Love and Phoenix Tears
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Starting with a Bang"A Harry Potter fanfiction!
12 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written. SPAG free, as near as I could tell.
Stay in the same dormitories... as in co-ed cohabitating? Hmmm.
And that is supposed to what, exactly?
Best wishes.
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Well written. SPAG free, as near as I could tell.
Stay in the same dormitories... as in co-ed cohabitating? Hmmm.
And that is supposed to what, exactly?
Best wishes.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2024
Comment from lancellot
This another well written chapter. I see the cat was fixed on this chapter. I'm guessing your introducing all the characters that will be involved in the meat of the story, once it gets started.
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This another well written chapter. I see the cat was fixed on this chapter. I'm guessing your introducing all the characters that will be involved in the meat of the story, once it gets started.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2024
Comment from Ric Myworld
I have to wonder if maybe you've spent time in England as well as living in New York and now in Tennessee. You've even thrown in a bit about a biscuits, and made me wonder what types of spreads they'll have to enhance their snacks. Thanks for sharing.
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I have to wonder if maybe you've spent time in England as well as living in New York and now in Tennessee. You've even thrown in a bit about a biscuits, and made me wonder what types of spreads they'll have to enhance their snacks. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2024
Comment from John Ciarmello
This reads perfectly, and I'm intrigued by the presentation and writing style.
I haven't read Harry Potter, but I have only seen the movies, and you are spot on with all the whimsy and wonder.
I had to cringe at the pumpkin juice. Yikes. Best, JohnC
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This reads perfectly, and I'm intrigued by the presentation and writing style.
I haven't read Harry Potter, but I have only seen the movies, and you are spot on with all the whimsy and wonder.
I had to cringe at the pumpkin juice. Yikes. Best, JohnC
Comment Written 27-Jan-2024
Comment from BethShelby
You are very talented to create such imaginative fantasy fiction. It is usually something I tend to read but this story hooked me. I will try to read more when you post your next chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2020
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You are very talented to create such imaginative fantasy fiction. It is usually something I tend to read but this story hooked me. I will try to read more when you post your next chapter.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2020
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I also have about 17 chapters up now (a lot of them are fairly short), and would love to hear more of your feedback if you find the time! Thanks again!
Comment from giraffmang
Be careful with the adverb usage. They should be used sparingly and they were a bit noticeable, especially early on. If not careful they ban expose a weakness in the choice of verb.
floated across the room. She was just about to touch the doorknob when there was another loud crack. She jumped, stumbling backwards a step - the descriptions feel a little off. floated is used earlier and then stumbling backwards. the image created in the first line sort of sits at odds with the stumbling backward in the latter description.
this time turning it quickly and pulling it open
CRACK.- you may need some sort of punctuation after open.
This really should be classified as fan fiction. There is a category for that on the posting page.
She began, pulling her biscuit apart, wondering what could possibly be worse for Lily than McGonagall being in agreement with Potter.- as this is Potter fan fiction, I would pause at the use of biscuit here. Biscuit in the UK is a very different thing from the US and would not be eaten in this manner.
I can't attest to how accurate this is in terms of relationships/style/tone as I couldn't get past the first Potter book. Seems good fun though.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2020
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Be careful with the adverb usage. They should be used sparingly and they were a bit noticeable, especially early on. If not careful they ban expose a weakness in the choice of verb.
floated across the room. She was just about to touch the doorknob when there was another loud crack. She jumped, stumbling backwards a step - the descriptions feel a little off. floated is used earlier and then stumbling backwards. the image created in the first line sort of sits at odds with the stumbling backward in the latter description.
this time turning it quickly and pulling it open
CRACK.- you may need some sort of punctuation after open.
This really should be classified as fan fiction. There is a category for that on the posting page.
She began, pulling her biscuit apart, wondering what could possibly be worse for Lily than McGonagall being in agreement with Potter.- as this is Potter fan fiction, I would pause at the use of biscuit here. Biscuit in the UK is a very different thing from the US and would not be eaten in this manner.
I can't attest to how accurate this is in terms of relationships/style/tone as I couldn't get past the first Potter book. Seems good fun though.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2020
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Hi - thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback! It's the kind I definitely appreciate. I'm going to go through it now with your comments in mind and make some changes. Thanks again! (also, I thought I had it in a fanfiction category - I'll go check on that as well!)
It is good fun to read/write about HP, especially during such a stressful time as now!
Best,
Alexandra
Comment from susand3022
Dammit Girl! Now I'm going to be stuck reading Harry Potter all day! LOL I had other things to do today! Hahahaha! Oh, Alex... see what you've gone and done? Didn't you see what I had to go through last night??? LOL
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
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Dammit Girl! Now I'm going to be stuck reading Harry Potter all day! LOL I had other things to do today! Hahahaha! Oh, Alex... see what you've gone and done? Didn't you see what I had to go through last night??? LOL
Comment Written 08-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
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Hahahaha, Harry Potter is good for the soul! Especially during a global pandemic... a little magic can help!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Strong and well written chapter. You brought us right into the story with a strong introductory opening. The dialogue is well written and really helps the story flow. And more importantly the dialogue really brings the characters to life. Great job.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
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Strong and well written chapter. You brought us right into the story with a strong introductory opening. The dialogue is well written and really helps the story flow. And more importantly the dialogue really brings the characters to life. Great job.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
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Thank you so much for your kind words, and the 6 star review! I appreciate the compliment about the dialogue, as it's always important to me that dialogue feels natural. Thanks again!!
Comment from RShipp
"Sirius was quite a well-formed individual, and she didn't like that distraction while she was attempting to yell at him." It's hard to stay mad at beautiful people?
"Indeed, James hardly even considered this a prank. ... It was more a decoration for their homecoming." A great line!
Enjoyed!
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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"Sirius was quite a well-formed individual, and she didn't like that distraction while she was attempting to yell at him." It's hard to stay mad at beautiful people?
"Indeed, James hardly even considered this a prank. ... It was more a decoration for their homecoming." A great line!
Enjoyed!
Comment Written 07-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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Thank you for reading, and the comment! Haha, sometimes it's hard to stay mad at beautiful people, especially when they're charming, too, as I imagine Sirius to be! Hope you're staying healthy and doing well
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I like this innocent swearing phrase :"BLACK! Where is that big-headed prat, and why don't you put on a shirt, for Merlin's sake?" How why is this dislike between Potter and Lily, I have to read the previous chapters to find out... Or you can add some notes for the lazy:)
Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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I like this innocent swearing phrase :"BLACK! Where is that big-headed prat, and why don't you put on a shirt, for Merlin's sake?" How why is this dislike between Potter and Lily, I have to read the previous chapters to find out... Or you can add some notes for the lazy:)
Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2020
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Hahaha, thank you for your comment! This is a fanfiction based off of Harry Potter, and I kind of start after Lily already dislikes James (for now!) But if you ever want to read more of the story, you'll get a lot of the backstory! Thanks again for taking the time to read and review!
