Our Golden Girl
A champion in every sense of the word!29 total reviews
Comment from sheilanewton
I loved this piece of work. I got all the excitement of the race and the mother's take on 'taking part in the arace with her daughter' in her mind. I would have given this a five star rating except for the fact that the author sometimes spends too much time making explanations to the reader and not letting the reader use his/her own inagination.
Well done. Great work!
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2010
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I loved this piece of work. I got all the excitement of the race and the mother's take on 'taking part in the arace with her daughter' in her mind. I would have given this a five star rating except for the fact that the author sometimes spends too much time making explanations to the reader and not letting the reader use his/her own inagination.
Well done. Great work!
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2010
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Can't please them all, Sheila! I have been told that I didn't give enough detail, the emotion was good, but ... blah, blah, blah! I guess I will take the good with the bad. Thanks for yoru review. Marijke
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Your work is good - don't be discouraged with a bit of positive critique
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Oh, I'm not. Sorry if that is how it sounded. I write the way I feel most comfortable, just sometimes the conflicting criticisms are a bit off-putting. There was a word limit, and my aim was to write about my granddaughter, not to give a blow by blow description. The story is about her beautiful personality, and I believe I did that. What I tried to get across is that I can't please everyone, and that's okay. I was really happy with the story, and so were the large majority of readers. That is all writers can expect. We will never please everyone, unless we are best sellers (and I am not). Sorry if I sounded rude (I was very tired - it was late last night). Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Mari;)
This is a wonderful feel-good story. This is exactly why I despair at a trend in the United States schools to avoid competitive awards because "you might make losers feel bad." My life was driven by competitive failure. An failure, just drove me to greater achievements. I really wanted to give you six stars for this story. My first comment explains why I didn't:
1. The prior year, at the club's Annual Awards night, a girl received a huge trophy for being [her age ==> the] champion in the eleven and under age-group at the State Titles. {Change suggested for clarity and simplicity. We you say '...her age champion...', I immediately got the impression that the pronoun 'her' referred to your granddaughter. I had to read this paragraph over several times to get the correct mental image.}
2. I asked Jardene why she wasn't wearing her medals. "I don't want to show off, Nan. The other girls train really hard too, and they are my friends. I don't want to look like I'm bragging." Her gentle brown eyes reflected the sincerity in her voice. {What a wonderful mental image of sportsmanship. Her humility win more important than winning. No wonder you are proud.}
3. Jardene, my gentle, quiet champion, but more importantly, a loving and lovely young girl. I look forward to when she receives that trophy at the end of the year. But if she had not won a single race, she would still be a champion in my eyes. She will always be our "Golden Girl". {What you say in this wonderful paragraph repeats what I sensed in comment 2 above.}
If you revise this story, let me know and perhaps' I can find six stars. For now you just have to accept some more Irish hugs.
Roger
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Hi Mari;)
This is a wonderful feel-good story. This is exactly why I despair at a trend in the United States schools to avoid competitive awards because "you might make losers feel bad." My life was driven by competitive failure. An failure, just drove me to greater achievements. I really wanted to give you six stars for this story. My first comment explains why I didn't:
1. The prior year, at the club's Annual Awards night, a girl received a huge trophy for being [her age ==> the] champion in the eleven and under age-group at the State Titles. {Change suggested for clarity and simplicity. We you say '...her age champion...', I immediately got the impression that the pronoun 'her' referred to your granddaughter. I had to read this paragraph over several times to get the correct mental image.}
2. I asked Jardene why she wasn't wearing her medals. "I don't want to show off, Nan. The other girls train really hard too, and they are my friends. I don't want to look like I'm bragging." Her gentle brown eyes reflected the sincerity in her voice. {What a wonderful mental image of sportsmanship. Her humility win more important than winning. No wonder you are proud.}
3. Jardene, my gentle, quiet champion, but more importantly, a loving and lovely young girl. I look forward to when she receives that trophy at the end of the year. But if she had not won a single race, she would still be a champion in my eyes. She will always be our "Golden Girl". {What you say in this wonderful paragraph repeats what I sensed in comment 2 above.}
If you revise this story, let me know and perhaps' I can find six stars. For now you just have to accept some more Irish hugs.
Roger
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Hi Roger. Thank you very much for your lovely review and your feedback, it is much appreciated. Yes, I agree, that 'her' was confusing. I have fixed, my friend, along with a couple of other little 'nits' that I spotted. Thanks again, my friend, and warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from missy98writer
Marijke,
your essay your wrote for the Sports writing prompt is very well written. I love your wonderful narrative. It's a same you didn't win the contest. Lovely art work. As I read it was like I was there cheering with your for Jardene as she swam. Your dialogue is great and writing is technically excellent. I too felt my hear in my throat as I read about Jardene's tumble-turn as she swam. I bet you were delighted she received the gold medal. I bet she was on cloud nine winning seven gold metals. Jardene sounds like a wonderful girl. I loved your Australian vernacular at the end. I loved the word Mate. It was a delight reading your glowing essay about your granddaughter, Jardene. Have a lovely day, my friend.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Marijke,
your essay your wrote for the Sports writing prompt is very well written. I love your wonderful narrative. It's a same you didn't win the contest. Lovely art work. As I read it was like I was there cheering with your for Jardene as she swam. Your dialogue is great and writing is technically excellent. I too felt my hear in my throat as I read about Jardene's tumble-turn as she swam. I bet you were delighted she received the gold medal. I bet she was on cloud nine winning seven gold metals. Jardene sounds like a wonderful girl. I loved your Australian vernacular at the end. I loved the word Mate. It was a delight reading your glowing essay about your granddaughter, Jardene. Have a lovely day, my friend.
Melissa.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Hi Melissa, thank you for your very kind words, and for letting me know this essay about our lovely granddaughter, Jardene. I knew I had to write about that wonderful weekend, and the "Sport" writing prompt prompted me to do so. I had to share her story, because she is just such a delightful your lady, and humble! Thank you, Melissa, for your lovely words, and I hope you have a lovely day, my friend. Warmest regards, and hugs, Marijke xxxxx :o)
Comment from nancyjam
What a lovely story and what a beautiful and
sweet grand daughter. I can see why you
are proud of her.
I love the way you wrote this story, using specific
details and true to life dialogue. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2010
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What a lovely story and what a beautiful and
sweet grand daughter. I can see why you
are proud of her.
I love the way you wrote this story, using specific
details and true to life dialogue. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2010
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Hi Nancy, thank you so much. I appreciate your kind comments and generous rating. Warmest regards. Marijke
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
And so proud you should be of this talented and very sweet grand-daughter! Some would have been showing off those awards- but she didn't want the other girls to feel bad- she felt it would be 'bragging'. That touched my heart. Brought back a memory of my grand-daughter at age five, on Santa's lap in the Mall.. when asked what she wanted for Christmas- she said "Could you just give my stuff to the poor kids?"... totally shocked us. I think your granddaughter is wonderful. Congratulations! Betty
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2010
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And so proud you should be of this talented and very sweet grand-daughter! Some would have been showing off those awards- but she didn't want the other girls to feel bad- she felt it would be 'bragging'. That touched my heart. Brought back a memory of my grand-daughter at age five, on Santa's lap in the Mall.. when asked what she wanted for Christmas- she said "Could you just give my stuff to the poor kids?"... totally shocked us. I think your granddaughter is wonderful. Congratulations! Betty
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2010
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Betty, thank you so much for your review, and for sharing with me about your five year old, what a wonderful and surprising thing to say! I think your grand-daughter and mine may be of the same ilk - very special! Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Justa Begina
Hello Fiona, a short story full of inspiration and hope for others. I found this very heartwarming and full of genuine feeling. Your words brought to life a simple tale of a little girl and her proud family and their plight to support her whatever the outcome. You caught my attention right from the start and the ending was so beautiful .I found this story very easy to read as it eminated a sense of calmness throughout. An excellent piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading it!
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Hello Fiona, a short story full of inspiration and hope for others. I found this very heartwarming and full of genuine feeling. Your words brought to life a simple tale of a little girl and her proud family and their plight to support her whatever the outcome. You caught my attention right from the start and the ending was so beautiful .I found this story very easy to read as it eminated a sense of calmness throughout. An excellent piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading it!
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Hi Julia, thank you so much for your kind words and generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from bowls
What a lovely story! Congratulations to you as well. You must be so proud. You tell the story with a certain amount of moderation leading me to believe that these characteristics are not confined to the subject of your story. If only all athletes, especially the professionals, could display such grace and style.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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What a lovely story! Congratulations to you as well. You must be so proud. You tell the story with a certain amount of moderation leading me to believe that these characteristics are not confined to the subject of your story. If only all athletes, especially the professionals, could display such grace and style.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you so much for your kind words and generous rating, dear friend. I hope she keeps those characteristics as she heads into her teenage years - I am sure she will. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, i enjoyed reading about your granddaughter and her achievements in the swimming finals, and the attitude she had about the other swimmers in her team, i think it should be a winner, but you forgot about the blind thing and listed your name in the story (most people on here know your true name from reviews you make) but maybe people will overlook that. good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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this is very well written, i enjoyed reading about your granddaughter and her achievements in the swimming finals, and the attitude she had about the other swimmers in her team, i think it should be a winner, but you forgot about the blind thing and listed your name in the story (most people on here know your true name from reviews you make) but maybe people will overlook that. good luck in the contest
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Hi, and yes, I considered changing the names. But I decided that those who know me would know this was my story, those who don't would read and vote on the story itself. Thanks for your wonderful review, and warmest regards, my friend.
Comment from Lois Delaney
Very nice writing, Grandma. You are so proud, and have every right to be. Our little stars are loved unconditionally, aren't they. Thank you for sharing, and may you do well in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Very nice writing, Grandma. You are so proud, and have every right to be. Our little stars are loved unconditionally, aren't they. Thank you for sharing, and may you do well in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Hi Lois, and thank you so much for your kind review and generous rating. Warmest regards.
Comment from LumchuckHickle
The story is heartfelt. I can clearly feel your pride in your grandchildren. It must have been a wonderful experience, and the young girl's reaction...not wearing her medals...is something special, something to be extra proud of. I enjoyed the content of the story very much. It's the execution, the sentence construction and the organization, that I think you might consider putting some work into.
Overall, I think you might consider reorganizing the story so that the events...especially the races...are presented more vividly. It's a tell/show issue, I think mainly. You tell this story, but you don't show enough of it to fully engage me. That's honest. I hope you take it as constructively as it is meant. It's not easy to have strangers critique your work. I know. I've been there. But I mean all of this as generous advice, and...if you don't agree...you should ignore it and follow your own instincts. That's what good writers always do.
There are some other issues I could lay out, but I think I have taken up enough of both our time already, so I'll just give you one other, some notes I made while reading the first part of the story.
Just some grammar and diction notes (and you of course needn't change your prose just because it's grammatically unconventional): (1) "I cheered as loud..." technically should be "I cheered as loudly, since "loud" there is an adverb, not an adjective, or you could write "My cheers were as loud as anyone's...", keeping the adjectival form of the word. (2)"grand-daughter" is usually spelled with no hyphen: granddaughter. (3) "eleven and under age-group" Here you've got the hyphen in the wrong place "eleven-and-under age group" would be okay, or just drop the hyphen. That works too. (4) "State Titles" wouldn't normally be capitalized unless that is the official, formal name of the event, e.g. the state titles, also called "Tasmanian Short Course Age Swimming Championships." There's a typo at "'fly and free": why the " ' "? (5) Why do you capitalize the event "Individual Medley" but not "fly" or "free"? Better to drop the caps. Well, there are quite a few other little oversights and inconsistencies at this level, and I don't want to be completely pedantic and detail them all, but it is something you should take a look at. So many issues like this, though each one truly trivial in isolation, but so many add up to a distraction for the reader. It keeps pulling the reader (speaking only for myself, here, not all will have this reaction) out of the story rather than binding him (I'm a "him") to it.
Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. Good luck in the contest.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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The story is heartfelt. I can clearly feel your pride in your grandchildren. It must have been a wonderful experience, and the young girl's reaction...not wearing her medals...is something special, something to be extra proud of. I enjoyed the content of the story very much. It's the execution, the sentence construction and the organization, that I think you might consider putting some work into.
Overall, I think you might consider reorganizing the story so that the events...especially the races...are presented more vividly. It's a tell/show issue, I think mainly. You tell this story, but you don't show enough of it to fully engage me. That's honest. I hope you take it as constructively as it is meant. It's not easy to have strangers critique your work. I know. I've been there. But I mean all of this as generous advice, and...if you don't agree...you should ignore it and follow your own instincts. That's what good writers always do.
There are some other issues I could lay out, but I think I have taken up enough of both our time already, so I'll just give you one other, some notes I made while reading the first part of the story.
Just some grammar and diction notes (and you of course needn't change your prose just because it's grammatically unconventional): (1) "I cheered as loud..." technically should be "I cheered as loudly, since "loud" there is an adverb, not an adjective, or you could write "My cheers were as loud as anyone's...", keeping the adjectival form of the word. (2)"grand-daughter" is usually spelled with no hyphen: granddaughter. (3) "eleven and under age-group" Here you've got the hyphen in the wrong place "eleven-and-under age group" would be okay, or just drop the hyphen. That works too. (4) "State Titles" wouldn't normally be capitalized unless that is the official, formal name of the event, e.g. the state titles, also called "Tasmanian Short Course Age Swimming Championships." There's a typo at "'fly and free": why the " ' "? (5) Why do you capitalize the event "Individual Medley" but not "fly" or "free"? Better to drop the caps. Well, there are quite a few other little oversights and inconsistencies at this level, and I don't want to be completely pedantic and detail them all, but it is something you should take a look at. So many issues like this, though each one truly trivial in isolation, but so many add up to a distraction for the reader. It keeps pulling the reader (speaking only for myself, here, not all will have this reaction) out of the story rather than binding him (I'm a "him") to it.
Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your very comprehensive review. I will take onboard, but I believe you have not allowed for it being Australian English - nor that the 'dialogue' is what it is.
Thanks and warmest regards, Marijke
