The End is Near
A Vietnam War story from the other side.40 total reviews
Comment from WilliamDeen
Nice work and and an enjoyable read. Like the recounting of history, particularly military history. A good read from beginning to end. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
  |
Nice work and and an enjoyable read. Like the recounting of history, particularly military history. A good read from beginning to end. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
Thanks for reading and for the kind words. Regards, Bill
Comment from Christopher.Colliers
Very well written thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of writing on this website. I look forward to reading more from you. Good job and well done.
-Christopher Lee Colliers
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
|
Very well written thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of writing on this website. I look forward to reading more from you. Good job and well done.
-Christopher Lee Colliers
Comment Written 05-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
Thanks Christopher -- first for reading and then for your kind comments. Both are appreciated. Bill
Comment from Max Edon
I thought that this was a great story. It brought back a lot of memeories as my brother was deployed to Cu Chi. This reminded me of 'All Quiet on the Western Front'. We got to see how human the enemy really is.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
|
I thought that this was a great story. It brought back a lot of memeories as my brother was deployed to Cu Chi. This reminded me of 'All Quiet on the Western Front'. We got to see how human the enemy really is.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
Thanks for reading Max. I hope you get a chance to read the other post called Fung-one. There are still some points on it, and it will make the second post make more sense. Regards, Bill
-
You are welcome
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
It's such a pleasure to read
work that is so well written...
Bill.
reestablish - re-establish
near by - nearby
Well-penned, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
|
It's such a pleasure to read
work that is so well written...
Bill.
reestablish - re-establish
near by - nearby
Well-penned, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 05-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
Thank you Margaret - I love positive feedback, but when it is from the most gifted writer on FS .... really special. Bill
Comment from Darren Crozier
bhogg,
I don't know where to start on this one,
It was so well written, the visuals needed were all there.
I truly felt like I was there!
Well done friend.
A fine piece!
Darren
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
|
bhogg,
I don't know where to start on this one,
It was so well written, the visuals needed were all there.
I truly felt like I was there!
Well done friend.
A fine piece!
Darren
Comment Written 05-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
Hi Darren - thanks for stopping by and the kind feedback. I'm still massaging the story and intend to combine with an earlier post, Fung-one. Regards, Bill
Comment from Helen Tan
The story's end is touching, if not for the war, Eddie and Tran could have been friends. There's hope portrayed well in this line.
The American had put his rifle aside and gave Tran a brief wave.
The underground tunnel was fairly small, much smaller than its cousin, Cu Chi tunnel outside of Saigon.
Smaller than Cu Chi tunnels!!!! I was in Ho Chi Minh a couple of years back and visited the Cu Chi tunnels. I can't imagine tunnels smaller than those. Must have been sheer torture living undergrounds for days on end.
Bill, I think if you try to use more of the active rather than passive voice in your writing, it will sharpen and improve it. I've picked up a few examples for you to consider -
At that moment, Tran wasn't worried about any of these things.
At that moment, none of these things worried Tran.
In 1972, a new American strategy was to discontinue leading the war in the South,
In 1972, Americans implemented a new strategy to discontinue leading the war in the South
They watched through binoculars as the ARVN troops were joined by a small group of Americans.
They watched as a small group of Americans joined the ARVN troops.
Lac, who had known Tran since they were little boys,
Suggest being more specific, instead of "little boys" maybe
Lac, who had known Tran since they were five ( state the age). This way we know how far back they go and "little boys" would be implied since they're men. I hope you get what I'm trying to say.
Bent in prayer, Tran prayed, "Dear God, let me live through this.
The mention of "prayer" followed soon after by "prayed" reads a bit awkward, consider something like -
Tran bent to pray, "Dear God...
The raid lasted less than two minutes.
It's amazing the amount of destruction that can be done within 2 minutes.
"Yes sir, I am alive, but it looks like you have a wound in your chest."
I find "I am alive" strange as Tran is next to the Colonel and speaking to him so it's obvious Tran is alive, I wonder whether he would say this. Maybe he would indicate he has some slight injuries, nothing compared to the severity of the Colonel's wounds. Thought I would just let you know.
The wound was created by a blasted out, large sliver of a wooden support beam.
The Colonel then said,
At this point, the Colonel is seriously injured and I feel by following the description of his wounds with - The Colonel then said
sounds as if the severity of the wound is brushed over. Maybe give more details to show his pain and difficulty in issuing order given his state -
The Colonel gasped and struggled to issue instructions ...
something along these lines. Again, I hope you see what I'm driving at.
They quickly set up a machine gun placement,
Line spacing required before this line for new paragraph.
It was after 12:00 in the afternoon
The mention of "after" and "afternoon" nags me when I read this line aloud. "after 12.00" implies "afternoon" so there is a repetition. Consider -
After noon/midday, a scout reported...
Just my thoughts.
If they can't convince the American's to join in,
Americans - without apostrophe as you're referring to the plural form and not indicating possessive format.
He had Tran lined up direct in his sights of
I think it should read as "sight".
Tran knew well both the accuracy and deadly nature of this weapon.
Suggest deleting "both" as it's implied in "accuracy AND deadly nature".
I hope some of these points will prove of some help.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
 |
The story's end is touching, if not for the war, Eddie and Tran could have been friends. There's hope portrayed well in this line.
The American had put his rifle aside and gave Tran a brief wave.
The underground tunnel was fairly small, much smaller than its cousin, Cu Chi tunnel outside of Saigon.
Smaller than Cu Chi tunnels!!!! I was in Ho Chi Minh a couple of years back and visited the Cu Chi tunnels. I can't imagine tunnels smaller than those. Must have been sheer torture living undergrounds for days on end.
Bill, I think if you try to use more of the active rather than passive voice in your writing, it will sharpen and improve it. I've picked up a few examples for you to consider -
At that moment, Tran wasn't worried about any of these things.
At that moment, none of these things worried Tran.
In 1972, a new American strategy was to discontinue leading the war in the South,
In 1972, Americans implemented a new strategy to discontinue leading the war in the South
They watched through binoculars as the ARVN troops were joined by a small group of Americans.
They watched as a small group of Americans joined the ARVN troops.
Lac, who had known Tran since they were little boys,
Suggest being more specific, instead of "little boys" maybe
Lac, who had known Tran since they were five ( state the age). This way we know how far back they go and "little boys" would be implied since they're men. I hope you get what I'm trying to say.
Bent in prayer, Tran prayed, "Dear God, let me live through this.
The mention of "prayer" followed soon after by "prayed" reads a bit awkward, consider something like -
Tran bent to pray, "Dear God...
The raid lasted less than two minutes.
It's amazing the amount of destruction that can be done within 2 minutes.
"Yes sir, I am alive, but it looks like you have a wound in your chest."
I find "I am alive" strange as Tran is next to the Colonel and speaking to him so it's obvious Tran is alive, I wonder whether he would say this. Maybe he would indicate he has some slight injuries, nothing compared to the severity of the Colonel's wounds. Thought I would just let you know.
The wound was created by a blasted out, large sliver of a wooden support beam.
The Colonel then said,
At this point, the Colonel is seriously injured and I feel by following the description of his wounds with - The Colonel then said
sounds as if the severity of the wound is brushed over. Maybe give more details to show his pain and difficulty in issuing order given his state -
The Colonel gasped and struggled to issue instructions ...
something along these lines. Again, I hope you see what I'm driving at.
They quickly set up a machine gun placement,
Line spacing required before this line for new paragraph.
It was after 12:00 in the afternoon
The mention of "after" and "afternoon" nags me when I read this line aloud. "after 12.00" implies "afternoon" so there is a repetition. Consider -
After noon/midday, a scout reported...
Just my thoughts.
If they can't convince the American's to join in,
Americans - without apostrophe as you're referring to the plural form and not indicating possessive format.
He had Tran lined up direct in his sights of
I think it should read as "sight".
Tran knew well both the accuracy and deadly nature of this weapon.
Suggest deleting "both" as it's implied in "accuracy AND deadly nature".
I hope some of these points will prove of some help.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
Hi Helen - thanks for taking the time to read and for your editing assistance. Both are appreciated. Bill
Comment from The Stranger
my initial thought on seeing the title was that this would be a ww2 escape saga, but I was both surprised then delighted to read a story about the Viet-Kong conflict
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
|
my initial thought on seeing the title was that this would be a ww2 escape saga, but I was both surprised then delighted to read a story about the Viet-Kong conflict
Comment Written 05-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed.
Comment from Rama Rao
That was a nice story from the other side. It had me riveted right to the last word. I liked the twist at the end, but I wonder why Eddie waved at the enemy soldier.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
|
That was a nice story from the other side. It had me riveted right to the last word. I liked the twist at the end, but I wonder why Eddie waved at the enemy soldier.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
RR - I think if you read the companion piece, Fung-one, it will make a little more sense. Thanks for reading! Regards, Bill
Comment from forestport12
Interesting story. The two sides of a coin or the two faces of a war. Your excellent writing made this work. The dialogue realistic, and the setting very real. It put me there. Stan
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
|
Interesting story. The two sides of a coin or the two faces of a war. Your excellent writing made this work. The dialogue realistic, and the setting very real. It put me there. Stan
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2011
-
Thank you Stan - I appreciate you reading and for your kind comments. Bill
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
The[y] quickly set up a machine gun placement, carefully positioning extra ammunition.
After it was silent, Colonel Kim reached over and touched both Tran and Kim[Lac]'s arms. "Are you alright?"
Tran and Kim[Lac] painfully dug upward, lugging their machine gun to the surface. Removing the last of the threshold, they were astounded. Lush jungle, trees
Miraculously, Tran and Kim[Lac] were the only two men relatively untouched.
Colonel Kim crawled up to a position directly behind Tran and
Kim[Lac].
over their small, makeshift[] revetment, they saw the ARVN troops advancing
Tran knew well[] both the accuracy and deadly nature of this weapon. He tossed the
I didn't read the previous story, but I'm glad i caught this one. I like that you wrote it from the other side.
Roberta
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
 |
The[y] quickly set up a machine gun placement, carefully positioning extra ammunition.
After it was silent, Colonel Kim reached over and touched both Tran and Kim[Lac]'s arms. "Are you alright?"
Tran and Kim[Lac] painfully dug upward, lugging their machine gun to the surface. Removing the last of the threshold, they were astounded. Lush jungle, trees
Miraculously, Tran and Kim[Lac] were the only two men relatively untouched.
Colonel Kim crawled up to a position directly behind Tran and
Kim[Lac].
over their small, makeshift[] revetment, they saw the ARVN troops advancing
Tran knew well[] both the accuracy and deadly nature of this weapon. He tossed the
I didn't read the previous story, but I'm glad i caught this one. I like that you wrote it from the other side.
Roberta
Comment Written 04-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2011
-
Roberta - thanks for the wonderful review and for the spots. Both are appreciated. I hope you get a chance to read the other side! Regards, Bill
