Experiences of Death
Viewing comments for Prologue "The Heat of Battle"Metre ... Mixed
41 total reviews
Comment from fairy77
I like mostly rhyme.I feel death is not a good subject unless ill.the picture was fantastic.I felt you vocab a bit shaky.It just didn't flow felt forced.Just one opinion.Keep writing.beth fairy77
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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I like mostly rhyme.I feel death is not a good subject unless ill.the picture was fantastic.I felt you vocab a bit shaky.It just didn't flow felt forced.Just one opinion.Keep writing.beth fairy77
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Thank you...any advice how the vocabulary could improve.
Comment from cvcopac
Bicpen,I like every sentence, every idea and am satisfied completely with the content and message. I am humbled before your unrelenting faith. However, I recognize no poetic form, it reads to me like prose; more specific a speech or more specific yet a sermon. Some speeches and sermons are poetic,perhaps you could point out some of the mechanic's of the trade employed for that result.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Bicpen,I like every sentence, every idea and am satisfied completely with the content and message. I am humbled before your unrelenting faith. However, I recognize no poetic form, it reads to me like prose; more specific a speech or more specific yet a sermon. Some speeches and sermons are poetic,perhaps you could point out some of the mechanic's of the trade employed for that result.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Well seeings as you have given me a four it is my duty to try and change your mind...maybe youll be able to appreciate it a bit more...
Meter: Five feet (each foot 2 syllables)
Stanza: One (as you can see no divisions)
Rhyme: Slant
Structure: Normative (constant no. of syllables per line)
I really do not want to hear any more about the syllables being syllables or not syllables depending on the basis of how you sound a word, it`s nonsense. There are very good and easy guides to what is and what is not a syllable. Please have some understanding of these mechanisims before you even suggest a syllable being out of place.
Any helpful criticism is much appreciated but my fuse has grown very short for some peoples ideas of what constitutes certain elemnts within a poem.
Helpful hints: lookout for Assonance, Consonance and Alliteration. Rhyme is more than just simple end structure that sound similar.
Maybe if you see all these things together you might appreciate it for the poem that I think it is...possible five maybe six if you think it has it.(lol)
One last thing the debate of long sentences and period vs comma has already taken place so please remember that...if you wish I will discuss.
Many thanks Bicpen.
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I see that the foot is constant from line to line.That is all I find.Indicate to me the slant rhyme, the assonance,consonance and alliteration if you would.
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SAMPLE:
Slant Rhyme: Enemy, Evil: He`s, Designed: Soul, Asunder:
Alliteration: He`s/(Des)igned: Soul/A(su)nder:
The rest is up to you my friend but as far as I can see the above sample is correct.
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My friend,You know Ezra Pound had a lot of trouble with the critics and the man was pure genius. I see what you are pointing out, as very weak mechanics, or I should say subtle. It still reads like prose to me. However I'll give you the toss and let the words fall where they may.
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I thank you for the kind appreciation and reflect that critics are the least of my worries when it comes to poetry, genius or not.
I would be intrested as to why you find my explenation as weak mechanics, is it that you just simply dont see or hear any of it as you read the piece or is it fundamentaly flawed and falls to the prose category.
To hear the slant rhyme simply sound the syllables...do you get it or not.
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Mr. I was doing extemporaneous readings in grade school. I can read poetry like an actor delivers his lines, the preacher his sermon.
I've red many classic poets and the bible, love to read the bible aloud. Your work reads strong from 1st word to last. I would read it as a sermon it has strong words and emotions. It has poetic form but I feel the mechanics are so subtle as to render it prose. We should not have to hunt for alliteration, assonance, enternal rhyme etc, these tools should stand out as "in your face" alive and jumping up and down here I am see me. Good luck Bic,and may God bless.
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Many thanks...God bless.
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No problem
Comment from oNray
The message, longstanding and constantly repeated (as should be)was presented well, and did not stall out or freeze frame. Good presentation.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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The message, longstanding and constantly repeated (as should be)was presented well, and did not stall out or freeze frame. Good presentation.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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many thanks.
Comment from Betty517
Where did you get that picture of my husband?! LOL! I believe that if your a good soul you will go to a heavenly place! Great poem.
Betty
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Where did you get that picture of my husband?! LOL! I believe that if your a good soul you will go to a heavenly place! Great poem.
Betty
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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There is none good but one and he is God...hence the poem.
Thank you.
Comment from rchitwood
A very inspiring message to all who believes in the Lord.Your poem is very goof and has good emotions of faith.Your photo compliments your poem well.Blessings Rita
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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A very inspiring message to all who believes in the Lord.Your poem is very goof and has good emotions of faith.Your photo compliments your poem well.Blessings Rita
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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thank you.
Comment from honeydo51
Hi Bicpen,
Wow! This poem really had a whopper of a great message and was written quite well, without missing a beat there. Nice job on this!
honeydo
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Hi Bicpen,
Wow! This poem really had a whopper of a great message and was written quite well, without missing a beat there. Nice job on this!
honeydo
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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I`m glad someone thinks so...you`re welcome...many thanks.
Comment from Kaine Darcwater
I like the tone of this poem. It has a Horror/Gothic feel to it and those are my favorite genres. I'm not sure if Death has ever been proved as a spiritual being. Man has created the Reaper over the years as a sickle carrying wraith of bone. There is an Angel of Death. I think that there are many of them, they come to comfort us ar our time of passing and guide us home. Kudos.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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I like the tone of this poem. It has a Horror/Gothic feel to it and those are my favorite genres. I'm not sure if Death has ever been proved as a spiritual being. Man has created the Reaper over the years as a sickle carrying wraith of bone. There is an Angel of Death. I think that there are many of them, they come to comfort us ar our time of passing and guide us home. Kudos.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Death is an angel and death as an existence in christian theology as seperation from God. Hence, man in his fallen condition is dead in his tresspasses and sin...any help.
Comment from boberto
Life is like having a Christmas tree up all the time, with packages piled around the tree. Only, in life, we know what is in the packages. So, we open the one we want to: no one makes us do it. One may contain sin, another may be love, another may be desire and motivation to do/be something, and on and on. There are many reasons why or why not we pick a certain package.
Faith is but one of the many. Heritage, environment, training, expereiences, society, events, to name a few. I believe it is myoptic to think because an individual may lack faith, they will probably be a sinner.
My opinion.
boberto
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Life is like having a Christmas tree up all the time, with packages piled around the tree. Only, in life, we know what is in the packages. So, we open the one we want to: no one makes us do it. One may contain sin, another may be love, another may be desire and motivation to do/be something, and on and on. There are many reasons why or why not we pick a certain package.
Faith is but one of the many. Heritage, environment, training, expereiences, society, events, to name a few. I believe it is myoptic to think because an individual may lack faith, they will probably be a sinner.
My opinion.
boberto
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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It`s an absolute fact mate...
my opinion...
and by the way just because they have faith they dont stop being a sinner.
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And that is also a fact.
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How can two facts regarding truth in its essential divine quality oppose each other...care to explain.
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I don't intend to carry this on forever as we are discussing two individuals beliefs if will, and everyone is entitled to their own without the need to defend.
However, I think Einstein was a good example. The ultimate scientist and science is the black to religion's white. In science, only what can be proven is believed. Whereas, faith is blind assurance of the unknown. Yet, Einstein was able to defend both ways and did so in his book, "God and Science." There are other discussion of this on the internet.
very interesting.
Not only that, you are the one that wrote even those with faith sin. Maybe Dante had the right approach--Read my verse, "Not a Dive Comedy."
This ends my discussion--thanks. I commend you on your faith as long as it is not hyprocritical. Another fact that in all my years I have found to be the case.
Have a good weekend.
boberto
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Thanks boberto...as no real discussion took place as it was your voice alone I leave you with one simple thought on the existence of God...
It isn`t proved you fool, it can`t be proved. How can you prove a victory before it`s won? How can you prove a man who leads to be a leader worth following, unless you follow to the death?
"Woodbine Willie" (1883-1929)
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
Very well said, the wages of sin is death. Thank God for our Lord. I love the scripture from 1 Corinthians 15:
54 So when this corruptible shall put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written. Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death,where is thy sting? O grave,where is thy victory?
Very well written poem.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Very well said, the wages of sin is death. Thank God for our Lord. I love the scripture from 1 Corinthians 15:
54 So when this corruptible shall put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written. Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death,where is thy sting? O grave,where is thy victory?
Very well written poem.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Sentiments shared.
Much appreciated.
Comment from jpafford
This was difficult to read with no spaces in between some paragraphs..and run on sentences ie Through sin he's designed to separate, tering the body and Soul asunder, there is....(needs a period after asunder and cap T on There
We do not struggle, we submit and ...
two separate thoughts so needs a period and new sentence here or at least a semi-colon..however, I do like the message you are trying to get across.
joanne
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reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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This was difficult to read with no spaces in between some paragraphs..and run on sentences ie Through sin he's designed to separate, tering the body and Soul asunder, there is....(needs a period after asunder and cap T on There
We do not struggle, we submit and ...
two separate thoughts so needs a period and new sentence here or at least a semi-colon..however, I do like the message you are trying to get across.
joanne
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2011
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Cheers Joanne...can you explain to me what the real definition for the use of a comma and the semi colon is...as I`m a bit thick.
Cheers for the three it seems to be a bit below average with a lot of revision needed, is that right?
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yes, and I'm big on grammar being an ex-English teacher...a comma is used to indicate a pause in speaking or reading...when you take a breath to finish reading a sentence or part of one...if there is a pause, then it needs a comma
and usually always before the word but i.e. he went to the store, but he had no money - you couldn't use a semi-colon here because a semi-colon is treated like a period with two separate sentences but ones that relate to each other ie
he went to the store, but discovered he had no money; however, his friend loaned him some. the However, his friend loaned him some is a stand alone sentence but since it connects to the sentence in front of it, you use a semi-colon...I hope this helps you understand
joanne
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one quick question joanne can you tell me if the word passed has two syllables or just one and if one can you give me a brief explanation...
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Thankd for the last helpful explanatiojn.
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it is one syllable - you go by the sound - if it were two it would sound like pas ed
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sorry joanne I seemed to be a little bit bemused but passed has two vowels in it and you only class it as one syllable, can you PLEASE explain this as I really am getting a bit thicker by the day.
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the word passed is a one sylable word..yes you have two vowels but the second vowel of 'e" is not sounded out...you count to 'sound' of the word, regardless of the amount of vowels in a word, such as a word like 'seat'...has 2 vowels but only one overall sound of one vowel of e ..i think your vondusion is concluding that you count the vowels in the word, but you can't count the vowels, you must sound out the vord and only the vowel that is spoken, not written, makes it a one syllable word...like other similar words with more than one vowel in the wrritne word but only one vowel that is sounded out when you read the word - other examples - thought has 2 vowels the o and the u, but only the sound of aw (from the combo of ou in thought;another example book - 2 vowels of 2 oo in book but only one sound of oo in book; vs a word like apple, again 2 vowels of a and e but sounded out as ap ple; a word like seen..two ee's in seen but only one sound of e...are you getting it now?
joanne
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Joanne I got it a long time ago and quite frankly your observations of words including vowels lacks a lot...
I agree with some of what you are saying but not for the same reason, hence the difference of opinion.
Many thanks...
Bicpen.
