Washing Line
Spiritual love comes from within and never dies.3 total reviews
Comment from dhee khaye
Ahmmn... sky, I just can't get your 5-7-5
You follow the syllables well
But my problem is in some line it is not clearly presented like. the first line... "That I might feel you" you started in a wrong manner.
If you will take my suggestions you can flip some lines and replace some words like...
Leave dry clothes for bones
While, summon clouds away
So I might feel you
center your poem and put image background to support your poem.
You can contact for help when you get problem
---Better now
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Ahmmn... sky, I just can't get your 5-7-5
You follow the syllables well
But my problem is in some line it is not clearly presented like. the first line... "That I might feel you" you started in a wrong manner.
If you will take my suggestions you can flip some lines and replace some words like...
Leave dry clothes for bones
While, summon clouds away
So I might feel you
center your poem and put image background to support your poem.
You can contact for help when you get problem
---Better now
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Thank you Dhee, that is a nice suggestion... I have looked at it many times and flipped it around. :)
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no worries, I am just starting my career here but I am too serious, in every corrections of my friends here I always stuck in my mind. I can't say that my suggestion is perfect but as a judge or reviewer I can say that is better. May I ask you something, no offense I just want to help, are you really a poetic person?
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Yes, I've written over 400 poems, short stories etc; many types over many years and have a writing degree. These days I'm more into acoustic guitar and song writing. :)
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Ow that is why, it seems like your out of the line, but I have view your profile joined 2005 right? Maybe your focus is in music now, well keep it up.
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Something of your suggestion taken into account dhee; the picture seems a bit too small and I haven't figured out how to merge the text with picture.
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hmmmn... Can I ask first, what is the main point of your poem?
I mean, what is the things that you want to figure out in this poem?
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A spirit conveys this poem:
Leave dry clothes for bones/ [the wearers are no longer alive]
Atmo, summon clouds away/ [spirits leave the world of the living]
That I might feel you/ [so the earth-bound spirits can be united]
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So think the image that you put is suited in the poem, it can be. I will change my rating
Comment from mumsyone
I didn't understand your poem until I looked up "atmo"; evidently, it is a UK expression/slang (that you might want to explain in your notes). Once I knew what it was, I enjoyed reading your poem. I especially like your last line.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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I didn't understand your poem until I looked up "atmo"; evidently, it is a UK expression/slang (that you might want to explain in your notes). Once I knew what it was, I enjoyed reading your poem. I especially like your last line.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Many thanks - appreciated. :)
Comment from Chris Tee
I like this
Now to the serious stuff the review
Please be aware that this is a rating, generated from the darn info, pumped into this computer and not yours.
Syllable count.................Spot-on
Flow of piece..................Superb
Artwork..........................Sadly none
Rhyming.........................N/A
Content ..........................Sanity prevailing
Presentation stanzas........Regular
Alliteration/ assonance....Found none
Final synopsis................Sane and serene
Total.................................10/10
Result computed..............Give this five stars
Computed Comments......This is an excellent poem
Reviewers comments:
Well done here my dear fellow poet, the result is rather splendid and extremely pleasing if I may say so, old sport.
Well done just add the artwork to make this very competitive.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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I like this
Now to the serious stuff the review
Please be aware that this is a rating, generated from the darn info, pumped into this computer and not yours.
Syllable count.................Spot-on
Flow of piece..................Superb
Artwork..........................Sadly none
Rhyming.........................N/A
Content ..........................Sanity prevailing
Presentation stanzas........Regular
Alliteration/ assonance....Found none
Final synopsis................Sane and serene
Total.................................10/10
Result computed..............Give this five stars
Computed Comments......This is an excellent poem
Reviewers comments:
Well done here my dear fellow poet, the result is rather splendid and extremely pleasing if I may say so, old sport.
Well done just add the artwork to make this very competitive.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Thank you Chris, I'm having a bit of trouble adding artwork; will try again. :)
