Experiences of Death
Viewing comments for Prologue "The Heat of Battle"Metre ... Mixed
41 total reviews
Comment from dorenealang
Four stars = good, adjustments needed. This is really a very good piece of free form. There are just a few places where you put commas and periods were needed. Just a little bit of advice, if you put in punctuation then you should consider only capitalizing at the beginning of each sentence. You are teaching a very powerful thing here. The Lord will bless you I think, for reaching out to the dead who have no Hope in Him. Thank you for doing this job.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Four stars = good, adjustments needed. This is really a very good piece of free form. There are just a few places where you put commas and periods were needed. Just a little bit of advice, if you put in punctuation then you should consider only capitalizing at the beginning of each sentence. You are teaching a very powerful thing here. The Lord will bless you I think, for reaching out to the dead who have no Hope in Him. Thank you for doing this job.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Bit unfair I thought as it is not free form at all...could you explain why you think it is.
Capitilazation: It is entirely up to the poets descression to have capitals at the beginning of each line...point noted.
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I am sorry Bicpen if I offended you. I guess that I just assumed that it was free form. Sorry. The reason that I gave it a four is only because of the sentences that could have used a period, and ran on a little. Example: "Through sin he's designed To separate, tearing the body and Soul asunder, there is no escape but We can defeat him." You also have included in this line a word that is capitalized that shouldn't be. I wouldn't have even picked up on the period vs the commas if you had not included the punctuation. I think that we are supposed to give a four if there is any work to be done to a poem, if it is not mistake free. I did not give the four because of you capitalizing the lines nor did I give it for being what I thought was free form. Sorry again if I offended. I did think it was a good piece.
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I`m just trying to figure what work needs to be done on it, not capitilization because that is at the start of every line not mid sentence through the line.
Not because it was free form which you assumed it was without checking may I add.
The use of a possible period where a comma could be used instead...are you sure !!
..is that all.
The reason i am a bit surprised is because this dilema of period verses comma is not really justified. The whole point of the lengthy sentence is that when read with a comma it is delivered as three small sentences...Am I wrong.
One final point...try this...never assume as it makes an ass out of u and me.
To be quite honest your entitled to give whatever you think it is worth. I can only go on my own judgement and that is why helpful critiques are useful. If the four remains and you are quite determined that lengthy sentences are illegal in the english language then I suggest you discover a way or form of punctuation that can be used to break the sentence appropriately...to my knowledge the comma was quite adequit for this purpose...however I could be wrong.
Many thanks Bicpen...by the way it`s not all about stars.
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If I made a mistake, I'm sorry
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no worries...
Comment from emmaysavage
Great ideas. But I have complaints.
It reads too much like prose, and might come across better if lengthened into an essay that explores thoughts more thoroughly.
I would like to see you work on your line lengths. I would give you a lot of specifics, but that would be vain of me, to assume to know so much of what is yours.
If you try to ponder your phrasing, I think this poem could be more satisfying to you and the reader.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Great ideas. But I have complaints.
It reads too much like prose, and might come across better if lengthened into an essay that explores thoughts more thoroughly.
I would like to see you work on your line lengths. I would give you a lot of specifics, but that would be vain of me, to assume to know so much of what is yours.
If you try to ponder your phrasing, I think this poem could be more satisfying to you and the reader.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Quite obviously you missed the slant rhyme contained within the poem...could you explain why you think it is more like prose as it has a definate syllable count and normative throughout unless Im wrong.
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Did see the slant rhyme. Sorry -- should have mentioned it. But slant rhyme and syllable count don't a great poem make.
I could follow more easily without the strict syllable count:
"Sin is a furious enemy.
It twists the heartto do evil."
Would have grabbed me more in this format.
Hey, it's agood poem. I would have done it differently, for the sake of clarity.
Or written an essay.
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As a matter of fact i`m quite satisfied by this poem as it suits and fits the description that I intended it to be...sorry it passed you by.
Comment from mumsyone
Your poem (and your author note) is a nice tribute to your faith. I enjoyed reading it.
Believe on the blood of
Jesus that (who) died that death might not survive
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Your poem (and your author note) is a nice tribute to your faith. I enjoyed reading it.
Believe on the blood of
Jesus that (who) died that death might not survive
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Thank you...point noted.
Comment from MelissaBickel
I enjoyed your perception of death through the lines of your poem here. The only ending to sin is death which wipes it away. How fortunate we are for the sacrifice of Jesus to redeem mankind.
Great thoughts within this
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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I enjoyed your perception of death through the lines of your poem here. The only ending to sin is death which wipes it away. How fortunate we are for the sacrifice of Jesus to redeem mankind.
Great thoughts within this
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Thank you.
Comment from adewpearl
I like the consonance of S sounds in sin/separate/soul asunder/escape
Excellent alliteration in believe on the blood
Free from destruction and it's wrath - drop the apostrophe in the possessive its
relinquish sin's grip - add the apostrophe for possessive of sin
A most thoughtful look at the nature of Death and how, with faith, we realize that faith is not the end and not something to fear. Brooke
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
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I like the consonance of S sounds in sin/separate/soul asunder/escape
Excellent alliteration in believe on the blood
Free from destruction and it's wrath - drop the apostrophe in the possessive its
relinquish sin's grip - add the apostrophe for possessive of sin
A most thoughtful look at the nature of Death and how, with faith, we realize that faith is not the end and not something to fear. Brooke
Comment Written 15-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2011
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Much appreciated...point noted and rectified...I hope.
Comment from Kashif Ali Abbas
Enjoyable, powerful and specially thoughtful. It does deserve a 6 star, glad to have read and will be looking forward to read more of your work.
well done
K
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2011
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Enjoyable, powerful and specially thoughtful. It does deserve a 6 star, glad to have read and will be looking forward to read more of your work.
well done
K
Comment Written 11-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2011
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Thank you...
Comment from Van
Great pic/text combination. Strong message. Something that you could frame and put it in the entrance of the Sunday School hallway.
Content: superb
Flow: very good
Mechanics: very good
relinquish [sins Grip.]:- I'd recomment either using and apostrophe 's' with sin or get rid of the period after grip.
Great poem.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2011
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Great pic/text combination. Strong message. Something that you could frame and put it in the entrance of the Sunday School hallway.
Content: superb
Flow: very good
Mechanics: very good
relinquish [sins Grip.]:- I'd recomment either using and apostrophe 's' with sin or get rid of the period after grip.
Great poem.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2011
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Much appreciated...I always forget that...!
Comment from HAWordsmith
This is a lovely testament to the power of I Am and a pleasure to read. I like that you have not buried the thoughts in reverse syntax as so many writers of religious poetry are wont to do. The only line that bothered me a little was "brought life where death prevailed"... obviously if he brought life, then death did not prevail...so perhaps something to the effect of brought life where death had walked. Since I am not a writer of this genre, I don't really know how to say that, but I am sure you get my drift; and since I am also new to this genre, I might have that totally wrong...in which case, just kick it over. :) Thank you for this posting and many blessings.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2011
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This is a lovely testament to the power of I Am and a pleasure to read. I like that you have not buried the thoughts in reverse syntax as so many writers of religious poetry are wont to do. The only line that bothered me a little was "brought life where death prevailed"... obviously if he brought life, then death did not prevail...so perhaps something to the effect of brought life where death had walked. Since I am not a writer of this genre, I don't really know how to say that, but I am sure you get my drift; and since I am also new to this genre, I might have that totally wrong...in which case, just kick it over. :) Thank you for this posting and many blessings.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2011
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"Brought life where death prevailed." a reference to the Lord bringing salvation to a world that has none. hence, bringing life...where death and sin has it`s rule and power, hence, death prevailed over the world and all in it.prevailed...I think...
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Thank you for the explanation...that makes sense... I was thinking terms of the individual death of the human body.
Comment from robyn corum
A wonderful message of hope. I think you've done a good job of sharing the gospel here with others. I only see only thing - you need to capitalize the 'h' in "What he did." Otherwise - groovy.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2011
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A wonderful message of hope. I think you've done a good job of sharing the gospel here with others. I only see only thing - you need to capitalize the 'h' in "What he did." Otherwise - groovy.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2011
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mmm...thank you.
Comment from Espresso momma
And remember, it 'appointed'. God is in complete control. So many feel somehow God sort of just lets things happen, but not according to His word. Thank you for this find piece.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2011
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And remember, it 'appointed'. God is in complete control. So many feel somehow God sort of just lets things happen, but not according to His word. Thank you for this find piece.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2011
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I agree...thank you.
