The Room was Empty...Full Circle
This sentence starts the story contest23 total reviews
Comment from doubleblank
I really enjoyed your take on this contest, I have also entered it. While I was reading I went through different emotions regarding the spider, which is good writing. I only have one negative to say. Some parts were quite contradictory and the continuous use of "The room was empty" I believe could be discarded. Very well done with this and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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I really enjoyed your take on this contest, I have also entered it. While I was reading I went through different emotions regarding the spider, which is good writing. I only have one negative to say. Some parts were quite contradictory and the continuous use of "The room was empty" I believe could be discarded. Very well done with this and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much for your review. I'm fairly new to this whole writing thing and have a lot to learn.
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That's ok, so am I.
Comment from Herb
A good entry to the contest and an unusal/interesting take on it. The nature of the story leave no room for dialogue but it works.
:)
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2012
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A good entry to the contest and an unusal/interesting take on it. The nature of the story leave no room for dialogue but it works.
:)
Comment Written 23-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much for your review.
Comment from Jonesy
I didn't want to give this a 4 because overall it's written so well. But there are places that can be improved and one of them is, is this for children? It's listed as general fiction but the writing strongly suggests that (which would also help explain the heavy use of second person writing).
Another big issue I had was the part starting with:
The room was empty...of all but a big black and red spider.
Not only does this give a strong impression the author is staring over (left notes on that below) but can make a strong case the three paragraphs starting with this sentence don't pertain to the story as a whole. Remove it entirely? Up to the author, but certainly don't think 3 paragraphs are needed.
So, I liked this, I did. But some parts that didn't make much sense to me means I can't quite go with a 5. Also, below are some specific things the author might want to look at (only through the first half of the story though)
***No, it is not, as some of you might guess***
Not listing as a mistake (and have seem published authors do this), but some feel the reader distraction of writing in second person isn't worth the uniqueness of it
***very ugly black spider***
Is "very" needed? Usually not because adjectives like "ugly" do the job on its own
***I can only assume that the spider ... ***
Even in parentheses this is still a jarring shift into first person (and generally accepted to put a
space between the preceding word and the opening parentheses
***The room was empty...of all but a big black and red spider.***
I don't understand this. It reads like the author is starting over because already established it's an
empty room other than a spider, and the rest of the paragraph supports that "starting over" feel.
***The spider witnessed.***
I don't know if having this as its own sentence is best. It's closely related to "That's right" so seems
a comma or even a colon would connect the two that the sentence fragment cannot
***spider could scoot down and pick up some of the scraps.***
Spiders don't eat people food. I'm just not sure where this going. It's clearly fantasy but I don't
think the spider has been established well enough to change their natural behavior this much
***The empty room was used quite often***
This is repetitive because readers already know this
***He rolled quickly over***
A bit awkward to read. Should consider, "He quickly rolled over"
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2012
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I didn't want to give this a 4 because overall it's written so well. But there are places that can be improved and one of them is, is this for children? It's listed as general fiction but the writing strongly suggests that (which would also help explain the heavy use of second person writing).
Another big issue I had was the part starting with:
The room was empty...of all but a big black and red spider.
Not only does this give a strong impression the author is staring over (left notes on that below) but can make a strong case the three paragraphs starting with this sentence don't pertain to the story as a whole. Remove it entirely? Up to the author, but certainly don't think 3 paragraphs are needed.
So, I liked this, I did. But some parts that didn't make much sense to me means I can't quite go with a 5. Also, below are some specific things the author might want to look at (only through the first half of the story though)
***No, it is not, as some of you might guess***
Not listing as a mistake (and have seem published authors do this), but some feel the reader distraction of writing in second person isn't worth the uniqueness of it
***very ugly black spider***
Is "very" needed? Usually not because adjectives like "ugly" do the job on its own
***I can only assume that the spider ... ***
Even in parentheses this is still a jarring shift into first person (and generally accepted to put a
space between the preceding word and the opening parentheses
***The room was empty...of all but a big black and red spider.***
I don't understand this. It reads like the author is starting over because already established it's an
empty room other than a spider, and the rest of the paragraph supports that "starting over" feel.
***The spider witnessed.***
I don't know if having this as its own sentence is best. It's closely related to "That's right" so seems
a comma or even a colon would connect the two that the sentence fragment cannot
***spider could scoot down and pick up some of the scraps.***
Spiders don't eat people food. I'm just not sure where this going. It's clearly fantasy but I don't
think the spider has been established well enough to change their natural behavior this much
***The empty room was used quite often***
This is repetitive because readers already know this
***He rolled quickly over***
A bit awkward to read. Should consider, "He quickly rolled over"
Comment Written 23-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2012
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Thank you for your review. And for the suggestions. I made a few changes. Yes, i was thinking children story as I was writing it. Kinda along the lines of Dr Suess.
Comment from Asyraf N. Jamsari
The picture is nice though. Nice idea and your writing skills are great. The characters are interesting. You would do well in the contest. Keep it up
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2012
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The picture is nice though. Nice idea and your writing skills are great. The characters are interesting. You would do well in the contest. Keep it up
Comment Written 22-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much for your review
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Elizabeth,
Let me start by telling I hate spiders! In fact so much that I think it is a phobia. But as I read this story I felt a little sorry for the red and black spider. I wondered why Mrs. Moreno didn't spray him with bug spray...but that would have been too easy and wouldn't make a good story. You wrote this story so well and it is obvious you have good writing skills and a vivid imagination that serves you well. Excellent and good luck in the contest....blessings, chey
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2012
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Hi Elizabeth,
Let me start by telling I hate spiders! In fact so much that I think it is a phobia. But as I read this story I felt a little sorry for the red and black spider. I wondered why Mrs. Moreno didn't spray him with bug spray...but that would have been too easy and wouldn't make a good story. You wrote this story so well and it is obvious you have good writing skills and a vivid imagination that serves you well. Excellent and good luck in the contest....blessings, chey
Comment Written 22-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much Chey for your review.
Comment from Anisa-
Ha ha ha ... Oh man! Poor little bugger!! All that surviving just to be eaten by a darn bird. Lol. Good job on this interesting write.
I thought this a really neat twist to the contest entry. It was fun to read.
Anisa
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2012
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Ha ha ha ... Oh man! Poor little bugger!! All that surviving just to be eaten by a darn bird. Lol. Good job on this interesting write.
I thought this a really neat twist to the contest entry. It was fun to read.
Anisa
Comment Written 22-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much Anisa for your review.
Comment from Chris Tee
This is an amazing story that we have here old sport. You kept me captivated throughout the read. Good luck in the contest that we have here ma'am.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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This is an amazing story that we have here old sport. You kept me captivated throughout the read. Good luck in the contest that we have here ma'am.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much for your review.
Comment from oNray
A clever approach to this contest. I wish you luck in the contest. Your story is well writen and well presented in a manor that will, I bet, differ from most. Very good job
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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A clever approach to this contest. I wish you luck in the contest. Your story is well writen and well presented in a manor that will, I bet, differ from most. Very good job
Comment Written 21-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much for your review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Elizabeth, I have to say it didn't take long before I was rooting fo rthe spider.. Sorry the bird ate him. He really had a pretty good life there in the empty room. Well done. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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Elizabeth, I have to say it didn't take long before I was rooting fo rthe spider.. Sorry the bird ate him. He really had a pretty good life there in the empty room. Well done. :) Nancy
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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Thank you very much for your review. I've had a couple others say they were rooting for the spider too. lol
Comment from Rob Caudle
I thought this was a very cute story and liked the differing points of view....but, it really needs some work on mechanics and sentence structure. I hope that you're not offended by my SPAG suggestions, but I think that you have a great imagination and could be a gifted writer if there was more attention paid to the details....
The empty room was a very tall room, taller than most any room you would walk into. And way up at the top of the corner farthest from the door that opened into this room, right next to the very high ceiling, was a spider web. Living on this web was a very ugly black spider with red strips down its bulbous body.
Just a couple of things--you use the word room three times in one sentence..I don't think that's necessary. You could just say--the empty room was very tall, taller than most.
corner farthest--need a comma in between these words--
very ugly spider--hideous perhaps? :) ugly is a little archaic.
--I think maybe spiders live in webs rather than on them.
Oh- instead of right next to the very high ceiling maybe you could just say, hanging from the vaulted ceiling..
--4th paragraph--you use the word spider 4 times in two sentences--maybe you could use referents like it for spider or arachnid..maybe just eliminate spider web and just say web...
5th paragraph--same thing--you use the word spider 7 times in 4 sentences..maybe consult thesaurus..the pest, the bug...:)
Now you're--comma after you're
So--not necessary--start maybe just with This went on for months
things. It was used for parties, --maybe just say, the empty room was used for many things: parties, what else?
tables and chairs or podiums or a multitude of other paraphernalia,--maybe say the men started bringing in
I thought this was a very cute story and liked the differing points of view....but, it really needs some work on mechanics and sentence structure. I hope that you're not offended by my SPAG suggestions, but I think that you have a great imagination and could be a gifted writer if there was more attention paid to the details.
tables, chairs, podiums and a multitude...
This was a good thing as the spider lived alone--thing add comma
If spiders could laugh or smile, and who knows, maybe they can, then this big black and red spider probably was doing so during those encounters with Mrs. Moreno. --NICE, VERY NICE!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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I thought this was a very cute story and liked the differing points of view....but, it really needs some work on mechanics and sentence structure. I hope that you're not offended by my SPAG suggestions, but I think that you have a great imagination and could be a gifted writer if there was more attention paid to the details....
The empty room was a very tall room, taller than most any room you would walk into. And way up at the top of the corner farthest from the door that opened into this room, right next to the very high ceiling, was a spider web. Living on this web was a very ugly black spider with red strips down its bulbous body.
Just a couple of things--you use the word room three times in one sentence..I don't think that's necessary. You could just say--the empty room was very tall, taller than most.
corner farthest--need a comma in between these words--
very ugly spider--hideous perhaps? :) ugly is a little archaic.
--I think maybe spiders live in webs rather than on them.
Oh- instead of right next to the very high ceiling maybe you could just say, hanging from the vaulted ceiling..
--4th paragraph--you use the word spider 4 times in two sentences--maybe you could use referents like it for spider or arachnid..maybe just eliminate spider web and just say web...
5th paragraph--same thing--you use the word spider 7 times in 4 sentences..maybe consult thesaurus..the pest, the bug...:)
Now you're--comma after you're
So--not necessary--start maybe just with This went on for months
things. It was used for parties, --maybe just say, the empty room was used for many things: parties, what else?
tables and chairs or podiums or a multitude of other paraphernalia,--maybe say the men started bringing in
I thought this was a very cute story and liked the differing points of view....but, it really needs some work on mechanics and sentence structure. I hope that you're not offended by my SPAG suggestions, but I think that you have a great imagination and could be a gifted writer if there was more attention paid to the details.
tables, chairs, podiums and a multitude...
This was a good thing as the spider lived alone--thing add comma
If spiders could laugh or smile, and who knows, maybe they can, then this big black and red spider probably was doing so during those encounters with Mrs. Moreno. --NICE, VERY NICE!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2012
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Not offended. I appreciate any suggestions. I have a manuscript i wrote a year ago and i have gone through it twice as has my spouse. We marked the heck out it both times. lol English classes were never my strong suit. As for the repeating words in this story, when I was writing this , i was looking at it as sort of a children's story along the lines of a Doctor Suess story. Thanks again for your review.
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thank goodness I am so glad you were not offended. I do think you have a talent to nurture. My wife and I look at every piece I post and like you I can never see what other eyes find easily.
Rob
