Bless The Children
an old man learns tolerance?21 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
it's hard sofas - drop the apostrophe
it's chrome trim - drop apostrophe
a small, blue-haired lady - I added the comma and the hyphen
their mother's and grandparent's like hens - drop the apostrophes
The team re-vived his heart - drop the hyphen
What a strong, character-driven story, Susan - you have an engaging narrative style and get inside this man's thoughts extremely well. And what a poignant ending :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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it's hard sofas - drop the apostrophe
it's chrome trim - drop apostrophe
a small, blue-haired lady - I added the comma and the hyphen
their mother's and grandparent's like hens - drop the apostrophes
The team re-vived his heart - drop the hyphen
What a strong, character-driven story, Susan - you have an engaging narrative style and get inside this man's thoughts extremely well. And what a poignant ending :-) Brooke
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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") I have lots to fix here! Will do asap! And again, thank you for this wonderful help Brooke!! Don't know what I would do without you! ") Thank you again!!! ") Susan
Comment from beryld
I enjoyed reading this. It flowed very well. I did not get distracted by any typos.
Stong story line and realistic protrayal of a retirement home.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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I enjoyed reading this. It flowed very well. I did not get distracted by any typos.
Stong story line and realistic protrayal of a retirement home.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi there! Fours mean revisions needed...please let me know what you think needs changed and why? Thank you for this help!! Susan
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Sorry for not being more detailed in the original review.
Improvement could be made in the scene where the heart attack occurs. Short snappy snetences would create more drama in the reader's comrehension of this event. Perhaps it is because I have been present at three heart attacks that I make comparisons on this particular passage of your story.
I wondered fleetingly about why this man was left to carry his own tray (hot stuff?) when he needed a hand free for his cane..... and why he was still carrying it AFTER the meal, i.e when the children arrived. The tray issue is only a minor thing, but it did take a little of my attention from the story. Perhaps it is because I have visited a relative in a home that I find myself saying "He can't carry a tray; it would not be allowed!"
On another note - I do tend to be a bit of a scrouge with fives. Please don't beat yourself up over that. It was not meant as a put down in any way whatsoever. Good is GOOD!!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form, good flow, a good entry into this contest, how the man who didn't like children found himself surrounded by them and had a heart attack and the love of a child that did not know him but prayed for him. great job and good luck to you
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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this is very well written with good form, good flow, a good entry into this contest, how the man who didn't like children found himself surrounded by them and had a heart attack and the love of a child that did not know him but prayed for him. great job and good luck to you
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Thank you Sweetwood! I appreciate your review, it's always great to hear from you and know how you feel about my work! Thank you again!! ") Susan
Comment from Mastery
Very good write, Susan. You have a lot of heart and imagery in this story. I liked the pacing and although I saw a few little errors grammatically, I think this should be a winner! Hands down1 Bob (Remember i told you so)
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Very good write, Susan. You have a lot of heart and imagery in this story. I liked the pacing and although I saw a few little errors grammatically, I think this should be a winner! Hands down1 Bob (Remember i told you so)
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi there! I am astounded! I will not win this! ") But your confidence in me is very kind and I sure appreciate it Bob. You are the best, and I do take your opinion to heart, I will hope that you are right! ") If you have time, let me know the grammer mistakes, I will fix them! I will go back and look now too. Thank you so very much. Every time I feel like giving up, someone on FS, this time YOU! gives me a good word and I keep at it. Thanks again, I'm honored with this review from you...Susan
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You are very deserving with this work..Keep it up....Bob
Comment from BethShelby
I enjoyed this story. I think it might work for adults as well as older children. Mr. Jenkins character is well developed. We don't learn exactly why he doesn't like children but in the end we find a change of character. He is relieved to have the child there with him. The picture you chose is adorable.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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I enjoyed this story. I think it might work for adults as well as older children. Mr. Jenkins character is well developed. We don't learn exactly why he doesn't like children but in the end we find a change of character. He is relieved to have the child there with him. The picture you chose is adorable.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Beth!! Thank you!! I was trying to make this a flash story, maybe I should expand it some? But I am so happy you liked this, and took time to review too!! Thank you again!!! HUGS!!! Susan
Comment from c_lucas
This is a very touching story about an elderly man and a six-year-old child. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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This is a very touching story about an elderly man and a six-year-old child. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Charlie! Thank you so much!! Did you think I was telling too much, rather than showing? I do respect your opinion! And many thanks again for taking this time for me too!!! Susan
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You showed where you could. This story does not leave much room for dialogue.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
I can't say much about this short--unless I lie--my friend. I do think it's well written and well narrated; and that children would enjoy it very much. Good luck.
Isaiah
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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I can't say much about this short--unless I lie--my friend. I do think it's well written and well narrated; and that children would enjoy it very much. Good luck.
Isaiah
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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? Isaiah! ? What do you mean, unless I lie?? Please tell me what you really think? I respect your opinion, I really do...Susan
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No, I meant that I wasn't going to lie in order to make you happy. It was my professional opinion you got.
Isaiah
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Oh! Well, I am not famous for being the brightest bulb in the package. Thank you again Isaiah...Do you think I was telling too much instead of showing? I never know which I am doing..."( S.
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I do, but I enjoy telling more than showing. From the reviewers that have used the phrase on me, they used "showing" in meaning dialogue, and "telling" in meaning narration. I like narrartion, as I'm a storyteller and not a creative writer.
Isaiah
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You know, I didn't get the real difference til this reply. So, I can write narration and still be successful? Maybe? Because you are so good at both, I see your dialogue as excellent! So, in your view, narration is storytelling, dialogue is showing...creative writing? Now, why can't narration be creative writing?? I'm confused. Lord help me...S.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Susan :)
You've woven a good essay here. It's not a story because it's all "telling." There's very little dialogue.
All the elements are there to make a story work with a lot of places for dialogue. I didn't see and SPAG.
Ted
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Susan :)
You've woven a good essay here. It's not a story because it's all "telling." There's very little dialogue.
All the elements are there to make a story work with a lot of places for dialogue. I didn't see and SPAG.
Ted
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hi Ted! Thank you so much!! I never seem to know what I am doing. I should try to expand this a little and see if it might improve. It was entered just minutes before the deadline!! Didn't even have the pix yet! TOO close! It's great to hear from you! ") Susan
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You are most welcome :)
You can improve it.
Ted
Comment from Deseree
This wasnt what I had expected. It had a twist. I have been in a few of these retirement homes and tasted a few of these bland meals. Good luck.
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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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This wasnt what I had expected. It had a twist. I have been in a few of these retirement homes and tasted a few of these bland meals. Good luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi there, please tell me why the four and what I need to do to revise!? Thank you!!! Susan
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Sorry I'm new at this , but what I would add is how long the man had been there and who this angel was?
Comment from marion
Hi there
I think this is truly a tale of compassion and yes, an older child could read it. Some of the words take it out of the younger child bracket. I think you have met the prompt well ... and turned it into a beautiful story. I love the end lines and especially the last. Good Luck, emotionally strong and capturing the elements of the competition. Marion.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi there
I think this is truly a tale of compassion and yes, an older child could read it. Some of the words take it out of the younger child bracket. I think you have met the prompt well ... and turned it into a beautiful story. I love the end lines and especially the last. Good Luck, emotionally strong and capturing the elements of the competition. Marion.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi there and thank you for reading, I appreciate this kind and thoughtful review! I am so glad to hear from you...Hugs, Susan
