Broken Ties (finale)
The ending of my second short story11 total reviews
Comment from elchupakabra
Tommy and Sean screamed together, "No you will not." (this is an instance where exclamation point definitely needed with two people screaming)
After about 6�?�½ months of bi-weekly (character typo)
Other than these small details I thought this was good work. Thanks for sharing. Later daze.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2020
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Tommy and Sean screamed together, "No you will not." (this is an instance where exclamation point definitely needed with two people screaming)
After about 6�?�½ months of bi-weekly (character typo)
Other than these small details I thought this was good work. Thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2020
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Thanks for the reviw. I will change it to an exclamation mark. The characters between 6 1/2 are a computer glitch. They are not in my post, so can't be removed.
dp
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It's the 1/2 that you have that's making them do that, you could change it to 6 and one half months and it would probably remove it.
Comment from Ben Colder
After about 6�?�½ months of bi-weekly phone conversations, Tommy said, "Well , I am now between jobs. I have 2 weeks before my new job starts. Would you feel ready for a date? Would Sean be okay with it?"
I see nothing wrong except the top which cut and past does this here on this site.
Best to you in your writing carer
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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After about 6�?�½ months of bi-weekly phone conversations, Tommy said, "Well , I am now between jobs. I have 2 weeks before my new job starts. Would you feel ready for a date? Would Sean be okay with it?"
I see nothing wrong except the top which cut and past does this here on this site.
Best to you in your writing carer
Comment Written 15-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Thanks for reading and reviewing
dp
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a good story, but it looks like you typed out your first draft, and never reread it aloud to catch your mistakes. Read slowly searching for mistakes.
Typos:
So his preamble, with and (an) impish grin, was, "I will start when I left my cabin and your mom will pick up the story when she fell into my arms."
If it gets to (too) dark, I can use the flashlight I saw by the door on my way home."
Before he closed it, he yelled over his shoulder, "See you tomorrow afternoon then"(.")
Together the both echoed, "Bye, see you tomorrow"(.")
He woke the next morning with the television still on. He got dressed, turned it off, ate a quick brunch, and left the cabin out the back door .(door.)
"As soon as she is done, I'll have her back on the couch. I'll sit on her if I have to. (to so) so she stays there."
She glared at both of them and replied rebelliously, "I am done, I will bring (take) these dishes back to the kitchen."
While they were eating their desert, ( home made (homemade) chocolate chip cookies) (incomplete sentence.)
After about 6 �?�½ (6-1/2) months of bi-weekly phone conversations, Tommy said, "Well , ("Well,) I am now between jobs.
"No ("No,) you're (your) slave can only handle an Alfa Romeo" (Romeo.")
His mind was wandering. Though just over 6 (six) months ago his life was falling apart, now it had totally turned around.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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This is a good story, but it looks like you typed out your first draft, and never reread it aloud to catch your mistakes. Read slowly searching for mistakes.
Typos:
So his preamble, with and (an) impish grin, was, "I will start when I left my cabin and your mom will pick up the story when she fell into my arms."
If it gets to (too) dark, I can use the flashlight I saw by the door on my way home."
Before he closed it, he yelled over his shoulder, "See you tomorrow afternoon then"(.")
Together the both echoed, "Bye, see you tomorrow"(.")
He woke the next morning with the television still on. He got dressed, turned it off, ate a quick brunch, and left the cabin out the back door .(door.)
"As soon as she is done, I'll have her back on the couch. I'll sit on her if I have to. (to so) so she stays there."
She glared at both of them and replied rebelliously, "I am done, I will bring (take) these dishes back to the kitchen."
While they were eating their desert, ( home made (homemade) chocolate chip cookies) (incomplete sentence.)
After about 6 �?�½ (6-1/2) months of bi-weekly phone conversations, Tommy said, "Well , ("Well,) I am now between jobs.
"No ("No,) you're (your) slave can only handle an Alfa Romeo" (Romeo.")
His mind was wandering. Though just over 6 (six) months ago his life was falling apart, now it had totally turned around.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Thanks for the kind words and constructive criticism
Joan
Comment from royowen
It seems to have moved on from Char, that was an interesting relationship between he and Chat, perhaps this one will be more rewarding, I loved this developing liaison with Katie, beautifully written Joan, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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It seems to have moved on from Char, that was an interesting relationship between he and Chat, perhaps this one will be more rewarding, I loved this developing liaison with Katie, beautifully written Joan, blessings Roy
Comment Written 05-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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I am glad you like the whole story. I appreciate you comment immensely.
Joan
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Well done Joan
Comment from robyn corum
Joan,
This post confused me from the start. *smile* I didn't know you wrote much prose, first of all - but then I saw you said so in the intro, so that made me feel better. I wasn't just losing my mind. ha.
But I also didn't understand why you posted this as poetry. Not only does it kinda confuse the reader a little - it is bad for you as a writer. You won't get credit for it on the rankings (which might not matter to you) but it costs you WAY more to promote it.
To post a single poem -- for example -- I buy a 9.95 certificate and then add four pumps to get it to .52 cents.
To post a single chapter or story I only have to buy the 9.95 certificate - and it's automatically listed for that same .52 cents! I save those four pumps!!! AndI saw here that you added WAY MORE than four pumps, right??
So, it's something to consider for next time, maybe.
I have some editing notes for you, as well. Remember, you are welcome to use them or toss them - haha -- as you like.
1.) So his preamble, with (an) impish grin,
2.) Tommy looked at Katie and scolded, "Don't get up!,"
--> only one from of punctuation allowed - delete the comma at the end, maybe?
3.) If it gets to(o) dark, I can use the flashlight
4.) "There's some fish I caught in the freezer(,)" Sean informed Tommy.
--> only one form of punctuation
5.) Sean smiled slyly and added, "Not, really
--> "Not really.
--> no comma in the middle
6.) yelled over his shoulder, "See you tomorrow afternoon then(!)"
7.) Together the both echoed, "Bye, see you tomorrow(.)"
--> both the above sentences needed end punctuation - your choice
8.) Tommy had barely finished knocking before it open(ed).
9.) Tommy bowed to Katie say(ing), "My lady, I am glad this servant
10.) After dinner of breaded fish and fries was cleaned up,
--> Okay, fresh fish sounds yummy, but they JUST had FISH and FRIES LAST NIGHT.
11.) without putting un(due) weight on her ankle.
12.) While they were eating their des(s)ert, ([no space] home[no space] made chocolate chip cookies) .
--> but that is not a complete sentence. 'while they were eating their dessert...' what??? did something happen? did you leave off part of the sentence?
13.) After about 6 �?�½ months of bi-weekly phone conversations,
--> need to delete those symbols
14.) "No (your) slave can only handle an Alfa Romeo(.)"
That's it. I am quite impressed at your prose skills. You've been hiding from us all along, haven't you? *smile* Sneaky! I hope you can find something useful here. Keep up the prose -- this shows you need some tweaking, but only on the small stuff. Kudos! Nice work!
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Joan,
This post confused me from the start. *smile* I didn't know you wrote much prose, first of all - but then I saw you said so in the intro, so that made me feel better. I wasn't just losing my mind. ha.
But I also didn't understand why you posted this as poetry. Not only does it kinda confuse the reader a little - it is bad for you as a writer. You won't get credit for it on the rankings (which might not matter to you) but it costs you WAY more to promote it.
To post a single poem -- for example -- I buy a 9.95 certificate and then add four pumps to get it to .52 cents.
To post a single chapter or story I only have to buy the 9.95 certificate - and it's automatically listed for that same .52 cents! I save those four pumps!!! AndI saw here that you added WAY MORE than four pumps, right??
So, it's something to consider for next time, maybe.
I have some editing notes for you, as well. Remember, you are welcome to use them or toss them - haha -- as you like.
1.) So his preamble, with (an) impish grin,
2.) Tommy looked at Katie and scolded, "Don't get up!,"
--> only one from of punctuation allowed - delete the comma at the end, maybe?
3.) If it gets to(o) dark, I can use the flashlight
4.) "There's some fish I caught in the freezer(,)" Sean informed Tommy.
--> only one form of punctuation
5.) Sean smiled slyly and added, "Not, really
--> "Not really.
--> no comma in the middle
6.) yelled over his shoulder, "See you tomorrow afternoon then(!)"
7.) Together the both echoed, "Bye, see you tomorrow(.)"
--> both the above sentences needed end punctuation - your choice
8.) Tommy had barely finished knocking before it open(ed).
9.) Tommy bowed to Katie say(ing), "My lady, I am glad this servant
10.) After dinner of breaded fish and fries was cleaned up,
--> Okay, fresh fish sounds yummy, but they JUST had FISH and FRIES LAST NIGHT.
11.) without putting un(due) weight on her ankle.
12.) While they were eating their des(s)ert, ([no space] home[no space] made chocolate chip cookies) .
--> but that is not a complete sentence. 'while they were eating their dessert...' what??? did something happen? did you leave off part of the sentence?
13.) After about 6 �?�½ months of bi-weekly phone conversations,
--> need to delete those symbols
14.) "No (your) slave can only handle an Alfa Romeo(.)"
That's it. I am quite impressed at your prose skills. You've been hiding from us all along, haven't you? *smile* Sneaky! I hope you can find something useful here. Keep up the prose -- this shows you need some tweaking, but only on the small stuff. Kudos! Nice work!
Comment Written 05-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Thanks for your review. I am glad you think I write prose well. I wrote this probably over 10 years ago. It was very stressful becauuse you see that my typing skills are much lower than my supposed story telling skills. Maybe I should learn to use a spell checker.
Joan
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Do you type your stories in a word processor like Word before you move them over to FanStory?
Comment from lyenochka
It seems you posted this as "poetry" not prose. Prose is cheaper to promote than poetry so I wonder if you can change it?
The story has a satisfying happy ending and all the characters are likable and relatable. To make it better stylistically, it would benefit from more "showing" than "telling."
Punctuation issue:
freezer.", Sean --> freezer," Sean
"Good planning son,' (last quote should be double quote and I suggest:
"Good planning, Son," because 'son' is used like a name.)
"without putting undo weight on her ankle." (undue)
After about 6 �?�½ months (better to write out the number: six and a half. FS basic editor can't handle special characters.)
"No you're slave can only" (your)
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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It seems you posted this as "poetry" not prose. Prose is cheaper to promote than poetry so I wonder if you can change it?
The story has a satisfying happy ending and all the characters are likable and relatable. To make it better stylistically, it would benefit from more "showing" than "telling."
Punctuation issue:
freezer.", Sean --> freezer," Sean
"Good planning son,' (last quote should be double quote and I suggest:
"Good planning, Son," because 'son' is used like a name.)
"without putting undo weight on her ankle." (undue)
After about 6 �?�½ months (better to write out the number: six and a half. FS basic editor can't handle special characters.)
"No you're slave can only" (your)
Comment Written 05-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Lyenochka,
Thanks for the review and the catch on the way I posted it. I will try to check it out. I was also going to look into the possibility of adding links to the previous chapters on each of the sections.
Joan
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I like this short story (finale) and have enjoyed the theme, plot and realistic and contributory dialogues, happy ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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I like this short story (finale) and have enjoyed the theme, plot and realistic and contributory dialogues, happy ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 05-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Thanks for the encouraging comments and for all the stars.
dp
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
I HAVE NOT READ PART 1; DO NOT KNOW YOUR NAME TO BRING IT UP. THIS PART HAS BELEIVABLE AND LIKABLE CHARACTERS. TOMMY'S HOPE AT THE END VALID.
HOWEVER THERE ARE SEVERAL TYPOS, SOME MISSING " MARKS, AND ONE SENTENCE - THE LAST ENTRY BELOW - THAT NEEDS YOUR HELP. LET ME KNOW AFTER YOU'VE GONE THROUGH AND I'LL ADD ANOTHER STAR MINIMALLY.
Sean laughed as both of their faced [faces] reddened.
down to the floor replacing a pilloe [pillow] under
Katie whined, ["]I wand [want] to be outside too.
["]Th thanks, but I.. I am not a professional,["]
you your] mother since you know she can't be
'No it is and [an] order.
["]So, how about dinner and a movie tomorrow, Katie."
"No you're slave can only handle am [an] Alfa Romeo"
The though just over 6 months ago his life was falling apart and now he had a new job and a possibly budding new relationship. [Please read the sentence aloud so you can hear it; I know it's not right, but am not sure what correction to make]
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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I HAVE NOT READ PART 1; DO NOT KNOW YOUR NAME TO BRING IT UP. THIS PART HAS BELEIVABLE AND LIKABLE CHARACTERS. TOMMY'S HOPE AT THE END VALID.
HOWEVER THERE ARE SEVERAL TYPOS, SOME MISSING " MARKS, AND ONE SENTENCE - THE LAST ENTRY BELOW - THAT NEEDS YOUR HELP. LET ME KNOW AFTER YOU'VE GONE THROUGH AND I'LL ADD ANOTHER STAR MINIMALLY.
Sean laughed as both of their faced [faces] reddened.
down to the floor replacing a pilloe [pillow] under
Katie whined, ["]I wand [want] to be outside too.
["]Th thanks, but I.. I am not a professional,["]
you your] mother since you know she can't be
'No it is and [an] order.
["]So, how about dinner and a movie tomorrow, Katie."
"No you're slave can only handle am [an] Alfa Romeo"
The though just over 6 months ago his life was falling apart and now he had a new job and a possibly budding new relationship. [Please read the sentence aloud so you can hear it; I know it's not right, but am not sure what correction to make]
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thanks for the review and all the editing help. I think I have made all the changes. See if it is better. Their are actually three other shorter sections. Broken Ties, Broken Ties(chapter2), Broken Ties(chapter 3)
dragonpoet
Comment from The Stranger
well a very well proportioned piece of work, greatly boosted by the clear and concise narratives and it flowed as perfect as ever
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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well a very well proportioned piece of work, greatly boosted by the clear and concise narratives and it flowed as perfect as ever
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thanks for the encourage words and all the stars.
dragonpoet
Comment from Rama Rao
Since it was posted under the genre general poetry, I read it with interest. Unfortunately, I found the story not progressing at all. It was full of minute and irrelevant details. I found many spags distracting my attention. I edit as I read,
1. something,
2. blushed,
3. whispered,
4. stuck out his hand.
5. call me Tommy.
6. he returned while shaking his hand surprised at Sean's firm grip.-confusing structure.
7. Sean, trying to be polite said,
8. "Don't get up."
9. Tommy was surprised enough at their duet that Sean finished-what duet? There should be a period after finished.
10. Sean agreed with a head shake and then sat down opposite his mom at the coffee table and picked turned on the TV. -too many ands here. Commas used instead. Picked turned on the TV?
11. Sean supplied- strange dialogue tag.
12. drinks and dinner on the table,
13. Katie off the couch, so her legs
and so on. By the time it was 11:45 AM, I found the story didn't progress at all, and my interest waned completely. I left it here. Kindly edit it and use only such dialogues relevant to the story.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2010
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Since it was posted under the genre general poetry, I read it with interest. Unfortunately, I found the story not progressing at all. It was full of minute and irrelevant details. I found many spags distracting my attention. I edit as I read,
1. something,
2. blushed,
3. whispered,
4. stuck out his hand.
5. call me Tommy.
6. he returned while shaking his hand surprised at Sean's firm grip.-confusing structure.
7. Sean, trying to be polite said,
8. "Don't get up."
9. Tommy was surprised enough at their duet that Sean finished-what duet? There should be a period after finished.
10. Sean agreed with a head shake and then sat down opposite his mom at the coffee table and picked turned on the TV. -too many ands here. Commas used instead. Picked turned on the TV?
11. Sean supplied- strange dialogue tag.
12. drinks and dinner on the table,
13. Katie off the couch, so her legs
and so on. By the time it was 11:45 AM, I found the story didn't progress at all, and my interest waned completely. I left it here. Kindly edit it and use only such dialogues relevant to the story.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2010
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THanks for the thorough review. I will edit it and then message you and see if you like the changes. This is only my second short story.
dragonpoet
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I have edited the short story. Please reread it and see if it is any better.
If not maybe I'll stay with just writing poems. Now I know how much work writing short stories takes. It would probably take the rest of my life to write a novel.
dragonpoet
