The dragon Mareng
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A dragon and a fly"Mareng growing up and all kinds
33 total reviews
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Oh, how adorable! As I'm reading, I'm thinking, where is she going with this? Burning flies? And then the last line. Very nice, Ine. Great imagination and description. So original.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Oh, how adorable! As I'm reading, I'm thinking, where is she going with this? Burning flies? And then the last line. Very nice, Ine. Great imagination and description. So original.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review. Take care and have a nice evening/day, Ine.
Comment from WilliamDeen
his parent's // his parents'
LOL.. I get it... this is how DRAGONFLIES were made! Adorable! Your story is written very well and your characters are superb!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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his parent's // his parents'
LOL.. I get it... this is how DRAGONFLIES were made! Adorable! Your story is written very well and your characters are superb!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review. Take care and have a nice evening/day, Ine.
Comment from adewpearl
Just the color chased most attackers away, if not - change the comma to a period or semicolon
What is this, Mummy? - add comma for direct address
This is a mirror, dearest Mareng. - add comma
even more colorful than is parent's flames - parents' - plural possessive
Where are friends, Mum - add comma
too nice to try and experiment with - try TO experiment
What a fanciful story of this dragon and his training and how his experiments resulted in dragonflies :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Just the color chased most attackers away, if not - change the comma to a period or semicolon
What is this, Mummy? - add comma for direct address
This is a mirror, dearest Mareng. - add comma
even more colorful than is parent's flames - parents' - plural possessive
Where are friends, Mum - add comma
too nice to try and experiment with - try TO experiment
What a fanciful story of this dragon and his training and how his experiments resulted in dragonflies :-) Brooke
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review. Take care and have a nice evening/day, Ine. Will change asap, thanks for the corrections Brooke.
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Thanks for your kind review. Take care and have a nice evening/day, Ine.
Comment from TammyGail
What a great story I read this to Evan he loved it.. Children are the best at judging sometimes.. They will always be honest.. Lol great imagery as well thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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What a great story I read this to Evan he loved it.. Children are the best at judging sometimes.. They will always be honest.. Lol great imagery as well thanks for sharing
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review my friend. Take care, Ine
Comment from FairyWriter
This was a very sweet story and I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was very enjoyable that you incorporated sounds and pronunciation to make different color flames, that's a very cute idea.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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This was a very sweet story and I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was very enjoyable that you incorporated sounds and pronunciation to make different color flames, that's a very cute idea.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review my friend. Take care, Ine
Comment from peggles
Such a clever enticing story story
I should thing it's would really nice for the children to have as a bedtime story
It was a pleasure to read
I like this story very much.
I could see this as a wonderful children picture book about fantasia insects
this was a pleasure to read and review
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Such a clever enticing story story
I should thing it's would really nice for the children to have as a bedtime story
It was a pleasure to read
I like this story very much.
I could see this as a wonderful children picture book about fantasia insects
this was a pleasure to read and review
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review my friend. Take care, Ine
Comment from fionageorge
Hi, Ine.
As I said, this is delightful. The revisions has improved it, and I have upgraded accordingly.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Hi, Ine, what a delightful children's story. I could visualise the delightful little dragon, throwing his colourful flames, and inventing the Dragonflies.
I have made some suggestions below, for you to take or leave, as you please.
I hope these are of assistance:
even more colourful than his parent's ones {Instead of 'ones', use 'flames', it is more descriptive.
but they were no fun and to[too] small to play with. He also was scared [He was also scared] he might
So Mareng decided to fly even closer to the earth [ground].
Then he saw two kind[s] of animals
and sometimes burnt[burned] as in an oven. This definitely was fun Mareng decided. [Mareng decided this definitely was fun]
Colours some red, some blue, some orange, some purple and yellow as well. (This sentence is incomplete, and doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps:
He produced flames of many colours, some red, some blue, some orange, some purple, and yellow as well.)
Time went on and it was evening now. As it was cooler, Mareng got so wild and there were even more flies to play with and kill.
(Grammatically needs some adjusting: eg:
Time flew by, and soon, evening set in. The air cooled, and Mareng went wild. More and more flies appeared for him to play with and to kill.)
This is how the little dragon Mareng invented(remove space) : DRAGONFLIES. And when it was too dark to continue, he went back home and made a firm resolution to go and play this game every evening.
Ine, it was a fantastic little story, and one I imagine will set children's' imaginations run riot. Well done.
Let me know when you have edited, and I will re-review and upgrade your rating.
Warmest regards, my friend, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Hi, Ine.
As I said, this is delightful. The revisions has improved it, and I have upgraded accordingly.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Hi, Ine, what a delightful children's story. I could visualise the delightful little dragon, throwing his colourful flames, and inventing the Dragonflies.
I have made some suggestions below, for you to take or leave, as you please.
I hope these are of assistance:
even more colourful than his parent's ones {Instead of 'ones', use 'flames', it is more descriptive.
but they were no fun and to[too] small to play with. He also was scared [He was also scared] he might
So Mareng decided to fly even closer to the earth [ground].
Then he saw two kind[s] of animals
and sometimes burnt[burned] as in an oven. This definitely was fun Mareng decided. [Mareng decided this definitely was fun]
Colours some red, some blue, some orange, some purple and yellow as well. (This sentence is incomplete, and doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps:
He produced flames of many colours, some red, some blue, some orange, some purple, and yellow as well.)
Time went on and it was evening now. As it was cooler, Mareng got so wild and there were even more flies to play with and kill.
(Grammatically needs some adjusting: eg:
Time flew by, and soon, evening set in. The air cooled, and Mareng went wild. More and more flies appeared for him to play with and to kill.)
This is how the little dragon Mareng invented(remove space) : DRAGONFLIES. And when it was too dark to continue, he went back home and made a firm resolution to go and play this game every evening.
Ine, it was a fantastic little story, and one I imagine will set children's' imaginations run riot. Well done.
Let me know when you have edited, and I will re-review and upgrade your rating.
Warmest regards, my friend, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review my friend. Take care, Ine
Comment from Jean Lutz
You certainly have the gift of story telling. I provide care for small children and I love how word formation comes from this. You gave me some new ideas.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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You certainly have the gift of story telling. I provide care for small children and I love how word formation comes from this. You gave me some new ideas.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review my friend. Take care, Ine
Comment from Dutchie
Hi Ine. So clever written this story. I love fantasy stories and it's really nice for the children to read .In a way it is educational too. Clever to bring this two things together in your story. It was a pleasure to read, I loved it. Liefs Fia.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Hi Ine. So clever written this story. I love fantasy stories and it's really nice for the children to read .In a way it is educational too. Clever to bring this two things together in your story. It was a pleasure to read, I loved it. Liefs Fia.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks for your kind review my friend. Take care, Ine
Liefs Ine
Comment from linsbm
Children would certainly enjoy reading story like this, subject about insects, i.e, dragons, flies. More so, it the story involves game and plays with other insects. Activities are there, learning how to, etc. Colours are also good to hook their eyes. Words and vocabulary are simple and plain language for obvious reason, that is meant for children. Dialogues are believable. I've noticed though, some typo I believe, better to have a second look before submitting. Otherwise this story presented a clear narrative.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
 |
Children would certainly enjoy reading story like this, subject about insects, i.e, dragons, flies. More so, it the story involves game and plays with other insects. Activities are there, learning how to, etc. Colours are also good to hook their eyes. Words and vocabulary are simple and plain language for obvious reason, that is meant for children. Dialogues are believable. I've noticed though, some typo I believe, better to have a second look before submitting. Otherwise this story presented a clear narrative.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2011
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Thanks, could you clarify typo's- did not think there were any.
