Adrift
a contest entry about loneliness122 total reviews
Comment from DIS-illusioned
--Interesting picture image. A broken heart.
--"Lying here alone,
Night after night by your side,"
A little conflict in idea/imagery here. You are not alone, if you are by his/her side. Or, did you want someone else there with both of you? Unless the 'alone' is metaphoric for the state of your mind?
--"Tattered like storm-shattered sails."
Good simile.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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--Interesting picture image. A broken heart.
--"Lying here alone,
Night after night by your side,"
A little conflict in idea/imagery here. You are not alone, if you are by his/her side. Or, did you want someone else there with both of you? Unless the 'alone' is metaphoric for the state of your mind?
--"Tattered like storm-shattered sails."
Good simile.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. And yes, the point of the poem is that you can be lonely & alone, even if there are others in the room (or bed) with you. Glad you liked the last line - that is my favorite, too.
have a great week - sherry
Comment from Darla9
Beautiful! I could feel sadness and longing for lost love. Amazing job, and the artwork that you chose works very well with the poem, great job.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Beautiful! I could feel sadness and longing for lost love. Amazing job, and the artwork that you chose works very well with the poem, great job.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Thanks, Darla, for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Piggies Grandma
This poem is full of emotion and it is very sad. It is very cleverly written and very well thought out. I enjoyed reading it.
Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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This poem is full of emotion and it is very sad. It is very cleverly written and very well thought out. I enjoyed reading it.
Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sherry, this is sad indeed. I was hoping for a contrast though, for line 4, such as true versus (false); warm versus cold. The simile in line 5 is great, and the whole tanka gives me a vivid picture of an unloved woman.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Hi, Sherry, this is sad indeed. I was hoping for a contrast though, for line 4, such as true versus (false); warm versus cold. The simile in line 5 is great, and the whole tanka gives me a vivid picture of an unloved woman.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Hi Belinda - Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. I went back & forth with the 4th line (I think I, too, wanted the contrast you mentioned). But 'warm' seemed too passive a word for what I was looking for and I had used 'hot' in the previous line. That is why I used 'true' - it might not have the direct contrast, however it gave the line the meaning I was looking for. I do understand what you were saying in your review and so wanted to give you a line on my thought processes with the writing of the poem. I truly do value comments such as the ones you made because they often lead me to re-evaluate the work I've done and grow as a writer.
Thanks again and have a great week - sherry
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Hi, Sherry. I know you must have gone through a difficult process when writing the poem, so pardon me ... :) Thanks for replying.
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Definitely no pardon needed, Belinda - I am sorry if I gave that impression! Comments are always carefully considered, just not always acted upon (for better or worse ...)
hugs - sherry
Comment from Kevin C
Excellent write where you capture loneliness so well. You poem flows so well and reads so heartfelt. I love you last line and the image you portray. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Excellent write where you capture loneliness so well. You poem flows so well and reads so heartfelt. I love you last line and the image you portray. Nicely done.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Afternoon, Kevin - Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from gazzagodbod
wow what a deep poem i loved it the picture is great and compliments the words well thank you so much for sharing it gazzagodbod
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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wow what a deep poem i loved it the picture is great and compliments the words well thank you so much for sharing it gazzagodbod
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Diny
oKAY i ABSOLUTLY LOVED YOUR POEM- i HAVE read and written some meloncoly verseand writes and they always sort of have a haunting feeling- I didn't even bother with counting the strict style tanka rules i liked it that much-
alone while night aftewr night by your side- WOW so expressive- then the the tattered sails was really great too- good luck in the contest- WRITE ON-Di
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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oKAY i ABSOLUTLY LOVED YOUR POEM- i HAVE read and written some meloncoly verseand writes and they always sort of have a haunting feeling- I didn't even bother with counting the strict style tanka rules i liked it that much-
alone while night aftewr night by your side- WOW so expressive- then the the tattered sails was really great too- good luck in the contest- WRITE ON-Di
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Hi Di - Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. Your kind words are appreciated and it seems that the poem evoked exactly the emotions I was going for!
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from God's Writer
An interesting style of poetry to spell out loneliness. You have really put your feelings and emotions into this poem. The mind pictures you create are very vivid. It is suspiring how much you can say with such few words.
Great job!!!!
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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An interesting style of poetry to spell out loneliness. You have really put your feelings and emotions into this poem. The mind pictures you create are very vivid. It is suspiring how much you can say with such few words.
Great job!!!!
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
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Thank you for sharing it with me.
Comment from LKM2009
Wow, the image produced by your last line is perfect. I've just read your poem again and feel it necessary to change this too a six star. Very well done.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Wow, the image produced by your last line is perfect. I've just read your poem again and feel it necessary to change this too a six star. Very well done.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. Also for the 6 stars (ALWAYS appreciated!)
Hope you have a great week - sherry
Comment from kiwisteveh
Nice Tanka - good luck with it in the contest.
You begin with the apparent contradiction of 'alone/by your side' and continue with the striking imagery of the third line. Your simile to end is very strong as well, although I have just the tiniest quibble over whether sails would be 'shattered' - even though it is a great rhyme for the earlier 'tattered'
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Nice Tanka - good luck with it in the contest.
You begin with the apparent contradiction of 'alone/by your side' and continue with the striking imagery of the third line. Your simile to end is very strong as well, although I have just the tiniest quibble over whether sails would be 'shattered' - even though it is a great rhyme for the earlier 'tattered'
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. I will be honest with you - I changed the last line about fifteen times, more because I wasn't sure which order I wanted the words in than because I was not sure of using the term shattered. Definition-wise shattered works, but I bet I changed the words 'tattered' and 'shattered' around at least 15 times and finally decided this is the way it seemed to read the best, IMO. My husband wanted the line to read "shattered as storm-battered sails" however I didn't want people to get the idea that the woman was being beaten instead of ignored. Anyway - that's the story behind the last line. Hope it clarifies the thought process behind the work a bit and that the last line didn't detract too much from your enjoyment of the piece. I love getting reviews like this because they make think about the piece again through new eyes.
Have a great week - sherry
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Glad to hear your husband is helping - at least he's not the one being referred to then!!
of course the words don't HAVE to rhyme. Could I throw 'storm-shredded' into the mix?
Steve
PS I don't want you to make your Tanka too good - I have an entry in as well!! :o)
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Yeah - We went through a couple of weeks where he was under an incredible amount of stress at work & very uncommunicative & distant. Fortunately it wasn't a problem with the relationship, but I used the lonely feeling to build this poem.
Good luck to us both in the contest - sherry
