Snow In Summer
A kitten and I play21 total reviews
Comment from anne1204
A lovely little poetic story about your and your kittens. Memories make the best stories. They are real and full of emotions. A very enjoyable read. Anne 1204
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
  |
A lovely little poetic story about your and your kittens. Memories make the best stories. They are real and full of emotions. A very enjoyable read. Anne 1204
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
-
Hi Anne! Thank you SO much, for always taking time for me. I am thrilled that you enjoyed this. My Mom used to come and get me and I would have to bundle the kittens up and take them back to the barn. I used to read there too, sure wish I could have another snowball bush. THey are so neat!! ") Susan
Comment from Just Alyx
It's great to see all these little pieces you're offering up in your experiments with flash writes, Susan. Yep, kittens are as captivating as crawling bubs and toddlers, aren't they? Whether you wrote this just for the enjoyment of penning it, or not, I know you're still interested in suggestions, so I'll offer you a few. You always use those you see as valid and toss the rest (politely), which is something I enjoy about you as a writer:
"down" in your opening para isn't necessary because falling shows it well enough. "falling on" is more than adequate.
this tiny kitten and I. I am entranced by these antics he entertains me--using the same word back-to-back in end/beginning sentences is poor writing technique and should be avoided. Also, entertains/entranced is pretty much the same thing. It might work better for you to pen something like, "His antics [entertain/entrance] me as he climbs and runs to and fro between the trunk of the shrub and my lap."
I lean back, my eyes closed[,] and soak
[My] little feline warrior [attacks me] and I tickle--would be tighter phrasing and offer more direct imagery, while more in keeping with present tense as well. You might also consider using "while he bats" instead of using 'as' again because too many uses can weaken action writing.
Soon[,] though, he tires--you need to comma off "though", but I'd be inclined to leave it out altogether as it doesn't add anything relevant. The rest of that para is run-on, and the thoughts feel a bit clumsy for that soft, beautiful ending moment together. I'd suggest giving it more independent power (rephrase and break into sentences) to promote the lovely imagery and emotions of contentment together as kitten and friend, in love with each other.
One final thought: "vibrating purr" is a worn description for purring. Something more dynamic would express his deep contentment better ... rumbling/intense/rhythmic?
Anyway, none of the suggestions are big issues, just thoughts for stronger impact on the senses. Regardless, it's a comforting and pleasant read (as a big cat lover, myself). I share your strong love of horses, too. Most of these are creative suggestions, so the five is valid, as I see it. Lovely write, and all the best for your Christmas this year. Cheers and bums up. Lucas.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
|
It's great to see all these little pieces you're offering up in your experiments with flash writes, Susan. Yep, kittens are as captivating as crawling bubs and toddlers, aren't they? Whether you wrote this just for the enjoyment of penning it, or not, I know you're still interested in suggestions, so I'll offer you a few. You always use those you see as valid and toss the rest (politely), which is something I enjoy about you as a writer:
"down" in your opening para isn't necessary because falling shows it well enough. "falling on" is more than adequate.
this tiny kitten and I. I am entranced by these antics he entertains me--using the same word back-to-back in end/beginning sentences is poor writing technique and should be avoided. Also, entertains/entranced is pretty much the same thing. It might work better for you to pen something like, "His antics [entertain/entrance] me as he climbs and runs to and fro between the trunk of the shrub and my lap."
I lean back, my eyes closed[,] and soak
[My] little feline warrior [attacks me] and I tickle--would be tighter phrasing and offer more direct imagery, while more in keeping with present tense as well. You might also consider using "while he bats" instead of using 'as' again because too many uses can weaken action writing.
Soon[,] though, he tires--you need to comma off "though", but I'd be inclined to leave it out altogether as it doesn't add anything relevant. The rest of that para is run-on, and the thoughts feel a bit clumsy for that soft, beautiful ending moment together. I'd suggest giving it more independent power (rephrase and break into sentences) to promote the lovely imagery and emotions of contentment together as kitten and friend, in love with each other.
One final thought: "vibrating purr" is a worn description for purring. Something more dynamic would express his deep contentment better ... rumbling/intense/rhythmic?
Anyway, none of the suggestions are big issues, just thoughts for stronger impact on the senses. Regardless, it's a comforting and pleasant read (as a big cat lover, myself). I share your strong love of horses, too. Most of these are creative suggestions, so the five is valid, as I see it. Lovely write, and all the best for your Christmas this year. Cheers and bums up. Lucas.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
-
Hi Lucas! Wow, and thank you again for all these helpful hints! I will employ them, after reading this again, you are right. I will work on it now. I love this story, because these times were some of my best childhood memories. Thank you so very much for your time and help! ") Suse
-
Nice editing, Suse. Yes, it is a special story. I forgot to read the author notes (usually do forget to on any piece), so all the more special because it's in commemoration of your mum. No worries, and thanks again. I enjoy your writes, so a fan I am--I always look out for them when I have the time. All the best.
Comment from Rama Rao
A good short story in memory of your mom. The title attracted me.
However, delete down after falling. Secondly move the modifier, hidden from the world... to the beginning of the sentence.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2010
|
A good short story in memory of your mom. The title attracted me.
However, delete down after falling. Secondly move the modifier, hidden from the world... to the beginning of the sentence.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2010
-
Hi there! I fixed these, and thank you very much! It does sound better now! I really appreciate your help Ramarao, and time for me. I hope you are keeping warm and will have a great holiday too. Susan
Comment from Dave M
Susan,
This is an excellent short post about a good time with your kitten. The snow in summer threw me a bit until you mentioned the snowball shrub. This technique worked well for you. I couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2010
|
Susan,
This is an excellent short post about a good time with your kitten. The snow in summer threw me a bit until you mentioned the snowball shrub. This technique worked well for you. I couldn't find anything to criticize.
Dave
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2010
-
Hi Dave! You are a kind and faithful reviewer for me...What a treat! Thank you so much!! ") I am always happy to hear from you! Susan
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write and good imagery. I don't like the snow no matter what the time of the year. I enjoyed this story and I love the picture of the kitten. A good write with good flow and imagery. Mary
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
|
A good write and good imagery. I don't like the snow no matter what the time of the year. I enjoyed this story and I love the picture of the kitten. A good write with good flow and imagery. Mary
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
-
Hi Mary! ") Thank you!! I am thrilled that you liked this, it means the world to me. I wish I could go back to those happier days. ") Thanks again my friend! Susan
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I think your mom would have been very proud of this. Beautiful little story. I too have cats and a snowball bush!
Thank you for sharing this lovely story. Debbie
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
|
I think your mom would have been very proud of this. Beautiful little story. I too have cats and a snowball bush!
Thank you for sharing this lovely story. Debbie
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
-
OH neat!! Debbie, that's great...This coming spring, promise me you will take the time to go sit beneath it and play with your cats and or kittens? I am thrilled that you liked this and actually have a snowball bush too!! Oh, enjoy enjoy!! ") hug!! suse
Comment from mumsyone
I'm partial to cats of any kind, so I like your description of the kitten playing and then sleeping. I find that every cat has its own distinct personality. An edited version of this story would make a nice free verse poem.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
|
I'm partial to cats of any kind, so I like your description of the kitten playing and then sleeping. I find that every cat has its own distinct personality. An edited version of this story would make a nice free verse poem.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
-
Hi Mumsy! Thank you very much! It's nice to meet another cat lover! I didn't think about a poem, but that's a good idea! ") I hope you will have a wonderful holiday too!! ") Suse
Comment from RebelRose
This is so sweet and has very good imagery. You describe very well the antics and actions of a kitten. I recall the times in my life that I have had a kitten and enjoyed playing with it just like this.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
|
This is so sweet and has very good imagery. You describe very well the antics and actions of a kitten. I recall the times in my life that I have had a kitten and enjoyed playing with it just like this.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2010
-
Hi Rose! Thank you and I am sorry for the slow reply! I am thrilled to know you liked this! Merry Christmas to you and your family!! xoxo. Susan
Comment from adewpearl
You and I were both feeling nostalgic when posting today, Susan. What a lovely little story - what a great image of the snow falling in summer from the snowball tree on you and Smudge. This is just such a happy slice of life story that has left me with a smile :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
|
You and I were both feeling nostalgic when posting today, Susan. What a lovely little story - what a great image of the snow falling in summer from the snowball tree on you and Smudge. This is just such a happy slice of life story that has left me with a smile :-) Brooke
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
-
Hi Brooke! I am so sorry for this late reply...thank you so much. I wish SO badly for yesterdays. It's getting to be terrible. I am very happy tho, that this made you smile! That's what it's all about! Luv, Susan
Comment from dportwood
Realist,
Your story paints pictures in the mind of the reader and brings a smile as you share a special moment in time. Very nicely done.
Duane
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
|
Realist,
Your story paints pictures in the mind of the reader and brings a smile as you share a special moment in time. Very nicely done.
Duane
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
-
Hi Duane! Thank you very much!! I am so glad you liked this...Merry Christmas to you and your family!! ") Susan
