Stillborn
In The Father's office32 total reviews
Comment from MumEsGirl
I love the story. It is a sad one but well told. Just one or two observations as requested. In the opening lines you say O'Day is it? Here we tend to say isn't it.
Do not want to be sitting there. We use don't.
Boyo is not used here it is more of a Welsh phrase. Young fellow, or lad or son is more common.
Begging your pardon - beggin' your pardon. We are very lazy speakers here. 'ing' and 'th' barely exist.
These are just a few itty bitty hints, but overall it was excellently put toghether. If you need really good input try reading so of Ponderr's work. She is Irish too and she does the brogue to perfection.
peace and light
kate
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2010
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I love the story. It is a sad one but well told. Just one or two observations as requested. In the opening lines you say O'Day is it? Here we tend to say isn't it.
Do not want to be sitting there. We use don't.
Boyo is not used here it is more of a Welsh phrase. Young fellow, or lad or son is more common.
Begging your pardon - beggin' your pardon. We are very lazy speakers here. 'ing' and 'th' barely exist.
These are just a few itty bitty hints, but overall it was excellently put toghether. If you need really good input try reading so of Ponderr's work. She is Irish too and she does the brogue to perfection.
peace and light
kate
Comment Written 31-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2010
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Thank you so much for your input, kate. It is very helpful.
Boyo is Welsh? Well I'll be! I will look up up Ponder's portfolio. Thanks again, kate. I owe you one. Peace, Lee
Comment from Realist101
Hi Lee, I really enjoyed this story. I could "hear" the Irish accent, and am wondering if the old man is God? I love things like, "Boyo", your style is very interesting, superbly done. I think this could be published in my humble opinion. Your writing is eloquent, and I read a word here that I will have to look up! Which is fun too. We are never too old to learn? I hope! Susan
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2010
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Hi Lee, I really enjoyed this story. I could "hear" the Irish accent, and am wondering if the old man is God? I love things like, "Boyo", your style is very interesting, superbly done. I think this could be published in my humble opinion. Your writing is eloquent, and I read a word here that I will have to look up! Which is fun too. We are never too old to learn? I hope! Susan
Comment Written 14-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2010
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Thanks again, Susan. I'm tempted to Aw, shucks! Yeah, I think the Old Man is God---or a version, anyway. I'm really happy with this piece. Thanks yet again. Lee
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You are so welcome, I will read more asap! ") S.
Comment from Tellis
I thought this little story was pretty well done and I enjoyed reading it very much.
Just a thought and by no means do I want to tell you how to write your own story, but I thought it would be cool if at the end ther you did this.
(When the boy had left, the old man called out: "Marge."
A slight, harried-looking woman popped her head inside the door and lifted her eyebrow(-s).
"That O'Day boy..."
"Right," she said. "I'll pull some strings.")
You see it now sounds like she was one of the Three Fates from mythology.
Just a minor change, but maybe you don't like it so it's just a suggestion.
Tellis
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2010
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I thought this little story was pretty well done and I enjoyed reading it very much.
Just a thought and by no means do I want to tell you how to write your own story, but I thought it would be cool if at the end ther you did this.
(When the boy had left, the old man called out: "Marge."
A slight, harried-looking woman popped her head inside the door and lifted her eyebrow(-s).
"That O'Day boy..."
"Right," she said. "I'll pull some strings.")
You see it now sounds like she was one of the Three Fates from mythology.
Just a minor change, but maybe you don't like it so it's just a suggestion.
Tellis
Comment Written 12-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2010
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Thank you for the galaxy, and your interesting suggestion. I'm not certain that I want to bring other mythology into it---you know, like mixing metaphors, but I will give it some serious thought. All suggestions are invited. Thank you again for your consideration. Peace, Lee
Comment from Judian James
Good Morning Lee. Another wonderful piece. What an unusual subject matter and you handled it with such grace.
I loved "Boyo", sweet, and the "Father" admitting with all the experience in the world he still can't keep lint out of his belly-button, which I now believe is probably true, looking at the scope of things! Excellent as always. I might consider changing the title and then letting the dialogue lead the reader to the revelation. Another really superb write.
I have a piece in my portfolio called "Waiting" that you would appreciate!
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2010
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Good Morning Lee. Another wonderful piece. What an unusual subject matter and you handled it with such grace.
I loved "Boyo", sweet, and the "Father" admitting with all the experience in the world he still can't keep lint out of his belly-button, which I now believe is probably true, looking at the scope of things! Excellent as always. I might consider changing the title and then letting the dialogue lead the reader to the revelation. Another really superb write.
I have a piece in my portfolio called "Waiting" that you would appreciate!
Comment Written 12-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2010
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Jude, you are far too kind. But I truly appreciate your generousity and encouragement. Before posting, this story had a different title, but both of the two people who read it glided over the word stillborn in the text and got mightily confused. When the certificate for the piece expires, I'll revisit and see if I can find a better solution. I can't tell you how I appreciate your thoughts, comments (and stars). I am anxious to look up "Waiting."
Peace, Lee
Comment from Helen Tan
The theme of this is interesting and I enjoyed the continuation of the story in the closing lines - "Right," she said. "I'll pull some strings." Interesting thoughts, it's all about connection.
Thanks for this.
And there still aren't, my boy.
Mistakes are made.
There's a big space after "boy" - formatting problem which you might want to look into.
The old man addresses the stillborn as "my son", "my boy", "lad" then "boyo" in the last part of the story, I found the shift in these addresses a bit distracting. This is a minor point but I thought I would mention it. It's probably just me.
The old man smiled and O'Day imagined that that must be what the dawn looked like.
I'm not keen on the double mention of "that" as I feel it breaks the flow of the sentence but I understand what you're saying.
I still can't keep the lint out of the belly-button, now can I?"
I laughed at this line. I've always been squirmish of my belly button. My mum used to tell me if I scratch or dig at it, my intestines would spill out. After all, "It's just a knot holding it together." So lint in my belly button ... major problem!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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The theme of this is interesting and I enjoyed the continuation of the story in the closing lines - "Right," she said. "I'll pull some strings." Interesting thoughts, it's all about connection.
Thanks for this.
And there still aren't, my boy.
Mistakes are made.
There's a big space after "boy" - formatting problem which you might want to look into.
The old man addresses the stillborn as "my son", "my boy", "lad" then "boyo" in the last part of the story, I found the shift in these addresses a bit distracting. This is a minor point but I thought I would mention it. It's probably just me.
The old man smiled and O'Day imagined that that must be what the dawn looked like.
I'm not keen on the double mention of "that" as I feel it breaks the flow of the sentence but I understand what you're saying.
I still can't keep the lint out of the belly-button, now can I?"
I laughed at this line. I've always been squirmish of my belly button. My mum used to tell me if I scratch or dig at it, my intestines would spill out. After all, "It's just a knot holding it together." So lint in my belly button ... major problem!
Comment Written 11-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thank you Helen, for reading and reviewing---especially for pointing out ways to improve the story. The belly-button line is my absolute favorite. Sorry for making you squeamish.
Peace, Lee
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What time is it now in the States? I thought most of you would still be in ZZZZ land. =D
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Oops - thanks for subtly pointing out my spelling error - I'm really squirming at my "squeamish" mistake. Have a great day.
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It's about 6 a.m. on the east coast. I like the early morning quiet. I especially enjoy getting reviews at this time from other parts of the world. Thanks. Lee
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
What a sweet story which flowed along so well from the beginning that I couldn't wait to see how it ended. And who knows? It may be closer to the truth than you think!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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What a sweet story which flowed along so well from the beginning that I couldn't wait to see how it ended. And who knows? It may be closer to the truth than you think!
Comment Written 11-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thank you, Giddy, for taking the time to read and review. I'm glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Belinda
This is a amazing write, one I do not expect to encounter here in FS. Your portrayed the plea of the stillborn and helplessness of the 'doctor' so vividly. The one asking, the other answering with the wisest of explanations. My admiration to a work well done.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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This is a amazing write, one I do not expect to encounter here in FS. Your portrayed the plea of the stillborn and helplessness of the 'doctor' so vividly. The one asking, the other answering with the wisest of explanations. My admiration to a work well done.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Oh, Belinda, thank you so much for your very generous review. I'm so happy you enjoyed.
Peace, Lee
Comment from Minglement
I really enjoyed this creative read. What imagination to even come up with the clever storylie and then you executed it so well. The reader is able to really visualize the scene and the characters and to care about them. Well done. Take care -
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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I really enjoyed this creative read. What imagination to even come up with the clever storylie and then you executed it so well. The reader is able to really visualize the scene and the characters and to care about them. Well done. Take care -
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Oh, Minglement, thank you so much for your very generous review. It means a lot to me. Peace, Lee
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You're so welcome. It was such a hopeful, refreshing piece on a delicate subject. As the mother of two still borns, I enjoyed it. Take care - Marcia
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
humpwhistle:
my youngest foster brother had a little
boy who was stillborn -- at the time, we
all thought it was the worst thing that
could ever happen but, in retrospect, that
child was spared things his older brother
had to struggle to survive -- there are always
reasons for the decisions God makes
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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humpwhistle:
my youngest foster brother had a little
boy who was stillborn -- at the time, we
all thought it was the worst thing that
could ever happen but, in retrospect, that
child was spared things his older brother
had to struggle to survive -- there are always
reasons for the decisions God makes
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. It is a tough subject that I tried to make a little sense of. Thank you again. Peace, Lee
Comment from E.P. Thomas
Lee,
This is another of your well-written and thought provoking stories. The writing is clear and concise. There were just a few places I think the writing cd have been tightened a little, but that is me falling back on my own perverse interest in brevity.
One example is with the line that reads:
The old man looked up from his papers, pushed up his glasses onto his forehead and squinted. "Yes, well, I don't recognize you, lad? O'Day, is it?" (27 wrds)
How does this sound?
The old man straightend, pushed up his glasses and squinted at the boy. "Hmm ...O'day, isn't it?" (17 wrds)
The primary problem I see with the current sentence is the old man stating that he doesn't recognize the boy and then states the boy's name. Maybe I missed something.
Nice use of descriptive language, and I loved how you were able to tell the story almost entirely through dialogue. That is not an easy task. The dialogue was realistic, pacing the story well.
I'm not sure the title does justice to the piece because it states up front what the story is going to be about. When a story is as unusual as this, it might be better to let the nature of the story reveal itself as it unfolds. Just a thought.
Don't consider this as a criticism, but was there a reason that the characters were Irish, as opposed to having no nationality at all. That element of the story confused me, but it didn't stand in the way of enjoying the story.
You're a talented man, Lee.
g
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Lee,
This is another of your well-written and thought provoking stories. The writing is clear and concise. There were just a few places I think the writing cd have been tightened a little, but that is me falling back on my own perverse interest in brevity.
One example is with the line that reads:
The old man looked up from his papers, pushed up his glasses onto his forehead and squinted. "Yes, well, I don't recognize you, lad? O'Day, is it?" (27 wrds)
How does this sound?
The old man straightend, pushed up his glasses and squinted at the boy. "Hmm ...O'day, isn't it?" (17 wrds)
The primary problem I see with the current sentence is the old man stating that he doesn't recognize the boy and then states the boy's name. Maybe I missed something.
Nice use of descriptive language, and I loved how you were able to tell the story almost entirely through dialogue. That is not an easy task. The dialogue was realistic, pacing the story well.
I'm not sure the title does justice to the piece because it states up front what the story is going to be about. When a story is as unusual as this, it might be better to let the nature of the story reveal itself as it unfolds. Just a thought.
Don't consider this as a criticism, but was there a reason that the characters were Irish, as opposed to having no nationality at all. That element of the story confused me, but it didn't stand in the way of enjoying the story.
You're a talented man, Lee.
g
Comment Written 10-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2010
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Thank you g. About your concerns: I believe the old man says "don't I recognize you" as opposed to "I don't recognize you." I originally had a different title, but a couple of people missed the word stillborn in the text and couldn't make heads or tales of the story. And they're Irish because that's the way they sounded in my head as I was writing. And I like the coloration of the brogue. You know, sometimes you tell the story, sometimes the story tells you. Thanks again, g, your reviews are always thoughtful and helpful.
Peace, Lee
