Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "A Graveyard Moon"Murder Mystery
57 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hey writingfundimension,
I really enjoyed this chapter of your book. This is the first I've read and you hooked me pretty quick. Whoever your murderer is, he/she seems pretty twisted!
Overall, this is a really nice chapter. I've cut and pasted some things below, but most are minor issues. I've made comments in parentheses afterwards. Any suggestions I make are just that, suggestions. This is your book, and I'm not trying to change how you write. I try to explain what I mean by giving examples most of the time. Use what you like, chuck the rest.
Officer Burke seems like an interesting character, as well. You have a good cast here! Also, good opening paragraph. I liked the description. Drew me right in.
A few things to check out:
Were they seeking approval..(+.)or possibly..(+.)absolution? (an ellipsis has three periods.) And why St. Matilde's(+,) when there were a half-dozen other parishes in the area?
He was less than five minutes from the crime scene, (you can kick this comma, you don't need it.) when he spoke into his handset
he'll contaminate the crime scene due to his total lack of experience, Sir(+.)"
And, Jana, get in that house and make sure the EMT's preserve the positioning of the body(+,) if possible."
Neighbors were standing (instead of passive phrasing 'were standing', try just 'stood'.) on their porches and lawns, bundled against the bone chill of a fall morning in Minnesota.
Most of them came from the same immigrant stock as the victim, and they (can kick this 'they'. You don't need it.) were private and tough as hell.
You've got no idea who you're messing with, (J)unior. I'll either make you a better cop or send you running home to momma.
He saw EMT's packing their equipment in the living room, and noted their voices were pitched unusually low.
(Two things here. 'He saw' is telling. Show us they are packign their equipment. Ex: The EMT's packed up their equipment in the living room.
Second: the 'were pitched' is also passive phrasing. Try more active phrasing. Ex: 'As the EMT's packed up their equipment in the living room, he noted the unusually low pitch of their voices.' -- okay this isn't perfect - but do you see what I mean?)
Debra Padget's body was posed to make her look like she was lying in a casket. The body had been obviously handled, but there were no signs that she struggled with her assailant. It was likely a toxicology screen would show the presence of some sort of sedative (Okay, here again, watch the overuse of 'was' and 'had been'. Those generally mean you are in passive voice. Here you have, 'was posed'/'was lying'/had been obviously handled'/there were/It was. Try to weed some of those out.)
She was dressed in a mauve evening gown and matching heels.
(again, same thing here. Try something like, "She wore a mauve...')
He nearly collided with the church secretary who was entering the door just as he was exiting (who was entering/he was exiting. See if you can get rid of one of these 'was's.)
The secretary pressed a kleenex against her mouth
(this I am not sure about: shouldn't 'Kleenex' be capitalized since it is a brand name? Or is it so common it doesn't have to be?)
There was genuine compassion in his voice.
(There was - passive. Try something like, "Genuine compassion filled his voice.")
Even with just the short exchange with the priest, I already like Norma's character. She feels very real.
Standing at one end of the living room was the impressive figure of Officer Burke (watch this 'was'. Consider something like: 'The impressive figure of Office Burke stood at one end of the living room.)
and she looked even more impressive in her unifo
(not sure about the repetition of 'impressive' here. See if anyone else dings you on this.)
Be prepared, Father, there's still the residue of si-la-wa-ci-T in the room.(+")
Sheriff Oleson was in the corner of the room inspecting the frame of the only window into the bedroom. (watch 'was', and also 'room' then 'bedroom'. Try something like; 'Sheriff Olson stood in the corner, inspecing the fram of the only window in the bedroom.')
"Whether it's a consecrated host or not(+,) I can't tell.(+")
I hope this helps, and please don't be offended by the rating or my comments. This is only meant to help. Please let me know if you'd like a rereview after your final edits are done. I'd be happy to do so.
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2012
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Hey writingfundimension,
I really enjoyed this chapter of your book. This is the first I've read and you hooked me pretty quick. Whoever your murderer is, he/she seems pretty twisted!
Overall, this is a really nice chapter. I've cut and pasted some things below, but most are minor issues. I've made comments in parentheses afterwards. Any suggestions I make are just that, suggestions. This is your book, and I'm not trying to change how you write. I try to explain what I mean by giving examples most of the time. Use what you like, chuck the rest.
Officer Burke seems like an interesting character, as well. You have a good cast here! Also, good opening paragraph. I liked the description. Drew me right in.
A few things to check out:
Were they seeking approval..(+.)or possibly..(+.)absolution? (an ellipsis has three periods.) And why St. Matilde's(+,) when there were a half-dozen other parishes in the area?
He was less than five minutes from the crime scene, (you can kick this comma, you don't need it.) when he spoke into his handset
he'll contaminate the crime scene due to his total lack of experience, Sir(+.)"
And, Jana, get in that house and make sure the EMT's preserve the positioning of the body(+,) if possible."
Neighbors were standing (instead of passive phrasing 'were standing', try just 'stood'.) on their porches and lawns, bundled against the bone chill of a fall morning in Minnesota.
Most of them came from the same immigrant stock as the victim, and they (can kick this 'they'. You don't need it.) were private and tough as hell.
You've got no idea who you're messing with, (J)unior. I'll either make you a better cop or send you running home to momma.
He saw EMT's packing their equipment in the living room, and noted their voices were pitched unusually low.
(Two things here. 'He saw' is telling. Show us they are packign their equipment. Ex: The EMT's packed up their equipment in the living room.
Second: the 'were pitched' is also passive phrasing. Try more active phrasing. Ex: 'As the EMT's packed up their equipment in the living room, he noted the unusually low pitch of their voices.' -- okay this isn't perfect - but do you see what I mean?)
Debra Padget's body was posed to make her look like she was lying in a casket. The body had been obviously handled, but there were no signs that she struggled with her assailant. It was likely a toxicology screen would show the presence of some sort of sedative (Okay, here again, watch the overuse of 'was' and 'had been'. Those generally mean you are in passive voice. Here you have, 'was posed'/'was lying'/had been obviously handled'/there were/It was. Try to weed some of those out.)
She was dressed in a mauve evening gown and matching heels.
(again, same thing here. Try something like, "She wore a mauve...')
He nearly collided with the church secretary who was entering the door just as he was exiting (who was entering/he was exiting. See if you can get rid of one of these 'was's.)
The secretary pressed a kleenex against her mouth
(this I am not sure about: shouldn't 'Kleenex' be capitalized since it is a brand name? Or is it so common it doesn't have to be?)
There was genuine compassion in his voice.
(There was - passive. Try something like, "Genuine compassion filled his voice.")
Even with just the short exchange with the priest, I already like Norma's character. She feels very real.
Standing at one end of the living room was the impressive figure of Officer Burke (watch this 'was'. Consider something like: 'The impressive figure of Office Burke stood at one end of the living room.)
and she looked even more impressive in her unifo
(not sure about the repetition of 'impressive' here. See if anyone else dings you on this.)
Be prepared, Father, there's still the residue of si-la-wa-ci-T in the room.(+")
Sheriff Oleson was in the corner of the room inspecting the frame of the only window into the bedroom. (watch 'was', and also 'room' then 'bedroom'. Try something like; 'Sheriff Olson stood in the corner, inspecing the fram of the only window in the bedroom.')
"Whether it's a consecrated host or not(+,) I can't tell.(+")
I hope this helps, and please don't be offended by the rating or my comments. This is only meant to help. Please let me know if you'd like a rereview after your final edits are done. I'd be happy to do so.
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your review. I'll consider your suggested changes.
Comment from AprilShower
The murder apparently has a connection with the priest. I am wondering why Father Brian is not mentioning the phone call from the murderer. Officer Newstead inexperience seems to be getting under Officer Burke and Sheriff Oleson skin. This is well written, Bev. I enjoy reading it, and I like mysteries.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2012
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The murder apparently has a connection with the priest. I am wondering why Father Brian is not mentioning the phone call from the murderer. Officer Newstead inexperience seems to be getting under Officer Burke and Sheriff Oleson skin. This is well written, Bev. I enjoy reading it, and I like mysteries.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2012
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Hi, April. I think Father Brian realizes that he needs to speak with Sheriff Oleson first about the call and the detail could be even more upsetting to his congregation. Thanks for hanging in there with me, April. I much appreciate the support. Blessings, Bev
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Did he think it would upset them if they heard a serial killer was calling him?
You're welcome, Bev.
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Yes, because they might fear for his life. Folks get pretty attached to their priests - at least in our parish they do LOL. xxx Bev
Comment from Chris Davis
Good detail and character development. nice attention to detail and even though I am not entirely familiar with the storyline, it was engaging.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Good detail and character development. nice attention to detail and even though I am not entirely familiar with the storyline, it was engaging.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Thank you much for your great review, Chris. Warm regards, Bev
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:)
Comment from Bill Schott
Terrific chapter! Im starting at chapter three but want to jump back to the beginning. The characters are taking shape for me as the good cop, the good but unknown quantity cop, and the upstart cop. The dialog and descriptions give me a vivid picture of the action. Good stuff.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Terrific chapter! Im starting at chapter three but want to jump back to the beginning. The characters are taking shape for me as the good cop, the good but unknown quantity cop, and the upstart cop. The dialog and descriptions give me a vivid picture of the action. Good stuff.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Thanks so much, Bill. Sounds like you're a fan of detective novels, too? I really appreciate this awesome review and the time you took to read the chapter. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from RazberryBullet
Hmmm...I don't get the significance of this: The lawman's attitude flipped suddenly from curious to cold-as-steel. "Any good priest, Father Brian, or just you?"
suggestion: Studying Debra's corpse, shock moved quickly to /omit>t/a heated outrage
Good job!
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Hmmm...I don't get the significance of this: The lawman's attitude flipped suddenly from curious to cold-as-steel. "Any good priest, Father Brian, or just you?"
suggestion: Studying Debra's corpse, shock moved quickly to /omit>t/a heated outrage
Good job!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Hi, Raz. Thanks for your suggestions. My only response to your question would be to suggest that Father Brian would be a person of interest to the police until he's cleared. Hope that helps. Warm regards, Bev
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Ah, I wasn't thinking the priest might know something.
Thanks!
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:)
Comment from Maureen's Pen
This was a great post. You captured me at the beginning and held my attention even past the ending. It stayed with me for a bit, my own mind roaming I guess.
Great descriptors and scene layout allows the reader to be part of the story.
Great flow and a sense of urgency in finding the killer. A small hint of humour made my night.
Well penned, and apart from that one part that had me laughing like a loon it was a brilliant story to read.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
A favourite:
""Jana, I want the area around the Padget home sealed tighter than a duck's ass." // Never heard this expression and it almost made me fall off the chair with laughter, sorry:)
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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This was a great post. You captured me at the beginning and held my attention even past the ending. It stayed with me for a bit, my own mind roaming I guess.
Great descriptors and scene layout allows the reader to be part of the story.
Great flow and a sense of urgency in finding the killer. A small hint of humour made my night.
Well penned, and apart from that one part that had me laughing like a loon it was a brilliant story to read.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
A favourite:
""Jana, I want the area around the Padget home sealed tighter than a duck's ass." // Never heard this expression and it almost made me fall off the chair with laughter, sorry:)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, Maureen. I really appreciate this wonderful review. You're always such a great reviewer and thanks for sharing what you liked :) Hugs, Bev
Comment from judiverse
This is an intriguing one, and makes me want to read more. The murder victim was laid out in such an odd way, and you go into fine detail explaining how she was dressed and positioned, etc. Sheriff Oleson is well defined. He seems a take-charge guy and absolutely knows what he's doing regarding a crime scene. Father Brian seems a dedicated priest and concerned about his parishioners. The detail of the communion host makes appear that in a way the murderer is trying to get the attention of the priest. Didn't notice any troublesome errors. judi
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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This is an intriguing one, and makes me want to read more. The murder victim was laid out in such an odd way, and you go into fine detail explaining how she was dressed and positioned, etc. Sheriff Oleson is well defined. He seems a take-charge guy and absolutely knows what he's doing regarding a crime scene. Father Brian seems a dedicated priest and concerned about his parishioners. The detail of the communion host makes appear that in a way the murderer is trying to get the attention of the priest. Didn't notice any troublesome errors. judi
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Hi, judi. I really appreciate your time and interest in Chapter III. What a grand review - made me smile. Thanks so much, my friend. Warm regards, Bev
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You're so welcome, Bev. judi
Comment from c_lucas
I trust you are writing this in third person omipresence. The POV jumped around. You have painted a very sinester scene. Good job
Deputy Sheriff Derek Oleson
Sheriff Oleson hooked his thick fingers
(Deputy Sheriff and Sheriff are two different ranks.)
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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I trust you are writing this in third person omipresence. The POV jumped around. You have painted a very sinester scene. Good job
Deputy Sheriff Derek Oleson
Sheriff Oleson hooked his thick fingers
(Deputy Sheriff and Sheriff are two different ranks.)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Thanks for the suggestions and guidance, charlie! Bev
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You welcome, Bev. Just be glad you're not talking about a High Sheriff, a Marshal and Constable. (LOL)
Comment from june bug
Wow! This was professionally written. Grabbed my interest right away. Loved the dialogue. Great dramatic contruction and you kept the reader in suspence. There is nothing I would change about this wonderful story. Awesome job! Best regards to you.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Wow! This was professionally written. Grabbed my interest right away. Loved the dialogue. Great dramatic contruction and you kept the reader in suspence. There is nothing I would change about this wonderful story. Awesome job! Best regards to you.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, june bug. I really appreciate you taking time to read this chapter. And I am very honored by your generous and supportive review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Bev
Beautifully written. Moves at a good pace, maintaining tension.
The religious elements in this work well and keep the reader interested. After Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, books of this nature are extremely popular. Must be a good chance of finding a publisher for this novel?
Ron xox
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Hi Bev
Beautifully written. Moves at a good pace, maintaining tension.
The religious elements in this work well and keep the reader interested. After Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, books of this nature are extremely popular. Must be a good chance of finding a publisher for this novel?
Ron xox
Comment Written 17-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Ron, I really appreciate your generosity, here. Thanks for the support, as always, and for the time you took to read the chapter. I always relax a little after hearing from you - not much gets past you, my friend LOL. Xxx Bev
