A Street of Ancient Mexico
a blank verse poem133 total reviews
Comment from Pen&Ink
I enjoyed reading this story in the form of blank verse poetry. Thanks for the copious notes. Iambic pentameter I had already grasped, but the rest of the rules and explanations were new to me. The beat becomes obvious after a couple of reads and some reference to the notes. I look at this poem as a sign that "Hope springs eternal..." Although sad at the beginning, the ending is upbeat.
Ray
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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I enjoyed reading this story in the form of blank verse poetry. Thanks for the copious notes. Iambic pentameter I had already grasped, but the rest of the rules and explanations were new to me. The beat becomes obvious after a couple of reads and some reference to the notes. I look at this poem as a sign that "Hope springs eternal..." Although sad at the beginning, the ending is upbeat.
Ray
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a good review and your comments about beat; I truly appreciate them.
Comment from ethveg
Overall I like this. I say that as a beginning because I have a rather large number of changes to suggest:
"I tumbled from drink": I read this as implying he had "a drinking problem" but nothing else in the poem supports or relates to this. Therefore, is it relevant to the story-line? And it doesn't scan iambically.
"My body has fresh ones to correspond," "ones" being bruises. So did she beat him? On first reading I assumed so, and so thought the author to be female.
"to enjoy retreats
When one impairs one's body and one's mind." I think of a retreat as a time to heal, not impair, so I don't understand this passage.
"I feel void of erotic thoughts and lust;" I like the idea but "I feel" seems to remove the reader (via a change in the narrator's perspective) from the immediacy created by the preceding lines.
And given the isolatedness described in the opening lines I found "crowds who knock" difficult to understand.
"... that FINE day" doesn't make sense to me given what precedes it; after reading the rest of the poem I understood it, but on first reading it doesn't seem to fit (and so slows the reader.)
A suggestion: instead of "one insomniac" why not "this insomniac"?
And finally, I do not like the last line at all. As we are frequently told "don't TELL it, SHOW it." I suspect that you can do much better for a final line, perhaps something present tense implying that the romance continues at the time of the writing.
All that said, I will repeat that I LIKED the piece (see the rating) and believe that with revision it can be quite captivating.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Overall I like this. I say that as a beginning because I have a rather large number of changes to suggest:
"I tumbled from drink": I read this as implying he had "a drinking problem" but nothing else in the poem supports or relates to this. Therefore, is it relevant to the story-line? And it doesn't scan iambically.
"My body has fresh ones to correspond," "ones" being bruises. So did she beat him? On first reading I assumed so, and so thought the author to be female.
"to enjoy retreats
When one impairs one's body and one's mind." I think of a retreat as a time to heal, not impair, so I don't understand this passage.
"I feel void of erotic thoughts and lust;" I like the idea but "I feel" seems to remove the reader (via a change in the narrator's perspective) from the immediacy created by the preceding lines.
And given the isolatedness described in the opening lines I found "crowds who knock" difficult to understand.
"... that FINE day" doesn't make sense to me given what precedes it; after reading the rest of the poem I understood it, but on first reading it doesn't seem to fit (and so slows the reader.)
A suggestion: instead of "one insomniac" why not "this insomniac"?
And finally, I do not like the last line at all. As we are frequently told "don't TELL it, SHOW it." I suspect that you can do much better for a final line, perhaps something present tense implying that the romance continues at the time of the writing.
All that said, I will repeat that I LIKED the piece (see the rating) and believe that with revision it can be quite captivating.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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The following notes are for clarification:
It has been my experience that when many people, especially men, are hurt from a romantic affair, they turn to alcohol to numb the pain, whether they are alcoholics are not.
The bruises on the body are from the fall. I regret that did not come through.
There is Spanish-inspired scansion in the third line. I agree; it has been a matter of controversy and I am open on suggestions on how to improve it.
I am using retreat in the sense of withdraw without further overtones. I regret that did not come through. The desire retreats.
Could you write a little more about your interpretation of I feel? I don't quite understand what you mean by a change of perspective.
I meant crowds who knock metaphorically. I regret that did not come through.
I meant fine in the sense of it is a fine day when one finds one's true love. I regret that did not not come through.
I also meant one insomniac to be purposely vague and let the reader participate in the interpretation of the poem (i.e. Who is the insomniac, the writer or the women?) I again regret that did not come through.
Finally, the last line was meant to be summarized. I, as well, regret that did not come through.
Thank you for the thorough and good review. As I stated, I am open to suggestions for revision.
Comment from Renee' J Thomas
This is a very good poem, I enjoyed reading it, I like the story it tells, it is told in an easily understood style and enjoyable.
good job
Renee'
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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This is a very good poem, I enjoyed reading it, I like the story it tells, it is told in an easily understood style and enjoyable.
good job
Renee'
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for your review; I quite appreciate it.
Comment from words
A lovely love ode.
Great use of a sometimes difficult form.
I especially liked:Yet I discovered God that afternoon
Whilst the whole village slept, oblivious
To the diverse and sundry ways our Lord
Performs great deeds and miracles and signs.
A great contest entry.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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A lovely love ode.
Great use of a sometimes difficult form.
I especially liked:Yet I discovered God that afternoon
Whilst the whole village slept, oblivious
To the diverse and sundry ways our Lord
Performs great deeds and miracles and signs.
A great contest entry.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Yes, I like those lines as well. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from TKField
South of the border..down Mexico way. That sounds like one heck of a hangover. Well, they told you not to drink the water, but you didn't listen. Too many cervecas and tequila shots perhaps? No wonder the party of the second part split. Thankfully, working with the Virgin of Guadalupe, God sent you a spicy hot-tamale to ease the pain. Muchos gracias God for the Aztec bird who decided not to take a siesta.
Interesting poem. I thought it evoked Mexico pretty well. The pic helped greatly. The line; "Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock" just seems a little off. "The corpse", "a corpse", but "emotions and corpse"? You're missing the definite article. Other than that, good free-verse effort.
I once met a chiquita south of the border. It was in Nuevo Laredo at the old Cadillac Bar in la-zona-rosa and it cost me two hundred pesos. Ariba! I don't know if she was Aztec or not, but the next morning I felt like I'd been ritually sacrificed, because she'd taken my heart. Ha!
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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South of the border..down Mexico way. That sounds like one heck of a hangover. Well, they told you not to drink the water, but you didn't listen. Too many cervecas and tequila shots perhaps? No wonder the party of the second part split. Thankfully, working with the Virgin of Guadalupe, God sent you a spicy hot-tamale to ease the pain. Muchos gracias God for the Aztec bird who decided not to take a siesta.
Interesting poem. I thought it evoked Mexico pretty well. The pic helped greatly. The line; "Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock" just seems a little off. "The corpse", "a corpse", but "emotions and corpse"? You're missing the definite article. Other than that, good free-verse effort.
I once met a chiquita south of the border. It was in Nuevo Laredo at the old Cadillac Bar in la-zona-rosa and it cost me two hundred pesos. Ariba! I don't know if she was Aztec or not, but the next morning I felt like I'd been ritually sacrificed, because she'd taken my heart. Ha!
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for your review; for clarification, I took poetic license so as to make the iambic pentameter work and left out the article. Thanks again.
Comment from KayteeF
This is the first time I have read a poem in blank verse that I understand. Sincere thanks to the author for such a detailed guide in Author's notes.
The poem tells a lovely romantic story and is cleverly easy to read and understand.
This is one that I can truly take a lesson from, thank you.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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This is the first time I have read a poem in blank verse that I understand. Sincere thanks to the author for such a detailed guide in Author's notes.
The poem tells a lovely romantic story and is cleverly easy to read and understand.
This is one that I can truly take a lesson from, thank you.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks. I quite appreciate this review. As I understand the organizer's intentions, one of the purposes of this contest was didactic, to teach about blank verse by example. I was glad my entry performed that function for you. Thanks also for the comments about the author's notes; people have varying views on them, and I am so glad you found them helpful. Thanks for this superb review.
Comment from katz meow
Blank verse seems a lot similar to free verse, except for the iambic pentameter. What I do know, it has an extremely smooth flow, and tells a wonderful story. I consider this poem an excellent write...katz meow
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Blank verse seems a lot similar to free verse, except for the iambic pentameter. What I do know, it has an extremely smooth flow, and tells a wonderful story. I consider this poem an excellent write...katz meow
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Yes, I see blank verse as a subset in some ways of free verse, though free verse has the occasional internal rhyme and insists on not being metered. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from the blue pixel
How you drank your sorrows finding your soul bruised from being rejected from your loved one and though the one you loved "closed the "door" on you, as the saying goes, another one opened for you with the discovery of "liquid soft brown eyes" a lovely description, and though these eys beloved to one of a high station, you could see through the facade to to the love that lived within and which became yours. A story of love lost and found again, anew. The Blue Pixel
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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How you drank your sorrows finding your soul bruised from being rejected from your loved one and though the one you loved "closed the "door" on you, as the saying goes, another one opened for you with the discovery of "liquid soft brown eyes" a lovely description, and though these eys beloved to one of a high station, you could see through the facade to to the love that lived within and which became yours. A story of love lost and found again, anew. The Blue Pixel
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a very understanding review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Slythytove2
An altogether very good and well written poem that was satisfying to read. The only thing I might have done differently( and it would be done to bring dramatic effect) would have been to step outside the rhythm in the last line and leave off the last two words. This piece is strong enough that they wouldn't have been missed and their omission would be a more jarring final note."Romance was born that day."We already knew it was Mexico. What was different was that it was To you. Just a thought. Good work.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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An altogether very good and well written poem that was satisfying to read. The only thing I might have done differently( and it would be done to bring dramatic effect) would have been to step outside the rhythm in the last line and leave off the last two words. This piece is strong enough that they wouldn't have been missed and their omission would be a more jarring final note."Romance was born that day."We already knew it was Mexico. What was different was that it was To you. Just a thought. Good work.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thank you for review. For clarification, the organizer would have disquaified the entry if the last line did not scan for iambic pentameter as it would then not be blank verse. He is known to be very tough and strict. Thanks for your review and input.
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Ups- sorry. Didn't know judges were that picky. Guess I've always felt content was more was more important. I'll have to watch that if I ever compete.
S2
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Hey there. It's not the judges; it's the organizers and they vary widely. This particular organizer is a professional reviewer and writer. His contests generally have the highest entry fees on the site and are quite challenging. He is extremely thorough and makes sure all the contest directives are followed. Many people say they learn quite a bit from his contests.
In my opinion, form and content go hand in hand. But then, as a poet, I am what is called a traditional formalist.
Comment from Dave the wave
I liked your poem I felt it was very deep in culture and image I think you have a real talent with words keep up the excellent work your friend always Dave the wave
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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I liked your poem I felt it was very deep in culture and image I think you have a real talent with words keep up the excellent work your friend always Dave the wave
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a great review. I am glad you understood the depth of culture in this poem. Since my native country is not Mexico, I worked very hard to display an understanding of culture in this poem. I am glad I was successful.
