Paranormal Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Speak of the Devil"Case Studies of Hauntings
55 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Interesting Mia's revelation that Charles has human help also. So much happening, so much evil to keep us intrigued with how they are going to get to the real truth. Great chapter, thoroughly enjoying this book.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Interesting Mia's revelation that Charles has human help also. So much happening, so much evil to keep us intrigued with how they are going to get to the real truth. Great chapter, thoroughly enjoying this book.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Pearl, thank you so much for this very generous, and encouraging, review. I appreciate, especially, your insights into the chapter and what the readers' might be thinking. Very helpful!
:) Bev
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear Bev!
Always fun to read ghost stories. I've missed previous chapters from this book...but it's easy to jump in because your writing is good. Is this a book you'll be sending later for edits?
Anyway, nice to see you posting now, as it's a short visit for me...during the next two days probably I'll spend an hour here once a day...it's nice to catch up--as I'll be swamped again after this weekend.
Actually, still swamped now in terms of editing work, but taking a break from patient rounds for this weekend...fighting off a seasonal flu (monsoons) - and for my ICU patients, flus could kill them!
Hope you're well. Are you panning to send more chapters soon? If so, feel free, as I can always squeeze in intermittent chapters...but quite clients a few are sending full manuscripts all at once. Whew!
NOTES:
What a riveting chapter! Drew me in and held my attention intensely from start to finish. Outstanding pacing. Great balance of narrative and dialog, both of which enhance characterization--which is also superb. Bravo! Superb deep POV style.
*The sound penetrated through her protective barrier and setting her eardrums vibrating.
use verb SET not gerund 'setting'
and set her eardrums vibrating.
or, remove and:
barrier, setting her eardrums vibrating.
Scuttled is such an apt verb choice! Well done!
* Blocking her view of the book(-)covered west wall was a sphere of gray.
* Emma sucked in a sharp breath and(,) without taking her eyes from the object, said, "
What a great simile: It's moving faster than a tornado on steroids."
*"Your courage is born of innocence, but I admire it none-the-less."
nonetheless does not need hyphens.
Good insight on the way those things operate by trying to invoke a negative reaction. I had just such an experience when dealing with friend who had a demonic possession in India back in the late 80's. The entity played such mind games! Have you had direct experience of this too?
* The ghost lifted its hand and gestured Mia to approach. A red mist blurred the lower half of its jaw, but the words that came out were clear.
Since they established it's a female ghost, shouldn't it be HER instead of ITS?
and here, should it be HER EYES rather than THE EYES?--
The look of the eyes shifted from soft and pleading
*spacing typo:
while the features of Catherine faded in and out.
*Ah! So it isn't a she after all:
Bulging reptilian orbs replaced Catherine Bellingham's grief-stricken eyes.
But when they see it as a she-ghost, the reader does not know this yet, so I recommend using the HER instead of ITS and THE in that context, and then shifting back to it after this revelation. It's optional, of course. Just a thought!
*
At the periphery of her vision, a white flash appeared--moving from right to left--and entered the apparition.
Why dashes here?I think commas would suffice:
At the periphery of her vision, a white flash appeared,moving from right to left, and entered the apparition.
After a battle raging on for hours, this is a very mild description of its climax:
At last, the angel bested the demon and dragged it, screaming its rage, upward through the ceiling.
I think this is summed up too succinctly. The scene calls for a descriptive crescendo to this climactic conclusion. Perhaps one paragraph describing the way the angel bested the demon prior to dragging it through the ceiling would be apropos?
*optional comma--suggested because it's how it
sounds' read aloud:
"Because(,) in my vision of the murder in the tunnel's main chamber,
*"How is what you saw relevant to what's going on right now.(?)
*
The shadows in the room thickened, and Mia felt cold to her core. (GOOD PLACE FOR A SIMILE)!
*
Outrage churned in Mike's gut as he watched Luke's radial transceiver melt into a twisted heap on the floor.
GOOD PLACE FOR A SIMILE
Outrage churned in Mike's gut like the center of a whirlpool (or, like a tornado, etc).
Enjoyed reading you again! Looking forward to reading more soon. It's great to see how much your writing has improved over time.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
 |
Hi dear Bev!
Always fun to read ghost stories. I've missed previous chapters from this book...but it's easy to jump in because your writing is good. Is this a book you'll be sending later for edits?
Anyway, nice to see you posting now, as it's a short visit for me...during the next two days probably I'll spend an hour here once a day...it's nice to catch up--as I'll be swamped again after this weekend.
Actually, still swamped now in terms of editing work, but taking a break from patient rounds for this weekend...fighting off a seasonal flu (monsoons) - and for my ICU patients, flus could kill them!
Hope you're well. Are you panning to send more chapters soon? If so, feel free, as I can always squeeze in intermittent chapters...but quite clients a few are sending full manuscripts all at once. Whew!
NOTES:
What a riveting chapter! Drew me in and held my attention intensely from start to finish. Outstanding pacing. Great balance of narrative and dialog, both of which enhance characterization--which is also superb. Bravo! Superb deep POV style.
*The sound penetrated through her protective barrier and setting her eardrums vibrating.
use verb SET not gerund 'setting'
and set her eardrums vibrating.
or, remove and:
barrier, setting her eardrums vibrating.
Scuttled is such an apt verb choice! Well done!
* Blocking her view of the book(-)covered west wall was a sphere of gray.
* Emma sucked in a sharp breath and(,) without taking her eyes from the object, said, "
What a great simile: It's moving faster than a tornado on steroids."
*"Your courage is born of innocence, but I admire it none-the-less."
nonetheless does not need hyphens.
Good insight on the way those things operate by trying to invoke a negative reaction. I had just such an experience when dealing with friend who had a demonic possession in India back in the late 80's. The entity played such mind games! Have you had direct experience of this too?
* The ghost lifted its hand and gestured Mia to approach. A red mist blurred the lower half of its jaw, but the words that came out were clear.
Since they established it's a female ghost, shouldn't it be HER instead of ITS?
and here, should it be HER EYES rather than THE EYES?--
The look of the eyes shifted from soft and pleading
*spacing typo:
while the features of Catherine faded in and out.
*Ah! So it isn't a she after all:
Bulging reptilian orbs replaced Catherine Bellingham's grief-stricken eyes.
But when they see it as a she-ghost, the reader does not know this yet, so I recommend using the HER instead of ITS and THE in that context, and then shifting back to it after this revelation. It's optional, of course. Just a thought!
*
At the periphery of her vision, a white flash appeared--moving from right to left--and entered the apparition.
Why dashes here?I think commas would suffice:
At the periphery of her vision, a white flash appeared,moving from right to left, and entered the apparition.
After a battle raging on for hours, this is a very mild description of its climax:
At last, the angel bested the demon and dragged it, screaming its rage, upward through the ceiling.
I think this is summed up too succinctly. The scene calls for a descriptive crescendo to this climactic conclusion. Perhaps one paragraph describing the way the angel bested the demon prior to dragging it through the ceiling would be apropos?
*optional comma--suggested because it's how it
sounds' read aloud:
"Because(,) in my vision of the murder in the tunnel's main chamber,
*"How is what you saw relevant to what's going on right now.(?)
*
The shadows in the room thickened, and Mia felt cold to her core. (GOOD PLACE FOR A SIMILE)!
*
Outrage churned in Mike's gut as he watched Luke's radial transceiver melt into a twisted heap on the floor.
GOOD PLACE FOR A SIMILE
Outrage churned in Mike's gut like the center of a whirlpool (or, like a tornado, etc).
Enjoyed reading you again! Looking forward to reading more soon. It's great to see how much your writing has improved over time.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 17-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Hi, Rama. I'm so glad you found the time to check out this re-vamped chapter. I'm going to take all the excellent editorial suggestions I've received this morning, especially yours, and put them into action! I appreciate that you are able to see that my writing is improving. I was quite surprised when I compared what I came up with this time around compared to teh original--and in a nice way.
Thanks, dear friend.
Hugs, Bev
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Thanks, dear Bev! I did not actually have the time...am one day behind (a bit) in my formal edits. But when editing huge manuscripts all in a row (daily), I sometimes need a break to refresh and reboot so I can come to the work with fresh eyes.
So glad you're also happy with your progress. I'm so proud of you!
Thanks for your gracious response!
Love, rd
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You're da bomb, Rama. XX
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You tooo! you ROCK! xx
Comment from Joan E.
Thanks for letting us know your novel is evolving in a different direction--I am glad you are flexible enough to allow it to it to have a "mind" of its own. Thank you also for helping us to pick up the story from the dramatic suspenseful ending of the previous chapter. The description of "two automobiles colliding head-on" certain was a vivid portrayal of the sound. I relished your energetic verbs like "scuttled" and "plucked" plus your revealing another side to Mia's personality and Emma's brave "innocence". I also admired your adding scents to the arrival of the ghastly ghost. The plot certainly thickened with Mia's conclusion about "human helpers" and you left us in even greater suspense by the end of the chapter. Brava! -Joan
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
|
Thanks for letting us know your novel is evolving in a different direction--I am glad you are flexible enough to allow it to it to have a "mind" of its own. Thank you also for helping us to pick up the story from the dramatic suspenseful ending of the previous chapter. The description of "two automobiles colliding head-on" certain was a vivid portrayal of the sound. I relished your energetic verbs like "scuttled" and "plucked" plus your revealing another side to Mia's personality and Emma's brave "innocence". I also admired your adding scents to the arrival of the ghastly ghost. The plot certainly thickened with Mia's conclusion about "human helpers" and you left us in even greater suspense by the end of the chapter. Brava! -Joan
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Hi, Joan. Thank you for all the very positive words in this review and the encouragement it gives me. I really appreciate your taking so much time in helping me out with this project.
Have a good California weekend!
:) Bev
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I am pleased my responses to your work are helpful. Write on and have a wonderful weekend! -Joan
Comment from Jay Squires
This seems like the chapter all the "almost" confrontations was leading to. Very dramatic, suspenseful, taut.
Just a few things:
He stooped to pick it up but fell back as it burns into flames.[I know this is from last chapter, but you switched from the past to the present tense in the above.]
It's center swirled with red and purple lines [ITS center swirled.>> Is not the contraction of IT + IS]
while the features of Catherine faded in and out. [Since you have the passive construction in the earlier part of this sentence, I'd suggest making this active: "while Catherine's features faded in and out.]
Loved this chapter, Bev.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
|
This seems like the chapter all the "almost" confrontations was leading to. Very dramatic, suspenseful, taut.
Just a few things:
He stooped to pick it up but fell back as it burns into flames.[I know this is from last chapter, but you switched from the past to the present tense in the above.]
It's center swirled with red and purple lines [ITS center swirled.>> Is not the contraction of IT + IS]
while the features of Catherine faded in and out. [Since you have the passive construction in the earlier part of this sentence, I'd suggest making this active: "while Catherine's features faded in and out.]
Loved this chapter, Bev.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2015
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Hi, Jay. How very kind of you to look at the chapter with your excellent editorial eye. I really appreciate your suggestions and will add them to the other ones I received this morning when this morning (all good). I do use Grammarly, but it doesn't always catch the kind of issues that your review points out. Still, it's a good tool when I'm composing.
Have a great weekend!
:) Bev
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Bev...
_ Sometimes those who seem the weakest, often prove otherwise. Mia is doing very well.
_ I feel sorry for Emma.
_ I could not be a paranormal. Don't like things that go bump in the night. No, Ma'am!
_ Good writing, A great chapter, my friend.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Hi, Bev...
_ Sometimes those who seem the weakest, often prove otherwise. Mia is doing very well.
_ I feel sorry for Emma.
_ I could not be a paranormal. Don't like things that go bump in the night. No, Ma'am!
_ Good writing, A great chapter, my friend.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Hi, Jax. Thanks so much for reading the chapter. I really appreciate both your insights and your generosity. :) Bev
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You're welcome, my friend. (*<*)
Comment from royowen
Good scribing Bev, the supernatural realm is a mysterious one, no wonder people won't touch it with a kilometre long barge pole. The activity was very frenetic in this episode, the thought of living humans helping Bellingham, though in a disembodied way, lines up with scripture, that human words negative or positive carry power, "the power of death and life is in the tongue..." 18:21, well done, fascinating episode beve. Blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Good scribing Bev, the supernatural realm is a mysterious one, no wonder people won't touch it with a kilometre long barge pole. The activity was very frenetic in this episode, the thought of living humans helping Bellingham, though in a disembodied way, lines up with scripture, that human words negative or positive carry power, "the power of death and life is in the tongue..." 18:21, well done, fascinating episode beve. Blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Hi, Roy. Thanks so much for this insightful review. Yes, I agree the human element can have a definite effect on the demonic. I really appreciate your continued support, my friend.
:) Bev
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My pleasure
Comment from c_lucas
You're have reached a deeper level of demons than I have ever encountered. Your story line is fascinating, but I am wondering if you have prepared for where it is leading you. Your post is well written with good imagery.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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You're have reached a deeper level of demons than I have ever encountered. Your story line is fascinating, but I am wondering if you have prepared for where it is leading you. Your post is well written with good imagery.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Hi, Charlie. Good to hear from you. Hope you are well.
Thanks for the concern, my friend. I cover all the bases, as best I know how, when it comes to keeping my spiritual life in good order. I believe there is a solid precedent for where I'm going with this story, and it's one that needs more exposure.
:) Bev
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Keep up the good work, Bev. Charlie
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I'll do my best, Charlie. Thanks again! :) Bev
Comment from judiverse
Lots of excitement in this. Mia is interesting because although she appears fragile she has a lot of strength. As she tells the specter, "You will not harm this child of God." The apparitions seem to change in a flash and seek control. Both the gals and guys on the team reach the conclusion that old Bellingham is in league with others. Mia is convinced Bellingham has human helpers. The dog really appears from out of nowhere. Maybe it's a ghost dog? You really give readers a sense of the imminent threat the investigators are under. judi
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Lots of excitement in this. Mia is interesting because although she appears fragile she has a lot of strength. As she tells the specter, "You will not harm this child of God." The apparitions seem to change in a flash and seek control. Both the gals and guys on the team reach the conclusion that old Bellingham is in league with others. Mia is convinced Bellingham has human helpers. The dog really appears from out of nowhere. Maybe it's a ghost dog? You really give readers a sense of the imminent threat the investigators are under. judi
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Judi. I appreciate your review and insights. :) Bev
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You're welcome. You're really doing a great job with the action and characterization in this. Mia is my favorite so far. judi
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Thanks, Judi. I have a special feeling for each character, but Mia is probably my favorite. Appreciate it! :)
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You're very welcome. Keep on with your great work on the novel. judi
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Gonna do my best, Judi. :)
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Interesting chapter about ghosts and demons. I like horror stories but this one is more of a science fiction story. I enjoyed reading, Speak of the Devil. You did a very good job!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Interesting chapter about ghosts and demons. I like horror stories but this one is more of a science fiction story. I enjoyed reading, Speak of the Devil. You did a very good job!
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Hi, GBP. Thanks for taking time to read my chapter. It's more a paranormal story than it is horror, I agree. The use of technology is pretty prevalent in the 'industry', so I can see where it might seem scientific. Much appreciated!
:) Bev
Comment from Joyce Crowe
Comment on this post. This is well written and action packed. It peaks the reader's interest and makes them want to read more. Below are a few notes for editing if you are interested.
stay put and wait
I am not sure nonetheless needs to be hphenated.
Library probably should not be capitalized.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Comment on this post. This is well written and action packed. It peaks the reader's interest and makes them want to read more. Below are a few notes for editing if you are interested.
stay put and wait
I am not sure nonetheless needs to be hphenated.
Library probably should not be capitalized.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2015
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Thanks for your review and suggestions, Joyce. I appreciate both.
:) Bev
