Healthy Health Club
about wanting to belong15 total reviews
Comment from InterestingRon
The descriptions are so vivid in this beautifully crafted short tale that I'm convinced this must be based on fact.
Young adults can be so cruel at times - the hurt can last a lifetime.
Thankfully, this story has a happy ending.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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The descriptions are so vivid in this beautifully crafted short tale that I'm convinced this must be based on fact.
Young adults can be so cruel at times - the hurt can last a lifetime.
Thankfully, this story has a happy ending.
Ron xox
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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You know how tough it is to write stories for me so I appreciate the support and opinion on this one. xoxo Kiwi
Comment from Aski
It almost sounds like a story a mother would tell her little girl who is having popularity problems. What makes a person acceptable, a good friend are indeed the hard work, truth, honor, love. It takes time for mature eyes to see past good looks or how many friends one has on Facebook. I do love the twist as the end: "I come from an ancient clan of Karma witches." I enjoyed your story
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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It almost sounds like a story a mother would tell her little girl who is having popularity problems. What makes a person acceptable, a good friend are indeed the hard work, truth, honor, love. It takes time for mature eyes to see past good looks or how many friends one has on Facebook. I do love the twist as the end: "I come from an ancient clan of Karma witches." I enjoyed your story
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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I want to say thank you on your review. I want to be a real writer but, can never think of an ending. You give me pause and hope with your review. Thank you for that. xoxo Kiwi
Comment from BethShelby
This is a great story for children and young teens. So many of them feel like outcasts and they aren't good enough to be popular. The morals in this story are outstanding. I really enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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This is a great story for children and young teens. So many of them feel like outcasts and they aren't good enough to be popular. The morals in this story are outstanding. I really enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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oh Beth you have made my day ... big sigh .... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...lol. To receive validation that I may be on the right track with an actual story from you is just too wonderful for words! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my work. xoxo Kiwi
Comment from quashdog
"a store bought one. Those only came for Easter and Christmas or a birthday if you were (I was; the narrator is relating her story, not mine) really lucky."
It felt like a (was my; delete, felt like a) chance to be popular.
girls already liked me so how could I possibility (possibly) not get in?
"I opened it happier than I can remember ever being."
Rephrase this sentence to better describe the emotion; sugestion: "I opened it with giddiness and nervous anticipation." This way the reader can feel the excitement as opposed to "happier than ever being" since the reader has no point of reference as to how happy you've been before and how does this compare to that.
I went back and reread the story two more times and it is like one of those movies that just grows on you. I've decided that the errors I pointed out are negligible in comparison to the overall content of your post.
Good little story. I guess that being a popular kid in school does not guarantee success in life. I was a nerdy boy in school so I can relate.
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reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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"a store bought one. Those only came for Easter and Christmas or a birthday if you were (I was; the narrator is relating her story, not mine) really lucky."
It felt like a (was my; delete, felt like a) chance to be popular.
girls already liked me so how could I possibility (possibly) not get in?
"I opened it happier than I can remember ever being."
Rephrase this sentence to better describe the emotion; sugestion: "I opened it with giddiness and nervous anticipation." This way the reader can feel the excitement as opposed to "happier than ever being" since the reader has no point of reference as to how happy you've been before and how does this compare to that.
I went back and reread the story two more times and it is like one of those movies that just grows on you. I've decided that the errors I pointed out are negligible in comparison to the overall content of your post.
Good little story. I guess that being a popular kid in school does not guarantee success in life. I was a nerdy boy in school so I can relate.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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help me out here quash what can I do to make it better...lol...that's one of the reasons I'm scared to death to try writing stories because I don't want to write trivial ...plus I couldn't figure out category, and I thought it might be good to try a new writing medium for me.
lol...see what I'm saying...lol. thanks for the read and review. xoxo Kiwi
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Thank you ... this was the help I needed. Fresh eyes to see mistakes like the ones outlined (which have all been corrected) that give a little more validity to the read. Thank you and for re-evaluating the story. I don't care as much about the stars for anything I do as much as I value true critique! xoxo Kiwi
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Thanks Kiwigirl for becoming a fan. I know I have my own shortcomings and it does take somebody else reading you to point them out. I've had plenty of errors pointed out in my writing and it does help to become a better writer.
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yowzerssssssssssss I'm with ya now get ready! lol xoxo Kiwi
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is a light hearted story that's fun to read. Your writing flows well with no difficult or wordy sentences to throw the reader off course.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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This is a light hearted story that's fun to read. Your writing flows well with no difficult or wordy sentences to throw the reader off course.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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thank you for the read and review but, I assure you it is one of the reasons I do not usually attempt stories because,
1. I can never think of endings and
2. I hate the idea of cutesy trivial stories...this was probably more for children than adults but couldn't figure that out so I let it go. I figure people will tell me if it sucks and hopefully how to fix...lol
thanks again. xoxo Kiwi
