Adrift
a contest entry about loneliness122 total reviews
Comment from mumsyone
Lying here alone,
Night after night by your side,
Hot tears flood my soul.
Your love, once true, now grown cold -
Tattered like storm-shattered sails.
Your poem is heartfelt and sad, but very descriptive. I like the picture presented by "storm-shattered sails."
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
  |
Lying here alone,
Night after night by your side,
Hot tears flood my soul.
Your love, once true, now grown cold -
Tattered like storm-shattered sails.
Your poem is heartfelt and sad, but very descriptive. I like the picture presented by "storm-shattered sails."
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A very colorful poem and you have written it beautifully
But I don't know how to count the syllabi's but it's a good poem. Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
|
A very colorful poem and you have written it beautifully
But I don't know how to count the syllabi's but it's a good poem. Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Hi Mary - Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift. Syllable count for the tanka poem is 5-7-5-7-7. I think I know where you question is, since I had to look them up to be sure - tattered & shattered are both considered 2 syllables in three different dictionaries, if that helps you make sense of my syllable count ...
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from templecone
I find that I want to change that fourth line so that the third line can swing between lines 1-2 and 4-5 (that is, line 3 needs to work grammatically as the end of lines 1-2 and as the beginning of lines 4-5). If line four read "And your love is now grown cold" you wouldn't lose much in content (obviously the love was more effective before) and then your last three lines would work together seamlessly.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
 |
I find that I want to change that fourth line so that the third line can swing between lines 1-2 and 4-5 (that is, line 3 needs to work grammatically as the end of lines 1-2 and as the beginning of lines 4-5). If line four read "And your love is now grown cold" you wouldn't lose much in content (obviously the love was more effective before) and then your last three lines would work together seamlessly.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. I looked over the poem with your comments in mind & just don't feel the flow & strength of the poem would be served by the changes. I do, however, appreciate the suggestions.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from WilliamDeen
Your love, once true, now grown cold -
Tattered like storm-shattered sails.
What a powerful simile is that!!!
Hot tears flood my soul. flood as the verb is very strong... EXCELLENT
Your poem is GREAT! Thanks for sharing... Pamela
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
|
Your love, once true, now grown cold -
Tattered like storm-shattered sails.
What a powerful simile is that!!!
Hot tears flood my soul. flood as the verb is very strong... EXCELLENT
Your poem is GREAT! Thanks for sharing... Pamela
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Thanks, Pamela, for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from despiser
Sherry
This is a nicely threaded contest entry. The last line should especially notch some votes. Indeed, the worst time is just before and just after the end. I feel you captured that emotion here. Colour theme and artwork enhance the theme very well.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
|
Sherry
This is a nicely threaded contest entry. The last line should especially notch some votes. Indeed, the worst time is just before and just after the end. I feel you captured that emotion here. Colour theme and artwork enhance the theme very well.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. Your comments are appreciated.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Anjoon
This is a beautifully written Tanka. I especially like 'Hot tears flood my soul, Your love...now grown cold'.. The heat of the image against what appears to be a cold background of tears is the perfect image pairing here. Good luck to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
|
This is a beautifully written Tanka. I especially like 'Hot tears flood my soul, Your love...now grown cold'.. The heat of the image against what appears to be a cold background of tears is the perfect image pairing here. Good luck to you in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. Glad you liked it!
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Gert sherwood
Good day to you sherrygreywolf
Your tanka poem read so nice and flows so well. ( I like the simplicity of your pathos words)
Good luck in the contest- there are loads of entries.
Gert
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
|
Good day to you sherrygreywolf
Your tanka poem read so nice and flows so well. ( I like the simplicity of your pathos words)
Good luck in the contest- there are loads of entries.
Gert
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Hi Gert - Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift. I am sure there are lots of entries and though it would be nice to win, I am just proud of how this piece turned out and the response from the reviewers. Question - on the site-sponsored contests, how do you know how many entries there are? Do you have an inside track or do you just know lots of the people entering? Just curious, but I've always wished I had access to who was entering even if I couldn't see their work.
Have a great week - sherry
-
Hi sherry ( I really don't know) You could contact Tom here on Fanstory and ask him
Gert
Comment from Matoshka
This felt so sad and lonely. Lying next to the one you love with all your heart, never reaches for you and is far away in heart and soul. Loved your picture and words. Blessings and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
|
This felt so sad and lonely. Lying next to the one you love with all your heart, never reaches for you and is far away in heart and soul. Loved your picture and words. Blessings and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift.
have a great week - sherry
-
You are so welcome. Blessings
Comment from sasil
Oh, BravO on this one, Sherry! You've well captured the pain of love's flame dying out. Love the broken heart artwork and choice of font, color and background. Best wishes in the contest--your words pierce the heart.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
|
Oh, BravO on this one, Sherry! You've well captured the pain of love's flame dying out. Love the broken heart artwork and choice of font, color and background. Best wishes in the contest--your words pierce the heart.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Thanks so much for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. I had looked for a picture of a sailboat with a torn sail, but couldn't find one - decided that a broken heart would have to do ...
have a great day - sherry
Comment from chita
Your author notes are superb-you have good imagery and a good flow with your tanka poem-you convey in your poem the hurt of loneliness-lying in bed-night after night--tears flow--I love where you write(Your love, once true, now grown cold) you accomplished your goal about loneliness and how painful it is--great job.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
|
Your author notes are superb-you have good imagery and a good flow with your tanka poem-you convey in your poem the hurt of loneliness-lying in bed-night after night--tears flow--I love where you write(Your love, once true, now grown cold) you accomplished your goal about loneliness and how painful it is--great job.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
Thanks so much, chita, for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift.
have a great day - sherry
