Atmore Prison
Character sketch for potential book39 total reviews
Comment from Cairn Destop
Sounds like we have the aww-shucks, bambi-eyed, innocent in here. Though I like the character, I'm not seeing much of a story. He's stuck within the prison without any possible interaction.
If this is going to be a story within the walls of the penetentary, the two are too physically perfect. Weightlifter and martial arts expert. Where is the danger?
If there is an escape, it seems unlikely based on the degree of precautions taken. They remain in such total isolation that I see no opportunities for release that can pass a plausibility test.
I'm sure you have considered those scenarios, so I would be curious enough to visit the initial chapters to learn where the tale will go.
he found him himself = eliminate him
"It's too late for that, Karate Kid. = now I admit not knowing what a "middle block" is, so maybe that is why the guy called him "Karate Kid," but this sounded illogical to me.
reply by the author on 22-May-2011
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Sounds like we have the aww-shucks, bambi-eyed, innocent in here. Though I like the character, I'm not seeing much of a story. He's stuck within the prison without any possible interaction.
If this is going to be a story within the walls of the penetentary, the two are too physically perfect. Weightlifter and martial arts expert. Where is the danger?
If there is an escape, it seems unlikely based on the degree of precautions taken. They remain in such total isolation that I see no opportunities for release that can pass a plausibility test.
I'm sure you have considered those scenarios, so I would be curious enough to visit the initial chapters to learn where the tale will go.
he found him himself = eliminate him
"It's too late for that, Karate Kid. = now I admit not knowing what a "middle block" is, so maybe that is why the guy called him "Karate Kid," but this sounded illogical to me.
Comment Written 21-May-2011
reply by the author on 22-May-2011
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Thanks for reading and your comments. It will not be a story for long behind penetentary walls. I appreciate the spot. I did a correction within the FS editor, which is always dicey. Regards, Bill
Comment from Espresso momma
It is pretty clear Jake was in the wrong place at the wrong time and now there he sits. Or as the bunk mate stated, he came out of the wrong hole.Interesting event. So this may be the prologe? Thanks for the read.
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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It is pretty clear Jake was in the wrong place at the wrong time and now there he sits. Or as the bunk mate stated, he came out of the wrong hole.Interesting event. So this may be the prologe? Thanks for the read.
Comment Written 21-May-2011
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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Thank you for reading. I've outlined an overall story and at least two more chapters, so Jake will be back. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from minopavlic
I see this well crafted tale going in many directions before its conclusion, which is the purpose of any thought provoking crime drama. The story along with the characterization blend nicely.
Thanks for a great read.
Mino
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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I see this well crafted tale going in many directions before its conclusion, which is the purpose of any thought provoking crime drama. The story along with the characterization blend nicely.
Thanks for a great read.
Mino
Comment Written 21-May-2011
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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Thank you Mino - first for reading and then for your kind and generous feedback.
Comment from Artie R. Sandbaggs
You've got an interesting story here with a very important message about society. I believe more art like this is needed today and that if artists want to stay relevant to the world we have to put our craft to good use. You've also created some dynamic characters with distinctly different voices-a sign of good writing in my opinion and something that, when done correctly, helps the readers to suspend their disbelief about the oddity of the scenarios an author describes.
Allow me to give you a few suggestions as to where you might be able to improve this piece. I think I can pretty much sum up my two major points by citing one quote, "As he looked at the stares from guys there, he thought, so much for warm and fuzzy." There are several problems with this sentence that appeared in various other places throughout the story. For one, I thought the line "so much for warm and fuzzy" was a bit hokey. I understand that Jake is a nice guy and relaxed, but this is a college party and I don't think anyone has ever expected that walking into a frat house, not to mention it sounds too cheesy to be something even he would say. I'm not opposed to the idea that you choose to make him sarcastic there, but I think you could've used it more appropriately for the situation. Also the earlier part of the sentence, "As he looked at the stares from guys there", not only does that sound choppy but "looking" at "stares" seems a bit strange standing next to each other in the line. I would take at least one of them out and use more evocative words. For instance you could have said, "As he made his way through the crowd he could sense their glares in the corners of his vision, and thought, this party looks freaking awesome" or "at least everyone's in a good mood". As I have been in less violent situations that resemble this one, I something along those would be more truthful and the description better written. I always proof read what I read dozens of times, taking breaks in between, reading silently or out loud, having someone proof read it for me before I do editing. Even the best authors in the world make small mistakes. I found a number of these mingling throughout your prose and with a few proof reads I think you could tighten it up.
Overall though, great job. It seems this story has resonated with many others on this site.
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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You've got an interesting story here with a very important message about society. I believe more art like this is needed today and that if artists want to stay relevant to the world we have to put our craft to good use. You've also created some dynamic characters with distinctly different voices-a sign of good writing in my opinion and something that, when done correctly, helps the readers to suspend their disbelief about the oddity of the scenarios an author describes.
Allow me to give you a few suggestions as to where you might be able to improve this piece. I think I can pretty much sum up my two major points by citing one quote, "As he looked at the stares from guys there, he thought, so much for warm and fuzzy." There are several problems with this sentence that appeared in various other places throughout the story. For one, I thought the line "so much for warm and fuzzy" was a bit hokey. I understand that Jake is a nice guy and relaxed, but this is a college party and I don't think anyone has ever expected that walking into a frat house, not to mention it sounds too cheesy to be something even he would say. I'm not opposed to the idea that you choose to make him sarcastic there, but I think you could've used it more appropriately for the situation. Also the earlier part of the sentence, "As he looked at the stares from guys there", not only does that sound choppy but "looking" at "stares" seems a bit strange standing next to each other in the line. I would take at least one of them out and use more evocative words. For instance you could have said, "As he made his way through the crowd he could sense their glares in the corners of his vision, and thought, this party looks freaking awesome" or "at least everyone's in a good mood". As I have been in less violent situations that resemble this one, I something along those would be more truthful and the description better written. I always proof read what I read dozens of times, taking breaks in between, reading silently or out loud, having someone proof read it for me before I do editing. Even the best authors in the world make small mistakes. I found a number of these mingling throughout your prose and with a few proof reads I think you could tighten it up.
Overall though, great job. It seems this story has resonated with many others on this site.
Comment Written 21-May-2011
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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Hi Artie - thanks for reading and for your comments. I do of course, edit and re-edit many times before I post. I see your point about the one section, not such a problem with the "warm and fuzzy", which was meant as sarcasm, but the looked at the stares, which I will re-write. I don't think I've seen you on the site before, so welcome. Regards, Bill
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haha yes I'm new and yes I knew it was sarcasm, what I was trying to say is that it doesn't seem like believable sarcasm. as in it isn't really something I picture a young man saying, as I am a young man and have been in a similar situation before. nevertheless do with it what you will as it is your baby and a gem at that. thank you for the welcome, I look forward to reading more of your work in the future
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bill. Good to be back. This is a dandy short story.
This is a darn good story, my friend and overall done expertly as usual: A few suggestions. Once in a while we all have a tendency to use too many words that aren't needed)
"This was the time of day where he found his mind racing. He still found it hard to believe that he was actually in prison." ( to avoid repetition of the word "found" change this to "When his mind raced" (Not as passive either)
"again, this time from the front side" (This time from the front."
" Jake smiled and answered" ( smiled and said.) (A good rule of thumb is to always use "he said...she Said" in attributive tags)
Bravo, Bill! Love it. Bob
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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Hi, Bill. Good to be back. This is a dandy short story.
This is a darn good story, my friend and overall done expertly as usual: A few suggestions. Once in a while we all have a tendency to use too many words that aren't needed)
"This was the time of day where he found his mind racing. He still found it hard to believe that he was actually in prison." ( to avoid repetition of the word "found" change this to "When his mind raced" (Not as passive either)
"again, this time from the front side" (This time from the front."
" Jake smiled and answered" ( smiled and said.) (A good rule of thumb is to always use "he said...she Said" in attributive tags)
Bravo, Bill! Love it. Bob
Comment Written 21-May-2011
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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Hi Bob - thanks for the pointers. They all make sense. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
Very sad case. Young people[and sometimes older ones] have no idea how life can change in an instant.I think it could be a good idea for an outline of a longer story. With time to add depth of characters and add some others.Good plan. Well written.
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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Very sad case. Young people[and sometimes older ones] have no idea how life can change in an instant.I think it could be a good idea for an outline of a longer story. With time to add depth of characters and add some others.Good plan. Well written.
Comment Written 20-May-2011
reply by the author on 21-May-2011
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Thanks DD - I've outlined an overall story and have outlines for at least two more chapters, so will most likely keep going. Thanks for the feedback and encouragement. Regards, Bill
Comment from pickthorn
A very interesting story of a young man that wound up in prison because of a freak but fatal injury he inflicted on another person. The accidental death of this person resulted in a long prison sentence for Jake. This story is well written and the interest never wanes.
reply by the author on 20-May-2011
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A very interesting story of a young man that wound up in prison because of a freak but fatal injury he inflicted on another person. The accidental death of this person resulted in a long prison sentence for Jake. This story is well written and the interest never wanes.
Comment Written 20-May-2011
reply by the author on 20-May-2011
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Thanks Pick - I appreciate you reading and for your comments. Regards, Bill
Comment from RebelRose
This should make a very interesting book/story. You made the characters come alive with your descriptions. The reader really feels for Jake and the mess he inadvertently stumbled into.
reply by the author on 20-May-2011
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This should make a very interesting book/story. You made the characters come alive with your descriptions. The reader really feels for Jake and the mess he inadvertently stumbled into.
Comment Written 19-May-2011
reply by the author on 20-May-2011
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Thanks Patty - I've outlined the next few chapters, so Jake will return. Regards, Bill
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Bill, Morgan committed assault and battery. The Danforth boy committed assault and battery. Jake did not push Danforth's nose cartilidge into his brain, showing extrodinary restraint. This is a case of self-defense. You could push it and call Jake guilty of aggrivated assault because of his martial arts knowledge, but the death was purely accidental. These observations follow the definitions in Black's Law Dictionary. Manslaughter is defined: "The unjustifiable, inexcusable and INTENTIONAL killing (my emphasis) of a human being without deliberation, premeditation and malice." Not that you didn't already know it, but Jake has been royally screwed by his lawyer and can sue for a new trial based upon legal malpractice. If a quid pro quo is found to be involved, (money or influence) the judge, both attorneys, and Danforth senior are potentially in career-ending trouble. I'd say Jake has a potentially life-threatening problem to solve. Great plot potential. I'd like to know more about Jake's personality. Well done. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 20-May-2011
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Bill, Morgan committed assault and battery. The Danforth boy committed assault and battery. Jake did not push Danforth's nose cartilidge into his brain, showing extrodinary restraint. This is a case of self-defense. You could push it and call Jake guilty of aggrivated assault because of his martial arts knowledge, but the death was purely accidental. These observations follow the definitions in Black's Law Dictionary. Manslaughter is defined: "The unjustifiable, inexcusable and INTENTIONAL killing (my emphasis) of a human being without deliberation, premeditation and malice." Not that you didn't already know it, but Jake has been royally screwed by his lawyer and can sue for a new trial based upon legal malpractice. If a quid pro quo is found to be involved, (money or influence) the judge, both attorneys, and Danforth senior are potentially in career-ending trouble. I'd say Jake has a potentially life-threatening problem to solve. Great plot potential. I'd like to know more about Jake's personality. Well done. :) Nancy
Comment Written 19-May-2011
reply by the author on 20-May-2011
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Nancy - it is unfair of you to peek at my notes for the next two chapters! Some of what you mention is going to come out. The lawyer was young and naive thought and got bamboozled. I aprreciate you reading and your great comments! Warm regards, Bill
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Malpractice doesn't have to be intentional. Jake has a case! Can't wait to see how this unfolds. :) Nancy
Comment from Lizizme
For a character sketch, this piece is on point. The only suggestion I have is to watch your passive voice ("ly" words) as they lighten up what could be sharp sentences. Otherwise, this story/sketch is well crafted and engaging. I am looking forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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For a character sketch, this piece is on point. The only suggestion I have is to watch your passive voice ("ly" words) as they lighten up what could be sharp sentences. Otherwise, this story/sketch is well crafted and engaging. I am looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 19-May-2011
reply by the author on 19-May-2011
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Thanks for reading and for your observations. Regards, Bill
