color pencils of nature
five/seven/five4 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
Your poem is in excellent 5/7/5 form
I love your use of personification with the laughing rain and spring painting the landscape green with her box of colored pencils - this is just delightful :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
  |
Your poem is in excellent 5/7/5 form
I love your use of personification with the laughing rain and spring painting the landscape green with her box of colored pencils - this is just delightful :-) Brooke
Comment Written 06-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2011
-
thank you very much adewpearl. I've made little changes. Please check it and do reply.
Comment from denhagan
This is a nice attempt at a 5-7-5 poem.
But, the first two lines do not have enough connection. And the third line is a continuation of the second line.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2011
 |
This is a nice attempt at a 5-7-5 poem.
But, the first two lines do not have enough connection. And the third line is a continuation of the second line.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2011
-
Thank you for your valuable advice. It was my first attempt at haiku. Hope I can improve.
-
You're welcome. I'm going to change my review rating for you, since you have a good attitude--I'm raising it another star. ~denhaghan
Comment from sweetwoodjax
saahi, this is to let you know your syllable count is wrong for the contest, your thought is wonderful and creative, just need to change it to fix the required 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. don't name it a haiku because haiku isn't personified, just call it a five/seven/five entry. let me know when you've changed it.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2011
|
saahi, this is to let you know your syllable count is wrong for the contest, your thought is wonderful and creative, just need to change it to fix the required 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. don't name it a haiku because haiku isn't personified, just call it a five/seven/five entry. let me know when you've changed it.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2011
-
thank you very much...I will let you know after correcting it.
-
I have tried to correct it. But I guess it lost the poetic element. Please check it and do reply.
-
you have one extra syllable in first line, maybe change it to
After the rain laughed,
Comment from jehanned
None of the lines fit the count for the contest it was entered into. Normally, I judge a piece on its merit. Since it says haiku in the description, I have to take count into consideration. The piece is also not a haiku.
The first words at the beginning of each line do not fit together. The laughter, after which green began, until... is a fragment of thought and does not complete. The last line could be something like, "Came spring, coloring them diverse"
I think I see what you are reaching for, and the monsoon season turning everything green. After, everything blossoms very quickly. And the blossoming turns the world colors. The words are just a bit difficult, but if you change it so it fits the syllable count and reads more smoothly, let me know and I will reassess.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2011
|
None of the lines fit the count for the contest it was entered into. Normally, I judge a piece on its merit. Since it says haiku in the description, I have to take count into consideration. The piece is also not a haiku.
The first words at the beginning of each line do not fit together. The laughter, after which green began, until... is a fragment of thought and does not complete. The last line could be something like, "Came spring, coloring them diverse"
I think I see what you are reaching for, and the monsoon season turning everything green. After, everything blossoms very quickly. And the blossoming turns the world colors. The words are just a bit difficult, but if you change it so it fits the syllable count and reads more smoothly, let me know and I will reassess.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2011
-
thank you for your valuable advice. I have a lot to learn as far as haiku is concerned.
-
Please read the edited one if you have time. And let me know your review.
-
After the rain laughed
Came spring, with color pencils
And painted her green
I really like the first line! That one is a keeper! Now, if you are ok with it, I think that some work needs to be done on the others.
After the rain laughed,
Spring came with colored pencils
And shaded Earth green
I changed painted to shaded because pencils don't paint. I changed spring and came, because spring is a stronger opening word that grabs attention. I changed her to earth because then your focus is clear, and the reader isn't left to wonder what "her" is. I hope this helps! By the way, great job on changing syllable count! You are almost there! Just need to work on the imagery that the reader sees. Let me know what you think!
-
I must thank you for using your time and expertise on my poem. I loved the way you changed it. And thank you for explaining the reasons for that.
-
I must thank you for using your time and expertise on my poem. I loved the way you changed it. And thank you for explaining the reasons for that.
-
I changed your rating to a 5! Well done!
