Haggarty
Experiments of evil33 total reviews
Comment from anderaj
This is definitely creepy. And that picture! That's gruesome. Unfortunately, you rely on the picture -- you didn't even try to describe Haggarty. You may want to consider doing that.
Here are my comments:
1. "Then, she remembered." -- No comma necessary.
2. ""You just stay in there, you little SHIT!" She smiled to herself." -- I love this part. Adding that to the drunkenness, it plays very well.
3. "He was a dreamer and no one believed him anyway." -- There should be a comma after "dreamer."
4. "And as she dozed off, the thing called Haggarty, peered around the door of the closet, her black eyes glinting with envy and hatred." -- There shouldn't be a comma between "Haggarty" and "peered."
5. "There was his best friend, greeting him with it's slobbering tongue lolling sideways and huge paws scraping the side of the car. The man was unaffected. It was his best creation yet." -- Not sure what kind of creature you're referring to here. Needs description.
6. "The creature sat, so perfectly still, so unmoving as to be a simple statue ... watching with unfathomable eyes." -- I don't think the ellipse is necessary. I recommend using a comma.
7. "THERE you are, dear! Whew! I thought you were lost." -- You jump right into him being there. You might want to mention something, like maybe he walked through the back door just as she walked in. Not those words of course, but something similar.
8. "Mr. Oppenheimer clicked his fingers and Haggarty inched forward, all the while, glancing side to side, as if searching for something." -- No comma needed after "all the while."
9. "Shelia whined and twirled her hair, she really was tired of playing second fiddle to the things." -- These should be two separate sentences.
10. "She was pouring another glass of wine, when her husband's screams ripped her world apart." -- no comma needed.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2011
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This is definitely creepy. And that picture! That's gruesome. Unfortunately, you rely on the picture -- you didn't even try to describe Haggarty. You may want to consider doing that.
Here are my comments:
1. "Then, she remembered." -- No comma necessary.
2. ""You just stay in there, you little SHIT!" She smiled to herself." -- I love this part. Adding that to the drunkenness, it plays very well.
3. "He was a dreamer and no one believed him anyway." -- There should be a comma after "dreamer."
4. "And as she dozed off, the thing called Haggarty, peered around the door of the closet, her black eyes glinting with envy and hatred." -- There shouldn't be a comma between "Haggarty" and "peered."
5. "There was his best friend, greeting him with it's slobbering tongue lolling sideways and huge paws scraping the side of the car. The man was unaffected. It was his best creation yet." -- Not sure what kind of creature you're referring to here. Needs description.
6. "The creature sat, so perfectly still, so unmoving as to be a simple statue ... watching with unfathomable eyes." -- I don't think the ellipse is necessary. I recommend using a comma.
7. "THERE you are, dear! Whew! I thought you were lost." -- You jump right into him being there. You might want to mention something, like maybe he walked through the back door just as she walked in. Not those words of course, but something similar.
8. "Mr. Oppenheimer clicked his fingers and Haggarty inched forward, all the while, glancing side to side, as if searching for something." -- No comma needed after "all the while."
9. "Shelia whined and twirled her hair, she really was tired of playing second fiddle to the things." -- These should be two separate sentences.
10. "She was pouring another glass of wine, when her husband's screams ripped her world apart." -- no comma needed.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2011
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Hi there! I am very grateful for this helpful review! And am going to make the changes now. I agree with all you have said here and wish I could review this well! Many many thanks! Susan
Comment from Christopher.Colliers
Very well written thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of writing on this website. I look forward to reading more from you. Good job and well done.
-Christopher Lee Colliers
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2011
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Very well written thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of writing on this website. I look forward to reading more from you. Good job and well done.
-Christopher Lee Colliers
Comment Written 04-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2011
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Wow, Christopher! What a really nice review. I will check your work out as well! It's great to hear you liked this! I had a ball getting grossed out over the odd picture! ")) Susan
Comment from Bellringer
Susan, Well written, original horror tale. Haggerty, at first, did not appear to be harmful. But, "she" was apparently intelligent and sensed her master's intentions. I was wondering what role if any the other creature (a male) plays or could have played in this tale. Best wishes in the contest. Blessings, Hector
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2011
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Susan, Well written, original horror tale. Haggerty, at first, did not appear to be harmful. But, "she" was apparently intelligent and sensed her master's intentions. I was wondering what role if any the other creature (a male) plays or could have played in this tale. Best wishes in the contest. Blessings, Hector
Comment Written 03-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2011
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Hi Hector! I thank you so much. I had a blast with this one...that picture is the weirdest I think I've ever seen! I maybe should have elaborated some more...? Good point! Interesting. Thank you again Hector!! Susan
Comment from Minglement
Oh, my goodness, you really surprised me with this one. What an amazing creature in the artwork and well described. Creepy, creepy! I guess she's out of luck, LOL! Great command of language to tell your story. Good luck in the horror story contest, this is a great entry.
I only noticed one 'nit' (maybe more) You spell Hagg(a)rty with and 'a' in the title and an 'e' other places.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2011
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Oh, my goodness, you really surprised me with this one. What an amazing creature in the artwork and well described. Creepy, creepy! I guess she's out of luck, LOL! Great command of language to tell your story. Good luck in the horror story contest, this is a great entry.
I only noticed one 'nit' (maybe more) You spell Hagg(a)rty with and 'a' in the title and an 'e' other places.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2011
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Hey there! YES, thank you! A glaring mistake! It would have been easier to just change the title! LOL! Thank you Marcia...if possible I will nominate you. SHARP eyes! ")) xoxo, susan
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Most welcome, my friend! I don't have a reputation for sharp eyes, LOL - just the opposite, so it must have been glaring. Great, spooky piece. Good luck, again. Marcia :)
Comment from BethShelby
That is the scariest picture I think I've ever seen and you story is does it justice. I can't imagine how that was created. It looks so real. You story is very good and entertaining in a eerie way. I think would would take a whole lot of imbibing to get used to that thing.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2011
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That is the scariest picture I think I've ever seen and you story is does it justice. I can't imagine how that was created. It looks so real. You story is very good and entertaining in a eerie way. I think would would take a whole lot of imbibing to get used to that thing.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2011
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HI Beth! HUGS for this kind and fun review! I know, but eccentric people are like that?? I guess. I should have gone on to describe the munching...lol! No, I like leaving SOME to imagination?? Thanks again Beth!! Susan
Comment from Daylok
This is very cool writing!! I love the last paragraph! Great Ending!! The story moved well and kept my interest!! The picture is very disturbing and sets off the story!! Good luck!! ~Daylok
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2011
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This is very cool writing!! I love the last paragraph! Great Ending!! The story moved well and kept my interest!! The picture is very disturbing and sets off the story!! Good luck!! ~Daylok
Comment Written 03-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2011
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Hi Day! I had fun with this one...I wanted a creature and boy! did I find one...geez, Louise. SOMEONE is great at photoshopping! LOL! HUGS for being here...and apologies for not keeping up with your work, Day, I have not been feeling so hot...your friend, susan
Comment from MelissaBickel
*Gulp* I'm going to have nightmares of gnawing lady rodents with swing teats trying to eat me tonight. What a fantastic imagination you have. Scary and a well deserved dinner I think. Poor Haggarty
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2011
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*Gulp* I'm going to have nightmares of gnawing lady rodents with swing teats trying to eat me tonight. What a fantastic imagination you have. Scary and a well deserved dinner I think. Poor Haggarty
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2011
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Hi Melissa! THIS is my favorite that I've tried lately...lol! Maybe because it's almost Halloween. Thank you very much for reading it...I love that you mentioned the 'teats'...I could not resist...LORD that picture. xoxo...susan
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I'm not sure 'enjoy' is the right word Susan. LOL. You sure wrote a scary story. I'm already looking behind me and jumping at every sound! That picture looks so real! Giddy
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2011
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I'm not sure 'enjoy' is the right word Susan. LOL. You sure wrote a scary story. I'm already looking behind me and jumping at every sound! That picture looks so real! Giddy
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2011
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OH awesome! I'm so happy to 'scare' you Miss Giddy! I know, this pix is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. Great photoshop job, I HOPE! LOL! ")) Many thanks for this most encouraging review...Wow! HUG! Susan
Comment from sasil
Oooo..icky! This should be a good contender in the contest, Suze--awesome pic for inspiration! Nice omniscient POV and sparse dialog, as this story better seen through the viewers eyes. Nothing more visceral than fear of being eaten alive...good concept and execution (pardon the pun).
S.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2011
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Oooo..icky! This should be a good contender in the contest, Suze--awesome pic for inspiration! Nice omniscient POV and sparse dialog, as this story better seen through the viewers eyes. Nothing more visceral than fear of being eaten alive...good concept and execution (pardon the pun).
S.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2011
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LOL! I love scaring you Sassie. ") Or just grossing you out! SMILE! I am always honored when you like my work...WOW and a hug is going your way..love, susan
Comment from Dave M
Susan,
This is an excellent horror story about human rats and such. The picture you used was perfect. I enjoyed this read of "beware, your sins will find you out" and have a couple of suggestions:
"...his demeanor completely hidden and unobservable by any {happening} passerby." I don't think you need the word "happening."
"There was his best friend, greeting him with it's [its] slobbering tongue..."
Dave
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2011
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Susan,
This is an excellent horror story about human rats and such. The picture you used was perfect. I enjoyed this read of "beware, your sins will find you out" and have a couple of suggestions:
"...his demeanor completely hidden and unobservable by any {happening} passerby." I don't think you need the word "happening."
"There was his best friend, greeting him with it's [its] slobbering tongue..."
Dave
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2011
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Hi Dave! Thank you very much! I fixed the 'its' and I will have to read it again to find the other suggestion....need sleep? Whew. I am very pleased you liked this! Sincerely, Susan
