Nasya
Picture inspired story of an unusual child33 total reviews
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a story the world needs to here.[hear]
You need to let us interview hear.[her]
This is a great story. Will there be more? Great imagination, Beth. You should have left us some Author notes explaining. It's a revive? I suppose this is all there is. LOL Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
  |
This is a story the world needs to here.[hear]
You need to let us interview hear.[her]
This is a great story. Will there be more? Great imagination, Beth. You should have left us some Author notes explaining. It's a revive? I suppose this is all there is. LOL Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
-
I thought about writing more about her. I've let her go a long time but she might be an interesting character to write about. I have to see if maybe it would worth it to see where I could take this. Thanks for a great review.
Beth
Comment from damommy
WOW! Powerful story. I hope you will tell the future of this child in a new story. I'm so glad you revived this to read now. We need hopeful things and happy things to read about.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
|
WOW! Powerful story. I hope you will tell the future of this child in a new story. I'm so glad you revived this to read now. We need hopeful things and happy things to read about.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
-
Thank you Yvonne. I give it some thought. It might be fun to write more about her. By the way, I heard you were having a birthday today. I hope it is a good one. There are a lot of September Birthdays. We sang Happy Birthday to three people in my exercise class today.
Beth
-
Yes, September is responsible for a lot of birthdays. Thank you for your good wishes.
-
Yes, September is responsible for a lot of birthdays. Thank you for your good wishes.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you have something here, but it feels a little underdeveloped at present. The tone is very matter-of-factly in the telling (which it tells way more than shows) and taking a deeper perspective could pay much more dividends, especially in terms of emotion.
I made some notes as I read through-
The worried parents consulted specialist about her lack of verbal skills. - a specialist.
said teasingly, "Hello little girl. What's your name? - need closing speech marks here.
It was the first time she had ever utter as sound. - uttered a sound.
" Well, I hesitate to bring it up - delete the space following the opening speech marks.
Why would they have needed permission to find the bear? They could have done this without notifying the authorities and then contacted them when it was located.
At last, they came to an area of forest which hadn't been searched - need end punctuation here. Also, why would they have stopped searching?
"NO!," commanded Naysa. - you don't need the comma following the exclamation mark.
This bear came from an Island in Alaska. - island doesn't need capitalised here.
One of the men who'd men who managed to get closer was armed- this needs edited.
"What have you done?," - no need for the comma again.
and pulled the sobbing child away from animal. - from the animal.
A television crew, unnoticed until now, had filmed the encounter with the bear from a safe distance.- this feels like an afterthought and convenience. It would have been better to have said that the authorities or someone had gotten wind of the event and they'd been accompanied.
You change the spelling of the child's name from Naysa to Nasya in the final paragraph twice.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
 |
Hi there,
I think you have something here, but it feels a little underdeveloped at present. The tone is very matter-of-factly in the telling (which it tells way more than shows) and taking a deeper perspective could pay much more dividends, especially in terms of emotion.
I made some notes as I read through-
The worried parents consulted specialist about her lack of verbal skills. - a specialist.
said teasingly, "Hello little girl. What's your name? - need closing speech marks here.
It was the first time she had ever utter as sound. - uttered a sound.
" Well, I hesitate to bring it up - delete the space following the opening speech marks.
Why would they have needed permission to find the bear? They could have done this without notifying the authorities and then contacted them when it was located.
At last, they came to an area of forest which hadn't been searched - need end punctuation here. Also, why would they have stopped searching?
"NO!," commanded Naysa. - you don't need the comma following the exclamation mark.
This bear came from an Island in Alaska. - island doesn't need capitalised here.
One of the men who'd men who managed to get closer was armed- this needs edited.
"What have you done?," - no need for the comma again.
and pulled the sobbing child away from animal. - from the animal.
A television crew, unnoticed until now, had filmed the encounter with the bear from a safe distance.- this feels like an afterthought and convenience. It would have been better to have said that the authorities or someone had gotten wind of the event and they'd been accompanied.
You change the spelling of the child's name from Naysa to Nasya in the final paragraph twice.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much for the help you have offered. This was written about eleven years ago and apparently some of the errors were unnoticed back then. I had did some of the last paragraphs. I took all of your suggestions into account and make changes where you questioned some thing. I do appreciate you editing help.
Beth
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Bethshelby a fantastic Friday to you I hope it finds you well. Your story was beautifully written and very engaging, it's a new age Dr. Do little,
nice job!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
|
Hello Bethshelby a fantastic Friday to you I hope it finds you well. Your story was beautifully written and very engaging, it's a new age Dr. Do little,
nice job!
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much. I really appreciate the review and enjoyed your comments.
Beth
Comment from Tawnyowl
I felt we needed to go further into this childs background and strange experiences, as just as it was beginning to take off you stopped. And this thing 'indigo' children? Is that real? I would not be that amazed if it is. There are many things we do not understand and I believe a higher form of intelligence is coming to the human race and it will involve psychic powers and strange God-like qualities. This is a good starting point for more tales. I don't think you should stop here!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2011
|
I felt we needed to go further into this childs background and strange experiences, as just as it was beginning to take off you stopped. And this thing 'indigo' children? Is that real? I would not be that amazed if it is. There are many things we do not understand and I believe a higher form of intelligence is coming to the human race and it will involve psychic powers and strange God-like qualities. This is a good starting point for more tales. I don't think you should stop here!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2011
-
Thank you so much for the review. I'm sorry it wasn't still offering points. I did it for a writing group that requires the stories be brief but I may do more with it. Look it up on the computer. I didn't make up indigo childen. There may very well be something to it.
Beth
Comment from adewpearl
with an intensity that make her uneasy - made her
At six months, when a neighbor dropped by said - when a neighbor WHO dropped by said
a leading child psychologist, who seemed as baffled - add comma
Indigo children - how fascinating
Your story certainly makes Naysa out to be one intriguing child!! Brooke
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
|
with an intensity that make her uneasy - made her
At six months, when a neighbor dropped by said - when a neighbor WHO dropped by said
a leading child psychologist, who seemed as baffled - add comma
Indigo children - how fascinating
Your story certainly makes Naysa out to be one intriguing child!! Brooke
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
-
Thank you Brooke, I heard of indigo children from my own daughter, who believe they do exist. When my writing group came up with this picture as a challenge, it seemed the logical way to explain a child petting such a dangerous beast. I do appreciate the review and I especially you once again pointing out my spags. I seem to read right over them.
Beth
Comment from Piggies Grandma
This was a very interesting story. It flowed along nicely and it held my interest the whole way through. It was very well written.
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
|
This was a very interesting story. It flowed along nicely and it held my interest the whole way through. It was very well written.
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
-
Thank you. I'm glad you found the story interesting. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, beth, i am so happy you are okay, i love the picture you chose to write about, and the story is amazing, catches the reader and takes them for a ride
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
|
this is very well written, beth, i am so happy you are okay, i love the picture you chose to write about, and the story is amazing, catches the reader and takes them for a ride
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
-
Thank you so much for the review and lovely comments. I really appreciate it.
Beth
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow!! An avbsolutely superb write!!
A well told story with so much imagination!!
You kept me glued to the screen. I have also heard of certain children with different abilities but not this one.
Well done and thank you for a pleasant read.
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
|
Wow!! An avbsolutely superb write!!
A well told story with so much imagination!!
You kept me glued to the screen. I have also heard of certain children with different abilities but not this one.
Well done and thank you for a pleasant read.
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
-
Thank you Chris, I'm so pleased that you liked the story. I really appreciate you enthusiastic review and comments.
Beth
Comment from simonbagh
I JUST CAN SAY THAT ONCE IN A STORY WHICH A IS REALITY THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN A DOG AND A BOY I COULD NEVER FIND ANY WAY TO EXPLAIN OR TO NAME IT SOMEHOW, BUT TO CALL IT ( MORE THAN LOVE ) WELL DONE YOU HAVE SEEN THE THINGS VERY CLEARLY IT IS REALLY VERY GOOD.
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
|
I JUST CAN SAY THAT ONCE IN A STORY WHICH A IS REALITY THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN A DOG AND A BOY I COULD NEVER FIND ANY WAY TO EXPLAIN OR TO NAME IT SOMEHOW, BUT TO CALL IT ( MORE THAN LOVE ) WELL DONE YOU HAVE SEEN THE THINGS VERY CLEARLY IT IS REALLY VERY GOOD.
Comment Written 10-May-2011
reply by the author on 10-May-2011
-
Thank you so much for your review and for your nice comments.
Beth
