Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Part three chapter three"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
95 total reviews
Comment from Gooloom
What can i say about this universal problem of wife beating? Its here in India in amore virulent form. Some wives are thrashed because they answered back to her mother in law. Some are abused whenthey produce daughters. Most of them dare not fall in love. They and their boy friends are ruthlessly murdered. And so on. But in the western countries there are institutions to take care of the battered wife. Yet this happens. It is a remnant of the cave man in our modern man. Or some vicarious pleasure they get in seeing a squirming and beaten women? I don't know. But it happens all the time. Good story. well written and very contemporay too. Gooloom
reply by the author on 05-May-2011
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What can i say about this universal problem of wife beating? Its here in India in amore virulent form. Some wives are thrashed because they answered back to her mother in law. Some are abused whenthey produce daughters. Most of them dare not fall in love. They and their boy friends are ruthlessly murdered. And so on. But in the western countries there are institutions to take care of the battered wife. Yet this happens. It is a remnant of the cave man in our modern man. Or some vicarious pleasure they get in seeing a squirming and beaten women? I don't know. But it happens all the time. Good story. well written and very contemporay too. Gooloom
Comment Written 05-May-2011
reply by the author on 05-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and insight.
Comment from Readywriter52
Troy is doing his best to help Anna. He has told her that she has an alternative to staying with Bobby. With his father's help, he can help her escape Bobby. Anna has begun to realize that she made a mistake in marrying Bobby
reply by the author on 05-May-2011
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Troy is doing his best to help Anna. He has told her that she has an alternative to staying with Bobby. With his father's help, he can help her escape Bobby. Anna has begun to realize that she made a mistake in marrying Bobby
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 05-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and continued support.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Barbara,
I read through this chapter of your romance novel,
eyes met. "I think you're beautiful."
(I thought the first section of this chapter flowed real smooth, had a warm emotion about it, was easy to see)
Moisture filled her eyes.
(I wasn't sure about this phrase, but I didn't have a specific reason why, I just paused.)
asked, "Were you pregnant when you married Bobby(him?)?"
Anna watched Troy exit [the door] and nibbled on toast before she drifted off to sleep.
(not sure if the door is needed, also thought that there could be more smooth a transition on how much time is passing between troy leaving and her eating toast... maybe watched Troy exit, and she nibbled on toast....?)
(There was a nice balance between dialog and movement, and I liked the inner reflection in combination with outer exposing of how she ended up married to Bobby,)
Turtle.
reply by the author on 05-May-2011
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Hi Barbara,
I read through this chapter of your romance novel,
eyes met. "I think you're beautiful."
(I thought the first section of this chapter flowed real smooth, had a warm emotion about it, was easy to see)
Moisture filled her eyes.
(I wasn't sure about this phrase, but I didn't have a specific reason why, I just paused.)
asked, "Were you pregnant when you married Bobby(him?)?"
Anna watched Troy exit [the door] and nibbled on toast before she drifted off to sleep.
(not sure if the door is needed, also thought that there could be more smooth a transition on how much time is passing between troy leaving and her eating toast... maybe watched Troy exit, and she nibbled on toast....?)
(There was a nice balance between dialog and movement, and I liked the inner reflection in combination with outer exposing of how she ended up married to Bobby,)
Turtle.
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 05-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and I will take another look at those areas.
Comment from MENNIPLOSS
beams a great dream of each chapter, is a beautiful one and excellent writing, moves leerte to me and is very pleasing your narrative. congratulations very beautiful chapters.
menniploss
reply by the author on 05-May-2011
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beams a great dream of each chapter, is a beautiful one and excellent writing, moves leerte to me and is very pleasing your narrative. congratulations very beautiful chapters.
menniploss
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 05-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
Troy seems to be doing a great job, but Bobby will have to be taken out of the lady's psyche and probably out of the world.
Good dialogue. Well done.
Patrick
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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Hi Barbara,
Troy seems to be doing a great job, but Bobby will have to be taken out of the lady's psyche and probably out of the world.
Good dialogue. Well done.
Patrick
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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We have not seen the end of Bobby. I agree Anna is in no shape to be involved with another man. I hope Troy understands this. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from FredCollingwood
I've been taking a break from FanStory for a while, but I thought I'd stop by and read one of my favorites (writer and favorite people). Excellent, as always! I hope you're well.
Fred
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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I've been taking a break from FanStory for a while, but I thought I'd stop by and read one of my favorites (writer and favorite people). Excellent, as always! I hope you're well.
Fred
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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Thank you Fred, I have missed you. I added you to my prayers, hoping it wasn't health related. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from eliz100
This was a great read from beginning to end as usual. You have done a great job putting a real face on domestic violence. I am not big on statistics because it is hard for me to picture large numbers so I take things one at a time and I am enjoying this read.
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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This was a great read from beginning to end as usual. You have done a great job putting a real face on domestic violence. I am not big on statistics because it is hard for me to picture large numbers so I take things one at a time and I am enjoying this read.
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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I added the stats because of some requests. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jonesy
Hello again,
I couldn't quite go with a 5 for this one. Mostly the reason is the last section with Anna. I don't think much of the internal thoughts has a realistic ring to it, and that's because so much of it seems geared just for the reader's benefit. An example of what I mean is:
Once home he demanded I fix his lunch. Troy loaned me money so I could take Michael to the doctor. Bobby beat me so badly I ended up here.
It's a summary for the reader and had a hard time buying into Anna (or anyone) would form their thoughts in this way.
I also see the same thing as previous chapters when it comes to beats (He stood, she touched, he took her hand, that stuff). Those happen so often I can't help but notice them, and most are things too general to be interesting to the reader.
I strongly encourage researching how best to use action beats. In fact this webpage:
http://jaefiction.wordpress.com/2011/01/17/action-beats/
has some tips, and one of them is not to use things like "he smiled" or "she nodded" so often. It does become very noticeable to the reader.
The last thing, which I didn't factor into my rating because it's a stylistic choice, is I've read all of chapter 3 now and there is a noticeable lack of detail and description. Almost all the writing consists of dialogue and action beats. There's no detail description of setting or scene, and very little intimate details on how characters feel and react to their surroundings.
While a lot of that can be handled in dialogue, and is in all parts of this chapter, I don't see the depth to the writing that more detail and description would bring. As a result, it makes it harder for me to get into the story.
But as mentioned I didn't rate based on this because I have read just the one chapter and maybe there's more detail elsewhere. But along with how to handle beats, I do encourage researching on balancing narrative detail and description with dialogue. Too much one way or the other can cause problems.
Hope this helps.
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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Hello again,
I couldn't quite go with a 5 for this one. Mostly the reason is the last section with Anna. I don't think much of the internal thoughts has a realistic ring to it, and that's because so much of it seems geared just for the reader's benefit. An example of what I mean is:
Once home he demanded I fix his lunch. Troy loaned me money so I could take Michael to the doctor. Bobby beat me so badly I ended up here.
It's a summary for the reader and had a hard time buying into Anna (or anyone) would form their thoughts in this way.
I also see the same thing as previous chapters when it comes to beats (He stood, she touched, he took her hand, that stuff). Those happen so often I can't help but notice them, and most are things too general to be interesting to the reader.
I strongly encourage researching how best to use action beats. In fact this webpage:
http://jaefiction.wordpress.com/2011/01/17/action-beats/
has some tips, and one of them is not to use things like "he smiled" or "she nodded" so often. It does become very noticeable to the reader.
The last thing, which I didn't factor into my rating because it's a stylistic choice, is I've read all of chapter 3 now and there is a noticeable lack of detail and description. Almost all the writing consists of dialogue and action beats. There's no detail description of setting or scene, and very little intimate details on how characters feel and react to their surroundings.
While a lot of that can be handled in dialogue, and is in all parts of this chapter, I don't see the depth to the writing that more detail and description would bring. As a result, it makes it harder for me to get into the story.
But as mentioned I didn't rate based on this because I have read just the one chapter and maybe there's more detail elsewhere. But along with how to handle beats, I do encourage researching on balancing narrative detail and description with dialogue. Too much one way or the other can cause problems.
Hope this helps.
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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I happen to write a lot of dialogue and my fans have indicated to me that they prefer dialogue. Not everybody likes a lot of dialogue. It's an individual choice. Thank you for your review.
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And that's fine. Please keep in mind I didn't factor that into my rating. And as mentioned, it's a choice the author makes. My point is there needs to be balance between dialogue and narrative. That's what helps to give a story depth.
Comment from Allezw2
Lady barbara.wilkey,
You picture the woman's appreciation of her circumstance well. Obviously, one never knows anybody that well to be able to predict unfailingly accurately, an individual's behaviors.
There is something to be said for long associations in that respect. Now it is relationships, short and some longer term that are the determinants.
It is difficult for most people to understand how parents can abuse their children or spouse.
Still, rats under stress devour their young.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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Lady barbara.wilkey,
You picture the woman's appreciation of her circumstance well. Obviously, one never knows anybody that well to be able to predict unfailingly accurately, an individual's behaviors.
There is something to be said for long associations in that respect. Now it is relationships, short and some longer term that are the determinants.
It is difficult for most people to understand how parents can abuse their children or spouse.
Still, rats under stress devour their young.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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Some mother pigs eat their young too. I appreciate your kind reivew.
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Usually, ours was the sow crushing the piglets while they were suckling by rolling over on them.
Comment from jackiesmuse
I'm glad I read all three parts of the chapter. I really like the characters and worry about what Bobby might do.
Just one thing:
stay in a state run (state-run) home...
I wish you could find another way to share some of that internal dialogue. Maybe a conversation or two with Troy. Just a thought.
Nice writing.
:-) Jackie
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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I'm glad I read all three parts of the chapter. I really like the characters and worry about what Bobby might do.
Just one thing:
stay in a state run (state-run) home...
I wish you could find another way to share some of that internal dialogue. Maybe a conversation or two with Troy. Just a thought.
Nice writing.
:-) Jackie
Comment Written 04-May-2011
reply by the author on 04-May-2011
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I wondered if it shouldn't have been state-run. I will correct that. Thank you for your kind review.
