A Street of Ancient Mexico
a blank verse poem133 total reviews
Comment from writerjen
Nice narrative blank verse poem. Descriptive language, picturesque. Great photograph that enhances this poem. No suggestions...well done.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Nice narrative blank verse poem. Descriptive language, picturesque. Great photograph that enhances this poem. No suggestions...well done.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Alexander E Poet
love it,This was good! It has a different sort of flow I loved that. This is a very creative
and thought provoking piece. I think this is a very fine write, indeed. You expressed your thoughts quite well . Well done No errors no mistakes, Alexander
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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love it,This was good! It has a different sort of flow I loved that. This is a very creative
and thought provoking piece. I think this is a very fine write, indeed. You expressed your thoughts quite well . Well done No errors no mistakes, Alexander
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
I love the message and the presentation. However some lines were awkward, and weren't clear to me, as to their meaning. Second stanza,last line- just one too many 'one's' here. "When one impairs one's body and one's mind." Suggestion: "When lost love impairs one's body and mind" ?
and third stanza "Clandestine demons midst noon naps display
Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock"
Demons midst noon naps? Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock?... I also did not understand what 'Discovering 'God' has to do with finding a new love?
Also had to ask, why the whole village was asleep in the afternoon?
Last but not least, I think that any writing that needs such an lengthy 'explanation', as you have in your author's 'notes' may be too complicated.
But I DO like what you're saying- You have the premise of a lovely poem here. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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I love the message and the presentation. However some lines were awkward, and weren't clear to me, as to their meaning. Second stanza,last line- just one too many 'one's' here. "When one impairs one's body and one's mind." Suggestion: "When lost love impairs one's body and mind" ?
and third stanza "Clandestine demons midst noon naps display
Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock"
Demons midst noon naps? Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock?... I also did not understand what 'Discovering 'God' has to do with finding a new love?
Also had to ask, why the whole village was asleep in the afternoon?
Last but not least, I think that any writing that needs such an lengthy 'explanation', as you have in your author's 'notes' may be too complicated.
But I DO like what you're saying- You have the premise of a lovely poem here. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a good review. For clarification, this is a very Mexican poem; tt is common to take naps (siestas) in the afternoon in Mexico. The third stanza was meant to be metaphorical; I am sorry that did not come through. I wanted to show that God had led the narrator to a new love; I am sorry, as well, that that did not come through. The notes were mostly written in response to other reviews. I shall carefully consider your suggestion for the last line of the second stanza. Thanks again.
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I mean it, not tt,of course.
Comment from BruceD
Kind dark and scary. It flows well. The images portrayed do speak of a Mexican environment. It transports someone to a place and time. Nice.
Bruce
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Kind dark and scary. It flows well. The images portrayed do speak of a Mexican environment. It transports someone to a place and time. Nice.
Bruce
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks. Since you awarded three stars for this poem, what do you think needs work? I can't correct it unless I know that.
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I should've been more generous with the stars. Your poem is very good. No offense.
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Since you brough it up, it's very easy to change the rating or review of a work on FanStory. Here's how:
Go to My Menu in the upper left hand corner of the screen. Scroll down to My Feedback and from the drop-down menu, select Reviews I Wrote. All the reviews you have written will come up, and you scroll down to the one you want to change. Click on Edit Review in the lower RIGHT hand screen of the review; you then can change the wording of the review or the rating.
Of course, I am not asking you to revise the review or the rating; I am just explaining how it can be done after the fact--it's helped me correct many a mistake.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Mystery Poet
I enjoyed your Blank verse entry in iambic pentameter.
You are correct. Sometimes the accented syllable is not the one you'd prefer. It purrs when it is.
My favorite lines,
"Clandestine demons midst noon naps display"
and
"an Aztec princess of quite haughty stock"
Good Luck in the contest!
Kimbob
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Hi Mystery Poet
I enjoyed your Blank verse entry in iambic pentameter.
You are correct. Sometimes the accented syllable is not the one you'd prefer. It purrs when it is.
My favorite lines,
"Clandestine demons midst noon naps display"
and
"an Aztec princess of quite haughty stock"
Good Luck in the contest!
Kimbob
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks. If you take a look at the author's notes, you will see why the accents fall irregularly to the English-speaking ear. Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
I gained a great insight on Blank verse, my friend. As for the poetry, I don't think I gained a full understanding, but the fourth stanza moved me a little. Good luck in the contest.
Isaiah
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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I gained a great insight on Blank verse, my friend. As for the poetry, I don't think I gained a full understanding, but the fourth stanza moved me a little. Good luck in the contest.
Isaiah
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from RaymondJohn
The notes are almost as interesting as the poeml. I expect someone was sacrificed, though it wasn't explicit. The meter and the images are compelling. Great job.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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The notes are almost as interesting as the poeml. I expect someone was sacrificed, though it wasn't explicit. The meter and the images are compelling. Great job.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a good review; I greatly appreciate it, coming from such a fine writer as yourself.
Comment from jshep
This is a very lovely poem done in blank verse and a perfect amount of romance to make it a love story.
I appreciate the fact you are scanning the following lines third, ninth and eleventh line, as you choose to pronounce. That does not make the iambic pentameter correct and in this case it is not correct, but you are allowed to do as you wish even with pronunciations. It is your poem but imho you took a great deal of license with the meter and you should not have to explain a poem in your author notes, giving justification to your viewpoint.
On the whole a very good poem but I felt that the iambic pentameter needs works.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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This is a very lovely poem done in blank verse and a perfect amount of romance to make it a love story.
I appreciate the fact you are scanning the following lines third, ninth and eleventh line, as you choose to pronounce. That does not make the iambic pentameter correct and in this case it is not correct, but you are allowed to do as you wish even with pronunciations. It is your poem but imho you took a great deal of license with the meter and you should not have to explain a poem in your author notes, giving justification to your viewpoint.
On the whole a very good poem but I felt that the iambic pentameter needs works.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for your review; I would appreciate a note for a source on iambic pentameter showing me how correctly to scan those lines. I am open to suggestions. I have found that iambic pentameter, especially when it comes to one syllabic words, is open to some leeway as to interpretation, as is pointing Biblical psalms. The notes on scansion were written in response to previous reviews. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Judian James
"Dark bruises are discovered on my soul;
My body has fresh ones to correspond" really good lines!!
I don't think you can really direct how the beats will hit and if this were to be published, your author's notes would not be acceptable to follow the poem. There are definitely lines that could be improved upon to make the flow better and you obviously know that if you felt you had to point out how to read particular lines. Easy tweaks will make for a much better flow in those few trouble spots, Al. PM me!
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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"Dark bruises are discovered on my soul;
My body has fresh ones to correspond" really good lines!!
I don't think you can really direct how the beats will hit and if this were to be published, your author's notes would not be acceptable to follow the poem. There are definitely lines that could be improved upon to make the flow better and you obviously know that if you felt you had to point out how to read particular lines. Easy tweaks will make for a much better flow in those few trouble spots, Al. PM me!
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Yes, I know. I worked for hours and could not come up with something that would scan better for iambic pentameter. I am open to suggestions. If I did publish this, I would, of course, not publish it with author's notes. There seems to be some leeway in the stresses on one syllabic words when it comes to iambic pentameter, as there is when pointing Biblical psalms. The notes on scansion were added in response to certain previous reviews. Thank you for a good review.
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I know who you are. I can help with this if you like. Just give the word and I'll PM you as soon as I can.
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Please go ahead with a PM, but please preserve my (somewhat) anonymity. Thank you.
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absolutely.
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absolutely.
Comment from thebyers21
This a very well written piece with alotta big words from start to finish. I like your imagery and your meter. Very well done and I liked your art and color scheme as well.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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This a very well written piece with alotta big words from start to finish. I like your imagery and your meter. Very well done and I liked your art and color scheme as well.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review; I truly appreciate it.
