Old Yellow Bulb
You can never go home ...26 total reviews
Comment from missy98writer
Susan,
your fiction story is very well written. Great narrative and very detailed writing. In so few words you established a setting, conflict and resolution. In flash fiction or short fiction it's preferred the author write in first person. I'm working on writing first person myself, I'm used to writing third person omniscience view point. I have a felling your preparing to write for the flash fiction contest due in five day. I too am trying to muddle through writing my entry. It was a delight reading your story titled 'Old Yellow Bulb.' I'm awarding your five stars of excellence. Lovely art work of the two story house you used.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Susan,
your fiction story is very well written. Great narrative and very detailed writing. In so few words you established a setting, conflict and resolution. In flash fiction or short fiction it's preferred the author write in first person. I'm working on writing first person myself, I'm used to writing third person omniscience view point. I have a felling your preparing to write for the flash fiction contest due in five day. I too am trying to muddle through writing my entry. It was a delight reading your story titled 'Old Yellow Bulb.' I'm awarding your five stars of excellence. Lovely art work of the two story house you used.
Melissa.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Hi again! I have entered it with a story called "Bugtussle"? I hope you read it, if not, you would like it too? You are spoiling me Melissa!! It's great to have your enthusiasm and wonderful comments...a real joy. Thank you with all my heart. Luv, Susan
Comment from leesm
Wow, Susan. This is very good, whether it be micro-flash or whatever. You really drive the point of the story home in a concise, but beautifully stated way. I enjoyed the read very much. Keep up the good work.
-Lee
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Wow, Susan. This is very good, whether it be micro-flash or whatever. You really drive the point of the story home in a concise, but beautifully stated way. I enjoyed the read very much. Keep up the good work.
-Lee
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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hi Lee! Thank you!! I am always happy to hear from you, and this is a very welcome and encouraging review! Smiles!! Susan
Comment from Daylok
Great read!! Flow was great love the story!! I do like believe that there are always possibilities. I would like to think that if there is one place on earth you can always go back to that place is home. Good work-Daylok
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Great read!! Flow was great love the story!! I do like believe that there are always possibilities. I would like to think that if there is one place on earth you can always go back to that place is home. Good work-Daylok
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Hi Day! I do too. Or rather, I wish. I would like certain times of my life back, but they are gone...if you have a good life, Day, HANG ON TIGHT TO IT! ") susan
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Thanks I will try that!! And always best wishes.
Comment from Judian James
This is so excellent Sue and you have accomplished a great deal of emotional rendering in this very short piece. I think I would make two sentences out of paragraph one ... end sentence one at "homeplace" and start sentence two with "apprehension". And at the very end, "to ask me if I were lost." It should be "was lost". Really good ending!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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This is so excellent Sue and you have accomplished a great deal of emotional rendering in this very short piece. I think I would make two sentences out of paragraph one ... end sentence one at "homeplace" and start sentence two with "apprehension". And at the very end, "to ask me if I were lost." It should be "was lost". Really good ending!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Hi Judian, I changed the "were" to "was", thanks! And I appreciate your help so much, will look at the other story too, and try to improve that ending! Thanks! I love hearing from you Jude!! ") Susan
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Oh, it's my pleasure.
Comment from Loyd C. Taylor, Sr
Good morning to you good friend.
Another perfect post, if I might say. It is sad but there are many, I fear in the same situation. Have a great day and thanks again for using my photo! Loyd
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Good morning to you good friend.
Another perfect post, if I might say. It is sad but there are many, I fear in the same situation. Have a great day and thanks again for using my photo! Loyd
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Hi Loyd!! Thank you SO much!! And you are welcome, your work on FanArt is so good, and varied. I know I am not alone in loving it! ") Thank you for this wonderful review Loyd. ") Happy Tuesday!! Susan
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You are very kind and thank you, Loyd
Comment from E.P. Thomas
Wow! Susan! I know you're not calling it so, but this is an excellent, excellent micro. It needs a little tightening, but the ending is a real punch to the gut. But the best part is that it's a legitimate punch because it follows the story line. I'm so impressed with you. This is my next to last six, but that's how I much I think of this piece. I also wish I had thought of it.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Wow! Susan! I know you're not calling it so, but this is an excellent, excellent micro. It needs a little tightening, but the ending is a real punch to the gut. But the best part is that it's a legitimate punch because it follows the story line. I'm so impressed with you. This is my next to last six, but that's how I much I think of this piece. I also wish I had thought of it.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Thank you very much G! I am so happy you think a lot of this little tale. What a thrill to have a six from you. VERY encouraging. And you will think of some that are much much better than this! ") I have faith. Susan
Comment from highlander104
This is excellent micro fiction (IMHO). Setting, character, conflict, resolution and surprise ending. I have listed below some suggestions for your review as it applies to micro fiction (things I would change):
I [could see] Momma's - I saw ...
weak[,] [as] my old truck crunched the gravel leading to the house. - period after weak, delete as, new sentence with my
[almost] ten years ago - delete almost
And now, - delete
by my side - beside me
I had the stack of letters my folks [had] sent me over -
delete second had
[most still un-opened] - some unopened
sooner [...] . - delete ellipses
strangers emerged[,] to ask me if I were lost. - delete comma
Jean K.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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This is excellent micro fiction (IMHO). Setting, character, conflict, resolution and surprise ending. I have listed below some suggestions for your review as it applies to micro fiction (things I would change):
I [could see] Momma's - I saw ...
weak[,] [as] my old truck crunched the gravel leading to the house. - period after weak, delete as, new sentence with my
[almost] ten years ago - delete almost
And now, - delete
by my side - beside me
I had the stack of letters my folks [had] sent me over -
delete second had
[most still un-opened] - some unopened
sooner [...] . - delete ellipses
strangers emerged[,] to ask me if I were lost. - delete comma
Jean K.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Hi Jean! I am going back to this and will fix! Thank you again, this help is wonderful. I really appreciate. This is what makes FS so nice. People like you! HUGS! Susan
Comment from sugardog
I loved this story, Susan!!!! So true-you can't go back. I loved the beginning-it really pulled me in to the story and was written with strong emotions. The only thing I would suggest is to change "I could see momma's porch light..." to "I saw momma's porch light..."(past tense) or "Momma's porch light..." Or "I see momma's porch light..."-more effective and cuts out a word. Just a thought. Your ending line is perfect-so effective and hits you in the gut. Well done my friend!!! Dana
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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I loved this story, Susan!!!! So true-you can't go back. I loved the beginning-it really pulled me in to the story and was written with strong emotions. The only thing I would suggest is to change "I could see momma's porch light..." to "I saw momma's porch light..."(past tense) or "Momma's porch light..." Or "I see momma's porch light..."-more effective and cuts out a word. Just a thought. Your ending line is perfect-so effective and hits you in the gut. Well done my friend!!! Dana
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Hi Dana! yes, Thank you! You are right, I am going to work on this today. Others say the same, so you are correct! ")) What a lovely review. SO happy to see you liked this Dana!! ") Happy first day of fall to you and your family my friend. Luv, Susan
Comment from anne1204
Well done micro flash fiction. I always want more in these stories. I am sure you could expand this one into a full blown book. Very good writing. Anne 1204
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Well done micro flash fiction. I always want more in these stories. I am sure you could expand this one into a full blown book. Very good writing. Anne 1204
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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hi again! This is a thought. I may at least make a version of it that is longer? Thank you. A good idea Anne! I am so happy to hear from you! ") Susan
Comment from sibhus
You have some very powerful thoughts in this short piece. The pace has a great flow that that really makes it an enjoyable read. Even more it gives the reader pause to ponder on a similar situation. Again a wonderful piece of flash.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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You have some very powerful thoughts in this short piece. The pace has a great flow that that really makes it an enjoyable read. Even more it gives the reader pause to ponder on a similar situation. Again a wonderful piece of flash.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Hi Sib! Thank you! I appreciate your time to review this, and that you liked it too. !") Susan
