Comment from rhymelord

Good

Dear ???,
I enjoyed this poem very much for its lyric content and use of language and found that I could read it smoothly with a pleasant cadence(s), but I can not accept that it is written wholly in iambic pentameter. To explain, as you have, that certain lines must be read a certain way to attempt to force an acceptance to iambs is not, to my mind, acceptable. I believe that poetry, in English, as a stress based language, must be read as one would normally speak and, applying this criteria, this poem does not pass as completely iambic, charming though it is. I believe, however, that your poetic skills should be enough to rephrase those errant lines. I hope you will do so.

Regards
Reg

 Comment Written 03-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 03-Sep-2010

Thank you for your review. I am open on suggestions on how to change the meter in those lines, whilst still retaining the Latin tone. For clarification, the stresses are how I do speak; I have a soft accent of the American South heavily influenced by a Latin tonal quality. The explanation of scansion in the author's notes is due to New Englanders who read the poem trying to force their dialectical stresses onto the poem, in my opnion. Every word of two syllables or more was checked against several dictionaries for the proper stress.

reply by rhymelord on 03-Sep-2010

Dear ???,
I offerred no suggestions in my review, since, being a contest entry, I am not sure of the protocol.
However, since you have asked, I offer the following to satisfy the demands of iambic pentameter. I believe I have maintained the meaning you wish to express, but only you can judge that. I hope you find these suggestions useful.

Stressed syllables are in CAPITALS.

Regards
Reg

I see your visage on the whitewashed wall,
Concealing prints of hand and head in blood.
from DRINK i FELL when TIGHT you CLOSED the DOOR
On our relationship and hope and time.

Dark bruises are discovered on my soul;
My body has fresh ones to correspond.
Desire to live and to enjoy retreats
When one impairs one's body and one's mind.

now VOID i FEEL of SENSual THOUGHTS and LUST;
Clandestine demons midst noon naps display
a CORPSE and FEELings I show CROWDS who KNOCK-
My psyche bears concerns in heart and soul.

Yet I discovered God that afternoon
Whilst SLEPT the VILLage, HUSHED, obLIViOUS
To the diverse and sundry ways our Lord
Performs great deeds and miracles and signs.

So during the siesta that fine day
I walked a street of ancient Mexico
And viewed one maiden's liquid soft brown eyes;
I met the woman whom I now adore.

Alone and unescorted, she portrayed
An Aztec princess of quite haughty stock.
Yet one insomniac saw through veneers;
Romance was born that day in Mexico.

reply by the author on 04-Sep-2010

Thank you for the work you put into this. I am quite grateful. I shall consisder your suggestions carefully.

Comment from solarman707

Excellent

very interesting writing, actually appreciated your comment/notes regarding the type of poetry. very nice read. thanks for sharing

 Comment Written 03-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 03-Sep-2010

Thanks for your review; people have varying views on author's notes, so I am glad you are supportive of mine.

Comment from amada

Excellent

This is an awesome work of poetry, romance, faith and art, all combined in one. I was struck by finding God at siesta time, once I had a similar experience...my peace and love came many years later, but still I found God.

 Comment Written 03-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 03-Sep-2010

Thank you. If I can cause that kind of empathetic reaction in a reader, I have done well as a writer. I am glad this work had anamnestic quality for you. Thank you also for a good review.

Comment from krdeering

Excellent

I found the poem to be deeply sad, somehow often the case with blank verse. The part of your author notes about the Latin inspiration was particularly helpful and enabled me to appreciate it better.

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010

Thanks for a good and understanding review; I truly appreciate it.

Comment from bowls

Excellent

A very pleasant-sounding poem. You've done an excellent job with the blank verse format. I liked your combination of "insomniac" and "siesta". What a clever way of stating the speaker's reason for being out and about. "Veneers", too, is a compact way of talking about affectations. You make great word choices here. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010

Thanks for the good review and noting my careful attention to word choice; I truly appreciate both.

Comment from Diny

Excellent

Okay first off this is a fine poem-
I love it when a writer shares knowledge with me like this...
Blank verse is verse written in iambic pentameter (da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM) without rhyme.

notes such as those are always a welcomed discovery- thanks-

I am NOT a technical wizard or guru but have learned so much about meter here- thank you again and good luck in the contest nice story/poem! Write on-Di

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010

Thanks for a great review. This review is especially important to me, as meter is my weak point.

Comment from jmyron

Excellent

I have tried to review this 3 times now. Every time I start on it I get pulled away to do something else. Well, I'm going to do it now. Enjoyed the imagery and description, but some of the words I wouldn't have known except for your author's notes. I especially liked the end

John

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010

Thanks for a great review; I don't particularly like to write author's notes, but I want the reader to have an enjoyable experience. I am glad you did. I like the end as well.

Comment from Mastery

Excellent

Wow! Author you have gone to a lot of trouble to explain for your readers. Very thoughtful of you. I liked your poem...particularlythis Verse:

"Yet I discovered God that afternoon
Whilst the whole village slept, oblivious
To the diverse and sundry ways our Lord
Performs great deeds and miracles and signs."

Good luck in the contest...Bob

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010

Thanks. People have varying views on author's notes and I appreciate your support. Most of those were added in response to reviews. I greatly appreciate a good review from such a fine writer as yourself.

Comment from Rdfrdmom2

Excellent

you left your heart south of San Francisco, it seems
where the love of your life still dreams
it seems that love is not left to chance
if, in ole Mexico, you found romance

you shouldn't feel compelled to explain your poetry to the
extent you did in your author's notes but I can understand how some reviews would cause you to do so -- I have come to understand not everyone who reviews truly understands either the contest rules or the formats

good luck in the contest
this is an excellent poem

love,
jan

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010

Yes, you are correct; I started with minimal author's notes, but they grew as I read reviews. Thanks for saying this is an excellent poem; I truly appreciate it and the good review.

Comment from afternoonlight

Excellent

Where ever the beat in the read is, the piece brings the heart to beat in new love disclosed in the end. A healing from a lost love, the arrival of new, with an accent that is romantic.

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2010

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010

Thanks for understanding the tone of the poem so well; I greatly appreciate it. Thanks also for a good review.