Warrior Angel
My father fights for me34 total reviews
Comment from Violet Demise
Wow! I had to go back and read the Dean's words once again because I couldn't believe what I've just read. It is horrible to discriminate people like that and I'm glad you shared this story. It is going to show others that may be going through discrimination that one should never go down without a fight. I love how you called your dad a warrior angel, I can relate to that because throughout my whole life my dad was my hero as well. I will definitely come back and read more of your work. Best wishes!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2011
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Wow! I had to go back and read the Dean's words once again because I couldn't believe what I've just read. It is horrible to discriminate people like that and I'm glad you shared this story. It is going to show others that may be going through discrimination that one should never go down without a fight. I love how you called your dad a warrior angel, I can relate to that because throughout my whole life my dad was my hero as well. I will definitely come back and read more of your work. Best wishes!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2011
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Thanks so much Violet for the praise. No one would dare to say that in today's world. In my sophomore year, I was told to go the school's speech therapist because I had a whistling "s". They wanted perfection in their teachers! Hope you'll join my fan so you can catch work while it pays more than 2 cents!
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Oh, I am not after cents, most of the time I only comment when I really like something. I've just started writing in English so I don't feel competent to criticize other's people work since most of the time I don't even know what I'm doing myself. But I will definitely join :)
Comment from humpwhistle
I applaud your father for standing up for you. The Dean, was clearly misguided. I wonder if you need so many conversation tags, and if they couldn't be simplified.
"I held my breath waiting for the outcome."
Wouldn't 'I held my breath' show just as much exposition, and even more expression? Just an example.
Peace, Lee
Now, I puzzled, what did this have to do with teaching?--A little awkward, maybe?
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2011
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I applaud your father for standing up for you. The Dean, was clearly misguided. I wonder if you need so many conversation tags, and if they couldn't be simplified.
"I held my breath waiting for the outcome."
Wouldn't 'I held my breath' show just as much exposition, and even more expression? Just an example.
Peace, Lee
Now, I puzzled, what did this have to do with teaching?--A little awkward, maybe?
Comment Written 22-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2011
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Excellent suggestions. I appreciate all the feedback I'm getting on this. I'll take actually a tenth look! Keep editing from other readers' advice too. Good to know that writers know their craft.
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As long as you see suggestions for suggestions, Spitfire. Don't change anything you don't want to.
It is more important for you to be happy than me. Lee
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Trust me. I go with my instincts. And I didn't like the line about being puzzled either, but was trying for a transition. I deleted it.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, spitfire, a great job writing this story about the way your father took on a dean who was obnoxious and discourteous enough to try to keep you out of school for a medical condition. my eye gets lazy when i'm tired or i am focusing on something. good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2011
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this is very well written, spitfire, a great job writing this story about the way your father took on a dean who was obnoxious and discourteous enough to try to keep you out of school for a medical condition. my eye gets lazy when i'm tired or i am focusing on something. good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2011
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Thanks for the comments. Interesting that you have an occasional lazy eye.
Comment from Just Alyx
Graceful story, I really liked it. Even better that it's true. I've heard it said that pride is a sin but I don't see it that way at all on a literal level. What's wrong with standing proud by what you believe is right, so long as it's not standover tactics? Nada to me. Your dad sounds like a great guy and you penned it well to show it. Best kind of teacher, eh; by example. Bet you're a good one, too. Just a few easy fix typos and a suggestion:
*Dad sat close by,()a quiet observer--space needed.
*"Excuse me, Dr. Schulz[.]" He spoke calmly, but his eyes smoldered. "
*"That would be Alice. She's a sophomore.["]
*"And she's in [the] teacher program?"???
My father lifted his brows--just a nit-picky thing, but this is 'inactive' action (telling). 'Direct' action (showing) assists the brain to process it with ease so that the reader doesn't think about it and the imagery becomes starker effortlessly. This could be "My father's brows lifted." (transference of action imagery to the object in question instead of the father/character in the scene).
*"That's what Albany State is known for.["]
*man out there in a [wheelchair]
*That's Richard ... and plans to teach history[.]"
Let me know if you'd like me to revisit for the rating. Cheers for the good read. Alyx.
Oh, sorry. Best of luck in the comp, it's a great entry.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Graceful story, I really liked it. Even better that it's true. I've heard it said that pride is a sin but I don't see it that way at all on a literal level. What's wrong with standing proud by what you believe is right, so long as it's not standover tactics? Nada to me. Your dad sounds like a great guy and you penned it well to show it. Best kind of teacher, eh; by example. Bet you're a good one, too. Just a few easy fix typos and a suggestion:
*Dad sat close by,()a quiet observer--space needed.
*"Excuse me, Dr. Schulz[.]" He spoke calmly, but his eyes smoldered. "
*"That would be Alice. She's a sophomore.["]
*"And she's in [the] teacher program?"???
My father lifted his brows--just a nit-picky thing, but this is 'inactive' action (telling). 'Direct' action (showing) assists the brain to process it with ease so that the reader doesn't think about it and the imagery becomes starker effortlessly. This could be "My father's brows lifted." (transference of action imagery to the object in question instead of the father/character in the scene).
*"That's what Albany State is known for.["]
*man out there in a [wheelchair]
*That's Richard ... and plans to teach history[.]"
Let me know if you'd like me to revisit for the rating. Cheers for the good read. Alyx.
Oh, sorry. Best of luck in the comp, it's a great entry.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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I really appreciate your catching my errors. I went over it a couple of times, but you miss things when it's your own. Someone else caught two of these. On your second point, I did have a period after Schulz and started "he with a capital. I think it could be done either way--seeing it as a continuation of the sentence or as a separate thought. I like it your way --my original instinct.
I also thank you for the eyebrow bit. It's not nit-picky. I see your point.
Also realized how awkward to end a sentence in a preposition even in dialogue ( Schultz's remark) so I changed that.
Yes, I would appreciate a revisit if only to see if I have any more careless errors. Sorry I used up my reviewer nominations, but will remember your name and get you next time. ( Oh, sometimes I correct spacing on the edit sheet, but it doesn't come through on the final. Appreciate the time you took on this.
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Fresher eyes, nothing like them. We always seem to need them no matter how meticulous we think we've been, and crossover to FS can be a pain. No worries, glad it helped. Great changes. Cheers and thanks for the appreciation.
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Appreciate your taking a second look and upgrading my rating.
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No sweat *wink*
Comment from Rama Rao
An excellent story well written. Your dad showed his guts and rage when needed. I admire him, but I wonder why you delayed the corrective surgery for so long? Since you are a teacher, this composition should be graded A+. However, a few points.
1. on her way- our way would be better.
Dad moved to the window, and- delete the comma here.
history,"-history."
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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An excellent story well written. Your dad showed his guts and rage when needed. I admire him, but I wonder why you delayed the corrective surgery for so long? Since you are a teacher, this composition should be graded A+. However, a few points.
1. on her way- our way would be better.
Dad moved to the window, and- delete the comma here.
history,"-history."
Comment Written 21-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Thanks for catching the typos. I would nominate you for a reviewer but I ran out!
My parents felt surgery of any kind was dangerous. I didn't even tell them when I had it until after it was done. They were both worry wards. As I said stress and tiredness would cause the eye to turn. But this doctor gave me a name and the man assured me it was an easy operation that he had done many times. Guess I let my parents personal fears affect me.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Spitfire,
What an eloquent tribute to your father. Very well written with excellent dialouge (sp) and discriptions. I kept wondering, will your Dad get you admitted, and he did. He also taught you valuable lessons which you have applied in your own life. Bravo.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Dear Spitfire,
What an eloquent tribute to your father. Very well written with excellent dialouge (sp) and discriptions. I kept wondering, will your Dad get you admitted, and he did. He also taught you valuable lessons which you have applied in your own life. Bravo.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 21-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Wow! Thanks for the super rating. As for dialogue, Even though it happened years ago,but I remember word for word what my father said to that pompous man just as I remember how my heart sunk when he told me I wouldn't be accepted. I felt my life was over. I'm so glad to honor my father's memory with this work.
Comment from dportwood
Spitfire,
I read these words and found myself sharing your happiness after an unfeeling, unthinking, biased person tried to belittle you. I'm glad you got the surgery. Good for you.
Duane
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Spitfire,
I read these words and found myself sharing your happiness after an unfeeling, unthinking, biased person tried to belittle you. I'm glad you got the surgery. Good for you.
Duane
Comment Written 21-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Thanks. My parents were too afraid at the word "surgery" to put me through it. I didn't even tell them until after the fact.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I'm glad you wrote this, because it is a lesson for all of us. What a great man your father was, but then again he was defending his daughter! A true warrior... This is a most interesting and thought provoking piece of writing. Giddy
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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I'm glad you wrote this, because it is a lesson for all of us. What a great man your father was, but then again he was defending his daughter! A true warrior... This is a most interesting and thought provoking piece of writing. Giddy
Comment Written 21-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Thank you Giddy. Yes, my Dad was pretty special.
Comment from Queenise
Bravo,friend. This is a genius of a story and you've done a great job describing what happens more often than is known. Awesome that your father did this and that you were able to make us see it so well in this writing. Love your author notes which add even more to this story. Good luck. Queenise
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Bravo,friend. This is a genius of a story and you've done a great job describing what happens more often than is known. Awesome that your father did this and that you were able to make us see it so well in this writing. Love your author notes which add even more to this story. Good luck. Queenise
Comment Written 21-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Thank you, Queenise. My sweet husband told me he never noticed it.
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You're welcome. Queenise
Comment from pasinger
Go Dad, Go.
I can believe this, it is really in the same class as some who are overweight, they get the same treatment.
This incident of yours was laid out in logical order which gave an easy flow to the work. It made the story easy for the reader to follow.
We don't have to take things aimed at us in prejudice if we make a strong reply it can make people realise their mistake as your father did here.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad you had the surgery done for yourself not others
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Go Dad, Go.
I can believe this, it is really in the same class as some who are overweight, they get the same treatment.
This incident of yours was laid out in logical order which gave an easy flow to the work. It made the story easy for the reader to follow.
We don't have to take things aimed at us in prejudice if we make a strong reply it can make people realise their mistake as your father did here.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad you had the surgery done for yourself not others
Comment Written 21-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2011
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Thanks pasinger. At the time I told my Dad how proud I was of him and how he saved my life--figuratively.
