Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Maiden Moon"Murder Mystery
77 total reviews
Comment from WLHall
This is a very good, intriguing story. I love it that I have started it at the beginning so I would like to follow it. I will make you one of my fans so I can be notified. Your writing is excellent as far as I know. You are much higher in rank than me. And that's what I want to do it surround myself with writers better than me so I can really learn. I have tough skin so I hope you will be willing to read some of mine and really give me an honest opinion. I don't mean to go on about myself...this is your review for this chapter. I find it mysterious and can't wait to see how it all pans out with this caller and one of his parishioners dead. Great job. Blessings.
Wanda
WLHall
P.S. Right now I am in a ditch as far as my writing. I just can't seem to come up with another short story. I think I have one in the making, but still not sure how it will work out. If you don't mind, I will message you when I get something posted and promoted. Thanks.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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This is a very good, intriguing story. I love it that I have started it at the beginning so I would like to follow it. I will make you one of my fans so I can be notified. Your writing is excellent as far as I know. You are much higher in rank than me. And that's what I want to do it surround myself with writers better than me so I can really learn. I have tough skin so I hope you will be willing to read some of mine and really give me an honest opinion. I don't mean to go on about myself...this is your review for this chapter. I find it mysterious and can't wait to see how it all pans out with this caller and one of his parishioners dead. Great job. Blessings.
Wanda
WLHall
P.S. Right now I am in a ditch as far as my writing. I just can't seem to come up with another short story. I think I have one in the making, but still not sure how it will work out. If you don't mind, I will message you when I get something posted and promoted. Thanks.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Hello, Wanda. What a lovely and generous review. I would be most happy to read and review your writing. I'll fan you so that I can stay on top of your posting. Sometimes it takes a while for me to get to a newly posted piece - I've got quite a few people I'm following. But I will gladly make time to support you as you have so kindly supported me. Warm regards, Bev
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Thank you and you're welcome. I know, I am following quite a few people, too.
Wanda
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It's fun, though, isn't it, Wanda. And the bucks and points add up pretty fast that way. Ta Ta for Now, Bev
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That's true.
Comment from axelbeariter
It was the devil's hour, when the night was naked of color, that Father Brian DeShano's faith clashed with doubt./Great opening line.----Love your title too----overachieving air-conditioning system./Love that----cataract of fear blinded him to its possibilities./Nice----homilists/I learned a new word. When I come across a word I don't know, I always look it up. That's how I've been able to expand my vocabulary.----Brian asked as cleared a space on the front seat./Put he after as----"Beats the heck out of me. Mother earth's signals grow inceasingly mysterious to me./inceasingly should read unceasingly or increasingly----I just go about my day and appreciate the warmth of brother sun whenever he chooses to appear."/An accurate homily of an authority who has a sense of self and exudes humility----Tony gutted and scaled the fish they caught and then Brian seasoned it with/Since you say they, that assumes more than one fish was caught thereby begging seasoned it to be written as them----That also applies to searing it as being searing them----"Be very careful, my friend, that you do not lose yourself in the land of the dead. You do not know the cost of what you seek."/I was about to suggest you use this as the chapter's ending, because it is such a great hook, but after reading the real end, I see an equally good hook. What a shame to waste one of those, because it's so hard to find perfect endings and you have two in one chapter.----You write this so I can picture myself looking over Brian's shoulder.----My timing was perfect. I didn't even know you were preparing to post a novel, yet I became a fan of yours. This is the first time, I've ever started a book from the get go./This deserves a six, so you'll have to pretend the five is a six since FS won't allow any more in my repertoire this month.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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It was the devil's hour, when the night was naked of color, that Father Brian DeShano's faith clashed with doubt./Great opening line.----Love your title too----overachieving air-conditioning system./Love that----cataract of fear blinded him to its possibilities./Nice----homilists/I learned a new word. When I come across a word I don't know, I always look it up. That's how I've been able to expand my vocabulary.----Brian asked as cleared a space on the front seat./Put he after as----"Beats the heck out of me. Mother earth's signals grow inceasingly mysterious to me./inceasingly should read unceasingly or increasingly----I just go about my day and appreciate the warmth of brother sun whenever he chooses to appear."/An accurate homily of an authority who has a sense of self and exudes humility----Tony gutted and scaled the fish they caught and then Brian seasoned it with/Since you say they, that assumes more than one fish was caught thereby begging seasoned it to be written as them----That also applies to searing it as being searing them----"Be very careful, my friend, that you do not lose yourself in the land of the dead. You do not know the cost of what you seek."/I was about to suggest you use this as the chapter's ending, because it is such a great hook, but after reading the real end, I see an equally good hook. What a shame to waste one of those, because it's so hard to find perfect endings and you have two in one chapter.----You write this so I can picture myself looking over Brian's shoulder.----My timing was perfect. I didn't even know you were preparing to post a novel, yet I became a fan of yours. This is the first time, I've ever started a book from the get go./This deserves a six, so you'll have to pretend the five is a six since FS won't allow any more in my repertoire this month.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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I am so grateful for wonderful readers, like yourself, Axel that take so much time to help me improve my writing. I've had a lot of excellent suggestions on how to improve the piece, a few have echo yours! I did consider leaving that prophecy as the chapter end, but since I had to give a background for the chapter synopsis which precedes the actual chapter, I had to tie in the murder. Sometimes the background information is helpful, in this case it sort of ruins some of the mystery. Oh well. I'm off to make some changes - and thank you very kindly once again, my friend. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Connie C
You really have a knack for writing fiction, Bev. I got pretty swept up in this, and I'm anxious to read more, especially to learn why Brian is warned not to lose himself "in the land of the dead." I see this is chapter one, so there's be more to come! Your use of dialogue and your description throughout is excellent. I like the touch of alliteration in your very first sentence with "the night was naked of color." Honestly, I am very impressed with this. I joined FS over two years ago so I could write short fiction, and I haven't written any fiction in so long. Your story inspires me to want to get back into it. I truly enjoyed this, my dear friend, and I would give this a six if FS would only let me do so. Hugs to you. Connie
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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You really have a knack for writing fiction, Bev. I got pretty swept up in this, and I'm anxious to read more, especially to learn why Brian is warned not to lose himself "in the land of the dead." I see this is chapter one, so there's be more to come! Your use of dialogue and your description throughout is excellent. I like the touch of alliteration in your very first sentence with "the night was naked of color." Honestly, I am very impressed with this. I joined FS over two years ago so I could write short fiction, and I haven't written any fiction in so long. Your story inspires me to want to get back into it. I truly enjoyed this, my dear friend, and I would give this a six if FS would only let me do so. Hugs to you. Connie
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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What a beautiful review, my friend. And before I go any further I'm going to beg you to consider writing a fiction piece soon! I believe you have a great eye for beauty in the everyday occurences, and I've always felt your poems are mini-stories. It's what I most enjoy about them. You ARE a storyteller, so go write some stories LOL! Thanks so much for your encouragement here. Expect some twists in the chapters ahead - maybe a bit of the paranormal. Hugs, Bev
P.S. Thank you sweet lady for the virtual six. I'm honored.
Comment from wordsfromsue
This is a really good start to your story. I like the multiple storylines of mysterious circumstances the Father is facing, the details the shaman was able to decipher in the photograph and the character traits of the two main men.
I look forward to the next chapter!
This is definitely worthy of six stars!
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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This is a really good start to your story. I like the multiple storylines of mysterious circumstances the Father is facing, the details the shaman was able to decipher in the photograph and the character traits of the two main men.
I look forward to the next chapter!
This is definitely worthy of six stars!
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you so very much, sue. Your generosity has me smiling! And your words of support are priceless, as they say. I love Father Brian and can't wait to show the different sides of his complicated personality. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
It reads much better, Bev. I understand much better what is going on now. I am glad this story is making much more sense, my friend. I hope you feel the same. I try always to be honest.
April
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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It reads much better, Bev. I understand much better what is going on now. I am glad this story is making much more sense, my friend. I hope you feel the same. I try always to be honest.
April
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Hi, April. Well, I hope that you will continue to read as some of the parts will become clearer. This is an opening chapter and so there are elements, such as Brian's relationship with his mother and how Brian will become involved in the murder - yes, Donna was murdered and has just a marginal part in this story - that will have to wait until the next chapter. Sorry you found it confusing. Warm regards, Bev
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I will continue, Bev.
Warm regards, April
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I've made some changes based on your honest feedback, so I thank you for taking the time to let me know how you felt, April. Everyone's perspective adds some new element. Cheers! Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Oh, Bev. This is SO exciting. A murder mystery! I got shivers when I read the part with the chess game and the photo. You know darn well I'm really into this psychic stuff. And I ADORE all things Native American. I am so fascinated by their mysticism. You have captured the essence of it beautifully, my friend. I am hooked right away on this new venture of yours. Got a wee tingle going on.
I so wish I could give you a six, but you're rationed right now.
The author notes are excellent. I really like it when a writer uses authentic language and expression. Adds so much integrity to a work, I think. Well done, my talented friend
This is fantastic - something to get my teeth into.
Woo-hoo! Can't wait to read more!
Hugs, Av
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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Oh, Bev. This is SO exciting. A murder mystery! I got shivers when I read the part with the chess game and the photo. You know darn well I'm really into this psychic stuff. And I ADORE all things Native American. I am so fascinated by their mysticism. You have captured the essence of it beautifully, my friend. I am hooked right away on this new venture of yours. Got a wee tingle going on.
I so wish I could give you a six, but you're rationed right now.
The author notes are excellent. I really like it when a writer uses authentic language and expression. Adds so much integrity to a work, I think. Well done, my talented friend
This is fantastic - something to get my teeth into.
Woo-hoo! Can't wait to read more!
Hugs, Av
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Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thanks so much, Av. I've gotten some mixed reactions to my story, so your review really helps me feel better about the story. It's a psychological game of cat and mouse and I hope to keep the tension going as long as I can! Really, I so appreciate your words of support, my friend. Warm hugs, Bev
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Ah, you're good at this mystery stuff, Bev. The characters are already believable and defined, and that hook at the end was excellent. I have complete faith in you, and can't wait to read more.
Hugs, Av
Comment from JW
Though well written, this is a very unusual story. One that you cannot foresee it's ending.
You did a good job in writing this. Thanks for sharing. JW
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Though well written, this is a very unusual story. One that you cannot foresee it's ending.
You did a good job in writing this. Thanks for sharing. JW
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thanks, Jonathon. I appreciate your perspective and generous review. There are going to be some unusual elements in the story - I never seem to stray very far from the paranormal. Much appreciated! Bev
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Ok you've hooked me...
Great flow and was interesting with the picture and the Native Indian....their grasp on such things was powerful.
Your last line left me hanging...
""Was harmless and sweet. Now she's just dead.""// sounds like a smartass...:)
But what an ending....
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Ok you've hooked me...
Great flow and was interesting with the picture and the Native Indian....their grasp on such things was powerful.
Your last line left me hanging...
""Was harmless and sweet. Now she's just dead.""// sounds like a smartass...:)
But what an ending....
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Hi, Maureen. I've received some good suggestions for clearing up some confusions and adding elements to the story to make it better. So, I appreciate your insights very much. Serial killers are usually preternaturally intelligent and supremely arrogant. I'm glad that his personality came through to you. Much appreciated, my friend. Hugs, Bev
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One thing I know for sure, I'm never reading it at night. I'm a sap, hide behind cushions and cover my ears kinda sap in scary movies.....I'm gonna have nightmares....:)
Hugs
Maureen
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Well, I'm not going to have a lot of creepy paranormal stuff as I've used before - I'd like this to be a blend of suspense and psychological cat and mouse. Thanks again, my friend. Xxx Bev
Comment from Janie King
I normally stay clear of the horror an crime/mystery pieces..I am such a wimp...even though something is fiction I find I take it to heart..theis is well-written and we already have a dead woman...sigh...God bless.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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I normally stay clear of the horror an crime/mystery pieces..I am such a wimp...even though something is fiction I find I take it to heart..theis is well-written and we already have a dead woman...sigh...God bless.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thank you for taking the time to read an uncomfortable genre for you, Janie. I'm using the mystery as a back-drop to the testing of Father DeShano's beliefs and faith. It's very kind of you to offer your support and I really appreciate it. Blessings, Bev
Comment from jimbo starr
First chapter, first read of your work, and excellent. Good flow and grab. This has ingredients used many times, ( Faith, Shamanism, murder? Native Americans, changing global weather, man's best friend, etc.) but this is smartly used in your stories 1st chapter make up and intro. Maybe expand details on the 'meal of fresh caught fish'.Could add mouth watering Indian herbs etc. Food description in any story/novel works,as it appeals to all. Maybe also leave out the meanings in brackets of 'Sioux' tongue and if you explain Tony's real Sioux name earlier, same thing. All these can be explained as you have in 'Summary of native words etc.' At the end of novels, stories, etc. Same as you have done at author notes. This will improve flow, intrigue, and add suspense to this great exciting start. Fab 5++
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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First chapter, first read of your work, and excellent. Good flow and grab. This has ingredients used many times, ( Faith, Shamanism, murder? Native Americans, changing global weather, man's best friend, etc.) but this is smartly used in your stories 1st chapter make up and intro. Maybe expand details on the 'meal of fresh caught fish'.Could add mouth watering Indian herbs etc. Food description in any story/novel works,as it appeals to all. Maybe also leave out the meanings in brackets of 'Sioux' tongue and if you explain Tony's real Sioux name earlier, same thing. All these can be explained as you have in 'Summary of native words etc.' At the end of novels, stories, etc. Same as you have done at author notes. This will improve flow, intrigue, and add suspense to this great exciting start. Fab 5++
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2012
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Thanks so much for your really excellent review, JS. You've given me much to consider and, indeed, I have already taken some of your suggestions to heart. I appreciate the time you took to read the chapter and offer your insights. I'm going to go with your suggestion about the Indian dialect, though, this seems to be a matter of some debate on the site - based on my past experiences. Some folks like the interpretation as they read, some don't. Personally, I prefer the latter. Kind regards, Bev
