Paranormal Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Where I Go, Will You Follow?"Case Studies of Hauntings
64 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
down to a man they guessed (done to the man?)
You haven't posted for a while. I hope everything is okay. A good chapter, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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down to a man they guessed (done to the man?)
You haven't posted for a while. I hope everything is okay. A good chapter, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 18-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Hi, Debbie. I'm well, thank you. Lots of family dynamics going on these last few months.
Thanks so much for taking time to read and review so kindly.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from rama devi
Hi, my dear friend. Nice to see you posting again. I missed reading you. (by the way: Thought I'd be hearing from you sometime during the past two months with more chapters?)
Anyway, this has potential but needs some reworking and tweaking, IMHO. (NOTES BELOW)
In general, it has a good sense of plot, characterization, POV (in places) and flow. Excellent descriptive detail and similes. Bravo.
The issues relate to these main aspects:
1) telling not showing
2) spag
3) overuse of speech tags
4) formatting
NOTES
The first four paragraphs have a lot of expository 'telling' and summing up information from backstory. This weakens the chapter significantly. I recommend devising a way to deliver the information organically, within the context of a scene.
Great original simile (note spags):
*
Her life,(no ,) to that point,(no ,) was (had been) insular and sheltered(,) like the hot-house orchids pressed into superiority by her determined mother.
The commas around to that point are okay but optional. I recommend removing for pacing purposes. With edits:
Her life to that point had been insular and sheltered, like the hot-house orchids pressed into superiority by her determined mother.
*From their first dance at her parents' annual Mardi Gras celebration until their wedding seven months later, Catherine's future was(HAD BEEN) wrenched from her control by a father determined to arrange a suitable marriage.
*
Phillipe smoothed the lines of worry on her face and tried to counteract her fears. "Margarethe will be back in the morning, Mon Ange. I am sure of it." (NEW PARAGRAPH HERE)They made love, then, with a wildness borne out of fear and desperation, and Catherine slept with her hands cradling their unborn child.
* His face was(had been) battered beyond recognition, and only a coroner's examination would be able to establish the exact number of stab wounds.
*
"Remember me telling you that I'm a Reiki Master?" Mia said(asked).
*trim speech tag here: "Whoever you are, may Christ enfold you in his loving arms," she offered. (NEW PARAGRAPH HERE)A far-off sigh was the only response.
* She turned her attention to Emma(,) who'd fallen asleep under the influence of the comforting warmth suffusing her body. At the light touch on her skin, Emma's eyes opened. She thrust her leg forward and bent her foot at different angles. "Whoa girl," Mia warned. "Let your foot rest in my hands as you slowly and carefully rotate your ankle."
*
Turning to Mia, she said, "Tell them about your encounter."
She turned to Mia. "Tell them about your encounter."
*rather than using so many unusual speech tags, i recommend using action tags that show rather than tell the qualifying emotions. Example:
"Good idea," Mike concurred.
"Good idea." Mike nodded.
and here:
Nodding, Mia added, "It's as if this stuff materialized out of space.
Mia nodded. "It's as if this stuff materialized out of space.
*
Mia was stunned by the presence of the desk and chair.
replace WAS with a stronger verb. Maybe try FELT.
*He retrieved a device from his backpack and lit it up while stepping forward,(.) "I'm going to take a look at the desktop through the IR camera."
Good descriptive here: When he finally lifted his head, he looked like a man holding a million-dollar lottery ticket.
"Wait 'til you see this!" - move this dialog up to the previous paragraph with the lottery ticket, which serves as an action tag.
The first section is the weak spot in this chapter. It jumps around a bit and has so much telling. I strongly recommend revising it and perhaps cutting into tow sections...the first being about Catherine's story and the second being the investigator's perspective. I recommend expanding and fleshing out the dialog and scene depiction in that part, too.
This has great potential...and I love the paranormal overtones and build up of tension. Good dialog as well.
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Hi, my dear friend. Nice to see you posting again. I missed reading you. (by the way: Thought I'd be hearing from you sometime during the past two months with more chapters?)
Anyway, this has potential but needs some reworking and tweaking, IMHO. (NOTES BELOW)
In general, it has a good sense of plot, characterization, POV (in places) and flow. Excellent descriptive detail and similes. Bravo.
The issues relate to these main aspects:
1) telling not showing
2) spag
3) overuse of speech tags
4) formatting
NOTES
The first four paragraphs have a lot of expository 'telling' and summing up information from backstory. This weakens the chapter significantly. I recommend devising a way to deliver the information organically, within the context of a scene.
Great original simile (note spags):
*
Her life,(no ,) to that point,(no ,) was (had been) insular and sheltered(,) like the hot-house orchids pressed into superiority by her determined mother.
The commas around to that point are okay but optional. I recommend removing for pacing purposes. With edits:
Her life to that point had been insular and sheltered, like the hot-house orchids pressed into superiority by her determined mother.
*From their first dance at her parents' annual Mardi Gras celebration until their wedding seven months later, Catherine's future was(HAD BEEN) wrenched from her control by a father determined to arrange a suitable marriage.
*
Phillipe smoothed the lines of worry on her face and tried to counteract her fears. "Margarethe will be back in the morning, Mon Ange. I am sure of it." (NEW PARAGRAPH HERE)They made love, then, with a wildness borne out of fear and desperation, and Catherine slept with her hands cradling their unborn child.
* His face was(had been) battered beyond recognition, and only a coroner's examination would be able to establish the exact number of stab wounds.
*
"Remember me telling you that I'm a Reiki Master?" Mia said(asked).
*trim speech tag here: "Whoever you are, may Christ enfold you in his loving arms," she offered. (NEW PARAGRAPH HERE)A far-off sigh was the only response.
* She turned her attention to Emma(,) who'd fallen asleep under the influence of the comforting warmth suffusing her body. At the light touch on her skin, Emma's eyes opened. She thrust her leg forward and bent her foot at different angles. "Whoa girl," Mia warned. "Let your foot rest in my hands as you slowly and carefully rotate your ankle."
*
Turning to Mia, she said, "Tell them about your encounter."
She turned to Mia. "Tell them about your encounter."
*rather than using so many unusual speech tags, i recommend using action tags that show rather than tell the qualifying emotions. Example:
"Good idea," Mike concurred.
"Good idea." Mike nodded.
and here:
Nodding, Mia added, "It's as if this stuff materialized out of space.
Mia nodded. "It's as if this stuff materialized out of space.
*
Mia was stunned by the presence of the desk and chair.
replace WAS with a stronger verb. Maybe try FELT.
*He retrieved a device from his backpack and lit it up while stepping forward,(.) "I'm going to take a look at the desktop through the IR camera."
Good descriptive here: When he finally lifted his head, he looked like a man holding a million-dollar lottery ticket.
"Wait 'til you see this!" - move this dialog up to the previous paragraph with the lottery ticket, which serves as an action tag.
The first section is the weak spot in this chapter. It jumps around a bit and has so much telling. I strongly recommend revising it and perhaps cutting into tow sections...the first being about Catherine's story and the second being the investigator's perspective. I recommend expanding and fleshing out the dialog and scene depiction in that part, too.
This has great potential...and I love the paranormal overtones and build up of tension. Good dialog as well.
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 18-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Thanks much, Rama. I appreciate all your suggestions and will take a look at them for revision purposes. I certainly appreciate all the time you took to help strengthen the chapter.
:) Bev
-
Most welcome, my dear Bev.
Hugs, rd
Comment from Deborah Marie
Well crafted chapter, from title to creative wording to artwork... I have to be careful reading about paranormal stuff, especially violent ones; I often get caught up dreaming about them and this scares me... But, this intrigued me, so I read it...etc... Thanks for sharing and keep 'em coming. God Bless, Deb
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Well crafted chapter, from title to creative wording to artwork... I have to be careful reading about paranormal stuff, especially violent ones; I often get caught up dreaming about them and this scares me... But, this intrigued me, so I read it...etc... Thanks for sharing and keep 'em coming. God Bless, Deb
Comment Written 18-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Thank you very much for venturing into the chapter, Deb. I really appreciate your insights and comments--both of which are helpful to me.
I'm trying to suggest evil without deviating into gore and non-stop violence. I believe that takes more work, but it helps attract readers of all types.
Thanks and blessings to you!
:) Bev
Comment from royowen
Well Done Bev, you've revived something I never actually read before, that of Catherine being treated so badly by Charles Bellingham, and the the affair between Phillipe and her. And the utter depravity she was subjected, and it seem it was carried into the supernatural realm it seems. The up to date apocurrences i was much more aware of. Well done, it's been a while since I I've read the series, well done, Bev, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Well Done Bev, you've revived something I never actually read before, that of Catherine being treated so badly by Charles Bellingham, and the the affair between Phillipe and her. And the utter depravity she was subjected, and it seem it was carried into the supernatural realm it seems. The up to date apocurrences i was much more aware of. Well done, it's been a while since I I've read the series, well done, Bev, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Hello, Roy. Thank you for taking time out to read the chapter. It's always great to get your personal insights. I appreciate your support of, and encouragement for, this revived post. Blessings to you as well, my friend.
:) Bev
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Most welcome Bev
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for reviving this chapter--it is one that I somehow missed when you first posted it in September. Your "hothouse orchids pressed into superiority" simile in your opening paragraph speaks volumes about Catherine and her mother. Your portrayal of the "truce" established amongst the inhabitants of Bellingham Manor is fascinating. Your focus on energy in the second half is effective, both with the Reiki example and for the source of the spirits' manifestation. The reference to the book at the end adds to the intrigue. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Thank you for reviving this chapter--it is one that I somehow missed when you first posted it in September. Your "hothouse orchids pressed into superiority" simile in your opening paragraph speaks volumes about Catherine and her mother. Your portrayal of the "truce" established amongst the inhabitants of Bellingham Manor is fascinating. Your focus on energy in the second half is effective, both with the Reiki example and for the source of the spirits' manifestation. The reference to the book at the end adds to the intrigue. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Hi, Joan. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. It's always great to get your personal insights, and I appreciate your mentioning that simile.
Thanks so much!
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Jay Squires
This reads very smoothly and professionally. Your images are quite specific and accurate. I only had a few problems, I go over below, but in whole this was a splendid chapter.
Sometime in the early morning hours of July 20, a man bent on vengeance slit her throat [This seems to me an abrupt transition, particularly since the story was being told from her POV and then she is dead. Perhaps a scene change there would be appropriate.]
"It's nothing, Mia." But when Emma tried to continue forward, [some great, specific, physical imagery in this paragraph.]
Stacked neatly in the middle of the seat was a stack of books. [Kind of a "stacked/stack" echo here.]
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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This reads very smoothly and professionally. Your images are quite specific and accurate. I only had a few problems, I go over below, but in whole this was a splendid chapter.
Sometime in the early morning hours of July 20, a man bent on vengeance slit her throat [This seems to me an abrupt transition, particularly since the story was being told from her POV and then she is dead. Perhaps a scene change there would be appropriate.]
"It's nothing, Mia." But when Emma tried to continue forward, [some great, specific, physical imagery in this paragraph.]
Stacked neatly in the middle of the seat was a stack of books. [Kind of a "stacked/stack" echo here.]
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Hi, Jay
Thanks very much for this very helpful review. I've tightened the areas you mention which makes it flow better. It's always good to receive your solid insights and advice.
Much appreciated!
:) Bev
Comment from DonandVicki
A very fun read that held my attention all the way through the chapter. A good continuation to the story that has very good and believable characters.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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A very fun read that held my attention all the way through the chapter. A good continuation to the story that has very good and believable characters.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Thanks so much for this gracious review. I'm very glad you enjoyed the chapter, D.
:) Bev
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Bev.
I'm thrilled you've come back to this story. Wow, what an exciting read! You've done an excellent job showing both the past and present. You showed Catherine's death at the hands of brutality with excellent visuals and descriptions. The language you used really reflected the time period.
Moving to the present flowed so well and is a fascinating read the way you describe the presence in the room, one so dark. Your descriptions and dialogue are excellent and so interesting to read.
Wonderful chapter, my friend!
Bye
Hugs
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Hi, Bev.
I'm thrilled you've come back to this story. Wow, what an exciting read! You've done an excellent job showing both the past and present. You showed Catherine's death at the hands of brutality with excellent visuals and descriptions. The language you used really reflected the time period.
Moving to the present flowed so well and is a fascinating read the way you describe the presence in the room, one so dark. Your descriptions and dialogue are excellent and so interesting to read.
Wonderful chapter, my friend!
Bye
Hugs
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Rosalyne. I really appreciate you mentioning the language I used for the first part of the story. As usual, you are totally in tune with what I intended.
I know the chapter was a bit long, but I felt the need to introduce Catherine in a more detailed way than I did originally. She's becoming one of the characters I'm developing a personal affection for.
Your wonderful words and lovely six stars really capped off my evening, my friend.
Big Hug,
Bev
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The chapter is a perfect length. Catherine is wonderful and I'm so glad you gave her the voice and story in this chapter. You have such a gift of creating such fascinating characters. That really brings a story to life. :)
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Thanks, Rosalyne. That was where I was coming from, so I really appreciate your supportive insight.
Big Hug,
Bev
Comment from JTStone
Not my genre, but I thought I'd stop and give it a look.
You have a fluid style that seems compelling to a reader. I kept going despite my misgivings about the subject mater. Your material superseded my doubts and I finished your segment.
I was impressed with your work. You are a talented writer. And can weave a fascinating tale.
I appreciated the depiction of the lives of the ghosts before they were murdered. The cop added a bit of a human element. The castration though brutal, given the perpetrator and his vicious attack it would be logical. I liked the detail you used to describe Catherine's ghost wanderings through the house over the years.
Overall a good read.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Not my genre, but I thought I'd stop and give it a look.
You have a fluid style that seems compelling to a reader. I kept going despite my misgivings about the subject mater. Your material superseded my doubts and I finished your segment.
I was impressed with your work. You are a talented writer. And can weave a fascinating tale.
I appreciated the depiction of the lives of the ghosts before they were murdered. The cop added a bit of a human element. The castration though brutal, given the perpetrator and his vicious attack it would be logical. I liked the detail you used to describe Catherine's ghost wanderings through the house over the years.
Overall a good read.
Jimmy
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Thanks so much, JT, for your generous and encouraging review. I appreciate all the time you took to mention what you liked about the chapter. So very helpful!
:) Bev
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Bev
= Excellent chapter.
= I felt so bad for Catherine to have such nasty hubby, and then for them to be done in like they were. Yikes!
= The gang will have a field day figuring this all out with their fancy equipment.
= Nice write, my friend.
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie <> Jax (*>*)
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Hi, Bev
= Excellent chapter.
= I felt so bad for Catherine to have such nasty hubby, and then for them to be done in like they were. Yikes!
= The gang will have a field day figuring this all out with their fancy equipment.
= Nice write, my friend.
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie <> Jax (*>*)
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Thanks so much, Jax. I'm not sure what's coming will be fun, but it will certainly be interesting LoL.
:) Bev
