Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Maiden Moon"Murder Mystery
77 total reviews
Comment from peggles
This is an engrossing storyline
And a interesting opening
The images you create are visually sound
I think you have a good material for an original novel
I like the characters so far and will be watching as you developed them further
Your notes were very useful
Well done on this chapter
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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This is an engrossing storyline
And a interesting opening
The images you create are visually sound
I think you have a good material for an original novel
I like the characters so far and will be watching as you developed them further
Your notes were very useful
Well done on this chapter
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much, peggles. I really appreciate you taking time to read the chapter and offer your insights. They're really helpful in deciding the direction I want the novel to go. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from psalmist
I think the first thing that spoke to me was your willingness to embrace differing cultures. Like you, I believe we can learn much from each other, sharing beliefs and ideas. I also like the inclusion of the Sioux dialect. I enjoy languages of all kinds. You have captured my interest with this first chapter and I look forward to more. Linda
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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I think the first thing that spoke to me was your willingness to embrace differing cultures. Like you, I believe we can learn much from each other, sharing beliefs and ideas. I also like the inclusion of the Sioux dialect. I enjoy languages of all kinds. You have captured my interest with this first chapter and I look forward to more. Linda
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Hi, Linda. I've long been fascinated by the variety and depth of the Native American Indian cultures here in the United States. My mother was part Indian, so I come by it sort of naturally. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing my first chaper of this novel. Much appreciate the support! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"a striking woman with black hair that accentuated THE CURVE OF HER SMALL BREASTS." Sounds as if the hair was growing out of her breasts. I had to read it twice to figure it out. Not a good juxtapositioning of images.
"INSTINCTUALLY, he felt the picture held clues to his mother's fate." INSTINCTIVELY.
Instinctually is used mainly in a scientific study of something to do with instincts. Google the two and see what it says.
"Think the rain...? Brian asked as HE cleared a space on the front seat." Insert "HE"
I liked the character of Tony Buday and I enjoyed the relationship between the two old friends.
"I might just as well..." I would leave that out. It doesn't advance the story. Start with "Reaching into the cupboard...
You introduced a strong element of danger. Cold bastard. "Now she's just dead." Good ending.
A nice little journey for me, Sue. I'll check in again.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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"a striking woman with black hair that accentuated THE CURVE OF HER SMALL BREASTS." Sounds as if the hair was growing out of her breasts. I had to read it twice to figure it out. Not a good juxtapositioning of images.
"INSTINCTUALLY, he felt the picture held clues to his mother's fate." INSTINCTIVELY.
Instinctually is used mainly in a scientific study of something to do with instincts. Google the two and see what it says.
"Think the rain...? Brian asked as HE cleared a space on the front seat." Insert "HE"
I liked the character of Tony Buday and I enjoyed the relationship between the two old friends.
"I might just as well..." I would leave that out. It doesn't advance the story. Start with "Reaching into the cupboard...
You introduced a strong element of danger. Cold bastard. "Now she's just dead." Good ending.
A nice little journey for me, Sue. I'll check in again.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thanks for your advice and consideration, Sue. I'll consider your suggestions for improvement and much appreciate your review. Bev
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Sorry for the name change, Bev. Guess I called you Sue. We'll get that straightened out. You're Bev, I'm Adrienne. LOL!
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Sorry for the name change, Bev. Guess I called you Sue. We'll get that straightened out. You're Bev, I'm Adrienne. LOL!
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Hey, I didn't even notice. No problemo, Adrienne! You know I've always loved that name - sounds so European.
Comment from adewpearl
Great opening line - drew me right in
Excellent description of setting that sets the tone of your story well
You set the stage well
I like the relationship you set up between Tony and Brian
good dialogue between them
That is one intriguing phone call at the end... you have my attention. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Great opening line - drew me right in
Excellent description of setting that sets the tone of your story well
You set the stage well
I like the relationship you set up between Tony and Brian
good dialogue between them
That is one intriguing phone call at the end... you have my attention. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thanks for the very thorough and helpful review, Brooke. I really appreciate your taking time out to read the chapter and offer your insights. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from robina1978
Intriguing and promising start of your book. Well written and an original subject too. Thanks for the foot note, did not know all words you used. Look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Intriguing and promising start of your book. Well written and an original subject too. Thanks for the foot note, did not know all words you used. Look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thanks so very much, Ine. I really appreciate your interest and support for the chapter! Warm regards, Bev
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so welcome Bev, I enjoy them.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this first chapter of the bisho[ that receives a phone call from one of his parishioner's murderer
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this first chapter of the bisho[ that receives a phone call from one of his parishioner's murderer
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much, sweet. I really appreciate your generous review and support! Blessings, Bev
Comment from jennyindy
Writingfundimension,
This is excellent in so many ways!!! I love how you are subtly crafting the personas of the missing, but still key characters, Brian's parents. I enjoyed too the use of Sioux adjectives and nouns to give the reader insight into the missing links here.
This has really gotten my curiosity up....excellent work Bev(I hope I'm remembering your name right ;-)!
Jenny
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Writingfundimension,
This is excellent in so many ways!!! I love how you are subtly crafting the personas of the missing, but still key characters, Brian's parents. I enjoyed too the use of Sioux adjectives and nouns to give the reader insight into the missing links here.
This has really gotten my curiosity up....excellent work Bev(I hope I'm remembering your name right ;-)!
Jenny
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Hiya, Jenny. Thank you for your awesome review. I'm glad you feel the story has coherence and holds your interest. I love Native American Indian culture and plan to weave that element through the story - along with some other surprises. I so appreciate your generosity here - the stars are wonderful and, even more, are your words of support. Blessings, Bev
Comment from misscookie
This kis a bvery interesting chapter
Which had my attention from the first line to the lst.
There was nevery a dull moment which kept me ns I'm sure other reader wanting to cobtinue reading. this is a god write.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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This kis a bvery interesting chapter
Which had my attention from the first line to the lst.
There was nevery a dull moment which kept me ns I'm sure other reader wanting to cobtinue reading. this is a god write.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much, misscookie. I really appreciate the time you took to read my chapter and your encouragement. Blessings, Bev
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My pleasure.
Comment from Rob Caudle
My first time reading your work i wish i could offer suggestions to make it better but quite frankly it is pretty near perfect. I love the tension your build to drive your story forward. a shaman and a priest fishing!! the spiritual implications are hidden in plain sight you hook at the end who could read the next chapter. well done
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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My first time reading your work i wish i could offer suggestions to make it better but quite frankly it is pretty near perfect. I love the tension your build to drive your story forward. a shaman and a priest fishing!! the spiritual implications are hidden in plain sight you hook at the end who could read the next chapter. well done
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Hello, Rob. Thank you for taking the time to read my chapter. I really appreciate the support and encouragement of your words. I love that you spoke of the irony of the two men fishing - it's got me thinking about the implications of that on a deeper level. You're awesome! Warm regards, Bev
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you are welcome, Bev, I will follow along as time allows.I know we are all here for the same reasons to share our work and get better at our craft. Alas tomorrow I return to the world of work and paychecks
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No pressure, Rob. I appreciate any and all interest for the reasons you state so well here. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
-with black hair that accentuated the curve of her small breasts (this read a bit awkwardly. Tell how the black hair accentuated her breasts. As it is now, I thought she had hair (as some women do) on/between her breasts.
-passion for fishing[,] so Brian arranged
-asked as[he] cleared
-bag[,] and whether
You need to go through and check your conjunctions to see if they need a comma in front of them. There seems to a few missing.
Use a comma + a little conjunction (and, but, for, nor, yet, or, so) to connect two independent clauses, as in "He hit the ball well, but he ran toward third base."
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm#2
The dialogue is natural
-chessboard is one word
-rythmic rain pounded the sides of the cabin, adding another layer of thickness to the trapped heat of the day. (Love the description of this sentence. You have many such sections that bring life to the piece. They are very original -- all you. Nice.)
What a great jolt to have the possible killer call Brian from the dead shut-in's phone. Would a priest say Jesus, God? If so would he be crossing himself at the same time. You may want to say that. I see him doing that.
Oh, don't forget to let Alyx go potty. LOL Believe it or not that was on my mind. He could trot out a doggie door. He is a full blown character now and many will be following to see how he fits into the story.
I am ready for the next chapter.
I have lots of stuff on commas,if you need it. I am still fighting with them, myself.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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-with black hair that accentuated the curve of her small breasts (this read a bit awkwardly. Tell how the black hair accentuated her breasts. As it is now, I thought she had hair (as some women do) on/between her breasts.
-passion for fishing[,] so Brian arranged
-asked as[he] cleared
-bag[,] and whether
You need to go through and check your conjunctions to see if they need a comma in front of them. There seems to a few missing.
Use a comma + a little conjunction (and, but, for, nor, yet, or, so) to connect two independent clauses, as in "He hit the ball well, but he ran toward third base."
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm#2
The dialogue is natural
-chessboard is one word
-rythmic rain pounded the sides of the cabin, adding another layer of thickness to the trapped heat of the day. (Love the description of this sentence. You have many such sections that bring life to the piece. They are very original -- all you. Nice.)
What a great jolt to have the possible killer call Brian from the dead shut-in's phone. Would a priest say Jesus, God? If so would he be crossing himself at the same time. You may want to say that. I see him doing that.
Oh, don't forget to let Alyx go potty. LOL Believe it or not that was on my mind. He could trot out a doggie door. He is a full blown character now and many will be following to see how he fits into the story.
I am ready for the next chapter.
I have lots of stuff on commas,if you need it. I am still fighting with them, myself.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Hi, Ellen. Thank you for this awesome review. You are not the only person who had trouble with the hair situation, so I've changed it. Honestly, it never occured to me LOL! And a great suggestion about Alyx, especially since he will continue to play a part in the story. As to the commas with conjunctions, there doesn't always need to be one preceding a conjunction. But, I'll go back to my class notes and check out your suggestions.
Great advice, my friend. Your thorough look at the chapter with an editor's eye is much appreciated and very helpful. Warm regards, Bev
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I know that if the two parts of the sentence are equally balanced that the comma is not required, but it is not wrong either. If you find a rule that says not to use them, it will sure save me a lot of time editing. Please, let me know what you find. OK?
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The thing that gives me pause is whether the two sides are equally balanced, as you say. It's probably the safest to just use a comma - when in doubt - and remove it when an editor tells you it doesn't belong there. If I come across the section I'm thinking of in my notes I'll be sure to let you know. Thanks again, Ellen. I've already made some of your suggested changes.
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I do like her hair better this way. LOL Much more becoming.:)
Thank you for letting me know when you find anything official on commas.:)
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Sure will, my notes are from Brooke's SPAG class and I'll PM a couple of samples we can discuss. Ta Ta for Now...Bev
