Senryu Provocations
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "wistful dreams perish"Reflection on human behavior
19 total reviews
Comment from mermaids
Words of wisdom from a short poetic form. I like the word "inaction". It gives me motivation to do more and get going on stuff I keep putting off. Excellent senryu form.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Words of wisdom from a short poetic form. I like the word "inaction". It gives me motivation to do more and get going on stuff I keep putting off. Excellent senryu form.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Glad I motivated you-- at least long enough to write some reviews LOL
Comment from mountainwriter49
I enjoyed your senyru. It's political/social
commentary is spot-on given the issues of
the day in the US and Europe. A thoughtful
poem that allows the reader to think about
the broader issues.
From a senryu construction point of view, I think
some tweaking so as to provide for lines one and two
to be grammatically connected would help the flow of
the read. The satori is excellent. Also, don't limit yourself
to the 5-7-5 format when writing senryu. It can be variable,
although not exceeding 15 to 17 syllables on the whole.
Ray
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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I enjoyed your senyru. It's political/social
commentary is spot-on given the issues of
the day in the US and Europe. A thoughtful
poem that allows the reader to think about
the broader issues.
From a senryu construction point of view, I think
some tweaking so as to provide for lines one and two
to be grammatically connected would help the flow of
the read. The satori is excellent. Also, don't limit yourself
to the 5-7-5 format when writing senryu. It can be variable,
although not exceeding 15 to 17 syllables on the whole.
Ray
Comment Written 10-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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I was hoping you'd take a look. I made a change. If time, take a second look and tell me if that's what you meant. Thanks,my friend.
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Yes, so much better!
Comment from barkingdog
Sad to think of the number of people who waste on skid row. They may never have had attainable dreams or if they did they were cut short by circumstances. Who knows the many stories there.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Sad to think of the number of people who waste on skid row. They may never have had attainable dreams or if they did they were cut short by circumstances. Who knows the many stories there.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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I think all children must have dreams especially if exposed to television. I'm an optimistic. We offer free education and a high school diploma is part of the way out. Kids and parents too don't give credit to what good schooling give you access to.
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Their environment damns them to believe that the 'school' is not their world. It is where they go but not where they feel that they belong. They find a comfort on the streets/their neighborhood. I did. It's hard to give it all up and move away and change. It's so hard for kids to hold onto dreams without a way out. Education is the answer but they need money now and time fights them all the way.
Comment from Glasstruth
Awesome picture, I mean well chosen. The second line is unique in the way you worded it, "starved dry by lack of action" If we can't dream, there's nothing left. Well written, but sad. Les
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Awesome picture, I mean well chosen. The second line is unique in the way you worded it, "starved dry by lack of action" If we can't dream, there's nothing left. Well written, but sad. Les
Comment Written 10-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Thanks, Les, for your specific review. Always nice to know what pushes your button.
Comment from Louise Michelle
And yet so many of these 'residents' are mentally ill. Saw a wonderful documentary on this subject ages ago - really gives one insight into the plight of the street people.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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And yet so many of these 'residents' are mentally ill. Saw a wonderful documentary on this subject ages ago - really gives one insight into the plight of the street people.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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You're right about that, Lou. It's sad they don't have family who can help.
Comment from krazykats2011
This says a lot in just a few short syllables, doesn't it? Is our fate predetermined by lack of action? I wonder. So it that would be true, than it would be wise to follow our dreams to some degree, so that we're not all left to the skid rows in life...pretty deep, if you ask me. Then again, maybe it's just too damned early in the morning to be reading such in-depth poetry. Great job with this one, because if nothing else, you have made me think just a little bit deeper than I usually do at this time of day.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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This says a lot in just a few short syllables, doesn't it? Is our fate predetermined by lack of action? I wonder. So it that would be true, than it would be wise to follow our dreams to some degree, so that we're not all left to the skid rows in life...pretty deep, if you ask me. Then again, maybe it's just too damned early in the morning to be reading such in-depth poetry. Great job with this one, because if nothing else, you have made me think just a little bit deeper than I usually do at this time of day.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Yeah, I don't think too deep in the morning early. Since we have free will (another gift from God) our fate can be changed by our attitude and actions, or so I believe.
Comment from LilHippie
So very true, so very sad. I see it all the time when I travel into urban areas. Everyone just does not even notice, just walks around the people sleeping on the street or down in subways. Over seventy percent of homeless in U.S. are women and children. But back to your poem, which is raw, honest and has impact, which is intensified by that sad photo and the background color which is dim, because the situation is dim, and grave.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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So very true, so very sad. I see it all the time when I travel into urban areas. Everyone just does not even notice, just walks around the people sleeping on the street or down in subways. Over seventy percent of homeless in U.S. are women and children. But back to your poem, which is raw, honest and has impact, which is intensified by that sad photo and the background color which is dim, because the situation is dim, and grave.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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So glad you noticed my deliberate choice of color, fitting to the subject. Things get worse every day in this economy. Something has to be done before we end up a third world country.
Comment from Maustin
A sad tale. The artwork is very moving. The phrase you used"starved dry by lack of action," very vivid and made me stop in my tracks. I enjoyed your work. Recommended read.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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A sad tale. The artwork is very moving. The phrase you used"starved dry by lack of action," very vivid and made me stop in my tracks. I enjoyed your work. Recommended read.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Thanks again, Maustin for your specific review. I appreciate it.
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So welcome Spitfire.
-Miracle
Comment from adewpearl
your poem is perfectly illustrated and is in excellent 5/7/5 form
Your observation is so insightful - you are so right that many people in terrible situations have wonderful dreams, but for a wide variety of reasons they have been unable or unwilling to act on them Brooke
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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your poem is perfectly illustrated and is in excellent 5/7/5 form
Your observation is so insightful - you are so right that many people in terrible situations have wonderful dreams, but for a wide variety of reasons they have been unable or unwilling to act on them Brooke
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Thanks, Brooke, for your thoughtful review.
Comment from ameen786
A very contemporary write my friend, given the current economic conditions, more and more are forced to become "Skid row residents"--is the double entendre in the second line by design? The picture is telling.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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A very contemporary write my friend, given the current economic conditions, more and more are forced to become "Skid row residents"--is the double entendre in the second line by design? The picture is telling.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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You're the second reader to see a double meaning. I didn't consciously do it, but it's always to have one.
