Paranormal Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "First Blood"Case Studies of Hauntings
66 total reviews
Comment from livingwords
This continues to be an excellently told tale. I love your voice and your dialogue. Please correct (enlarge) the font for old fogies like me. Very difficult and took away from the outstanding write. Dan :))
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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This continues to be an excellently told tale. I love your voice and your dialogue. Please correct (enlarge) the font for old fogies like me. Very difficult and took away from the outstanding write. Dan :))
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi, Dan. I am so happy that you mentioned the font. I was thinking after I pasted it that I should have made it larger. I am doubly appreciative that you were interested enough to continue reading LOL. Thanks so much your insights and your generosity. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Mia is shaken up but still willing to go back--that's a real trooper and a great team member. I've come in late on this but I think I'll go back and read the beginning. I love these type of stories. Keep up the good work my friend. This is not a easy type of story to write.
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Mia is shaken up but still willing to go back--that's a real trooper and a great team member. I've come in late on this but I think I'll go back and read the beginning. I love these type of stories. Keep up the good work my friend. This is not a easy type of story to write.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Thanks, PT. I really appreciate your insight into the story - it is a challenging prospect. But, I am enjoying myself and love hearing from generous and supportive folks like you. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from rmblnron
Very nice excerpt. It immediately draws you into the story line and with some character development. Very good flow and dialog between characters. The story telling is an enticingly slow reveal that is just fast enough to keep you interested and wanting to read more.
Is the use of "Thatta girl" meant to be slang or is it a typo? (Used in the line: "Thatta girl, Mia, " Luke said. "I was just telling Mike that you would insist on continuing through with this, especially in light of this morning's events.")
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Very nice excerpt. It immediately draws you into the story line and with some character development. Very good flow and dialog between characters. The story telling is an enticingly slow reveal that is just fast enough to keep you interested and wanting to read more.
Is the use of "Thatta girl" meant to be slang or is it a typo? (Used in the line: "Thatta girl, Mia, " Luke said. "I was just telling Mike that you would insist on continuing through with this, especially in light of this morning's events.")
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hello, my friend. I really appreciate your great review. Thank you for your really thorough assesment of the chapter. I did intend to use Thatta girl as a slang. I looked it up just to be sure I wasn't making up a word LOL! Much appreciate your generosity. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from SeLF
With your first sentence, I would like to suggest rearranging the order of it, by putting the info about a spirit speaking through Porter at the beginning, and then the part about their tucking him in. It would make the two events happen chronologically. First, the possession, and then the attending to Porter.
Who has the keys in the next sentence? The way it's written, it sounds like "they" have the keys.
Paragraph 3, the first sentence could be made into two with a period after "side", and the "but" wouldn't be needed.
In the paragraph beginning "Weakly protesting the whole way..." that clause is misplaced because it sounds as though Mike is doing the protesting.
I'm not a doctor, but I think dilated pupils after a head blow are indicative of a concussion. We hear a great deal in the news these days about head injuires in sports like football, hockey, mixed martial arts, etc., which have made me believe that there is no such thing as a "slight concussion". Remember what happened to Natasha Richardson -- walking and talking after falling on a ski run, and dying later of a subdural bleed.
You could get around the whole thing by changing that bit to having her pupils equal and reactive rather than dilated.
This is the first chapter of your book I've read. I really like the character of Emma; she sounds like someone who can take charge and make decisions when everything is in a state of flux, or crisis. Good head on her shoulders.
And what a great name for paranormal investigators: The Trans Atlantic Paranormal Team. Bags packed and ready to go ANYWHERE at a moment's notice. :)
With respect,
SeLF
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reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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With your first sentence, I would like to suggest rearranging the order of it, by putting the info about a spirit speaking through Porter at the beginning, and then the part about their tucking him in. It would make the two events happen chronologically. First, the possession, and then the attending to Porter.
Who has the keys in the next sentence? The way it's written, it sounds like "they" have the keys.
Paragraph 3, the first sentence could be made into two with a period after "side", and the "but" wouldn't be needed.
In the paragraph beginning "Weakly protesting the whole way..." that clause is misplaced because it sounds as though Mike is doing the protesting.
I'm not a doctor, but I think dilated pupils after a head blow are indicative of a concussion. We hear a great deal in the news these days about head injuires in sports like football, hockey, mixed martial arts, etc., which have made me believe that there is no such thing as a "slight concussion". Remember what happened to Natasha Richardson -- walking and talking after falling on a ski run, and dying later of a subdural bleed.
You could get around the whole thing by changing that bit to having her pupils equal and reactive rather than dilated.
This is the first chapter of your book I've read. I really like the character of Emma; she sounds like someone who can take charge and make decisions when everything is in a state of flux, or crisis. Good head on her shoulders.
And what a great name for paranormal investigators: The Trans Atlantic Paranormal Team. Bags packed and ready to go ANYWHERE at a moment's notice. :)
With respect,
SeLF
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Thank you for your review. I will take your suggestions into consideration and appreciate you taking the time.
Comment from Bellringer
Another very well written chapter filled with "hot spots" of tension. This installment is a very good set-up for the challenges this team is going to find within the foreboding manor. Blessings, Hector
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Another very well written chapter filled with "hot spots" of tension. This installment is a very good set-up for the challenges this team is going to find within the foreboding manor. Blessings, Hector
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi, Hector. Thank you very much for your great review. I appreciate your reading the chapter and offering your words of support. I'm glad you liked it...Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Blessings, Hector
Comment from Showboat
Hey Bev,
This is an excellent chapter. Writing is very tight and I didn't see spaggies or anything that needs attention.
Good job, I'm off for more!
Hugs,
Gaylae
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hey Bev,
This is an excellent chapter. Writing is very tight and I didn't see spaggies or anything that needs attention.
Good job, I'm off for more!
Hugs,
Gaylae
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi, Gayle. Thanks for your sharp eye and keen observations, my friend. I really appreciate your generous support! Hugs, Bev
Comment from adewpearl
doubled over, causing her feet to slide - add comma
Locating the vile of smelling salts - vial
Excellent use of natural-sounding dialogue that expresses the emotions of the speakers.
You also keep the reader interested in what is going on with the investigation effectively. Brooke
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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doubled over, causing her feet to slide - add comma
Locating the vile of smelling salts - vial
Excellent use of natural-sounding dialogue that expresses the emotions of the speakers.
You also keep the reader interested in what is going on with the investigation effectively. Brooke
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi, Brooke. That oopsy with vial is too funny. Got a little carried away with the mood. Thanks so much for your generous review and careful eye for making it better. Lots of practice with dialogue punctuation LOL. You are a gem, my friend. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension
Looks as if you have the makings of a good fantasy/horror story starting here. One suggestion, you make reference to the portrait as being that of a "Mass Murderer" when later you say it is a "double murder" there is a big difference between the two.
Patrick
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi Writingfundimension
Looks as if you have the makings of a good fantasy/horror story starting here. One suggestion, you make reference to the portrait as being that of a "Mass Murderer" when later you say it is a "double murder" there is a big difference between the two.
Patrick
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi, Patrick. Thanks so much for your great review. I should change that, though there is a question in previous chapters of at least one other body that has not yet been found. But, anyone just starting, might find that confusing. Thanks a bunch! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from writerwish
I really like the dialogue. It seemed very realistic and believable. Is this a true story? Captured an held interest well. No mistakes seen. Great job!!
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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I really like the dialogue. It seemed very realistic and believable. Is this a true story? Captured an held interest well. No mistakes seen. Great job!!
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi, writerwish. Thanks so much for stopping to read my latest chapter. I really appreciate your interest. The story is fictonal though it is influenced by my own years of working with the paranormal. Glad you liked it, hope you'll stop by again! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from JW
Boy. That ghost sounds like it one mighty mean one.
This chapter is well written. It was a very smooth read and was very realistic. Not to mention, it easily would hold a reader's interest.
Good job.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Boy. That ghost sounds like it one mighty mean one.
This chapter is well written. It was a very smooth read and was very realistic. Not to mention, it easily would hold a reader's interest.
Good job.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thanks so much, Jonathon. I really value your excellent input. Much appreciate you reading the chapter! Warm regards, Bev
