Pumpkin Fate
Bad things happen to bad people.67 total reviews
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
This was a really good tale you've spinned here. This Coley chap was a straight up loser. I'm sure that Laureen probably would have left him long ago. I think that she stayed with him because she was afraid to leave him. I also found myself feeling sorry for the lad. He was taunted mercilessly because he wasn't his biological son. I doubt that it would be any different if he would have been his. Even though he was an evil and hateful man, I wouldn't wish someone burning to death on my worst enemy I don't think. I enjoyed this my friend. Great job and well done. Also, congratulations on the win. You deserved it.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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This was a really good tale you've spinned here. This Coley chap was a straight up loser. I'm sure that Laureen probably would have left him long ago. I think that she stayed with him because she was afraid to leave him. I also found myself feeling sorry for the lad. He was taunted mercilessly because he wasn't his biological son. I doubt that it would be any different if he would have been his. Even though he was an evil and hateful man, I wouldn't wish someone burning to death on my worst enemy I don't think. I enjoyed this my friend. Great job and well done. Also, congratulations on the win. You deserved it.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2019
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Thank you Jeff. I appreciate you and your comments as always. : ) Bob
Comment from A. Willow Bends
Very well written, but hard to read in places. I cannot, CANNOT imagine anyone continuing to live with someone like that. EVER. There are too many resources available now to get them the hell out, esp with children involved. It sickens me. If an adult chooses to live with it, so be it, but with children, it is so very wrong. Guess the old man got what he deserved in the end. Great job.
Wendy
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Very well written, but hard to read in places. I cannot, CANNOT imagine anyone continuing to live with someone like that. EVER. There are too many resources available now to get them the hell out, esp with children involved. It sickens me. If an adult chooses to live with it, so be it, but with children, it is so very wrong. Guess the old man got what he deserved in the end. Great job.
Wendy
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much, Wendy. Your gift of six stars as well as your comments are so much appreciated. : ) Bob
Comment from juliaSjames
So he got his comeuppance, and on Halloween and because of the lit pumpkin. A lot of nuance there, Bob.
Noticed a nit "hare" should be "hair".
As always you're the master of description and character delineation. Not to mention fantastic dialogue.
Great job.
Blessings Julia
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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So he got his comeuppance, and on Halloween and because of the lit pumpkin. A lot of nuance there, Bob.
Noticed a nit "hare" should be "hair".
As always you're the master of description and character delineation. Not to mention fantastic dialogue.
Great job.
Blessings Julia
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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You are such a sweetheart Julia. : ) Thanks so much for continuing to follow my writing. Bob
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is well written. It engages the reader. It uses the required words well. It progresses in a logical and easy to follow manner. Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it again.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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This is well written. It engages the reader. It uses the required words well. It progresses in a logical and easy to follow manner. Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it again.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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You are welcome. : ) Bob
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Bob, that was a great story. It was well-written and very engaging. Your descriptive words painted vivid pictures and your characters and dialogue were top notch. Fine story telling. Good job my friend.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Hello Bob, that was a great story. It was well-written and very engaging. Your descriptive words painted vivid pictures and your characters and dialogue were top notch. Fine story telling. Good job my friend.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you Roddy. : ) Bob
Comment from robyn corum
Bob,
Why would they, indeed? I mean, even if they knew this guy was inside, why would they check - except to may PUT HIM IN THERE. (oops, did I say that?)
What a keeper.
For the zoo, maybe. How is it that some guys are able to hide those behaviors so well for long enough to get a wife? I've always been puzzled by that. It's crazy. You certainly portrayed him well. You made me feeeeeel a great deal for him - and it was not good.
As to the story, it was good, also, but I can tell how much you've grown in these nine years since you originally posted this one. It's striking, actually. It would be more than just 'unusual' for me to make this many notes on one of your current pieces. It would be shocking. *smile* And even then, most of the issues below are simple nits from either not paying close attention (easily explained ) or, I think, from when you made a quick edit and didn't notice the change left a small mistake behind. (also easily explained) Things that happen to all of us!!
As we both know, you are one of the best writers on this site. I always look forward to your posts. They are, without fail, deep, introspective, thoughtful pieces that stay with the reader.
My notes follow:
1.) who enjoyed brawls. His (s)kin was mostly blue with tattoos.
2.) since he staggered in the door at four a.m.,(space)throwing off his clothes and crawling into bed,
3.) Quietly slithering out of bed, his wife Laureen, (<--no comma there)wrapped a fuzzy pink robe around her body.
4.) She had aged a lot in the past four years however and looked much older than her thirty years.
--> 'years' x2
5.) Security wasn't a problem however: (m)any of the trailer-park neighbors owned free-running
6.) The street sounds of Saturday morning included (k)ids screaming, dogs barking,
7.) "Hey,--don't push it!" Coley glared.
--> just one form of punctuation
8.) "Alright. You want me to make the coffee now, or when I get back(?)"
9.) "I don't care . . . wait(.) Yeah I do. Go get the aspirin.
10.) "I need some (hair) from the dog that bit me."
11.) he closed his eyes(, then) rolled the can back and forth on his forehead.
12.) "No shit! That's a real kick in the crotch,(space)isn't it?" He meandered
13.) Laureen knew better than to argue. "Aspirin-- beer, anything else,?"
--> delete the comma at the end, please
14.) but had to move when Coley let his alligator mouth overload his hummingbird tail one Sunday afternoon
--> love!!!!
15.) That's tonight! Josh should be okay 'till I get back.
--> till is actually a word all by itself (I'm sure you know that. *smile* It's 'til that needs the apostrophe
16.) He sat in his LaZboy watching The Shining. Josh
--> La-Z-Boy
17.) With a can of Coors in one hand and a cigarette in the other, he paused in mid-puff, then replaced the pack of smokes and slid the lighter back in his pants pocket.
--> little confusing. Maybe in an earlier version you had him lighting the cig or something? Here, both hands are occupied so he doesn't have one to be holding this stuff.
18.) She had tried to run, but he caught her and tore her pants off. God, he was hitting her so hard.
--> confused. Sounds like he tore her pants off after he got her outside in front of everyone, but you already said she was naked...??
19.) I'll kick your little baggy-panced ass. Got it?"
--> pantsed?
Hate the four, but I hope you'll understand. I do not play favorites. As soon as you let me know you've edited I will hurry back and re-rate.
As for the story - as I said, I see why you won. As always, you entertain and delight. Thank you!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Bob,
Why would they, indeed? I mean, even if they knew this guy was inside, why would they check - except to may PUT HIM IN THERE. (oops, did I say that?)
What a keeper.
For the zoo, maybe. How is it that some guys are able to hide those behaviors so well for long enough to get a wife? I've always been puzzled by that. It's crazy. You certainly portrayed him well. You made me feeeeeel a great deal for him - and it was not good.
As to the story, it was good, also, but I can tell how much you've grown in these nine years since you originally posted this one. It's striking, actually. It would be more than just 'unusual' for me to make this many notes on one of your current pieces. It would be shocking. *smile* And even then, most of the issues below are simple nits from either not paying close attention (easily explained ) or, I think, from when you made a quick edit and didn't notice the change left a small mistake behind. (also easily explained) Things that happen to all of us!!
As we both know, you are one of the best writers on this site. I always look forward to your posts. They are, without fail, deep, introspective, thoughtful pieces that stay with the reader.
My notes follow:
1.) who enjoyed brawls. His (s)kin was mostly blue with tattoos.
2.) since he staggered in the door at four a.m.,(space)throwing off his clothes and crawling into bed,
3.) Quietly slithering out of bed, his wife Laureen, (<--no comma there)wrapped a fuzzy pink robe around her body.
4.) She had aged a lot in the past four years however and looked much older than her thirty years.
--> 'years' x2
5.) Security wasn't a problem however: (m)any of the trailer-park neighbors owned free-running
6.) The street sounds of Saturday morning included (k)ids screaming, dogs barking,
7.) "Hey,--don't push it!" Coley glared.
--> just one form of punctuation
8.) "Alright. You want me to make the coffee now, or when I get back(?)"
9.) "I don't care . . . wait(.) Yeah I do. Go get the aspirin.
10.) "I need some (hair) from the dog that bit me."
11.) he closed his eyes(, then) rolled the can back and forth on his forehead.
12.) "No shit! That's a real kick in the crotch,(space)isn't it?" He meandered
13.) Laureen knew better than to argue. "Aspirin-- beer, anything else,?"
--> delete the comma at the end, please
14.) but had to move when Coley let his alligator mouth overload his hummingbird tail one Sunday afternoon
--> love!!!!
15.) That's tonight! Josh should be okay 'till I get back.
--> till is actually a word all by itself (I'm sure you know that. *smile* It's 'til that needs the apostrophe
16.) He sat in his LaZboy watching The Shining. Josh
--> La-Z-Boy
17.) With a can of Coors in one hand and a cigarette in the other, he paused in mid-puff, then replaced the pack of smokes and slid the lighter back in his pants pocket.
--> little confusing. Maybe in an earlier version you had him lighting the cig or something? Here, both hands are occupied so he doesn't have one to be holding this stuff.
18.) She had tried to run, but he caught her and tore her pants off. God, he was hitting her so hard.
--> confused. Sounds like he tore her pants off after he got her outside in front of everyone, but you already said she was naked...??
19.) I'll kick your little baggy-panced ass. Got it?"
--> pantsed?
Hate the four, but I hope you'll understand. I do not play favorites. As soon as you let me know you've edited I will hurry back and re-rate.
As for the story - as I said, I see why you won. As always, you entertain and delight. Thank you!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you friend. I am glad I must have done enough things right ...in order to win the contest. : ) Bob
Comment from pbomar1115
The story about a horrible man getting his come uppings. The place, characters, the way you made us feel about each of them were thrilling. Expertly crafted.
Phillip
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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The story about a horrible man getting his come uppings. The place, characters, the way you made us feel about each of them were thrilling. Expertly crafted.
Phillip
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you, Phillip. : ) Bob
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You're welcome, Bob.
Phillip
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: ) Bob
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hi Bob. It's clear that your writing is exceptional because of your ability to do descriptive narrative. The story is full of it and it clearly "shows" the story rather than "tells" the story. Robert
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Hi Bob. It's clear that your writing is exceptional because of your ability to do descriptive narrative. The story is full of it and it clearly "shows" the story rather than "tells" the story. Robert
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thank you Robert. : ) Bob
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Wow, And you did it. Great story and a sad look at how some people have to live in this day and age. Coley is a sad example of an alcoholic and the abuse that stems from it.
Laureen and Josh are sad examples of how the victims of that abuse cope. I can see why your story won first place in the contest. Well done, Bob. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Wow, And you did it. Great story and a sad look at how some people have to live in this day and age. Coley is a sad example of an alcoholic and the abuse that stems from it.
Laureen and Josh are sad examples of how the victims of that abuse cope. I can see why your story won first place in the contest. Well done, Bob. Nancy:)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Thanks so much, Nancy. : ) Bob
Comment from Pantygynt
So this is nine years old and it won the contest back then, despite the lengthy 'tell' through fourteen paragraphs before anyone actually opens their mouth. So that goes to show what a lot one learns in nine years.
Actually though I didn't find it boring, and by the time we started on the dialogue I had pretty good pictures in my mind of both Coley and Laureen. You'd probably do it differently today and have some dialogue at the bar. But what the hell it won the contest!
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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So this is nine years old and it won the contest back then, despite the lengthy 'tell' through fourteen paragraphs before anyone actually opens their mouth. So that goes to show what a lot one learns in nine years.
Actually though I didn't find it boring, and by the time we started on the dialogue I had pretty good pictures in my mind of both Coley and Laureen. You'd probably do it differently today and have some dialogue at the bar. But what the hell it won the contest!
Comment Written 20-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
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Exactly, my friend. : ) Bob
