Toby
Picture inspired story of victims of poverty.39 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Good story for the picture prompt. He does look like a sad soul. Your dialect is good and adds some depth to the piece. I like how Toby plans ahead so he can spend more time playing with his siblings, but kids will be kids. I felt a little sorry for him considering his good intentions.
I'm not sure how much the story has changed since then given the number of single parent households other than the cost of everything has increased exponentially. Your story made me think.
Suggestions to consider:
'Miss Berta Mae' is a big lady, who is always busy and (aggrivated) about something.' I believe it's spelled 'aggravated'.
'... it is usually after dark when she picks them up in (the) evening.' Maybe add 'the'?
'Back then Mama laughed a lot and had time to (ksss) and cuddle him.' Just a slip of the keys--kiss.
Thanks for sharing your thought-provoking story.
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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Good story for the picture prompt. He does look like a sad soul. Your dialect is good and adds some depth to the piece. I like how Toby plans ahead so he can spend more time playing with his siblings, but kids will be kids. I felt a little sorry for him considering his good intentions.
I'm not sure how much the story has changed since then given the number of single parent households other than the cost of everything has increased exponentially. Your story made me think.
Suggestions to consider:
'Miss Berta Mae' is a big lady, who is always busy and (aggrivated) about something.' I believe it's spelled 'aggravated'.
'... it is usually after dark when she picks them up in (the) evening.' Maybe add 'the'?
'Back then Mama laughed a lot and had time to (ksss) and cuddle him.' Just a slip of the keys--kiss.
Thanks for sharing your thought-provoking story.
Comment Written 22-May-2023
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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Thank you Faith. I appreciate the review and your thoughtful comments. Thank you also for pointing out some things I missed.
Beth
Comment from Mrs. KT
How I thoroughly enjoyed your creativity in presenting and sharing this well-crafted work of fiction.
Toby pulls/pulled at my heartstrings.
I appreciate the authenticity of the dialogue, but more importantly, the inherent dreams of Toby... and all the Tobys in our world.
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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How I thoroughly enjoyed your creativity in presenting and sharing this well-crafted work of fiction.
Toby pulls/pulled at my heartstrings.
I appreciate the authenticity of the dialogue, but more importantly, the inherent dreams of Toby... and all the Tobys in our world.
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 22-May-2023
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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Thank you Diane. I'm so glad you enjoyed this little story although it is sad.
Beth
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
This is such a sad story, and the kind of poverty that drives this kind of heartless - even cruel - behavior is all around us. Great story, told well, and you've nailed the mindset of the grandmother and her vocabulary.
Let's hear it for all the Toby's that exist in the world - I pray they all find happiness.
Beth, you have a gap between "and carts them off to" and "Miss Berta Mae's house." Looks like you may have hit the ENTER key prematurely.
Check the sentence as the end of the paragraph that starts, "Miss Berta Mae's house. It is still dark . . ." You have a period and a comma at the end of a sentence, then the next sentence is missing a couple of complete words, I think.
Last sentence: add the word "they won't have TO go off and stay . . ."
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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This is such a sad story, and the kind of poverty that drives this kind of heartless - even cruel - behavior is all around us. Great story, told well, and you've nailed the mindset of the grandmother and her vocabulary.
Let's hear it for all the Toby's that exist in the world - I pray they all find happiness.
Beth, you have a gap between "and carts them off to" and "Miss Berta Mae's house." Looks like you may have hit the ENTER key prematurely.
Check the sentence as the end of the paragraph that starts, "Miss Berta Mae's house. It is still dark . . ." You have a period and a comma at the end of a sentence, then the next sentence is missing a couple of complete words, I think.
Last sentence: add the word "they won't have TO go off and stay . . ."
Comment Written 22-May-2023
reply by the author on 23-May-2023
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Thank you for the review and comments. It is sad. Yes I evidently tried to make a new paragraph but hit enter at the wrong spot. Thanks for pointing that out.
Beth
Comment from Ben Colder
I ran out of six. Good one, Beth. So real. I remember those days living in the south when things were so simple and having Negro help. Loved every minute of it. Good post.
reply by the author on 22-May-2023
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I ran out of six. Good one, Beth. So real. I remember those days living in the south when things were so simple and having Negro help. Loved every minute of it. Good post.
Comment Written 22-May-2023
reply by the author on 22-May-2023
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Thank you Chuck. It is an old one but I haven't time to write something new and I like something there so people want forget I'm around. Lol. I"m glad you liked it.
Beth
Comment from SeLF
The wee lad in the photo looks as though he already knows what life has in store for him.
Your story is full of pathos; I felt for all the characters, not just Toby. Being poor and black in the 1950s meant a person was slotted from birth into a category which usually meant working in the service sector, like baby sitting and taking in laundry, or housekeeping, or a nurse's aide, etc.
Miss Berta Mae works hard -- housework and looking after children is hard! And she's not a young woman. Poor Toby, trying to help out, ends up in trouble for pulling up the wrong plants. I can appreciate Miss Berta Mae's frustration born of weariness. I can appreciate Toby's loneliness of not having someone interact with him and maybe teach him things, like the differeces between tomato plants and weeds.
And underlying all of this is grinding poverty. Even the mother who has a job puts in long hours and probably doesn't get anywhere near the wage she should.
You touched me with this story. The only reason I gave it four stars instead of five, or even six, is because I felt it was too short. I would love to know more about these characters; it could have been a page or two longer to let you reveal more of their backstories.
With respect,
SeLF
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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The wee lad in the photo looks as though he already knows what life has in store for him.
Your story is full of pathos; I felt for all the characters, not just Toby. Being poor and black in the 1950s meant a person was slotted from birth into a category which usually meant working in the service sector, like baby sitting and taking in laundry, or housekeeping, or a nurse's aide, etc.
Miss Berta Mae works hard -- housework and looking after children is hard! And she's not a young woman. Poor Toby, trying to help out, ends up in trouble for pulling up the wrong plants. I can appreciate Miss Berta Mae's frustration born of weariness. I can appreciate Toby's loneliness of not having someone interact with him and maybe teach him things, like the differeces between tomato plants and weeds.
And underlying all of this is grinding poverty. Even the mother who has a job puts in long hours and probably doesn't get anywhere near the wage she should.
You touched me with this story. The only reason I gave it four stars instead of five, or even six, is because I felt it was too short. I would love to know more about these characters; it could have been a page or two longer to let you reveal more of their backstories.
With respect,
SeLF
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Thank you so much for the review and kind comments. I'm go glad you found the story worthwhile. I may expand it into a longer story but for the writers group for which it was done, I couldn't have much more than a page because of lack of time to read them all.
Beth
Comment from PoesyPoet
I guess this is a story in the "life and times of..." Strange how we view each other races and think we know how others live. I am wondering why you would make a hard working black mother one in which comes home from work with different men every night. As a woman from a large black family of working class women, I've never seen that in my grandmothers, mom, aunts or sisters.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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I guess this is a story in the "life and times of..." Strange how we view each other races and think we know how others live. I am wondering why you would make a hard working black mother one in which comes home from work with different men every night. As a woman from a large black family of working class women, I've never seen that in my grandmothers, mom, aunts or sisters.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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I hope my story didn't offend. It was based on a black family who lived down the street from me in the fifties. As I said in my notes, it is from another time period. Things have changed. People are more educated and more able to maintain better life styles. This could just as easily been a white family from that time, but the picture I was given to write about was of the little black child who appeared sad and poor and reminded me of someone played with as a child.
Beth
Comment from Piggies Grandma
I enjoyed this story very much. It is well written and I feel sorry for Toby, who was only trying to help, he seems very lonely.
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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I enjoyed this story very much. It is well written and I feel sorry for Toby, who was only trying to help, he seems very lonely.
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Thank you so much for the review and the nice comments.
Beth
Comment from sasil
Good use of dialect and imagery here. You move the plot along well with dialog and mental ruminations. Nice job getting the child's POV!
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Good use of dialect and imagery here. You move the plot along well with dialog and mental ruminations. Nice job getting the child's POV!
Comment Written 09-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
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Thank you again for your continuing support and lovely comments. I really appreciate the review.
Beth
Comment from WilliamDeen
Very depressing and sad. Very well-written with excellent details, and descriptions. Thanks for sharing with the community. A very enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Very depressing and sad. Very well-written with excellent details, and descriptions. Thanks for sharing with the community. A very enjoyable read.
Comment Written 09-May-2011
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Thank you William. I'm surprised that some find it very depressing and some find it amusing. The little boy in the picture looks sad and poor so I based it on that.
Beth
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Depends on the mood I guess. Mine was already low at this time.
Comment from humpwhistle
Beth, this a very depressing, yet believable depiction of a time, a place, and a poor little boy. I'm certain that the equivalent to this scene plays out thousands of times a day. Your compassion is showing, Beth.
I am impressed with you dialect, too. It takes an ear,and I think you have a good one. It adds color and texture, as well as time and place.
Good job, Beth.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Beth, this a very depressing, yet believable depiction of a time, a place, and a poor little boy. I'm certain that the equivalent to this scene plays out thousands of times a day. Your compassion is showing, Beth.
I am impressed with you dialect, too. It takes an ear,and I think you have a good one. It adds color and texture, as well as time and place.
Good job, Beth.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 09-May-2011
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Thank you Lee, I grew up in Mississippi around these kind of people. By the time I was five, I could speak ebonics as well
as they could. It is sad but I'm hoping that it isn't quite as bad as it once was.
Betg
