haiku (fragile petals fall)
Atraditional Haiku contest entry19 total reviews
Comment from anabellapongasi
Nice nature haiku in good form. Lovely imagery, nice alliteration in the first line. I like the satori line. Good luck in the contest:)
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Nice nature haiku in good form. Lovely imagery, nice alliteration in the first line. I like the satori line. Good luck in the contest:)
Comment Written 17-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from writerwish
I like this poem and message. I do not know much about poetry yet. I would like to see a nice picture to go with this, but I am more visual than most.
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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I like this poem and message. I do not know much about poetry yet. I would like to see a nice picture to go with this, but I am more visual than most.
Comment Written 17-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from IndianaIrish
Hello Poet! I learn about writing haiku every time I write one. May I offer a suggestion? -ing words do not exist in Japanese and should be avoided in haiku if possible. Just a suggestion, but a canopy is a tree top so the petals falling to create a canopy is difficult to understand. How about bringing spring into the first line?
fragile spring petals
create a green canopy
life renewed
or something like that...I don't want to re-write your poem, it's just a suggestion.
Best of luck, and thank you for entering the contest.
Indy :>)
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Hello Poet! I learn about writing haiku every time I write one. May I offer a suggestion? -ing words do not exist in Japanese and should be avoided in haiku if possible. Just a suggestion, but a canopy is a tree top so the petals falling to create a canopy is difficult to understand. How about bringing spring into the first line?
fragile spring petals
create a green canopy
life renewed
or something like that...I don't want to re-write your poem, it's just a suggestion.
Best of luck, and thank you for entering the contest.
Indy :>)
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Thank you for reading anfd reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
I'm still learning about Haiku myself. From what I read it is a fine example of a shokubutu (flora or plant) haiku; except the last line is 4 syllables instead of 5.
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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I'm still learning about Haiku myself. From what I read it is a fine example of a shokubutu (flora or plant) haiku; except the last line is 4 syllables instead of 5.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from essence56
Well written poem. It's words are well connected and flows very easy in it's sweetness and softness. Thank you so very much.
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Well written poem. It's words are well connected and flows very easy in it's sweetness and softness. Thank you so very much.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from Quire's Gal
Excellent imagery here mystery poet and I'm impressed you went without a picture! Good alliteration with the "f" words in the first line.
From what I was taught, haiku is not supposed to use "ing" words, and I'm not 100% sure, but I think the word "springs" gives personification to the word "life". I wonder if anyone else caught that but I'm not sure so I didn't hold it against you.
Love the fact that you didn't use a 5-7-5 count. In a traditional haiku, I understand that less is better.
Best wishes to you with this lovely entry!
Katherine.
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Excellent imagery here mystery poet and I'm impressed you went without a picture! Good alliteration with the "f" words in the first line.
From what I was taught, haiku is not supposed to use "ing" words, and I'm not 100% sure, but I think the word "springs" gives personification to the word "life". I wonder if anyone else caught that but I'm not sure so I didn't hold it against you.
Love the fact that you didn't use a 5-7-5 count. In a traditional haiku, I understand that less is better.
Best wishes to you with this lovely entry!
Katherine.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from mumsyone
fragile petals fall
yielding a green canopy
life springs renewed
Your haiku presents a nice picture of a green canopy overhead and new growth sprouting underfoot.
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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fragile petals fall
yielding a green canopy
life springs renewed
Your haiku presents a nice picture of a green canopy overhead and new growth sprouting underfoot.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from JuneYvonne
I have to be honest - I don't truly understand what you are saying here. The first two lines certainly provide the concrete imagery of spring blossom coming to an end, but for me the satori is confusing. This may be my fault rather than yours though - I am not an expert in this form.
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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I have to be honest - I don't truly understand what you are saying here. The first two lines certainly provide the concrete imagery of spring blossom coming to an end, but for me the satori is confusing. This may be my fault rather than yours though - I am not an expert in this form.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from writer c
I am not sure I understand this haiku, but that is not a requirement!..many haiku are written with ambiguity. However, I am trying to picture the concrete imagery..are you saying that petals from a tree fall, so that the green canopy is above them? It is the green that is the spring to life? Sorry, just call me an idiot. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, since I learn something new about haiku every day.
Carol
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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I am not sure I understand this haiku, but that is not a requirement!..many haiku are written with ambiguity. However, I am trying to picture the concrete imagery..are you saying that petals from a tree fall, so that the green canopy is above them? It is the green that is the spring to life? Sorry, just call me an idiot. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, since I learn something new about haiku every day.
Carol
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 17-May-2011
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Yes the petals fall leaving just green leaves on the tree forming the canopy. In the last line I was trying to say another spring has happened. It seemed very clear to me last week and now I am not so sure. Thanks for your feedback. I am new at this myself.
Comment from mountainwriter49
Hello poet
I enjoyed reading your traditional
Haiku. Your hAiku provides a good image
Of those fragile flowers falling and giving
Way to the tree's new leaves.
Good luck in the voting booth
Ray
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hello poet
I enjoyed reading your traditional
Haiku. Your hAiku provides a good image
Of those fragile flowers falling and giving
Way to the tree's new leaves.
Good luck in the voting booth
Ray
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Thanks so much for all your help. I wrote a haikku about fog i would like you to look at it if u have time.
