's giving the blessing and she's talking to him. Very poignant.
...ritualized prayer for the deceased, memories of Debra formed a gentle counterpoint.... You mean Donna right, not Debra?
Excellent job, m'dear.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Hi, Gayle. I love this review and so appreciate your continuing support. I had gotten the name of my victim mixed up in the last two chapters LOL! That's kind of pathetic. Anyway, it's official - she's Debra.
I always love hearing from you, friend. Part 2, we start to get into the mind of the killer.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from WLHall
I think I have a lot to learn from you. You have developed the characters so well (I'm struggling with that right now)so I can take away some valuable information here. And the way you interspersed Mrs.. Padget's words between the Father's last rites hits the reader's emotions in such a sorrowful way. Very nice touch. Great job, can't wait for part 2.
Wanda
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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I think I have a lot to learn from you. You have developed the characters so well (I'm struggling with that right now)so I can take away some valuable information here. And the way you interspersed Mrs.. Padget's words between the Father's last rites hits the reader's emotions in such a sorrowful way. Very nice touch. Great job, can't wait for part 2.
Wanda
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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What a lovely and generous review, Wanda. Your support means a great deal to me. I'm especially gratified that you found the section of the prayers and memories touching. I had tears when I wrote that part - so that's especially gratifying for me.
I think it's time we meet the killer!
Warmest regards, Bev
