The Phone Call
Contest entry43 total reviews
Comment from Mithma
I stopped to look at a work of yours since you were nominated a Recognized Writer. My Congratulations! Reading your story left me confused. If this girl stayed with her father with continuous abusing she has to be an underage. Otherwise she could runaway without threatening to kill her father. Then if she is an underage the court would not sentenced her to Death with seemingly ten years imprisonment. (Atleast in our country). She will be sent to a Home. But I don't know how it is in 1945-55 era.
Anyway I think it is better if you go for more stronger case and still stick into having sentenced for a crime she didn't comitted.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2010
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I stopped to look at a work of yours since you were nominated a Recognized Writer. My Congratulations! Reading your story left me confused. If this girl stayed with her father with continuous abusing she has to be an underage. Otherwise she could runaway without threatening to kill her father. Then if she is an underage the court would not sentenced her to Death with seemingly ten years imprisonment. (Atleast in our country). She will be sent to a Home. But I don't know how it is in 1945-55 era.
Anyway I think it is better if you go for more stronger case and still stick into having sentenced for a crime she didn't comitted.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2010
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In 1945 anyone 16 years or older could, and often did, receive the death sentence and in some states it was much younger. Abuse in any form was seldom a successful defense. I made a point of not specifying the age of the main character for this very reason. It was not unusual for a child as old as 18 or 19 to continue living in the home, especially an abusive home. Fear far too often prevents the abused from leaving. My primary point was to show that the main character has accepted his or her fate and is ready to face what comes next. I appreciate your comments and hope this clears up the confusion.
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Thank you for bothering to reply me. Reading your story rang a bell in me. At the time I write the review, I couldn't remember it. But then when I read your clarification I remembered it. It is "A Thousand Splendid Suns" written by Afghan author Khaled Hosseini in 2007. It is a brilliant story and I request you to read it, if you haven't read it already. The fate and the pattern of thinking of Mariam in the story is as similar to the main character in your story. (We blame them (the afgans)for their behaviour in 1990, but it seems (after reading your reply) that we are not very different from them half a century ago.)
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I will definitely read A Thousand Splendid Suns. I am glad my clarification helped you better understand my story. You made a good point and it DID need clarifying.
Comment from adewpearl
Sentenced to death, my attorney - misplaced modifier - your attorney was not sentenced to death
The narrator must have had the worst attorney practicing law in the entire country to be sentenced to death for killing an abusive father whom everyone knew was abusive and who had been reported to the cops many times. So few people are actually executed or even given the death penalty that it is a bit of a stretch to think it would have been meted out in this case. You write extremely well as you always do, but the fact that I had a hard time finding this credible worked against my being really drawn into the story. Brooke
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2010
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Sentenced to death, my attorney - misplaced modifier - your attorney was not sentenced to death
The narrator must have had the worst attorney practicing law in the entire country to be sentenced to death for killing an abusive father whom everyone knew was abusive and who had been reported to the cops many times. So few people are actually executed or even given the death penalty that it is a bit of a stretch to think it would have been meted out in this case. You write extremely well as you always do, but the fact that I had a hard time finding this credible worked against my being really drawn into the story. Brooke
Comment Written 10-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2010
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You are right, I need to go back and clarify that this takes place in the early 50's. If it did in fact take place now, maybe the attorney SHOULD have been sentenced to death....I'll fix that too.
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Ah, the time DOES make a big difference - if I missed that somewhere along the line, I'm sorry - you know I'm your biggest fan :-)
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No, you did not miss it. It was a good point and I went back and made the necessary changes to clarify that this took place when few if any saw abuse as a reason for self-defense.
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I just reread it - MUCH better now :-) I feel odd saying anything critical at all about your writing since I truly do think you're remarkably talented :-)
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Good gracious! I joined FS to get advice and suggestions so PLEASE never hesitate to criticize or offer suggestions. You and I know I am the worst on the planet with punctuation...or at least darn near the top!!!
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Oh, punctuation is a whole other thing - I never feel hesitant to mention commas, but actual story elements, that seems more intrusive :-)
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Not at all. When I write I don't always convey what I intend to say in a manner that is clear. I never have a problem with suggestions or questions.
Comment from WRITER1
Excellent flash fiction. I guess we will never know whether or not the call does indeed come. But the message was clear. I liked this.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2010
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Excellent flash fiction. I guess we will never know whether or not the call does indeed come. But the message was clear. I liked this.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2010
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Thanks. Flash Fiction is definitely a challenge for me.
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I have always had trouble with flash fiction. I don't think my mind works that way.
Comment from fictionwriter
Interesting little story. Knowing that he would have killed his father sooner or later, probably made it easier to deal with being accused of it. Great job.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Interesting little story. Knowing that he would have killed his father sooner or later, probably made it easier to deal with being accused of it. Great job.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thanks for the great review. I am pleased you liked this one despite its dark nature.
Comment from vickib
Great flash fiction write. I needed my list from Les suneagle's class. I took that class. He gave us a check list when we review, can't find it now. But you said a lot in a few words and I sure understood and felt the emotion. This reminds me of Carla Tucker who was sentenced to death and was put to death. The difference is though she was guilty, but a completely changed person, truly. I have mixed feelings about the death sentence and have watched many shows about wrongful convictions being overturned. But what about those out there that weren't? Sure does make you tighten up your writing doesn't it? Great job! Vicki
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Great flash fiction write. I needed my list from Les suneagle's class. I took that class. He gave us a check list when we review, can't find it now. But you said a lot in a few words and I sure understood and felt the emotion. This reminds me of Carla Tucker who was sentenced to death and was put to death. The difference is though she was guilty, but a completely changed person, truly. I have mixed feelings about the death sentence and have watched many shows about wrongful convictions being overturned. But what about those out there that weren't? Sure does make you tighten up your writing doesn't it? Great job! Vicki
Comment Written 08-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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I have not taken the class...too poor. But always wanted to try flash fiction. I have a tendency to be wordy and this was really a challenge for me. Glad you liked it.
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LOL me too. My husband bought it for me. He thinks it will keep me out of trouble. LOL It does make you use words wisely doesn't it?
Comment from marcii
How terrible it must be for all those that a not guilty for the crimes they are convicted of especially thos that are given the death penalty.
You have written a good story here that is very descriptive.
Good luck in the contest.
Marcii
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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How terrible it must be for all those that a not guilty for the crimes they are convicted of especially thos that are given the death penalty.
You have written a good story here that is very descriptive.
Good luck in the contest.
Marcii
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Yes, it must be horrific. I cannot imagine what it must be like. Thanks for the great review.
Comment from Rama Rao
Any story of child abuse evokes great sympathy. However, you scripted the story showing the emotions of a young girl, abused repeatedly, vividly. The narrative was excellent. I think you did a fabulous job at your maiden attempt at this genre.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Any story of child abuse evokes great sympathy. However, you scripted the story showing the emotions of a young girl, abused repeatedly, vividly. The narrative was excellent. I think you did a fabulous job at your maiden attempt at this genre.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much. It was definitely a challenge.
Comment from lola29
Wow! Sasha you certainly know how to build spine-chilling momentum. I can't believe the jury found her guilty, but I'm sure it happens all the time. This was an emotional roller coaster ride. This should rank very high in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Wow! Sasha you certainly know how to build spine-chilling momentum. I can't believe the jury found her guilty, but I'm sure it happens all the time. This was an emotional roller coaster ride. This should rank very high in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Despite public belief, it happens all the time. Glad you liked this one despite its dark nature.
Comment from missy98writer
Sasha,
your flash fiction story titled The Phone call is very well written. Wonderful narrative, great characterization and very good descriptive writing. In a minimum amount of words for a maximum effect you established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. What a story of an abused woman or man being accused of killing their abuser when they weren't the perpetrator. This is why I dislike the death penalty. There have been true cases where they executed an innocent person. Wow, the speech was powerful made as she or he was being executed. What a terrific story for the Flash Fiction contest. I wish you good luck, my friend.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Sasha,
your flash fiction story titled The Phone call is very well written. Wonderful narrative, great characterization and very good descriptive writing. In a minimum amount of words for a maximum effect you established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. What a story of an abused woman or man being accused of killing their abuser when they weren't the perpetrator. This is why I dislike the death penalty. There have been true cases where they executed an innocent person. Wow, the speech was powerful made as she or he was being executed. What a terrific story for the Flash Fiction contest. I wish you good luck, my friend.
Melissa.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much. I am pleased you liked this one despite its dark nature.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I actually felt sympathy for your character and agreed with her. I think she would be tired and welcome death. I am sure you will like flash fiction more and more- I'm about to do a course--really excited about it. Write some more - you're good at it!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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I actually felt sympathy for your character and agreed with her. I think she would be tired and welcome death. I am sure you will like flash fiction more and more- I'm about to do a course--really excited about it. Write some more - you're good at it!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Have to tell you, I cannot order a latte in less than 150 words so this was a real challenge for me. Glad you liked this one despite its dark nature.
