Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Part three, Chapter 12"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
68 total reviews
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
Looks like that problem is cleared up. Bobby and his mama are in worse trouble than ever. Of course, Anna has to worry about whether she'll ever lead a normal life.
I thoroughly enjoyed this read and have one suggestion:
"My research indicated she inherited it and more about five years ago from her aunt." I found this sentence a bit hard to follow. I'd write, ""My research indicated she inherited it from her aunt a few years ago."
Dave
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Barbara,
Looks like that problem is cleared up. Bobby and his mama are in worse trouble than ever. Of course, Anna has to worry about whether she'll ever lead a normal life.
I thoroughly enjoyed this read and have one suggestion:
"My research indicated she inherited it and more about five years ago from her aunt." I found this sentence a bit hard to follow. I'd write, ""My research indicated she inherited it from her aunt a few years ago."
Dave
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and I will make that correction.
Comment from Rama Rao
Excellent. I can assure you this is not too long. As usual, it's well written and it held my interest right until the last word. However, I compared your writing with the novels in my library and found one marked difference. Your chapters have too many single line sentences. I found in other books the dialogue coming between short paras of narrative or action. I know in a court scene there can't be much action, but this single line sentences may mar the looks of your book. I suggest- mark my word suggest, you increase the length to small paras either by combining the dialogue or introducing some dialogue beats.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Excellent. I can assure you this is not too long. As usual, it's well written and it held my interest right until the last word. However, I compared your writing with the novels in my library and found one marked difference. Your chapters have too many single line sentences. I found in other books the dialogue coming between short paras of narrative or action. I know in a court scene there can't be much action, but this single line sentences may mar the looks of your book. I suggest- mark my word suggest, you increase the length to small paras either by combining the dialogue or introducing some dialogue beats.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Gungalo
This has turned into a very nasty divorce case. Attempted child kidnapping added to the charges against the other side. Oh he may not have done it himself but he knew about it, along with his mother!!!!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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This has turned into a very nasty divorce case. Attempted child kidnapping added to the charges against the other side. Oh he may not have done it himself but he knew about it, along with his mother!!!!
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
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Smiles!!!
Comment from ulster3
Hello, barbara.
Is hepatitis B the same thing as what's called yellow jaundice? This was a great court scene, very suspensful. Mr. Rogers doesn't seem quite as bad as his wife. However, he can't be ignorant of the mean that pours from her. This was a great read, and thanks for posting.
Warmly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Hello, barbara.
Is hepatitis B the same thing as what's called yellow jaundice? This was a great court scene, very suspensful. Mr. Rogers doesn't seem quite as bad as his wife. However, he can't be ignorant of the mean that pours from her. This was a great read, and thanks for posting.
Warmly, Rebecca
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Nope yellow jaundice is something different.
Comment from Janie King
It really boggles one's mind how a parent of such an abusive person would do the things they do but then they were probably the abusive person and transferred the evilness to her son. God chapter..very sad that it really occurs in life. God bless.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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It really boggles one's mind how a parent of such an abusive person would do the things they do but then they were probably the abusive person and transferred the evilness to her son. God chapter..very sad that it really occurs in life. God bless.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara. What a relief you've given us in this chapter. No, I don't think you've rushed. I even rush reading the first time, to know the result...:)
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Hi, Barbara. What a relief you've given us in this chapter. No, I don't think you've rushed. I even rush reading the first time, to know the result...:)
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from WilliamDeen
Nice work, Barbara. Good flow and dialogue. A very enjoyable read that moved at a good pace and moved the story forward. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Nice work, Barbara. Good flow and dialogue. A very enjoyable read that moved at a good pace and moved the story forward. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from brighterside
I CAN SEE YOU PUT ALOT OF THOUGHT IN YOUR WRITING YOUR STORY IS VERY INTRESTING AND WOULD REALLY LIKE TO READ MORE,ALOT OF WOMEN WILL LOVE THIS I THINK MORE SO THAN MEN BUT FAB WRITING IM ONLY NEW TO THIS AND FIND GREAT HELP READING WRITERS REVIEWS LIKE YOURSELF GREAT READ
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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I CAN SEE YOU PUT ALOT OF THOUGHT IN YOUR WRITING YOUR STORY IS VERY INTRESTING AND WOULD REALLY LIKE TO READ MORE,ALOT OF WOMEN WILL LOVE THIS I THINK MORE SO THAN MEN BUT FAB WRITING IM ONLY NEW TO THIS AND FIND GREAT HELP READING WRITERS REVIEWS LIKE YOURSELF GREAT READ
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from mumsyone
A good continuing chapter, Barbara. I look forward to seeing a new chapter each weekend.
The three of them watch (watched) Everett walk away.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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A good continuing chapter, Barbara. I look forward to seeing a new chapter each weekend.
The three of them watch (watched) Everett walk away.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the catch. I appreciate your eagle eye.
Comment from kiwisteveh
I know I've chided you in the past for the slow pace, but you have the story racing along now, possibly a little too much. One part of this doesn't feel right to me - I have re-read a couple of times, but I can't really put my finger on it - it's the section where Sam and Peggy are arguing in the court - it seems very formal to use their full names including title (Mr, Mrs) - this goes for the attorney too - we have already met these characters after all... I guess I would like simpler references e.g. he glared at his wife, she slugged her attorney...
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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I know I've chided you in the past for the slow pace, but you have the story racing along now, possibly a little too much. One part of this doesn't feel right to me - I have re-read a couple of times, but I can't really put my finger on it - it's the section where Sam and Peggy are arguing in the court - it seems very formal to use their full names including title (Mr, Mrs) - this goes for the attorney too - we have already met these characters after all... I guess I would like simpler references e.g. he glared at his wife, she slugged her attorney...
Comment Written 05-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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I was chided by an attorny for NOT using their full names because Anna is Mrs. Rodgers too. This attorney told me in a case he had they had to use their full names to make keep the identies accurate. I figured an attorney with court experience knew more about it than I did. I will recheck that area though.
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I can see that an attorney IN the case would need to be that specific, but as an author, all you need to worry about is whether the meaning is clear to the reader...
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very true, this attorney who reviews me feels I need to keep it authentic. I am trying to keep it as authentic as possible. I did change a few things when the attorneys aren't speaking.
