Query Letter
I am attempting to query an agent.90 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
I am a brand new member of FanStory, but I've been writing for a very long time. I take the job of reviewing very seriously. I must tell you that I am very stingy with my stars and I am serious and focused about my writing tips to other authors.
I have looked at your profile and realize that you are an extremely accomplished author and I congratulate you on that. Still, it sounds to me like you want and need honest feedback - I hope you will not think me unkind for giving it. The only stipulation is that I ask you to merely consider my opinions as one among the many you have and will receive. (We all know what opinions are worth!)
Let me start from the beginning:
There has never been a single romantic fiction book written that didn't involve sparks and opposites attracting -- this will probably not capture your agent's attention immediately...and that's what you are trying to do from the first sentence. What you want is a 'hook' - the first sentence HAS to make then want to read the next line, and the next and so on..
How about something like... "What happens when a hard-nose, no-nonsense Government Chief, a muddle-headed, vivacious computer geek and the Vegas Drug Cartel collide? A series of fireworks that stretches across three states - some of them of the romantic kind. But will Task Force Chief Matt Patterson be able to keep his hands off the newly hired Danielle 'Dani' Harris' Pretty Little Neck? That's the question explored in this 16 chapter novel I'd love to share with you."
Of course, you'd have to figure it out for yourself - but I think you have a very 'soft' opening. Think about it.
I think your 3rd paragraph could be 'tightened up'. It seems to have some slight contradictions. 'her lack of understanding', then her intelligence. I know it's talking about two different things, but so close together, it seems a juxtaposition. The last line may not be necessary ? It too, goes along with every romance novel...unless you make it more specific.
I hope this info helps somewhat and does not hurt. It is meant in that light. Good luck to you in all endeavors!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Barbara,
I am a brand new member of FanStory, but I've been writing for a very long time. I take the job of reviewing very seriously. I must tell you that I am very stingy with my stars and I am serious and focused about my writing tips to other authors.
I have looked at your profile and realize that you are an extremely accomplished author and I congratulate you on that. Still, it sounds to me like you want and need honest feedback - I hope you will not think me unkind for giving it. The only stipulation is that I ask you to merely consider my opinions as one among the many you have and will receive. (We all know what opinions are worth!)
Let me start from the beginning:
There has never been a single romantic fiction book written that didn't involve sparks and opposites attracting -- this will probably not capture your agent's attention immediately...and that's what you are trying to do from the first sentence. What you want is a 'hook' - the first sentence HAS to make then want to read the next line, and the next and so on..
How about something like... "What happens when a hard-nose, no-nonsense Government Chief, a muddle-headed, vivacious computer geek and the Vegas Drug Cartel collide? A series of fireworks that stretches across three states - some of them of the romantic kind. But will Task Force Chief Matt Patterson be able to keep his hands off the newly hired Danielle 'Dani' Harris' Pretty Little Neck? That's the question explored in this 16 chapter novel I'd love to share with you."
Of course, you'd have to figure it out for yourself - but I think you have a very 'soft' opening. Think about it.
I think your 3rd paragraph could be 'tightened up'. It seems to have some slight contradictions. 'her lack of understanding', then her intelligence. I know it's talking about two different things, but so close together, it seems a juxtaposition. The last line may not be necessary ? It too, goes along with every romance novel...unless you make it more specific.
I hope this info helps somewhat and does not hurt. It is meant in that light. Good luck to you in all endeavors!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you, I will see what I can do.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, barbara, a great job writing this query letter, i hope you have a lot of success with your letter and you find an agent and get published....
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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this is very well written, barbara, a great job writing this query letter, i hope you have a lot of success with your letter and you find an agent and get published....
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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thank you for your encouragement.
Comment from Cairn Destop
I've never been a fan of the post script notation. It should be made part of the letter itself. Just my opinion.
My second thought is that this sounded more like a letter to the publisher than an agent. I would save it for that purpose if the agent route doesn't work. I'm curious to know why the agent's talents were not highlighted since you are attempting to attract his notice.
I do think you did well emphasizing the series and its flexability.
Since I have never submitted such a letter, who am I to say what will, or will not work. I would consider the advice of those who have written similar letters for suggested changes. Best of luck.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I've never been a fan of the post script notation. It should be made part of the letter itself. Just my opinion.
My second thought is that this sounded more like a letter to the publisher than an agent. I would save it for that purpose if the agent route doesn't work. I'm curious to know why the agent's talents were not highlighted since you are attempting to attract his notice.
I do think you did well emphasizing the series and its flexability.
Since I have never submitted such a letter, who am I to say what will, or will not work. I would consider the advice of those who have written similar letters for suggested changes. Best of luck.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Barb writing a Query Letter is not easy to influence a Plushier.
Question did you try going on Goggle and get information of how a Query letter should say about you work?
I will look in you portfolio and read-
Her Pretty Little Neck
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Hello Barb writing a Query Letter is not easy to influence a Plushier.
Question did you try going on Goggle and get information of how a Query letter should say about you work?
I will look in you portfolio and read-
Her Pretty Little Neck
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I purchased two books from Writer's Digest and used their examples.
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Don't give up Barb
If I find anything I will let you know
Gert
Comment from Soledadpaz
Hi, Barbara. I've been researching how to write a query letter and looking for select agents. I came across a website you might find useful. This lady analyzes query letters for their effectiveness. Not saying she will get to everyone, but reading how she evaluates other's query letters might help. MarlaMiller.com. I subscribe to her "Museletter." Hope this helps.
Good luck,
Sole
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Hi, Barbara. I've been researching how to write a query letter and looking for select agents. I came across a website you might find useful. This lady analyzes query letters for their effectiveness. Not saying she will get to everyone, but reading how she evaluates other's query letters might help. MarlaMiller.com. I subscribe to her "Museletter." Hope this helps.
Good luck,
Sole
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
Thank you for the suggestion. I am off to check it out.
Comment from animatqua
I have found that agents are like district attorneys. They want assured results before they go to trial. Approaching them with demographics rather than plot lines is a better way to get their attention.
Who is the target audience? How does this story touch them? Where are the markets for it? Do you have the time, energy, and resources to promote it? Have you been published before? Where? What was the response?
You will have your best chance at getting an gent's attention if you can give them concise, informed answers to these questions.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I have found that agents are like district attorneys. They want assured results before they go to trial. Approaching them with demographics rather than plot lines is a better way to get their attention.
Who is the target audience? How does this story touch them? Where are the markets for it? Do you have the time, energy, and resources to promote it? Have you been published before? Where? What was the response?
You will have your best chance at getting an gent's attention if you can give them concise, informed answers to these questions.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I just used the forms in two books I purched from Writer's Digest.
Comment from Halfree
I suspect you are asking me to look at this letter as one that will prompt me, an agent, to sit up and take notice. Well it is OK but I suspect that a successful agent might get several such letters each day. You say you have completed three other novels about Task Force 385. As an agent I would like to know the status of those novels and if they were successful and if you had an agent for them,and if so why are you looking for a new agent? If your first three novels have not been published, why do you think this one will be any different.
The last paragraph (above Sincerely) is a suck-up paragraph. It is very much like the spoof advertisement on T.V where a guy in a white coat says, "I'm not a doctor but I play one on T.Y..."
Your reading a lot of romance novels and all the stuff about the military..so what. The agent is a business man, he wants to back a winner and to make a buck.
Question, how much do you know about a drug cartel? Ever sat down with a cartel member and talked. Do you get your information on cartels from movies and T.V shows.
Oh,earlier in your letter you mentioned the main character's name,Matt Patterson...Matt, oh really. All the pulp fiction novels are filled with manly name, Matt..like Matt Dillion of Gunsmore fame.
I think you write well, try brutal honesty to get the agent's attention. Something like, I have researched you and from your reputation it appears that you are good at what you do. I am good at what I do and I need an agent. I write, that's what I do best. I write well and I know you do your job well, I have researched your reputation.....
Something like that.
OK hope this helps.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I suspect you are asking me to look at this letter as one that will prompt me, an agent, to sit up and take notice. Well it is OK but I suspect that a successful agent might get several such letters each day. You say you have completed three other novels about Task Force 385. As an agent I would like to know the status of those novels and if they were successful and if you had an agent for them,and if so why are you looking for a new agent? If your first three novels have not been published, why do you think this one will be any different.
The last paragraph (above Sincerely) is a suck-up paragraph. It is very much like the spoof advertisement on T.V where a guy in a white coat says, "I'm not a doctor but I play one on T.Y..."
Your reading a lot of romance novels and all the stuff about the military..so what. The agent is a business man, he wants to back a winner and to make a buck.
Question, how much do you know about a drug cartel? Ever sat down with a cartel member and talked. Do you get your information on cartels from movies and T.V shows.
Oh,earlier in your letter you mentioned the main character's name,Matt Patterson...Matt, oh really. All the pulp fiction novels are filled with manly name, Matt..like Matt Dillion of Gunsmore fame.
I think you write well, try brutal honesty to get the agent's attention. Something like, I have researched you and from your reputation it appears that you are good at what you do. I am good at what I do and I need an agent. I write, that's what I do best. I write well and I know you do your job well, I have researched your reputation.....
Something like that.
OK hope this helps.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I will see what I can do.
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Have you really banged out three novels?...Hell, I have trouble getting one short story completed. Wish you well.
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I have more than that. Those are just the ones abou the Task Force.
Comment from c_lucas
This has all the ingrediants of be a very strong book. Newspapers have reported agents killed in the line of duty. "Q" letters are hard to write, but you are off to a good start.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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This has all the ingrediants of be a very strong book. Newspapers have reported agents killed in the line of duty. "Q" letters are hard to write, but you are off to a good start.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Thank you for your review.
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Upi're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from ravenriter
I've written more than a few query letters and know what a struggle it can be. You know in your head (and your heart) just what you want to convey about your work, but sometimes the ideas get tangled on the paper!
I feel this one needs a bit of pruning and a bit of realigning. I would use the second paragraph as the first paragraph, start off with: "Colonel Matt Patterson ..." In the third para., I would introduce Dani and move your first para. down to the fourth position. Present both your main characters, and then convey the information: when they met, romantic sparks flew.
I would follow that with, "Dani's impulsiveness ..." with a bit of restructuring. You don't need to tell, here, what Matt feels. That should be evident, and anyway, the prospective Agent can figure that out, if anyone can.
You want to strive for a light, sure, very confident tone. I would not necessarily say, "I am querying you for a couple of reasons." I would indicate something more like, "You have been recommended to me by two sources ..." Remember, this Agent will be fortunate to get the chance to work with you!!! She should be pleased to hear she's been recommended.
Definitely include the information near the end that you are a military spouse as that lends validity to the content of this Romantic Suspense.
I don't like the line, "she had broken through his disciplined armor" -- just doesn't seem to fit!
Best of luck, and I wish you success!
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I've written more than a few query letters and know what a struggle it can be. You know in your head (and your heart) just what you want to convey about your work, but sometimes the ideas get tangled on the paper!
I feel this one needs a bit of pruning and a bit of realigning. I would use the second paragraph as the first paragraph, start off with: "Colonel Matt Patterson ..." In the third para., I would introduce Dani and move your first para. down to the fourth position. Present both your main characters, and then convey the information: when they met, romantic sparks flew.
I would follow that with, "Dani's impulsiveness ..." with a bit of restructuring. You don't need to tell, here, what Matt feels. That should be evident, and anyway, the prospective Agent can figure that out, if anyone can.
You want to strive for a light, sure, very confident tone. I would not necessarily say, "I am querying you for a couple of reasons." I would indicate something more like, "You have been recommended to me by two sources ..." Remember, this Agent will be fortunate to get the chance to work with you!!! She should be pleased to hear she's been recommended.
Definitely include the information near the end that you are a military spouse as that lends validity to the content of this Romantic Suspense.
I don't like the line, "she had broken through his disciplined armor" -- just doesn't seem to fit!
Best of luck, and I wish you success!
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I will work on it. The reason the first paragraph is there is because both books I used for examples said I need to start with that type of a hook. I will research more.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Barbara .....
What you have written here, to impress an agent with a view to getting your work published, is very clearly and well explained. What I think may be lacking is possibly reference to an initial rejection slip from the agent. Clearly, in the closing lines of this letter, you are pointing out why you disagree with his or her summing up of your writing.
There is just one small change to suggest ...
* You have - He prides himself in being determined ....
This is usually written as - He prides himself on being determined ....
I wish you great success with such letters if and when you find it necessary to do battle with agents or publishers.
Love from ...... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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Hullo Barbara .....
What you have written here, to impress an agent with a view to getting your work published, is very clearly and well explained. What I think may be lacking is possibly reference to an initial rejection slip from the agent. Clearly, in the closing lines of this letter, you are pointing out why you disagree with his or her summing up of your writing.
There is just one small change to suggest ...
* You have - He prides himself in being determined ....
This is usually written as - He prides himself on being determined ....
I wish you great success with such letters if and when you find it necessary to do battle with agents or publishers.
Love from ...... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2011
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2011
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I made the change and thank you for your encouraging words.
