A Street of Ancient Mexico
a blank verse poem133 total reviews
Comment from marion
HI Alvin
I have to bypass all technical aspects as I am no poet and certainly don't quite understand it all! I just go on pure flow and sound and if I stumble, then perhaps there may be a glitch! The opening stanza and the second stanza do it for me and are exceptionally penned. 'Liquid soft brown eyes' stole my heart. Dark bruises are discovered on my soul - You could not have said it any better. I enjoyed the way you came to such a beautiful ending, and you continue to put out a high standard of poetry on FS. Marion.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2010
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HI Alvin
I have to bypass all technical aspects as I am no poet and certainly don't quite understand it all! I just go on pure flow and sound and if I stumble, then perhaps there may be a glitch! The opening stanza and the second stanza do it for me and are exceptionally penned. 'Liquid soft brown eyes' stole my heart. Dark bruises are discovered on my soul - You could not have said it any better. I enjoyed the way you came to such a beautiful ending, and you continue to put out a high standard of poetry on FS. Marion.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2010
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Thank you for this exceptional review. You picked out my favorite phrases in the poem, too. Thank you also for the comment at the end.
Comment from Shirley B
I wished I had a six. I would give it to you. Your first stanza I love. I love poems that I can truly 'see' and 'feel'. I did with one. The line 'Dark bruises on my soul.' is a great line filled with a lot of emotion. The first two lines of the poem are filled with wonderful imagery of color. I love the picture of blood on whitewashed walls. You did a great job in this contest. I think you will do very well. best of luck to you, Shirley
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2010
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I wished I had a six. I would give it to you. Your first stanza I love. I love poems that I can truly 'see' and 'feel'. I did with one. The line 'Dark bruises on my soul.' is a great line filled with a lot of emotion. The first two lines of the poem are filled with wonderful imagery of color. I love the picture of blood on whitewashed walls. You did a great job in this contest. I think you will do very well. best of luck to you, Shirley
Comment Written 29-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2010
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Thanks for understanding the use of color in the poem. Actually, since it is after midnight Eastern Daylight Time, you should have four new six star ratings for the week. Since you brought it up, it's very easy to change the review or rating of a poem. Here's how:
It's actually very easy to change the review or rating of a work. I do it often on Sunday when I receive my allotment of four six stars reviews. Of course, each time I do that, I lose a six star rating for the week beginning on said Sunday.
Go to My Menu in the upper left hand corner of the screen. Scroll down to My Feedback and from the drop-down menu, select Reviews I Wrote. All the reviews you have written will come up, and you scroll down to the one you want to change. Click on Edit Review in the lower RIGHT hand screen of the review; you then can change the wording of the review or the rating.
Of course, I am not asking you to revise the review or the rating; I am just explaining how it can be done after the fact--it's helped me correct many a mistake.
Again, thank you for such an understanding and comprehensive review.
Comment from Nicki_Mist
A great poem of emotion and it touched me for God does work in mysterious ways. He brought two people together and was working a miracle while people slept. Keep up the great work.
Nicole
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2010
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A great poem of emotion and it touched me for God does work in mysterious ways. He brought two people together and was working a miracle while people slept. Keep up the great work.
Nicole
Comment Written 28-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2010
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Thanks for a good review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Keddie
This was truly beautiful. Great use of descriptive words. And you seem to have an extensive vocabulary, which is nice to see. I could feel the emotions in this poem, from the depression to the hope.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2010
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This was truly beautiful. Great use of descriptive words. And you seem to have an extensive vocabulary, which is nice to see. I could feel the emotions in this poem, from the depression to the hope.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2010
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Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Earthwriter
i liked the way this piece was presented and i thought the color scheme enhanced the author notes are helpful well done good luck
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2010
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i liked the way this piece was presented and i thought the color scheme enhanced the author notes are helpful well done good luck
Comment Written 28-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2010
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Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from zwrite1
I have read this poem before and I did not leave a rating because I din't know quite what to say. I liked it, but it was almost overwhelming. It's almost too skillfully done and too intelligent and I know that statement doesn't make sense, but I don't know how to express how I felt reading it. The rythm required me to be fully present, aware and think when I really just prefered to be strolling down the street during a siesta. I love the liquid brown eyes. Uncommon words like midst can trip a reader for a moment because it sounds like another word which doesn't fit (mist). Some lines are hard to understand and require a slower reading like "Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock--" The heart of the poem, to me is in the second to last stanza which is simple, clear and sweet and contains the line I liked the best.
The academic explaination after the poem is also a little off-putting and part of the reson I did not comment before. I felt like I wasn't learned enough in poetic form to leave an intelligent comment. Please let me know if my review is helpful. I would never want to offend you because I have such great respect for your skill and enjoy learning from you. zwrite1
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2010
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I have read this poem before and I did not leave a rating because I din't know quite what to say. I liked it, but it was almost overwhelming. It's almost too skillfully done and too intelligent and I know that statement doesn't make sense, but I don't know how to express how I felt reading it. The rythm required me to be fully present, aware and think when I really just prefered to be strolling down the street during a siesta. I love the liquid brown eyes. Uncommon words like midst can trip a reader for a moment because it sounds like another word which doesn't fit (mist). Some lines are hard to understand and require a slower reading like "Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock--" The heart of the poem, to me is in the second to last stanza which is simple, clear and sweet and contains the line I liked the best.
The academic explaination after the poem is also a little off-putting and part of the reson I did not comment before. I felt like I wasn't learned enough in poetic form to leave an intelligent comment. Please let me know if my review is helpful. I would never want to offend you because I have such great respect for your skill and enjoy learning from you. zwrite1
Comment Written 27-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2010
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Yes, the review was very helpful. I have edited the author's notes. I originally had in instead of midst, but changed it at one reviewer's suggestion. I may change it back. The line you found difficult was the line I had the most trouble writing; I am open to suggestions for change. Thank you for a good review.
Comment from Ailo
This is really beautiful. I love the story portrayed within the poem. I really like the closing stanza, how a love was born while everyone was asleep. Very nice.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2010
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This is really beautiful. I love the story portrayed within the poem. I really like the closing stanza, how a love was born while everyone was asleep. Very nice.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2010
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Thanks for a great review; you are very kind.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is a superb piece of
verse, Alvin - God has given
this gift of talent and I
am so happy you share it with
us, my friend.
All in all, a most impressive
write and deserving of my last six.
Margaret
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2010
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This is a superb piece of
verse, Alvin - God has given
this gift of talent and I
am so happy you share it with
us, my friend.
All in all, a most impressive
write and deserving of my last six.
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2010
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Thank you so much, Margaret. This means the world to me. I was really proud of this piece, and then the reviews were mixed. I thought perhaps it wasn't as good as I thought, although I put quite a bit of work into it. However, when a six comes from such an accomplished poet as you, I know it was well worth the work. Words cannot begin to express my gratitude. You are right; I should be thankful to God for my talent.
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You're welcome, my friend. M x
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
The blank verse is altogether technically well done, and it tells an engaging story. I love the dramatic contrast as the dark poem turns hopeful with the God-blessed birth of romance "during the siesta that fine day." I feel the despair in the quietly dramatic lines: "...you closed the door / On our relationship and hope and time." And I enjoy this subtle irony: that because the insomniac was not able to sleep during siesta time, he miraculously found romance while "the whole village slept, oblivious to the diverse and sundry ways our Lord performs great deeds and miracles and signs." The Mexican colors used in the presentation are quite appropriate to the theme. Good luck to you in the contest, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2010
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The blank verse is altogether technically well done, and it tells an engaging story. I love the dramatic contrast as the dark poem turns hopeful with the God-blessed birth of romance "during the siesta that fine day." I feel the despair in the quietly dramatic lines: "...you closed the door / On our relationship and hope and time." And I enjoy this subtle irony: that because the insomniac was not able to sleep during siesta time, he miraculously found romance while "the whole village slept, oblivious to the diverse and sundry ways our Lord performs great deeds and miracles and signs." The Mexican colors used in the presentation are quite appropriate to the theme. Good luck to you in the contest, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 25-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2010
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Thanks for such a complete understandig of my poem; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from rama devi
Hi Alvin--This is quite interesting, original and well portrayed. i like the theme and story-line as well as the artistic, tasteful and appealing presentation. I like the 'seeing through veneeers' concept too.
you have excellent use of alliteration and other devices to enrich this with melody and music.
Considering you somewhat masterful in meter, I hesitate to give feedback on scansion, wondering if the discrepancies I see have to do with dialect...but the following lines seem slightly off to my ear (the way i pronounce the words)... and the flow is not as well cadenced as it might be.
I see your visage on the whitewashed wall,
I SEE your VISage
I hear the word visage as
visAGE, not VISage
(i may be mistaken)
I tumbled from drink when you closed the door
i TUMbled FROM drink
That accent on FROM irks me when read aloud. Sounds unnatural.
I feel void of erotic thoughts and lust;
i FEEL void OF
This may not be wrong, but it sounds unnatural, because the ear wants to hear: I feel VOID--
Somehow this line sounds forced to me.
Clandestine demons in noon naps display
clanDESTine DEmons IN noon NAPS disPALY
Again, not 'wrong' but sounds unnatural to normal speech to emphasize the word IN
IN noon NAPS ---seems forced to me too.
Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock--
EmOTions AND corpse I show CROWDS who KNOCK--
again.... technically not wrong necessarily but sounds off to say
AND corpse I
Have you read this aloud, Alvin?
Again, maybe it is dialect?
Think it still needs fine tuning on those lines, but shows promise to be a strong contender in the contest.
Well done!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010
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Hi Alvin--This is quite interesting, original and well portrayed. i like the theme and story-line as well as the artistic, tasteful and appealing presentation. I like the 'seeing through veneeers' concept too.
you have excellent use of alliteration and other devices to enrich this with melody and music.
Considering you somewhat masterful in meter, I hesitate to give feedback on scansion, wondering if the discrepancies I see have to do with dialect...but the following lines seem slightly off to my ear (the way i pronounce the words)... and the flow is not as well cadenced as it might be.
I see your visage on the whitewashed wall,
I SEE your VISage
I hear the word visage as
visAGE, not VISage
(i may be mistaken)
I tumbled from drink when you closed the door
i TUMbled FROM drink
That accent on FROM irks me when read aloud. Sounds unnatural.
I feel void of erotic thoughts and lust;
i FEEL void OF
This may not be wrong, but it sounds unnatural, because the ear wants to hear: I feel VOID--
Somehow this line sounds forced to me.
Clandestine demons in noon naps display
clanDESTine DEmons IN noon NAPS disPALY
Again, not 'wrong' but sounds unnatural to normal speech to emphasize the word IN
IN noon NAPS ---seems forced to me too.
Emotions and corpse I show crowds who knock--
EmOTions AND corpse I show CROWDS who KNOCK--
again.... technically not wrong necessarily but sounds off to say
AND corpse I
Have you read this aloud, Alvin?
Again, maybe it is dialect?
Think it still needs fine tuning on those lines, but shows promise to be a strong contender in the contest.
Well done!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 23-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010
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For clarification, in the first instance, the dictionary entry gives the accent on the first syllable of visage. In all the other instances, the accents fall oddly within a phrase so the whole line will scan iambically. Yes, I have read this aloud several times. True, part of it is dialectical. In the line with clandestine, remember that I am using an alternative pronuncation of clandestine, mentioned in the author's notes. Thanks for a good review; I'll continue to look over it, but I have not found a way to change it. I am open to suggestions.
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Thanks Alvin. I had a feeling I was wrong about visage. But even seeing the author's notes about Clandestine, i felt that line could be improved.
Would love to read this when you finish. please let me know.
That Clandestine line is indeed hard to change.
Will think on it...
First thought may not be less awkward---or even a real word...
ClanDESTine DEmons 'MIDST noon NAPS disPALY
Warmly, r d
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I'll take your suggestion on midst; I like it.
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YAY! ;-)
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An idea for-
I tumbled from drink when you closed the door
On our relationship and hope and time.
I tumbled into drink-you slammed the door
On our relationship and hope and time.
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I feel void of erotic thoughts and lust;
I'm void now of erotic thoughts and lust;
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I think, on this one, I'll go with the original; I prefer stressing verbs and the new suggestion doesn't solve the problem of another stress being on a preposition. Thanks for the suggestion, though.
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:-) Most welcome
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Thanks for this suggestion as well, but the act and chronology aren't quite what I had in mind. She leaves, he turns to drink, and falls down and hurts not only his body, but also his mind. Thanks for the suggestion.
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yeah, I was unsure about that! ;-)
