Breakfast
When a white picket fence isn't Americana5 total reviews
Comment from koneart
This is very good. Welcome aboard, by the way. Glad to have you here. I'm one who does enjoy a mixture of unique verbs, adverbs and adjectives--though they must be used sparingly--like salt. I think you did well. I did get a bit confused at times and had to re-read, but, you know, that's okay. It's prose and needs a thorough eye for reading. You still wrote simple. And, that is very good. [Most readers read for entertaining, not to beat their brains with fancy words] Nicely done. Kone
Granma [Grandma] dying" [I'm thinking 'dash' should be here] how the funeral home was so hot it near put my bones to sleep.
[FYI when using dashes in your writing, and then you copy and paste, FS will put " quotes in its place...just a quirk. I usually click 'edit' and change them...]
At school we have a chain link fence, made of wire and smart squares. [JUST A SUGGESTION: "...made of wire and smart squares" is a redunant statement as 'chain link' identifies the fence. And, since this is Flash Fiction, you want a skeleton of a story. Needed words ONLY!
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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This is very good. Welcome aboard, by the way. Glad to have you here. I'm one who does enjoy a mixture of unique verbs, adverbs and adjectives--though they must be used sparingly--like salt. I think you did well. I did get a bit confused at times and had to re-read, but, you know, that's okay. It's prose and needs a thorough eye for reading. You still wrote simple. And, that is very good. [Most readers read for entertaining, not to beat their brains with fancy words] Nicely done. Kone
Granma [Grandma] dying" [I'm thinking 'dash' should be here] how the funeral home was so hot it near put my bones to sleep.
[FYI when using dashes in your writing, and then you copy and paste, FS will put " quotes in its place...just a quirk. I usually click 'edit' and change them...]
At school we have a chain link fence, made of wire and smart squares. [JUST A SUGGESTION: "...made of wire and smart squares" is a redunant statement as 'chain link' identifies the fence. And, since this is Flash Fiction, you want a skeleton of a story. Needed words ONLY!
Comment Written 06-May-2011
reply by the author on 09-May-2011
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Thank you for your thoughtful critique!
Comment from JudyS
Excellent portrayal of a frightened child. The use of the fence throughout adds a good continuity to the story. Very well written. Enjoyed the read.
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Excellent portrayal of a frightened child. The use of the fence throughout adds a good continuity to the story. Very well written. Enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 04-May-2011
Comment from nanna
Well written, you have got into the mind of a frightened child. I got the impression she was afraid her Mama was mad and likely to turn on her, but towards the end it seemed as if her father was the villain. I liked the comparison of the white picket fence, round the old cemetery, being the symbol for the fence she put around herself to keep her fears at bay.
Her love for her dead grandmother came through. Did you intend her to wish grandma could have been buried along with the old ones behind the picket fence.I cannot find any criticism of a negative kind. I like the description of the neglected fence with green moss then the school's metal fence white with frost. Congratulations.
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Well written, you have got into the mind of a frightened child. I got the impression she was afraid her Mama was mad and likely to turn on her, but towards the end it seemed as if her father was the villain. I liked the comparison of the white picket fence, round the old cemetery, being the symbol for the fence she put around herself to keep her fears at bay.
Her love for her dead grandmother came through. Did you intend her to wish grandma could have been buried along with the old ones behind the picket fence.I cannot find any criticism of a negative kind. I like the description of the neglected fence with green moss then the school's metal fence white with frost. Congratulations.
Comment Written 04-May-2011
Comment from adewpearl
My tongue sits as silent as the dead sleeping inside our white picket fence - this is just one line and image among many that are just stunning. I love the narrator and her observations and world view.
Daddy, sloppy from whiskey, parceling out hurt - some of this child's sentences just pierce my heart.
I just love the way you use various fences to tie your story together - the ending is just perfect. I sure hope this beautifully written story does well in the contest - I have read MANY entries and can't remember any better. Brooke
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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My tongue sits as silent as the dead sleeping inside our white picket fence - this is just one line and image among many that are just stunning. I love the narrator and her observations and world view.
Daddy, sloppy from whiskey, parceling out hurt - some of this child's sentences just pierce my heart.
I just love the way you use various fences to tie your story together - the ending is just perfect. I sure hope this beautifully written story does well in the contest - I have read MANY entries and can't remember any better. Brooke
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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Thank you for your well wishes Brooke, and for your praise of the imagery.
Comment from onceinabluemoon
Nice "picket fences" story. I like your detail and emotion. Nice use of wordplay, and the fence symbolism is a good thread running throughout.
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Nice "picket fences" story. I like your detail and emotion. Nice use of wordplay, and the fence symbolism is a good thread running throughout.
Comment Written 04-May-2011
