Adrift
a contest entry about loneliness122 total reviews
Comment from miss joyce
Well, good for you, that you stop and take into consideration the true facts. Life can be tough...
I think this is a fine tanka contest entry. You express with strong imagery the loneliness when shut out but, with understanding you wait until the mood passes. Best wishes!
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Well, good for you, that you stop and take into consideration the true facts. Life can be tough...
I think this is a fine tanka contest entry. You express with strong imagery the loneliness when shut out but, with understanding you wait until the mood passes. Best wishes!
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Morning, Miss Joyce - Thanks for taking the time to read & review my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
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It's always a pleasure!!!
Comment from Laurie Clayton
I'm sure most couples will
be able to relate to the thoughts
and emotions that you have penned
in this poem.
Very nicely composed and presented.
I did wonder if you had thought about swapping the
positions of 'tattered' and 'shattered' as to me
sails are 'tattered' just a personal thought, and not
a suggested change.
A lovely poem. (i'm glad things are ok now)
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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I'm sure most couples will
be able to relate to the thoughts
and emotions that you have penned
in this poem.
Very nicely composed and presented.
I did wonder if you had thought about swapping the
positions of 'tattered' and 'shattered' as to me
sails are 'tattered' just a personal thought, and not
a suggested change.
A lovely poem. (i'm glad things are ok now)
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Morning Laurie - Thanks for taking the time to read & review my poem, Adrift. I actually went back and forth with that line about 2 dozen times, even going so far as to look up all possible definitions for both words, before deciding on their placement in the poem - it was hard but I think using 'tattered' to describe the relationship put the line's meaning closer to what I was looking for. I appreciate your thoughts - I often give similar feedback about word usage and understand that it is just a 'personal' thing. Again - thank you for the comment and taking the time to read my work.
Have a great week - sherry
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It was my pleasure and thank you for considering my thoughts in the spirit in which they were intended and for sharing your thought process of your choice with me, i really appreciate it.
Comment from laren
A beautiful poem Tanka, the feeling of helplessness is very well communicated. I repeat, is very beautiful and very well written, it is also very sad. (by the way, thank you for your author notes)
Congratulations!
Laren
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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A beautiful poem Tanka, the feeling of helplessness is very well communicated. I repeat, is very beautiful and very well written, it is also very sad. (by the way, thank you for your author notes)
Congratulations!
Laren
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Morning, Laren - Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
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Thank you for sharing, I wish you the best.
Laren
Comment from alexgardiner
Your love, once true, now grown cold -
Tattered like storm-shattered sails.
Sad but a very descriptive and succinct tale.
The Auld Yin.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Your love, once true, now grown cold -
Tattered like storm-shattered sails.
Sad but a very descriptive and succinct tale.
The Auld Yin.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Morning, Alex - Thanks for taking the time to read & review my poem, Adrift. Glad you enjoyed it enough to deem it worthy of a 6!
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Mithma
This is beautifull. It desplay your feelings for your fading love so well. No resentment at all. Just your misery. You missed six because I couldn't think why you say "Lying here alone" when your next line says "Night after night by your side" Anyway good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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This is beautifull. It desplay your feelings for your fading love so well. No resentment at all. Just your misery. You missed six because I couldn't think why you say "Lying here alone" when your next line says "Night after night by your side" Anyway good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift. To clarify the first 2 lines - it is possible to be in the same room (or bed) with someone and feel lonely. The wording of the 2 lines was supposed to show the distance that the speaker felt had developed in the relationship. Hopefully my explanation will allow you to enjoy the poem a little more on another read through ...
Have a great week - sherry
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Thank you. I get you, but I still think 'lying here alone' means a physical location, not a mentality. (just the way I get it)
Comment from Thoughtician
So good...evokes strong emotions and images. "Hot tears flood my soul. Your love, once true, now grown cold"...the pain is visceral! Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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So good...evokes strong emotions and images. "Hot tears flood my soul. Your love, once true, now grown cold"...the pain is visceral! Well done.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & review my poem, Adrift. Glad you enjoyed it.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from nancyjam
This is a beautiful but sad Tanka.
The emotions evoked are real and
I'm sure felt by many at one time or another.
I like the simile of the tattered sail and the
rhyme in the last line.
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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This is a beautiful but sad Tanka.
The emotions evoked are real and
I'm sure felt by many at one time or another.
I like the simile of the tattered sail and the
rhyme in the last line.
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Morning, Nancyjam - Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from wackyajax
I liked the way you linked lying alone whilst lying next to someone. That hit the reader sharply and when your next line was about your soul crying one had to feel for you. The next two lines were full of sorrow and lost love making the reader aware of how easy it is to loose someones love. This is a thoughtful poem. I think you could leave out the dash after cold there's no need for it. A great poem.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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I liked the way you linked lying alone whilst lying next to someone. That hit the reader sharply and when your next line was about your soul crying one had to feel for you. The next two lines were full of sorrow and lost love making the reader aware of how easy it is to loose someones love. This is a thoughtful poem. I think you could leave out the dash after cold there's no need for it. A great poem.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Good morning - Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. I will take a look at my punctuation - thanks for pointing out the possible change. Again - thank you for reading!
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from azwildrosa
such a sad heartbreaking poem. nothing worse than having a significant other no longer love you. this is a wonderful enter for this contest. thank you for sharing and best wishes to you in the booth.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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such a sad heartbreaking poem. nothing worse than having a significant other no longer love you. this is a wonderful enter for this contest. thank you for sharing and best wishes to you in the booth.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from jamma
I can feel the emotion in this poem. Nicely done. Perfect syllable count. I'm certainly glad this isn't true of you and your husband. Nice contest entry.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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I can feel the emotion in this poem. Nicely done. Perfect syllable count. I'm certainly glad this isn't true of you and your husband. Nice contest entry.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & review my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
