Comment from Cumbrianlass

Exceptional

I absolutely love Mia. Would I be far of the mark if I suggested that she is based on yourself, Bev? Great continuation. The opening of this post was especially strong. Great writing - I felt the anger and the evil.

Amazing story by a pretty amazing lady.


Love and hugs,

Av

 Comment Written 12-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014

Av, thanks so very much for this very kind review. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story! And thanks for your words of encouragement.

I've drawn on some personal experience in creating Mia, but I'm not the fragile, petite lady she is! Wish I was, though LoL.

How's your book sales going? I hope you are being inundated with Amazon six star reviews.

I appreciate you!

Love and hugs,

Bev

Comment from amahra

Excellent

I love the way you started you chapter with the slamming fist and the baby crying. It really sucked you in and made you want to read further. I also liked the spooky art work of the lit candle surrounded by darkness. This also had good and realistic dialogue.

 Comment Written 12-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014

Hello, Amahra. I appreciate your generous and encouraging review. Thanks for taking to read. :) Bev

Comment from donaldww

Excellent

First Section:

This scene reads like a prologue, expository material giving the reader historical information necessary to understand the present day story.

The pacing here is excellent. The action starts in medias res as Charles slams his fist into a wall, and tension mounts until the moment he vanishes "into the realm of the unquiet dead."

I wondered about describing the fist as "balled," since most readers already know how to make a fist. What do you think of the more direct--

Charles slammed his fists into the bedroom wall. An infant screamed in terror....

--?

He felt the air grow thick,The air grew thick, followed by a loud crack and a splitting open of the floor at his feet. TeeteringAs he teetered at the edge of a black pit, pleas of the damned and the seductive called of those who knew their own.
(The idea behind these suggestions is based on the idea that a reader experiences a scene better through his/her own senses, rather than filtered through the mind of a protagonist--showing rather than telling the reader.)

Second section:

Mia made no response, and Bernadette sensed she was ready[wanted] to be left alone.

Mia smiled as she heard Luke's whoop
(Mia smiled as Luke whooped at this last statement.
Same reasoning as above)

Great job! The makings of an excellent story.

Cheers,
DW

 Comment Written 12-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014

Thanks so much for the great review, Donald. I agree with your changes and appreciate the suggestions.

The method of introducing this chapter is one that I will use periodically throughout the novel. It worked well in the first chapter, and keeps the reader in touch with the story behind the haunting.

Good to hear from you!

:) Bev

Comment from Joan E.

Excellent

Your opening paragraphs draw us into the scene with your energetic verb choices. Your descriptions of the Tipsy Butler are a fascinating addition to the story as well. Cheers and happy weekend- Joan

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014

Thanks so much, Joan. Hope you're enjoying your weekend as well! :) Bev

reply by Joan E. on 11-Oct-2014

We are in Boston, since my husband's 94-year-old aunt is failing and this may be our last opportunity to be with her. Thanks for your good wishes and hope your weekend is pleasant- Joan

Comment from Donya Quijote

Excellent

I love a good ghost tale. This one seems very intriguing. The intensity is there and is quite possibly enough that I may return to read more, time permitting. I don't think I've ever read your work before so I will have to make an effort to drop by again.

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014

Thank you for the very generous review, DQ. I appreciate you taking time to stop by and read! :) Bev

Comment from Ric Myworld

Excellent

The Tipsy Butler is such a great name for a bed and breakfast. Thanks for another of your well written and entertaining chapters that keep me coming back for more. :-)

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014

Thank YOU, Ric. By all reports, the B&B is wonderful.

Glad you liked the chapter!

:) Bev

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

Someone had told you that you had abandoned this novel. I am glad you did not. You are an excellent author and this shows your talent.

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014

Barbara, thanks so very much. How very kind of you! :) Bev

Comment from livelylinda

Excellent

Writingfundimension: This story is six star worthy but I am out. I've been following the story and truly enjoy it. Your writing makes me feel like I am there, maybe not with them but close enough to see what is going on. The characters are real. I love the ending to this with two specters watching over Mia. You are an excellent writer; in my opinion, anyway. livelylinda

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014

Hello, Linda. I really appreciate your very encouraging review. I'm glad you're enjoying the story, and appreciate your kind insights into the story-telling. I'm honored. :) Bev

Comment from lynglyng

Excellent

Very good, strong writing. I was completely drawn in from beginning to the end. Your word usage and descriptive words make this an easy read that if easy to imagine. Thank you fro sharing your great work.

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014

Hi, lynlyng. I'm very appreciative of your comments and insights. Thanks so much for the gracious review. :) Bev

Comment from Connie C

Exceptional

Hi Bev,
I've been away from FanStory again with family commitments, etc., so I'm picking this up, starting with this chapter. I'll give it my best, given I haven't read the previous chapters. First, let me say that when reading your author's notes, it sounds like there really is a Tipsy Butler B&B and there really has been a team there.

You include such great description throughout that it almost gave me the chills as i read through the chapter. I'm looking forward to reading more. And I think if I were Mia, I wouldn't want to stay behind alone with figures peering over my bed while the others were out to dinner.
Nice work, my friend. I guess this is a rework of something you've previously written--well worth a six star rating,
Hugs,
Connie

 Comment Written 11-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014

Hi, Connie. Thanks, as always, for taking so much time to give me your thoughts and insights into the chapter. I find that so helpful! The B@B is the real deal, but my team is fictional. I actually received a personal message from the owner of The Tipsy Butler back when I first posted it the first time. The breakfast part is true - the reviews for that alone were glowing!

I hope all is well with you and your family. Dare we hope for a post sometime soon?

I really appreciate your awesome and so-generous review, Connie.

Hugs, Bev