Immortality On Borrowed Time
A sonnet on our fleeting life.116 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Hi Mike - nice to see you posting again. wondered where you flew off to. I notice there are some flaws in meter here and wonder if you wish to have it be a sonnet in correct form or you wish to make a modern sonnet without strict meter?
My personal preference when using a traditional form is to follow it. So here is a critique for you to correct the mistakes in meter.
The iambic foot steps flow in ta DUM style--meaning the stress is always on second syllable. Please visit the page for the sonnet contest to see a full description of the form.
Five stressed beats, each falling on second beat makes iambic pentameter.
ta DUM ta DUM ta DUM ta DUM ta DUM.
I will write your lines with this so you can see which syllables are wrongly accented (meaning the stress is coming on a syllable sounding unnatural to the word - which is a problem in scansion) - even if the total number of syllables is ten, it is not iambic pentameter (as required by sonnets) unless it has the iambic flow as described above.
At conception, sands of time flow at birth;
at CONceptION sands OF time FLOW at BIRTH
the words conception and of are unnaturally accented.
through the hourglass, though we can't perceive.
through THE hoURglass THOUGH we CAN'T perCEIVE
the words the and hourglass have wrong scansion.
Mortality's grain tolls louder on Earth,
morTALity"S grain TOLLS loudER on EARTH
just or not, through finite time we receive.
Just OR not THROUGH finITE time WE reCEIVE
THIS LINE is perfectly iambic:
Some people lose their life before their prime;
This one is iambic with use of feminine end rhyme (have an unaccented extra syllable which is perfectly acceptable and I use this device all the time in sonnets)
a precious few live life without a bother.
This line is also perfectly iambic.
I hope my footprints fossilize in clay;
All the rest of the lines have wrong meter and scansion. please let me know if you opt to revise and wish for further suggestions for revising the lines. i will be glad to make a second review.
A few spag issues to note-
*
At conception, sands of time flow at birth;(no semicolon here as the sentence continues on next line)
through the hourglass, though we can't perceive.
*
Some people lose their life(lives) before their prime; (pluralization issue)
*some only want to leave their footprints;(not sure about this semicolon---suggest removing it)
as Heaven's gate opens and angels sing.
*A worried few,(no ,) hope to dash in sly sprint...
*I hope my footprints fossilize in clay;(comma makes more sense here)
*pleasing God... F(f)ound to be needed one day.
As far as content, this is very good and inspiring. I like the thoughts presented and you use good imagery, though frankly I think it's best to veer away from using cliched imagery like sands of time and hourglass- etc. i ahve also used them in some of my early writings but these are images so overused so as to lose thier potency. best to conjure something fresh and unique.
that aside, the content is very good.
favorite stanza (fort content)
Some people lose their life before their prime;
others, dedicate their lives for others.
A few, fear cloaked, squander good use of time;
a precious few live life without a bother.
I hope you find this extensive critique helpful. please take it as encouraging compliment that i felt your sonnet worthy of such a lot of time adn do not be discouraged by the honest rating (which i will amend after revisions).
Warmest wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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Hi Mike - nice to see you posting again. wondered where you flew off to. I notice there are some flaws in meter here and wonder if you wish to have it be a sonnet in correct form or you wish to make a modern sonnet without strict meter?
My personal preference when using a traditional form is to follow it. So here is a critique for you to correct the mistakes in meter.
The iambic foot steps flow in ta DUM style--meaning the stress is always on second syllable. Please visit the page for the sonnet contest to see a full description of the form.
Five stressed beats, each falling on second beat makes iambic pentameter.
ta DUM ta DUM ta DUM ta DUM ta DUM.
I will write your lines with this so you can see which syllables are wrongly accented (meaning the stress is coming on a syllable sounding unnatural to the word - which is a problem in scansion) - even if the total number of syllables is ten, it is not iambic pentameter (as required by sonnets) unless it has the iambic flow as described above.
At conception, sands of time flow at birth;
at CONceptION sands OF time FLOW at BIRTH
the words conception and of are unnaturally accented.
through the hourglass, though we can't perceive.
through THE hoURglass THOUGH we CAN'T perCEIVE
the words the and hourglass have wrong scansion.
Mortality's grain tolls louder on Earth,
morTALity"S grain TOLLS loudER on EARTH
just or not, through finite time we receive.
Just OR not THROUGH finITE time WE reCEIVE
THIS LINE is perfectly iambic:
Some people lose their life before their prime;
This one is iambic with use of feminine end rhyme (have an unaccented extra syllable which is perfectly acceptable and I use this device all the time in sonnets)
a precious few live life without a bother.
This line is also perfectly iambic.
I hope my footprints fossilize in clay;
All the rest of the lines have wrong meter and scansion. please let me know if you opt to revise and wish for further suggestions for revising the lines. i will be glad to make a second review.
A few spag issues to note-
*
At conception, sands of time flow at birth;(no semicolon here as the sentence continues on next line)
through the hourglass, though we can't perceive.
*
Some people lose their life(lives) before their prime; (pluralization issue)
*some only want to leave their footprints;(not sure about this semicolon---suggest removing it)
as Heaven's gate opens and angels sing.
*A worried few,(no ,) hope to dash in sly sprint...
*I hope my footprints fossilize in clay;(comma makes more sense here)
*pleasing God... F(f)ound to be needed one day.
As far as content, this is very good and inspiring. I like the thoughts presented and you use good imagery, though frankly I think it's best to veer away from using cliched imagery like sands of time and hourglass- etc. i ahve also used them in some of my early writings but these are images so overused so as to lose thier potency. best to conjure something fresh and unique.
that aside, the content is very good.
favorite stanza (fort content)
Some people lose their life before their prime;
others, dedicate their lives for others.
A few, fear cloaked, squander good use of time;
a precious few live life without a bother.
I hope you find this extensive critique helpful. please take it as encouraging compliment that i felt your sonnet worthy of such a lot of time adn do not be discouraged by the honest rating (which i will amend after revisions).
Warmest wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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Sorry it took a bit of time to get back to you. I appreciate all reviews and critiques, and only get mad at the reviewer when they are not honest. Yet, while I take things into account, I don't plan to change it as it reads well for me. Meter is something that everyone talks about, but can't explain and I believe it is felt. I am also happy with the punctuation as I tend to read this work as if it has musical notes ascribed to it. I put a lot of work in researching both aspects and while not a perfect sonnet, falls within the idiosyncrisies of many famous ones.
I did make a couple changes though, and thank you for your compliments, input and this review. Mike
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hi Mike--thanks for your your nice reply. I'm not sure why you say meter cannot be explained, as i did explain it in very minute depth in this review--but perhaps it was not easy to follow. Anyway, As it is a contest entry with strict requirements, I believe it would not qualify without using iambic pentameter but of course the choice is up to you and I do respect your wish to keep it as you like it-- and I admire your honesty, too--but feel the poem does not fit the contest requirements nonetheless.
Warm regards, rd
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I didn't post it for the contest. I'll be honest, I don't particapate as it doesn't fit into my present priorities.
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oops--I forgot it was not in contest. Anyway---wish you all the best. Warmly, rd
Comment from dismac (Paul)
Wow, a beautiful powerful mingling of words and emotions. So well expressed, I got lost in my own mortality as I read. Thank you so sharing. Paul
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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Wow, a beautiful powerful mingling of words and emotions. So well expressed, I got lost in my own mortality as I read. Thank you so sharing. Paul
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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Thank you so much for your compliments and this review. Also for reading, Mike
Comment from lola29
Your sonnet has certainly given your readers pause to ponder about our lives here on earth. There are so many questions I have, and I hope someday to have the answers.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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Your sonnet has certainly given your readers pause to ponder about our lives here on earth. There are so many questions I have, and I hope someday to have the answers.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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Unfortunetly, those answers only come with the wisdom with trials and though one can not be sure they are correct answers, it is faith that guides. I thank you very much for your compliments and this review. Mike
Comment from misscookie
I like this poem very much. There it's about what people all over the word feel.
I love how you expressed your true emotion in this write.
There is a strong message within this poem.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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I like this poem very much. There it's about what people all over the word feel.
I love how you expressed your true emotion in this write.
There is a strong message within this poem.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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This is a very nice review and I thank you for it and the compliments, Mike
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Your very welcome, Take care
Comment from RKagan
I believe that we all hope that our lives are lived with a good purpose.This poem is a wonderful way of looking at our lives and what they might mean. I read your author notes and I believe you achieved what you set out to do. great job.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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I believe that we all hope that our lives are lived with a good purpose.This poem is a wonderful way of looking at our lives and what they might mean. I read your author notes and I believe you achieved what you set out to do. great job.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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A job well done is always a nice compliment. I thank you very much for reviewing this. Mike
Comment from Cedar
This is a great description of life. Your rhyming
and flow are perfect. We are living on borrowed time
and will have to pay off the loan soon enough.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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This is a great description of life. Your rhyming
and flow are perfect. We are living on borrowed time
and will have to pay off the loan soon enough.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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At least you aren't nagged about it like financial matters. LOL I thank you very much for the compliments and this review. Mike
Comment from JennieClare
The sands of time stop for no man. None of us would like to think that we had wasted time but I'm sure most of us in one way or another have thought that we do. Only God knows our time on earth and God is out of time. Praise the Lord that heaven is eternal! A thought provoking poem in good style. Jennieclare
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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The sands of time stop for no man. None of us would like to think that we had wasted time but I'm sure most of us in one way or another have thought that we do. Only God knows our time on earth and God is out of time. Praise the Lord that heaven is eternal! A thought provoking poem in good style. Jennieclare
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2011
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Thank you very much for the compliments and this review. Mike
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You are very welcome. jennie
Comment from RebelRose
Life does indeed to be fleeting. From birth to death, the sands in the hour-glass seem to flow much to fast. I like the last two lines of this poem. They really say a lot. As you said in your author's notes, a good way to sum up life.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Life does indeed to be fleeting. From birth to death, the sands in the hour-glass seem to flow much to fast. I like the last two lines of this poem. They really say a lot. As you said in your author's notes, a good way to sum up life.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Thank you very much for this compliments and the review. Mike
Comment from trivedihv
Well done it is effort bring you to get rhyme
not to the poem.
Conceived very big thought in nut shell.
Keep it up
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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Well done it is effort bring you to get rhyme
not to the poem.
Conceived very big thought in nut shell.
Keep it up
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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I always try to follow the meter of life, and not the du Dum either! I enjoyed this review and thank you for it. Mike
Comment from dragonpoet
This is a well written and flowing sonnet. It has a good story and moral. Work to do things in this world to help so you will be remembered. Hopefully everyone can overcome life's fears and do what is needed to make the world a better place.
Keep wriiting
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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This is a well written and flowing sonnet. It has a good story and moral. Work to do things in this world to help so you will be remembered. Hopefully everyone can overcome life's fears and do what is needed to make the world a better place.
Keep wriiting
dragonpoet
Comment Written 21-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2011
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I like this review. Sometimes, much in my case, that involves being thrown past that point of fear. I thank you for the compliments and this enjoyable review. Mike
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You're welcome.
Joan
