The Angels
contest entry4 total reviews
Comment from Minglement
Wow, another stunning entry for this contest. Such a powerful story, so beautifully told with a great ending. A real contender. Good luck in the contest. Marcia
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Wow, another stunning entry for this contest. Such a powerful story, so beautifully told with a great ending. A real contender. Good luck in the contest. Marcia
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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T/you.
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You are welcome :) Marcia
Comment from Ricky1024
The Angel's
This is a soft spot for me because of my Angel in Heaven, Jason.This piece is filled with a touching conversation between papa(Deceased) and his little boy.
Content-*****excellent but not exceptional.
A little too brief but effective.
Flow-*****Very easy reading
Grammar/pronunciation/pronunciation ****You need to make Angels (Angel's}
Adjective content****Color it up a bit
you have theses subjects to chose
#1-The Angel
A-Silvery Winged
B-Arch or guardian
C-Male or female
D-Name(ex.#1)-
{guardian} 7{only}- Micheal, Gabriel,Izrial,Israfil.
(arch} Many -Abbadon{King},Abigor{the commander of
Legions,Asmodeus{Demon of Wrath},
Azazel, Beelzebub{former high heaven
angel},Gergon{giant centaur guardian
of Hell,Lucifer,Samuel Angel of death
Zagan{Demon King commander of 33Legions
and so many more!
#2-The boy
#3-Papa
Ricky1024.poet/writer/artist/High Mormon Priest/Prophet
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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The Angel's
This is a soft spot for me because of my Angel in Heaven, Jason.This piece is filled with a touching conversation between papa(Deceased) and his little boy.
Content-*****excellent but not exceptional.
A little too brief but effective.
Flow-*****Very easy reading
Grammar/pronunciation/pronunciation ****You need to make Angels (Angel's}
Adjective content****Color it up a bit
you have theses subjects to chose
#1-The Angel
A-Silvery Winged
B-Arch or guardian
C-Male or female
D-Name(ex.#1)-
{guardian} 7{only}- Micheal, Gabriel,Izrial,Israfil.
(arch} Many -Abbadon{King},Abigor{the commander of
Legions,Asmodeus{Demon of Wrath},
Azazel, Beelzebub{former high heaven
angel},Gergon{giant centaur guardian
of Hell,Lucifer,Samuel Angel of death
Zagan{Demon King commander of 33Legions
and so many more!
#2-The boy
#3-Papa
Ricky1024.poet/writer/artist/High Mormon Priest/Prophet
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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what a cool response. Give my regards to my family.
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I hope that you get the opportunity to preview my current works, Example-Angelic Angelic/Souls/and a "Ladder.Ricky1024.
Comment from ScarletClearwater
This entry started out promising and then became so sad. There were strong emotions at first, but I feel they were lost towards the ending. There are word restrictions, which is difficult, but it's important to get a strong message across quickly, thus the challenge. I like how you described the intertwining of their fingertips. I was confused by this: If the boy knew his grandpa was ill, why would he ask him to go fishing? I also don't understand why grandpa's strength to live was compromised by holding his child's hand. And what was he hoping to spare the child from? I also would have like the ending to match what grandpa said about the boy watching the angels take him away. That would have been a nice closer. Instead, they bless the child and release the man, which doesn't tell me why the child was blessed. Did he see the angels take his grandpa away? And grandpa was released from life, but there was no mention of what happened after that. I assume he went to Heaven, but I needed to see that. Very nice thoughts, sad, that this is a reality to some. This piece made me think about loss and appreciate those around me. For today at least...he he he
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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This entry started out promising and then became so sad. There were strong emotions at first, but I feel they were lost towards the ending. There are word restrictions, which is difficult, but it's important to get a strong message across quickly, thus the challenge. I like how you described the intertwining of their fingertips. I was confused by this: If the boy knew his grandpa was ill, why would he ask him to go fishing? I also don't understand why grandpa's strength to live was compromised by holding his child's hand. And what was he hoping to spare the child from? I also would have like the ending to match what grandpa said about the boy watching the angels take him away. That would have been a nice closer. Instead, they bless the child and release the man, which doesn't tell me why the child was blessed. Did he see the angels take his grandpa away? And grandpa was released from life, but there was no mention of what happened after that. I assume he went to Heaven, but I needed to see that. Very nice thoughts, sad, that this is a reality to some. This piece made me think about loss and appreciate those around me. For today at least...he he he
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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should have been his death compromise and your average rating is kindly and deliciously humbling.
Comment from Janie King
Wow, that's a surprise ending but it could happen, maybe has even happened. A little bit surprising that there weren't other adults around with the old man being so sick. Good job. God bless.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Wow, that's a surprise ending but it could happen, maybe has even happened. A little bit surprising that there weren't other adults around with the old man being so sick. Good job. God bless.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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They were in the other room moaning about their loss and fears, while the little hero faced his own. Thanks.
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Figure out some simple way to say that because that is the most important part of the story, while the little hero faced his own fears..that's a great part of the wtory. God bless.
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While I appreciate your reaction to this little blip, I hardly think you have experienced very many losses. Thhis child in particular, as none should really be, was not afraid at all because he got to sleep in his grandpa's arms while he died. Saying goodbye for kids, explaining death and potentially, despite your God Bless, a vacuum, a nothingness, at best the loss of pain or the glory of Heaven, at worse a complete vacuum.
I have no problem being sent back to the secretarial pool in the writing game, but I don't think I need to turn a trusting little boy, content to sleep in his grandfather's arms, into a grightened lunatic who is scared that gramps will fry in Hell because he had one too many beers.
It is a point of view and you might grade me right down to bus boy, but your creative input is not relevant.
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I'm not sure what your problem is = you said it was the way- nevr mind. I thought it was delightful the child crawled up into his grandpa's arms. Your issue really isn't with me. I humbly apology for getting involved in this piece at all.
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I apologizw as well, its how I found my son.
